Access

[chapter2]

Court order states ex must pick up kids from daycare friday and return sunday at 6pm. I have custody and he has visitation every other weekend.

Anywho, I have been dealing with sparatic weekend visits for the kids, random pick up times and random drop offs over the last three years. (Order was just created in Jan 2014).
I have sent him a weekend schedule to work with him on parenting time after his refusal to send me any kinda weekend schedule. His response is "I will see what I can do", "if I cant make it on time for the kids", you will have to pick them up. I refused saying its his weekend, he will have to have a back up plan. He advised me that I am his default and told me I am abandoning my kids.

So, I have sent him an email advising the following:
-if he fails to pick up the girls on the friday from daycare, he is solely responsible for any late fees incurred.
-if he leaves it to me to pick up the girls on his scheduled weekends, he will forfeit his weekend with them and will not be granted a make-up weekend.

Unfortunately, I wish it didnt have to be like this, but he has nothing left to control me with other than the children and not providing any kind of schedule or stability in a regular schedule is the only control he has left.

I have read so many threads of men trying so hard to see their children. It makes me sad that I picked a man who puts everything before his children and then if he has time for them he will "try and make it".

[HammerDad]

So, I have sent him an email advising the following:
-if he fails to pick up the girls on the friday from daycare, he is solely responsible for any late fees incurred.

This is reasonable.

-if he leaves it to me to pick up the girls on his scheduled weekends, he will forfeit his weekend with them and will not be granted a make-up weekend.

This is NOT reasonable. Just because he is late doesn't grant you authority to withhold his parenting time.

[OntarioMomma]

I feel you. My ex is the same, everything else comes first, kids come last when/if he's got the time.

I think what you're offering is fair. Your kids and yourself deserve some stability and regularity in your life.

While you have every right to tell him it's his responsibility to make other arrangements for pickup if he can't make it on his weekends. Personally, I would not want my kids left hanging and thinking they've been forgotten.

I would also add in a request that he confirm a few days before the weekend whether he will be picking them up or not. That way you can be prepared for having to pick them up if you don't hear from him and he's a no show.

I'd also make sure the daycare is aware of the issues and ask them to contact you if he picks them up at other times not on the schedule or doesn't show up when he's supposed to pick them up.

[chapter2]

He needs to be responsible for his parenting time. If I am late, he is not there? What's the difference?

I did discuss this with a lawyer yesterday in consultation.

[OntarioMomma]

This is NOT reasonable. Just because he is late doesn't grant you authority to withhold his parenting time.

I get why you say its not reasonable.

But If they agree on certain weekends, and he bails, why should mom's weekends get changed around? dad needs to pick up his socks and be on time.

[chapter2]

Thanks for the suggestions OM! I will def use them!

I WANT him to be a stable person in my kids life, he is choosing not to be.

[chapter2]

I get why you say its not reasonable.

But If they agree on certain weekends, and he bails, why should mom's weekends get changed around? dad needs to pick up his socks and be on time.

Because many people are still in the archaic mindset.
If its his weekend and I decided to head snowboarding for the weekend and leave in the morning and he is a no show at daycare...that's my fault??
He KNOWS I am the responsible parent, he KNOWS I would never abadone my kids - thats why he does what he does.
I have a career too but my kids will always be priority. HOWEVER<< I am not his default person. I divorced him so I didnt have to be anymore!

[Straittohell]

And your lawyer actually advised you to completely withhold parenting time if he is late?

I've been tempted to do that to my ex on numerous occasions, but never followed through. My kids were already being harmed by her being late, I wasn't about to punish them by withholding their access to their parent for a whole weekend, and punish them for my ex's mistake. When you think about it, refusing time with the kids is really just as much denying the kids access to their dad, as it is you denying the dad's access to the kids. Oh, and it isn't mine to withhold, period.

Of course, the fact that I'm male and can't get away with that behaviour as much as a female could, also factored into my decision as well.

Bottom line is this, if you don't want to disappoint and confuse the kids, don't tell them that they are going to be spending time with their dad, and when he actually shows up, it's a bonus. I'm not attempting to excuse his behaviour either, he should definitely be putting the kids first, but you're not going to fix this wrong by perpetuating a second wrong.

Oh, and please don't use the term "visitation". Regardless of who has the kids the most, any time with either parent should be treated as "parenting time". If you treat it like a visitation where he takes part as some kind of novelty guest parent, then he'll do the same.

[chapter2]

And your lawyer actually advised you to completely withhold parenting time if he is late?

I've been tempted to do that to my ex on numerous occasions, but never followed through. My kids were already being harmed by her being late, I wasn't about to punish them by withholding their access to their parent for a whole weekend, and punish them for my ex's mistake. When you think about it, refusing time with the kids is really just as much denying the kids access to their dad, as it is you denying the dad's access to the kids. Oh, and it isn't mine to withhold, period.

Of course, the fact that I'm male and can't get away with that behaviour as much as a female could, also factored into my decision as well.

Bottom line is this, if you don't want to disappoint and confuse the kids, don't tell them that they are going to be spending time with their dad, and when he actually shows up, it's a bonus. I'm not attempting to excuse his behaviour either, he should definitely be putting the kids first, but you're not going to fix this wrong by perpetuating a second wrong.

Oh, and please don't use the term "visitation". Regardless of who has the kids the most, any time with either parent should be treated as "parenting time". If you treat it like a visitation where he takes part as some kind of novelty guest parent, then he'll do the same.

He hasnt been around for three years? Kids have had more stability between myself and my boyfriend. WE do the bedtime stories, go to the school plays, etc. All he has ever done is slipped them in here and there.
And every time they come home after a weekend, they tell me all about 'the new girlfriend'.
I agree with you SH, not to tell the kids his is coming. But if he cant be a big boy and arrange two weekends a month with his kids, he's got issues.

[Berner_Faith]

You have custody... that means if Dad fails to show up, guess what... that falls on you. That's what happens when you have majority of the access. As for withholding the whole weekend, that will backfire on you if Dad decides to make a stink about it. You will look unreasonable for not facilitating access because he was late. What if he was stuck at work or in traffic?

Don't dismiss HammerDad's advice because it isn't what you want to hear. You are the majority parent in this situation and you need to be prepared to be there when Dad isn't.

[OntarioMomma]

Because many people are still in the archaic mindset.
If its his weekend and I decided to head snowboarding for the weekend and leave in the morning and he is a no show at daycare...that's my fault??
He KNOWS I am the responsible parent, he KNOWS I would never abadone my kids - thats why he does what he does.
I have a career too but my kids will always be priority. HOWEVER<< I am not his default person. I divorced him so I didnt have to be anymore!

That's exactly it. You should be able to enjoy those weekends too. Take time for yourself and recharge your batteries. And you should be able to do that trusting that their dad has got them taken care of.
And yes, you should be able to go out of town for a night!

[chapter2]

You have custody... that means if Dad fails to show up, guess what... that falls on you. That's what happens when you have majority of the access. As for withholding the whole weekend, that will backfire on you if Dad decides to make a stink about it. You will look unreasonable for not facilitating access because he was late. What if he was stuck at work or in traffic?

Don't dismiss HammerDad's advice because it isn't what you want to hear. You are the majority parent in this situation and you need to be prepared to be there when Dad isn't.

I am there and have been there. Just have to make choices as the custodial parent.
If he was an amazing parent, ok, but he isnt.

[chapter2]

That's exactly it. You should be able to enjoy those weekends too. Take time for yourself and recharge your batteries. And you should be able to do that trusting that their dad has got them taken care of.
And yes, you should be able to go out of town for a night!

Funny, you can which responses are male and which are female.

[chapter2]

And your lawyer actually advised you to completely withhold parenting time if he is late?

I've been tempted to do that to my ex on numerous occasions, but never followed through. My kids were already being harmed by her being late, I wasn't about to punish them by withholding their access to their parent for a whole weekend, and punish them for my ex's mistake. When you think about it, refusing time with the kids is really just as much denying the kids access to their dad, as it is you denying the dad's access to the kids. Oh, and it isn't mine to withhold, period.

Of course, the fact that I'm male and can't get away with that behaviour as much as a female could, also factored into my decision as well.

Bottom line is this, if you don't want to disappoint and confuse the kids, don't tell them that they are going to be spending time with their dad, and when he actually shows up, it's a bonus. I'm not attempting to excuse his behaviour either, he should definitely be putting the kids first, but you're not going to fix this wrong by perpetuating a second wrong.

Oh, and please don't use the term "visitation". Regardless of who has the kids the most, any time with either parent should be treated as "parenting time". If you treat it like a visitation where he takes part as some kind of novelty guest parent, then he'll do the same.

Lets not make this post a male VS female. We all know females AND males can be bad parents, get away with terrible things. To say 'ofcourse as a male I wouldnt get away with it' is a croc.

[OntarioMomma]

Funny, you can which responses are male and which are female.

I think its more you can tell who the good parents are.

There are a few dads here dealing with loser exes too, I'd hate to generalize and say just male vs female.