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toilet 01-13-2018 02:03 PM

Feel guilty

Iím planning on separating/divorcing my wife who I met 10 years ago when she was 27. She will be turning 37 this year. We dated for 5 years and were married for 5 years.

There were lots of ups and downs over the last 10 years. We basically live like roommates now but we are still on good terms with each other. Weíve talked about separating many times and Iím pretty sure weíd be able to go through with the divorce/separation without fighting.

But the one thing that Iím having trouble getting off my mind is the fact that I feel as though Iíve wasted 10 years of her life. Sheís always wanted to have children. At first I put it off because I didnít want to have any, then my mental health really deteriorated and I was off work for a while on stress leave, and now I mostly put it off because I realize I would not be able to handle children. And maybe thatís ok.

Hereís my issue: I sort of feel like I owe my wife more than 50% because of all of the time Iíve wasted and I wonder if anyone on the forum here might agree with me. I technically could take my 50% share of the equity in the home (I also made the 20% down payment with my own money). But I do feel that after all that Iíve put her through, I should just give her my share of the equity as well, at least to pretty much guarantee that sheíll be able to keep living at the house and wonít have to go through all the stress of Ďstarting overí again.

I guess other people might say: donít feel bad about the past, whatís done is done, take your half, etc.

Iím just wondering if any one else here has given more than 50% or all of their share to their ex because they felt guilty, and if it helped you feel better about the separation/divorce.

standing on the sidelines 01-13-2018 02:24 PM

how much equity are you talking about?

toilet 01-13-2018 02:59 PM

I put 50,000 down on the house.

The equity has probably grown to about 85k or 42k each.

I did inherit about 250k as well. Thatís not part of the deal though, thatís mine to keep.

I understand inheritances are excluded. But wouldnít I be an asshole if I also took my share on top of everything I already have? (Shrug)

denbigh 01-13-2018 04:50 PM

Were you upfront about the fact that you did not want to have children before you married, or did you string her along with, I'm just not ready yet, then marry her anyways.

toilet 01-13-2018 04:59 PM

Stringing her along. I didnít truly ever want children. I tried to get into it when she bought me a parenting book, but I could never shake off all the anxiety I had about it all. I should have just said something a few years ago but I was really scared of being alone. Now I just feel that Iíve wasted so much of her time. So maybe I shouldnít make this about me and getting my 50%. Unless youíre just supposed to take it anyway and not care how she feels, but Iíd feel sort of guilty if I did that.

arabian 01-13-2018 05:13 PM

Are you smoking a reefer???

As generous as it sounds, I think you should just do it "by the book."

Don't do something today that you may regret down the road.

She is still young enough to have children.

If you want to help her out then be cooperative throughout the process.... don't let your lawyer stonewall things.

piggybanktoex 01-13-2018 05:14 PM

Just figure out what is what according to Family Law, AND then just decide if you want to give her more.

Life is not simple and she could have left earlier, and would have if she wanted to have done.

Just make sure that you get it in writing regardless of what you do so it doesn't come back somehow and bite you on the ass.

If you start feeling or acting guilty, she may start believing that you are entirely to blame. And trust me, some (most) women don't feel bad about living off somebody's else money. It's called entitlement, which has nothing to do with fairness.

So do what is right for you, over and above the law, but carefully please.

arabian 01-13-2018 05:34 PM

"If you start feeling or acting guilty, she may start believing that you are entirely to blame. And trust me, some (most) women don't feel bad about living off somebody's else money. It's called entitlement, which has nothing to do with fairness."

Of course this is a bullshit statement.

Just beware that once your wife gets a lawyer you can guarantee that the tone of your relationship will change. I'd look at this like an auto accident: don't admit fault. Just get out of this and move on.

piggybanktoex 01-13-2018 06:21 PM


A simple poll will breakdown as follows:

Those that pay - UNFAIR $

Those that take - NOT ENOUGH $

Right or wrong, that will be the general feeling.

The one and only divorce I know of that was civil was between two people who both lost interest in each other AND made the same amount of income.

denbigh 01-14-2018 01:04 PM

I guess only you know if you should feel guilty or not. If I was your partner, I would have left you long ago to find someone I could have had children with, as I know the risks of waiting. So only you and her know the ins and outs of the issues that led her to stay in spite of wanting children and you to stay in spite of knowing you didnt want them and the extend of the stringing along.

I guess only you know if money will ease your guilt.

At this point she would be considered an "elderly primip" having a first child at an advanced age, as far as childbearing goes, and it does come wiht several complicating factors, and a few benefits. If you want t know more about all the benefits and risks of a child after age 37, here is it, from a reputable source in Ontario, a document called:

Pregnancy After Age 35: A guide to Advanced Maternal Age for Ontario service providers, including a summary of statistical trends, influencing factors,
health benefits, health risks and recommendations for care.

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