Child's activities during other parent's time

[randomjohndoe]

Question on behalf of a friend.

Still in unresolved battle, currently de facto sole custody, other parent has visitation twice a week and full weekend every other week.

Issue arose regarding some children's activities scheduled on visitation day's of the other parent. They want this time to be theirs only and don't want anything scheduled on those days. But certain things can't be arbitrarily moved around, for example if kid is in sports club, there could be a competition on some day that belongs to the other parent.

On one hand I understand their desire to spend time however they want, but if the kid is involved in regular activity eliminating everything from weekends is just not feasible.

What would be common practice to resolve this?

[randomjohndoe]

The subject was supposed to be "child's activties during other parent's time"

[blinkandimgone]

It is up to each parent how they choose to spend their time with the kids and the other parent should not be scheduling obligations for the children on the other parent's time.

[randomjohndoe]

In an ideal world yes, but how do you propose to deal with events that you can't move around?

[stripes]

The kid may miss the events. That's up to the access parent. The residential parent can't say how Kid will spend his/her time with the access parent, so should exercise extreme care in scheduling anything during the access parent's time. Yes, this means Kid may miss some extracurricular activities, but that's how it goes. I had to take my kid out of soccer because ex wouldn't take her to games when it was his parenting time - but that was his prerogative, and I knew that was the risk I ran when I signed Kid up for soccer (despite getting his agreement in advance).

The residential parent could also inform the access parent about competitions or whatever on that parent's weekend with Kid. However, it would be inappropriate for the residential parent to show up at these competitions, events, whatever, unless it was that parent's time with Kid.

[blinkandimgone]

In an ideal world yes, but how do you propose to deal with events that you can't move around?

Each parent decides what they will do on their time. They have the option to go or not go.

[Beachnana]

Thats how kids build up resentment of one parent. You sign them up and inform the other parent there is a game or class in their access time. Parent does not want to take them ( although for the life of me I cannot understand why any parent would do that to a child) so you then tell the child they cannot go because other parent will not take them. Not sure who to feel sorry for. ... The parent who put the child into an activity knowing the other parent would not take them or the parent who gets told they are now committed to something they did not agree to OR the child who gets screwed by adults who cannot cooperate for the sake of the child.

Sorry for the rant BUT do not tell your children they can go to activities if you know this is going to be an issue. Just be honest and state at the beginning no we cannot do it because....

Why sign them up for things you know they will miss half of or miss the tournaments. Children are not stupid but bot they can be resentful and they can also be judgmental. "So lets get this straight my parents cannot agree so I get screwed over and cannot attend sports or activities with my buddies because of it. So what I just sit at home or later I chose which parent has the best options for me"

Well sorry for the rant but honestly it seems to come up all the time. Parent A signs them up and Parent B will not take them. Kid is screwed. Well no one said Divorce was fair!

[blinkandimgone]

Agreed...if you sign up your kid for an activity that falls on the other parent's time it should be with the understanding that they may or may not be going those days.

[Berner_Faith]

Why not offer the other parent equal time? Who decided it was defacto sole custody? Was there a court order? It is often hard for parents who have the children the majority of the time to understand how precious time is with the children for those who don't have the children as often.

Having children every other weekend limits family time or time to do special activities with the children. I would suggest telling your friend there is nothing they can do, as they cannot dictate how one spends their parenting time.

[Dadx5]

If there is no court order then wouldn't it be de facto joint custody. If that is the case then both parents should be agreeing regarding activities.

If child is in activities on mom's time but occasionally (one or two times a year) there is a tournament ect that falls on other parents time then tell them well in advance and make an offer to let the dad chose to either swap weekends or be the parent to take the child. However there shouldn't be any ongoing activity scheduled on dad's time if he isn't in agreement.

[randomjohndoe]

Thanks everybody, I understand.

[HappyMomma]

The residential parent could also inform the access parent about competitions or whatever on that parent's weekend with Kid. However, it would be inappropriate for the residential parent to show up at these competitions, events, whatever, unless it was that parent's time with Kid.

I 100% disagree with this. I encourage my ex to show up at the children's events. I have ZERO desire to be anywhere near him but it's not about me - it's about the children and of course they want him there. That he chooses not to speaks volumes.

[HappyMomma]

Why not offer the other parent equal time? Who decided it was defacto sole custody? Was there a court order? It is often hard for parents who have the children the majority of the time to understand how precious time is with the children for those who don't have the children as often.

Having children every other weekend limits family time or time to do special activities with the children. I would suggest telling your friend there is nothing they can do, as they cannot dictate how one spends their parenting time.

The OP said twice a week and every other weekend which is actually a shared arrangement (assuming the twice a weeks are overnight and weekend is only Friday/Saturday night), that's 6 nights out of 14, potentially 7/14 if a F/S/Sun weekend.

[HappyMomma]

I have this issue arise all the time in our shared arrangement.

Thankfully, my ex values the extracurricular activities and so the children are able to make it.

My approach has been:
1. Sign them up but explain they may not be able to make it to all events.
2. Notify ex of activity dates and times.
3. In the case that an event is happening on my ex's time, I ask if he would like to take them OR if he would like me to take them, and he can switch a night.

So far this approach has worked. My ex has never taken them, has always allowed me too take them, and has NEVER taken an extra night to make up for the missed one (his loss on ALL COUNTS).

I also talk to the activity leaders to let them know the situation so they know the children may miss time - as long as the activity is recreational and not competitive there shouldn't be an issue.

Before making a decision I did prepare myself for the possibility that I might be paying for an acitivity that the children could only attend half the time, but in the long wrong I figured the cost was worth it.

BTW - if you sign the children up for city sponsored activities, you can talk to the coordinator and see if you can get a break on the cost if the children can only make it half the time - I've had this offered to me before.

[HappyMomma]

If there is no court order then wouldn't it be de facto joint custody. If that is the case then both parents should be agreeing regarding activities.

RandomJoe - you should let your friend know this - No order means JOINT CUSTODY - not SOLE.