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  • HeLp...do i have to keep paying the mortgage?

    I'm going through the nastiest stuff one could imagine with my ex narcissist.... there is absolutely NO reasoning with him.
    I'm forced to get a lawyer yet don't have any money and he's playing on that.
    We jointly bought a home 6yrs ago, both names on the deed, seperated over 6months now, and both still live in the home as he won't leave and i have no where else to go... thankfully he has been at his vacation property for the majority of the past 5 months. We both still pay the mortgage and bills. We both work full time. His income is over double of mine.
    He refuses to fix anything...even a water leak in the basement - yet has the know how. He actually even removed the wetvac from the house so I couldn't use it to clean up the basement water.
    He will not help me pay for a plumber either.
    The only way I can offord one is if I stop paying 'my portion' of the bills/mortgage. The mortgage amount comes out of a joint bank account in which we both contribute to. There is an auto transfer from each of our individual bank accounts that rolls into the joint account to cover the mortage and the bills.
    What would happen if I just stopped paying my portion of the mortgage to use the money for things like a plumber and a lawyer?
    We are common in law 6 years - not married. I have one son that is not his child that i need to continue to support and have enough funds for food, clothing, etc...
    Please help if you can.... i need some answers.
    Is it ok for me to stop contributing to the bills of the house or will that do me more harm than good?
    ....desperately seeking answers
    Last edited by rustedinnocence; 09-01-2010, 01:01 PM. Reason: forgot important detail

  • #2
    First thing you need to do is to seperate your finances IMMEDIATELY and close that joint account. If you are both living there you should have some agreement as to who covers what expenses - much like roommates would.

    I can't offer anything on what happens if you stop paying.

    Comment


    • #3
      You bought a house together as common law spouses. You're living there and he is more or less living somewhere else. Seems to me you're getting a pretty good deal if he is paying half the bills and has more or less moved out. Arbitrarily stopping your half of the bills hardly seems fair. Do you expect to be housed for nothing? As common law spouses you made a business decision to buy that house. Do you think that walking away from your obligation to pay your end of it is a fair and reasonable outcome?

      If you can't afford living there anymore, your best bet is sell the place or have him buy you out. If you can't agree, then go to court and get an order for sale of the property. And tell him you will be seeking spousal support and child support for several years if he forces you to go to court. Hopefully that will be sufficient leverage for him to settle up with you.

      Comment


      • #4
        Dadtotheend...I can see your point, & thank you kindly for the reply, but HE STILL LIVES THERE TOO! He's forbid me to go to the trailer (which was our vacation spot – but it is in his name) yet he spends most of his time there because he can't bring his conquers to the house... (he's a sex addict and sleeps with anywhere from 2-10 people..female AND male, a week.....and NO I'm not making that up as unreal as it sounds!!! - i have documented proof of all of it - hence the separation). He comes and goes at the house as he pleases because he still lives at the house,& it’s in the same small town. He refuses to clean out any of his hoarded stuff to get 'house showing ready'.
        HE refuses to pay for his half of the bills by refusing to pay half for a plumber to fix the water damage/leak...whatever the heck it is! Says if i want a plumber in, i have to pay for it... he doesn't care. And he's abandoned pretty much all other responsibilities there as well. I WANT THE HOUSE on the market to sell so we can divide 50/50 the proceeds and I can move out and start to heal from this horrific situation and abuse in all forms. I can't go anywhere and be able to pay mortgage and rent or a second mortgage. I can't even afford a plumber or lawyer right now... that is why i wanted to know if it would affect me in the long run, if i stopped paying the mortgage even though my name is on it, in an effort to pay for other things.... (he's trying to run the place into the ground so it will be cheaper for HIM to buy.)
        Does anyone else know the answer?
        How would it affect me if I didn’t pay for a portion of the mortgage?

        Comment


        • #5
          Blinkandi’mgone, I agree whole heartedly with you. Thing is, I can’t count on ANYTHING he says or agrees to. He truly IS a narcissist. If it isn’t all about him and he can’t benefit wholly from it, he won’t do it. Just one small eg: My cell phone is in his name because he got a discount through his union. I have had the phone and paid for it for over 7 years. My name is on the account to looking into billing etc… but I am not the responsible party for the bill (even though I DO and have paid for it for 7years). I phoned the company and explained we were separating. All he has to do is phone himself and they will take his name off of the locked in contract. But will he? NO…he expects me to pay for it for another 2 and a half years and then he wants to take it over because it is $7/m cheaper than his phone is right now… I have asked him several times, and have saved all the texts asking him, if he would agree to go and see a mediator with me. Have an agreement about the bills in the house witnessed and put down on paper. HE WON’T DO IT. So if I shut down the account, (if I can even close the account without him signing off on it), that he won’t pay a darn thing…..and as you can tell from my previous posts, I can’t afford it there on my own.
          I have had an appraiser come to the house and am looking into how I can force him to sell it. He has offered me less than 20% of the equity in the house and thinks that is fair enough because it is all he can afford to buy me out in cash.. Says if I don’t like it, if I don’t accept his offer, he’ll make sure it doesn’t sell because he won’t agree to any price….
          ….i hope that somehow I’ll be able to hold on to my sanity through all of this – I just don’t understand how he can be so manipulative!

          Comment


          • #6
            My first piece of advise would be to stop making things worse for yourself by gathering 'proof' of his infidelity - it won't matter in any way shape or form as to how things go financially for your breakup, you're just prolonging things for yourself and dragging him through the mud.

            I imagine if you default on the mortgage payments and he chooses not to pay your share as well then the bank would have no choice but to foreclose. not a good financial position to put yourself in.

            Get your financial situation seperated from his, get your ducks in a row and go for a free consultation with a lawyer - or several if need be - to find out what your options are, then pick a direction and go forward.

            Comment


            • #7
              I've stopped gathering proof some time ago... it only made me feel sicker and sicker and sicker…. my efforts and energy are needed in other places... i only mentioned that i had proof of these things so that people wouldn't think i was making just assuming these things to be true... and if truth be told, for myself to recall when he tries to convince me to take him at his word and believe what he is saying (as sad as it may sound, he has a way of manipulating me still- so if i can recall and know for certainty who he really is - then I find the strength to continue to cover my butt with regards to his promises and words... 'so to speak')
              Thank you for the advice... I WILL call the bank and see if i can close that account or at least how it should be handled with the mortgage coming out of it....
              .......overwhelming all this stuff is - especially when dealing with someone that is so devious - i don't know how so many have gotten through it and still have the energy to help - thanks again

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by rustedinnocence View Post
                [COLOR=#767676][FONT=Verdana](he's a sex addict and sleeps with anywhere from 2-10 people..female AND male, a week.....and NO I'm not making that up as unreal as it sounds!!!
                2-10 people a week??????? How the hell does he get these people to agree to do that????? Are they hookers or something?????? That's dis-f******-gusting that he spins his game with guys and gals. Puking right now.

                Go to court and get an order for sale of the property. He sure as hell doesn't sound like he's interested in dealing with it civilly.

                Comment


                • #9
                  You're just jealous......

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                  • #10
                    Dear Rusted:

                    As long as both of you remain in the matrimonial home you both are jointly responsible for the costs incurred pertaining to it. I have been where you are and I was married to a pathetic Narcisstic male and trust me, its their way or the highway!!! These individuals are mentally ill and will not seek help because they refuse to see how their actions affect others in their life. For your sanity and peace of mind, LEAVE!! If you have family or friends, trust me they will understand. He will have to incur all the expenses after you leave.

                    Furthermore, get the house appraised, then at least you will know what the value of the home is worth and can move forward with the NFP.

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                    • #11
                      Yep, get the Hell out of Dodge.

                      Looking4Answers is right on.

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                      • #12
                        I agree with Looking 4 answers. Cut all ties with him!!! It is not worth it to put that much stress on yourself, you will become ill. Do you qualify for legal aid?

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                        • #13
                          There is a lot of information available on the intertubes on dealing with a narcissistic personality in a variety of different situations, especially divorce. Reading some of it may help give you some strategies on dealing with him while you're still somewhat stuck with him.

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                          • #14
                            I was told that it would be tough to get an order for sale from a judge by my lawyer way back. Then again kids were involved too.
                            What might be easier is to seek sole possession of the home, seeing as he has other accommodation and if you can prove he has abandoned the home for 5 months as you mentioned you may have a chance.
                            I believe he would be ordered to continue the status quo which means paying his part of the mortgage and bills even though he is no longer allowed to live there, this may be incentive for him to get reasonable, sell the place and get it over with.

                            I think you can ask for sole possession of the mat. home in your initial documents filed with the court which would be faster than trying for an order of sale which would be after the case conference and actually in court (aka... TIME and $$$).

                            I am not sure what your rights are a a c0-owner, might be wise to ask a lawyer if you can unilaterally sell the property somehow or force him to buy you out?

                            The suggestion someone made for you to just leave I disagree with.
                            If you leave you are abandoning the home and giving him sole possession. He will have even less reason to cooperate as YOU will be paying half the bills for a house HE is living in alone.

                            You can not just quit paying mortgage etc or your credit rating will spiral downward fast, something you don't want to happen just as you will need credit to start over on your own once the dust settles.

                            Best thing is to file papers with the court to start the legal sep. procedure and work for a separation agreement (I am not sure if that is necessary for common law though????)
                            Bottom line, get an application in for sole possession of the house, once court papers are filed and he has been served he must respond. It may open up the lines of communication for a resolution too, sounds like it can't get any worse from where I sit?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I just re-read your IP, I see there is a child involved, although not his he has provided for that child by living with you for 6 years. Your case for sole posession of the home is stronger with a child, his or not.

                              Also, although I do not believe this is fair and I would not advise you to actually seek this (as it is simply GREED) I think you have a case for child support from him by way of our totally screwed up legal system. File for sole possession and you can use the potential for CS as a bargaining chip for him to get his @SS in gear and let you out of this mess.

                              GL

                              Comment

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