Still in the house. Ex doesn't understand boundaries.

[Stubbs]

Here's my current situation, and it's killing me:

My wife cheated on me, so we are separating.
She's never gets around to doing things like paperwork, so I've been living in the marital home for 2 months, and I expect to still be there for another month.

She only works part-time, wants to keep the house and is possibly a bit unstable. Definitely hostile towards me a lot of the time. I'm not worried for our kids, she just seems to hate me. The long and short of it is that I can't afford to leave the house while still paying the mortgage, daycare and all the bills.

So while I wait and do what I can to get the SA done, she is continuing her relationship. However, she's doing it with no regard for me or the potentially fagile state of our children (4 and 6).

She brings home presents and flowers from him, has had him around my children, has had him in my house and has also used household money to buy him meals and such.

The last straw was today when she showed me a Birthday present for my daughter from him that she intends to give to her at a children's party.
She doesn't care one bit about any boundaries or the potential pitfalls of having my children get attached to a new person (who will most likely be temporary anyway).
When I bring up the boundary issues, she has a meltdown and refuses to live by my 'rules', and threatens to call the cops on me and have me thrown out of my own house.

I have no family here. I have no friends who could help me. I don't have any money to leave. I'm stuck here.

She has an explosive temper and does everything based completely on impulse and emotion, so reasoning with her goes bad.

Any ideas how I might be able to get the notion of respecting the boundaries across to her? I'm toying with the idea of talking with her Sister (who has taken 'her side') and seeing if maybe she might be able to talk to her about how she conducts her relationship.
The down side is that it will probably end up being seen as me trying to make her look bad to her family, and she'll freak out again.

Any thoughts?

[billm]

Hi,

That sounds like a horribly mean thing to do, to openly date while you are still living in the same house. I am sorry for your situation.

I don't think there is anything that you can do. Talking to her family will certainly make it worse for sure, so don't try that. Talking to her will only get her back up more. There is no solution. Perhaps the only thing that might slow her down is the embarassment of dating while living with your husband - not too many people would accept that (except ones own friends who always support people's bad decisions..), but there is nothing to be done there. Just stay out of her way, do your own thing, make a plan on how to end the relationship, setup equal shared custody of your kids if that is what you want. Generally people suggest to not move out and don't give up custody until a deal is made. However, making a fair deal (like selling the house and you getting 50% custody of the kids), may drive her to do crazy things, like file a false report with the cops as she has threatened, so be prepared for that - document, record, etc, etc. Don't aggrevate her, let her do her thing, though it hurts, and focus on yourself and the kids. Truly, don't put any action or words regarding her boyfriend, it will only make it worse.

Good luck to you and your family.

[standing on the sidelines]

the reason she is acting hostile towards you is she sees you as the last hurdle in getting the bf to move into the house. She figures she gets you to move out, he can slide right in. If she is only working part time then I guess most of the household money is yours. Cut her off. Why should you be the one contributing to her dating the new guy.

All I can say is that what she is doing is really wrong and the kids will remember that growing up. My mom cheated on my dad when I was little and I still remember bits and pieces of it. She would take me and my brother with her when she would meet the guy then she left my father and shacked up with the guy. She took us out of school one day and we were gone for a few months. I never once got to talk to or see my father. The guy got killed in an accident so my mother called my dad and wanted to come home. The sight of my father when we got home from school was the best thing I had seen. My point is that I was never close to my mother after that, I was closer to my dad until he died. Your kids will remember what she has done.

[dadtotheend]

You can move out and take the kids with you!

It sounds like you would have significant hurdles (i.e. daycare, her reaction) to get over to do that, but who wants to live in a house where the children's emotional stability is disregarded, and with a volatile temper and treatment of you, to say nothing of the hanging threat of false police involvement and probably some night(s) in jail for you.

Consider getting the ducks in the row (i.e. arranging for the new home), and getting the hell out with the kids. You can do it suddenly and swiftly. Let her deal with paying the bills at your current home and then see how motivated she becomes to deal with paperwork.

billm is right about moving out. If you do without the kids, you're SCREWED for custody. Think SERIOUSLY hard and long and DON'T do it without consulting a lawyer.

[limer]

Even as bad as it sounds with regards to kids. Possession is 9/10 ths of the law. Your refusal to leave to matrimonial home is a play on her part. She's playing you on this. Within the courts, if you leave, a status quo may develop (care/control), hindering any court ruling for joint custody on your part. That in all honesty would take mutual cooperation.

As a legal suggestion... sell the house!

[singledad99]

Lesson #1 in family law is never leave the house and kids to the other parent because that will create an irreversible prejudice against you.

I think she is just provoking you so I would be extra careful around her. I mean you don't wanna get into the mess of false allegations of domestic violence either.

As for the advice regarding the kids, I think she is acting as a terrible parent. You can't change her behaviour but you can take steps to protect your children. First thing, you should see a lawyer to find out your options. Then, I think you should move out of the house with kids like dadtotheend said. Then I think you should go to the court without any delay and bring an emergency motion to get temporary custody of your children and exclusive possession to the home. As long as you can convince the judge that you are more stable parent, you are likely to get the temporary custody and house is automatically given to parent with custody.

[Stubbs]

I'll be seeing my lawyer tomorrow to look into whether I have a shot at keeping my kids and my house.

I work in a stable consistent job, and I'm responsible for the payment off all the bills, the groceries and household paperwork. I can keep the children in the house, and keep them in their own school / daycare with their friends and routines intact.

She however, quit a well-paying job a year ago to start up a business which has so far earned a net total of $0. It has cost upwards of $10,000 though. She gets E.I. and works part-time at a wine store (where she met the guy she cheated on me with).
She tells me that she wants the house, but since she can't afford it she'll just end up moving into her boyfriend's house with my kids.

That to me is completely unacceptable and reckless behaviour, and my children should not suffer for her schoolgirl romance (he's much older, a serial cheater, and the relationship is most likely doomed to fail).

Add in the fact that she's threatened to take the kids out of province, she's deep in credit card debt and neglects to pay any bills whatsoever makes me hopeful that a judge might make somke consideration for the well-being of my children.

[Stubbs]

Update - I saw my lawyer today. I now have to scrape up $2000 for a retainer, but that's neither here nor there.

His view is that trying to get a Motion from a judge would be a process that could take months. Since there isn't any emergency situation per se, there wouldn't be any hurry to get in before a judge. And even then, he said that you're at the mercy of the whims of any given individual judge.

His suggestion was Collaborative Family Law. Him and myself and my ex and her lawyer will have a 4-way meeting to try to come to a mutual agreement about the children. He will argue for me to keep the house and the kids, but realistically we'll have to settle on something different which ensures the stability of the children.

Mind you, I will still bring out every big gun I have. Like the fact that my ex can't even present a single valid piece of I.D. with her address on it, because she's simply too lazy to change her address since the move a year ago. and her OHIP is invalid, because she's too lazy to renew it and change the address.

I'll update you as it goes. Now I have to try to put one of my kidneys up on eBay...

[limer]

The kidney joke was funny

Again status quo.

Stable home. Your lawyer said months because that will be the time lapse to start court proceedings. Your lawyer will likely give reason for adultery. He'll at least go for exclusive possession of the matrimonial home. She will try for custody and child support, and spousal support.

Collaborative maybe... depends on how head strong each of you are. You're 2G retainer will cover some precourt negotiations. Double it just to go to court. Then motions thereafter.

Avoid court if you can...I've been in it for over a year... it's not fun... and the costs don't justify the ends...

Good Luck

[standing on the sidelines]

Update -
Mind you, I will still bring out every big gun I have. Like the fact that my ex can't even present a single valid piece of I.D. with her address on it, because she's simply too lazy to change her address since the move a year ago. and her OHIP is invalid, because she's too lazy to renew it and change the address.

I'll update you as it goes. Now I have to try to put one of my kidneys up on eBay...

Well at least her inability to keep on top of important things like her health card etc should play in your favour. It shows that she cannot take care of the simple things that need to be done legally.

[Stubbs]

I made a big mistake and now I'm paying for it.

She has gone out with her boyfriend every night for the last 5 days, leaving me here in the house to watch over my kids. In a moment of poor judgement, I threw out a small snow globe collection that I had bought her over the years.

She naturally lost her mind, and told her lawyer that she's going for everything now. I sent my lawyer a letter to express my regret and explain exactly the type of life I've had to live these past few months, under the same roof with her as she flaunts her affair and integrates him into my children's lives. It was carefully worded and contained no lies. I allowed my lawyer to pass it on to hers'.

I can prove that she has no valid ID with her current address and that she has cell phone and credit card bills which are going unpaid.

I am now scared sh*tless because she's going for blood. I've offered to not sell the house and even keep MY name on the mortgage, so her and the children can stay there in lieu of spousal support, so I can affordto get an apartment with a second bedroom for the children. If she demands SS, then I will be essentially broke and will not be able to even afford a one-bedroom apartment.

I can prove a consistent steady income, good credit and financial responsibility. That being said, she's a big-time manipulator who will claim that I've been cruel to her and the children. She'll break out the tears and go for the throat.

What do I need to discuss with my lawyer before this meeting?

[billm]

Don't worry about what you did. It was not violent, and you said you were sorry. She would try to get everything from you no matter how you act. Stay strong for yourself and your daughter.

[Stubbs]

The problem is that she freaked out to her lawyer about them being 'priceless', and how she was going to will them to our children.

I'm just scared to death here. A lot of other stories I read on this forum involve people who make pretty decent money and have real assets and a spouse with a career. I make okay money, but my wife has put us deep in debt and lives off of EI payments and a part-time job. Our house is worthless, and if it were sold we would lose tons of money on it right now.
She's dangerously unstable and probably willing to do anything to destroy me and get sole custody of the children.

The only thing I have going for me right now is that I have documents which can prove some of her financial irresponsibility. But that would mean that this thing will have to go as far as court appearances. I don't want to subject my children to that. I'm sure she would, just to make me pay.

[Stubbs]

*A quick update*

She asked me to take a day off work so we could talk.

I think her lawyer realizes that if I try for custody and it goes to court that I will win hands down.

She's been very pleasant to me today, and sat herself down and started charting out everything she needs to do to to make the transition for OUR house to HER house.
I will keep my guard up, but it looks like she's prepared to stick with our original agreement: she stays in the house with the kids, and I don't pay spousal support as long as I'm willing to keep my name on the mortgage until she can take it over completely.
If she defaults, we sell. And she said the kids will not go into any new guy's house, nor will any new guy move into my house.

I am cautiously optimistic. I'm still doing the lawyer meeting next week, and with any luck I can stay out of trouble and I can have a finalized separation agreement in 8 days.

Huzzah! Freedom!

[Stubbs]

...And 8 days later...

After much stress and more fighting and such, the meeting went ahead.

Spousal Support has been waived, and she waived her right to my pension in exchange for me taking all the 'joint' debts (which she ran up). She gets to take care of her 2 massive high interest credit card debts, and I have $14,000 in a line of credit and a Sears card. So as much as that hurts, it's managable.

Otherwise, the real killer is what I'll be facing June 1st:
Rent on my new apartment - $820
My first child support payment - $930
My 75% share of June daycare fees (since she's been slow to file the subsidy paperwork) - probably about $900. Even after the subsidy I'll still be paying over $300 a month.

PLUS... 50% of all the costs and utilities from my old house, as the bills come in.

So needless to say, I'll be selling one of my livers.

Seriously, I make just over $60,000 a year and I won't be able to afford to stay in an $820 apartment. That is an prime example of what's wrong with Family Law.
Exactly how do people survive with payments like this?