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denbigh 02-08-2019 08:47 PM

best things about separation/divorce
I came across a really old, very long post that I found interesting and thought I would start the same to see what the current member think:

Putting aside all the negative things about divorce/separation, what are the good things that have come from it for you?

I no longer walk around tense all the time. That took quite some time to go away, and it would come back under certain circumstances. I didnt realize until it was over how much i had altered myself to work around someone else's mood. Now I can be myself

I have complete control over my finances which I love!!! Overall I am poorer for sure, just from having 1 income in 1 household. But at least I can make my own decisions that are my decisions.

I love being able to be in my own house and eat what I want without criticism, cook what I want,

I love have 1 less person to clean up after and do everything for. My own fault for getting into that state to begin with I know. But it is still nice to not have a make a dentist appointment for another adult or do their laundry.

The bottom line, I do not regret it at all.

arabian 02-08-2019 09:34 PM

Great topic and I recall participating the last time this went around. So I've been living on my own now coming on 10 years this Summer. I agree with much of what you say above but I will add my points of view now.

1. All those years that I crabbed about picking up after other people I have been forced to face the truth: I leave a pretty big mess in the kitchen after I cook and no one else is leaving the crumbs and causing extra vacuuming after nights of eating in front of the TV - It's me!
2. Sheets still need to be laundered regularly and laundry still needs to be done regularly. I am annoyed at my own habits of having to turn my own socks inside out before the wash (it wasn't just his). I am annoyed at looking at the frequent soiling on the hand towel in the bathroom... by me.
3. I like being able to watch the shows I want when I want. However, there is no one around to bitch and gurn about the latest political scandal.
4. I fall asleep in front of the TV often at night. No caring person stirs me from my slumbers to get me to go to bed... I instead wake up in a state of confusion, back aching, and have to get up and go to a cold unmade bed (remember we don't have to make the bed anymore).
5. I eat what I want, when I want and I find I have put on quite a bit of weight. No fear, no one around to give me "the look" when I indulge in a second helping.
6. I love to cook and try different things. Well... those days are behind me. I'm now at the age where I have to make sure everything is salt-free or gluten-free etc. No one around to bitch and cry because I'm not cooking with heavy cream anymore so I guess that is a good thing.

Yes I am content and yes I would not change decisions made a decade ago. No regrets.

denbigh 02-08-2019 09:53 PM

Arabian it sounds like you are ready for a new love.

I can honestly say I am revelling in my aloneness these last couple of years. I cannot even fathom having a partner, I just could not do it. Maybe someday in the future I will feel differently, but for now the idea of a partner sounds like a nightmare. Having just gone through and finally finished the separation agreement to then ex trying to change it all not too long after, the idea of having to negotiate even the tiniest little thing with some new partner in my house is too much to bear.

kate331 02-09-2019 12:14 AM

Interesting topic. Made me stop and think. I like the extra closet space for sure. I like that it forced me to put my career on speed dial, I am really enjoying being back in the work force. I like eating store bought rotisserie chicken and salad for diner and not expected to have a proper homemade meal on the table when the ex came home. I also like Kraft Dinner, so do the children.

Do I regret it, YES!!! I find being a single parent a struggle, I am NOT one of those Super Mom's who can do it all. Its discouraging at times to learn that all a parent has too do to be a parent is to pay their support $$$ and be done with it.

denbigh 02-09-2019 12:32 AM

Being a single is really hard for me too. I feel like I am barely keeping it together between work and home. I have more demands on my time because I work but on the kid side itís the same. I was pretty much a single parent when I was married. I did everything!!! Now I actually get a break break every 2 weekends. It took me a long time to come to terms with my husband not participating and realizing he couldnít really handle parenting and divorced long long after that. Divorcing actually reduced my workload at home but increased my workload in paid work

If you were still married would you be getting more help from husband than you are now?

kate331 02-09-2019 10:12 PM

I do enjoy my every other weekend breaks! You have a good point, my ex didnt help around the house with chores and I was expected to do it being a stay at home Mom. I do think its easier having 2 parents/adults in the house. I find most of my evening I'm running around prepping for the next day. An extra set of hands for bath and bedtime would be nice. Or even having someone reading a bedtime story, so I could put away the laundry. I find myself using the electronic devices too much to entertain the children while I try and get it all done.

Looking back I definitely think my ex couldn't handle the parenting, now that I know what its like to work full time and and juggle kids. To me he had it easy coming home from work and just enjoy the children because all the chores were taken care of. Your absolutely right, that not having the ex here is less in the way of not having to cook for him, clean up after him and do his laundry, but I would take an extra set of hands any day to help with the kids even if its just playing with them or staying home with one, while I took the other to an appointment or swimming lessons. I also suspect he wouldn't have help more if we had stayed together and I had gone back to work.

I'm just not quite there yet in terms of letting go of the fact, that it was just so easy for him to walk away. From me yes, but I still cant wrap my brain around the fact he could so easily walk out of his children's lives. It was I that forced his hand by initiating court proceedings to get him to take the kids for more than a few hours a week.

They say it gets easier as the children grow older, but I am petrified of raising 2 teenage boys on my own.

Stillbreathing 02-09-2019 10:44 PM

The kids and I enjoy the fact that we no longer have to walk on eggshells. I love the fact that spaghetti filled pots and pans, shoes, boots and clothes no longer end up on the lawn because my ex had a temper tantrum. The riding mower doesnít get driven into a tree and the weedwacker is safe from harm even if it doesnít start on the first pull.

Itís so nice to come home from work and Know that all your stuff and that of your kids is still there. He used to sell our things in a garage sale if we went shopping. Came home from work one day and heíd taken the bank barn down! I had to scramble to find emergency boarding for my horses because he was taking the fence down too.

I donít miss the death threats to me, the kids or the animals any more than I miss the yelling, screaming or smashing of inanimate objects. Donít have to worry about anyone chucking my celll phone out the window on the highway.

Canít say I miss the almost constant police presence during our marriage. The whole entire force would come to the farm. 10 cruisers lined up end to end down our driveway.

Donít miss the monthly calls from ER. Your husband is here.

Life is much much calmer now!

Stillbreathing 02-09-2019 11:00 PM

It also feels rather decadent to have a hot shower any time of day or night I want. He had the electric water heater on a timer so we only had hot water for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. He also only every had one light bulb on at a time anywhere in the house. I leave a few more than that on now!

He cost me a lot of money during the marriage because iíd Have to buy the kids clothes or toys to replace their stuff he threw in the garbage in a fit of rage. He was also hard on tvís, plates, remotes and cell phones.

Itís taken many years for us to recover from him but we are all much happier.

kate331 02-09-2019 11:04 PM

WOW, Stillbreathing!!! Your ex makes mine look like a Saint. Sorry you have to go through this. Obviously your ex has Mental Health issues, mine is just "stressed".

I wish you much peace and happiness for you and your children.

Stillbreathing 02-10-2019 12:07 AM

Itís also nice to be able to set the thermostat at whatever temperature I want. When we were first married I put the thermostat up a few degrees and the next day he put a nail in it so I couldnít adjust the temperature. That was the first time I left him.

Other things I donít miss:
- having him chase me down and run me off the road
- being in the vehicle with him while he engaged in a high speed chase after some poor driver who cut him off
- not being able to put the groceries away because the fridge was full of beer
- having him put his hands on my throat, threaten me with a knife, threaten that I would wake up to find a dead horse in the barn, buy a gravestone with my name on it, hold the kids and I hostage threaten to kick in my momís garage, tell the police my elderly mother with double hip replacements kidnapped our toddler
- having my blacksmith, the neighbors and his own brothers call the police on him when he had an explosive rage episode

Nope, donít miss any of that. Life is very boring now in comparison. I actually documented for court how many times police attended our farm during the marriage. 25 times! I only called them five times. The other 20 times other people including him had called them. My ex is catastrophically brain damaged and is actually missing some of his brain tissue... hence the behaviours... very sad. Very dangerous but itís almost over now.

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