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  • Co-parenting and punishment carry-over

    Is it reasonable to expect a punishment (grounding from electronics) to be enforced by access (every 2nd weekend) parent? Ex had originally agreed to it but I got notices that he was logging into his account at 1:30 in the morning. She later acknowledged he was on the computer over the weekend. It was a fair and reasonable grounding for a pretty serious action. Her stance is that's between him and I, not her place to regulate his electronic use or how late he's staying up.

  • #2
    If Mom agreed to the punishment before you handed it out ("Kid has misbehaved. I would like to impose grounding from electronics for two weeks. Because he'll be with you for part of those two weeks, I want to ask if this is okay with you"), then she should follow through. However, if Mom finds out after the fact ("I told Kid he was grounded from electronics for two weeks") I think she can decide for herself whether she wants to enforce your rule or not. In general, I think what happens at one house should stay at one house (no punishment carry-overs), unless the parents are extremely co-operative and consult each other in advance.

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    • #3
      Yes, she agreed beforehand. It wasn't even supposed to be his weekend with her but I agreed to it as they have a bad relationship. I think he partially went to avoid the punishment. In this case, he stole my password and used it to buy $85 worth of app purchases on his phone.

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      • #4
        In general, I think what happens at one house should stay at one house (no punishment carry-overs)
        True that

        In this case, he stole my password and used it to buy $85 worth of app purchases on his phone.
        Ouch...kid needs to move to Android platform (mostly free), get a job to pay for own apps, or find alternative means to side load apps

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        • #5
          First of all, why is he on a computer at 1:30am at your ex's house! I would mention this to her so she knows he's being sneaky like that.

          Second, I'm a big believer that the consequences should fit the incident. Being grounded from electronics for stealing a password and buying apps might not have been the best choice. I would have deleted the app in question, or made him work extra chores to pay me back that $85. That punishment is also not contingent on your ex's cooperation, which is ideal.

          I have my wifi router programmed not to allow access by the kids' devices between bedtime and 7am. You may want to look into something like that. Of course, they can play other games, but it helps with some things.

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          • #6
            She's aware of his late hours. Didn't faze her.

            Electronics grounding is not the only part of the punishment. He'll be working off that $85 to help show him the value of money. I've out further restrictions in his phone settings and on the family computer to ensure I've got a tighter rein on things.

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            • #7
              I'd double what he has to earn.

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              • #8
                As Mom agreed beforehand she should have carried through with the agreement.

                How old is your son?

                If you are unable to agree on a common approach with ex, I'd chalk it up to lesson learnt for next time and let it go. Otherwise, you'll waste your time and energy which will take away from the rightful focus ... you and your son.

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                • #9
                  Once you buy an Apple app, you have access to it i.e. it's your own.

                  Yeah, but the neighbours have theirs locked down? Kids are a lot smarter these days


                  Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                  First of all, why is he on a computer at 1:30am at your ex's house! I would mention this to her so she knows he's being sneaky like that.

                  Second, I'm a big believer that the consequences should fit the incident. Being grounded from electronics for stealing a password and buying apps might not have been the best choice. I would have deleted the app in question, or made him work extra chores to pay me back that $85. That punishment is also not contingent on your ex's cooperation, which is ideal.

                  I have my wifi router programmed not to allow access by the kids' devices between bedtime and 7am. You may want to look into something like that. Of course, they can play other games, but it helps with some things.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    The first time Mom asked Dad to carry over a punishment at our home, Dad agreed to it. Mom said that D8 was "out of control" and "talking back" that D8 had a "terrible attitude problem". We felt that carrying over the punishment was the right thing to do. We had not yet experienced this with D8, but we considered that D8 is with her Mom for 2 weeks at a time and it's possible that she may be acting out during this extended time away. Dad asked Mom if she had a discussion with D8, Mom said that had. Dad said that he, too, would sit-down with D8 over the weekend and discuss it briefly with her. Mom didn't like this and got all riled up. She insisted that Dad refrain from discussing it any further with D8, but that he needed to carry out the punishment over the weekend, because D8 needed to see that they were "both on the same page".

                    We couldn't understand why Mom would be so outraged at the idea of Dad having a brief talk with D8 about what had happened. After-all, Mom's preaching that she wants D8 to see that both Mom and Dad are on the same page. Dad ignored Mom and had a brief talk with D8 about what had happened. According to D8, she was playing with the boyfriend's son and at some point said to the boy, "stop, you're being annoying". The boyfriend heard this, told D8 that she was grounded for a week and sent her to her room. Dad explained to D8 that we must speak to others in a way that we wish to be spoken to, etc. etc. and that was the end of that.

                    Dad emailed Mom after returning D8 on Sunday and shared with her what D8 had said. Mom was livid! She was pissed with Dad for having had the gall to speak with D8 after she already told him not to. Dad repeated what D8 told him and asked if this was the extent of what had happened, Mom said yes, that D8 needs to learn how to talk to people, blah blah blah. That was all that happened, there was nothing else to the story, now verified by Mom.

                    We had to give our heads a shake at this one. Yes, this is an important age where we can use these opportunities to teach the little ones right from wrong, granted, but a week's punishment for telling the boy that he's being annoying? Mom said she was "out of control", come on! When punishing kids at this age, the punishment starts to lose it's effectiveness after the first day or two. Use the opportunity to sit down with your kid, who's at an impressionable age and explain to them why they're in trouble, instead of shouting "don't do that" and sending them to their room to stare at the ceiling. One can't possibly think that this is effective. It's lazy.

                    When you're dealing with an unruly r out of control teenager... well, I'm not sure how one would handle punishing a teenager, we're not quite there yet. lol I can only reflect on what I remember didn't work on me when I was in my teens.

                    The second time Mom asked Dad to carry over a punishment, Mom said that D8 was being "incredibly disrespectful to her friends" and that the friend's Mother had called to discuss it with her. This sounds pretty bad, right? Dad asked Mom what happened. Mom said that she gave D8 her old cell phone to play with and that D8 texted her friend asking her to call her, but the friend replied that she can't because she's cleaning her room...wait for it...D8 texted, "you have to call me now, it's important, call me or you won't be my friend anymore" followed by an angry emoticon. That was it. That was the extent of it. This friend's Mother called D8's Mom for whatever reason, I don't understand why she would in the first place, instead of just minding her own daughter and telling her to put down the phone and finish cleaning her room, but anyhoo, this according to Mom, warranted another week's grounding. Dad told Mom that if this is the extent of what happened, that no, D8 will have already be punished in her home for 3 days and that he felt that was ridiculous enough, that the punishment would not carry over at in our home.

                    Dad did have a brief talk with D8 that weekend, as we were sure that Mom and boyfriend already drilled her enough together. Ridiculous.

                    It would be great if parents could show their children that hey, Mom and Dad are on the same page here, but what about those times when the parents don't agree, they're not on the same page. So confusing for the children!

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                    • #11
                      Why does Dad want to talk to Kid about what happened at Mom's house. Either Dad trusts Mom, and is willing to carry over the punishment from her house to his based on Mom's word alone, no discussions with Kid; or Dad doesn't trust Mom so he doesn't apply punishments from her house, and Mom will have to find punishments that can be carried out only on her time. Getting Kid to tell you about what happened at the other parent's house (and then telling the other parent what Kid said) is a recipe for drama.

                      It also undermines the other parent's authority. You may not agree with Mom's style of discipline (and she probably doesn't like some things about the way your husband treats the kids), but unless there's abuse or neglect going on, you shouldn't be talking to Kid about how Mom deals with misbehavior. Her house her rules.

                      Parents either back each other up unconditionally, or they don't and they maintain completely separate households and rules. Discussing with the kids whether the other's parent's discipline is warranted just encourages kids to play one parent against the other. It sounds like in this case Dad and Mom do not trust each other, so Dad should needs to tell Mom that he isn't carrying over punishments from her house, period. And no more discussion with Kid.

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                      • #12
                        At no point in Dad’s brief talks with D8 does Dad mention or even give D8 the notion that he doesn’t agree with Mom’s punishment. Dad asks D8 what happened and then he uses the opportunity, whether he believes that D8 was “out of control” or not, and whether he agrees with Mom's punishment or not, to talk to her about it. Whether or not D8 wrong, Dad uses the opportunity to try and teach her something from it. Will the punishment carry over in our home if Dad doesn’t completely agree with it? Maybe, maybe not. Does D8 have to know that Dad disagrees with Mom? No. And he will still use the opportunity to discuss things with her.

                        When D8 gets in trouble at Moms, Dad only has the right to discuss what happened with D8 if he agrees that what she did was absolutely wrong and he agrees to carry over Mom’s punishment in his home? Come on.

                        When D8 is punished by her Mother, immediately before our weekend with her, D8 is silent and noticeably upset. This is a happy kid who tells story after story after story, she can’t wait to tell you what she’s been up to the two weeks she’s been away. Do you suggest that Dad just ignore her? Or discuss what happened, and use the opportunity to hopefully teach her something from it, at the same time, breaking the tension and bringing a smile back to her face?

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                        • #13
                          If Dad doesn't agree with Mom's punishment, he tells Mom, not D8.
                          Should Dad have emailed Mom asking if what D8's told him happened, was in fact the extent of it, maybe not, but with Mom's version, Dad was led to believe that Mom was having some great difficulties with D8 and this concerned him. Dad learned that his concerns were unwarranted and so he could breathe again, for the time being.

                          Reading over my first response, I can understand how my last statement might have given the idea that Dad lets on to D8 that he's in disagreement with her Mom, "It would be great if parents could show their children that hey, Mom and Dad are on the same page here, but what about those times when the parents don't agree, they're not on the same page. So confusing for the children!" But let me clarify, Dad does not share with D8 his disagreements with her Mom ever, on any topic, at any time.
                          Last edited by RLS; 05-05-2015, 03:38 PM.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by stripes View Post
                            Why does Dad want to talk to Kid about what happened at Mom's house. Either Dad trusts Mom, and is willing to carry over the punishment from her house to his based on Mom's word alone, no discussions with Kid; or Dad doesn't trust Mom so he doesn't apply punishments from her house, and Mom will have to find punishments that can be carried out only on her time. Getting Kid to tell you about what happened at the other parent's house (and then telling the other parent what Kid said) is a recipe for drama.

                            It also undermines the other parent's authority. You may not agree with Mom's style of discipline (and she probably doesn't like some things about the way your husband treats the kids), but unless there's abuse or neglect going on, you shouldn't be talking to Kid about how Mom deals with misbehavior. Her house her rules.

                            Parents either back each other up unconditionally, or they don't and they maintain completely separate households and rules. Discussing with the kids whether the other's parent's discipline is warranted just encourages kids to play one parent against the other. It sounds like in this case Dad and Mom do not trust each other, so Dad should needs to tell Mom that he isn't carrying over punishments from her house, period. And no more discussion with Kid.
                            Talking to the child is more than just getting to the bottom of what happened at the other house. It is also to reaffirm that actions have consequences and that both parents are aware of the offending issue. It is to talk to the kid and help them understand what is wrong and what is right. It isn't just a practice to undermine the other parent and dig out info.

                            All that said, RLS' instance, if accurate, the punishments did not fit the crime. While I would carry over a portion of the punishment, there is no way I would ground the kid for a week for calling someone a name. A day, yeah, I can see that. No treats or electronics for a day? That works also.

                            Carrying over punishments is important. I do it regularly with my ex. But my ex isn't overboard with her punishments, so I am fine with continuing them. If my kid came over grounded for a week, I'd for sure want to know what went on and explain to her why her actions aren't acceptable. If it is a day without electronics, I care that over without question. But I am not about to curtail my parenting time for a punishment I don't agree with. No one should.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
                              Talking to the child is more than just getting to the bottom of what happened at the other house. It is also to reaffirm that actions have consequences and that both parents are aware of the offending issue. It is to talk to the kid and help them understand what is wrong and what is right. It isn't just a practice to undermine the other parent and dig out info.
                              Precisely.

                              Comment

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