Can't agree on access schedule

[twokids]

Background - ex and i are divorced and have 2 kids. Our separation agreement speaks to child access and is based upon his shift work schedule.

Ex is injured and doing an odd shift schedule due to his limitations.

He refuses to provide me his new temporary light duties work schedule.

He has told me what days he will have children for the next 2 mos. No discussion. It is the appropriate number of days per month but it is a wierd schedule ie longer number of days with kids and then a longer break without kids.

2 weeks ago he served me with court documents asking for 50/50 custody.

Things are heated.

I told him i won't agree to his proposal until after i see his work schedule.

He said he will be picking up kids from school on the sates he told me whether i like it or not.

I said i will call police.

He said go ahead. He said i am denying him his access.

I don't know how to proceed.

I wrote him again asking to resolve this and said i simply want his work schedule.

He did not respond.

I fear he is trying to set up a status quo where he has the kids for long stretches of time and can argue we are 'practically doing a week about already'.

I worry he is having his girlfriend pick up and drop off the kids while he is still at work. (He works 12 hour shifts and can't get to daycare during business hours).

[Straittohell]

What exactly is the problem with him getting the kids 50-50?

You said that the number of days line up as agreed, but they just weren't the days that you thought they should be based on what you think his work schedule might or might not be? If you guys don't have a specific schedule written down, and the kids are still getting cared for, and you're not missing out on any time with them, what is the issue?

He has a girlfriend that wants to be involved in their lives and help out? That's awesome. I think my ex's boyfriend is an idiot and initially resisted his help, but then I realized that he wasn't going away.

You have to understand, I'm a dad with 50-50 access, and I have already went through what you went through. I didn't like that the boyfriend was picking up my kids, I didn't like that I didn't see her work schedule, blah blah blah...I used to want to see my ex's work schedule as well. I eventually realized that it is none of my business. You will hopefully realize that as well.

[dad2bandm]

...2 weeks ago he served me with court documents asking for 50/50 custody.

Things are heated.

I told him i won't agree to his proposal until after i see his work schedule...

--

...I said i will call police....

--
...I fear he is trying to set up a status quo where he has the kids for long stretches of time and can argue we are 'practically doing a week about already'...

I take it you are against both of you sharing 50/50 then?

I don't think you should be "calling the police". That is never a good thing to subject your kids to.

If you are both trying to settle on some kind of parenting plan and schedule, you should both use email for this, since you state "things are heated". Keep the "heat" away from the kids.

[HammerDad]

What does his work schedule matter? Yes, it would be best if he is around when he has the kids, but that doesn't mean him not being around is a deal breaker. So long as your ex finds someone to provide reasonable and capable care for the kids during his parenting time, it really isn't an issue. Do you ever require the use of caregivers during your parenting time? If you do, you don't have much of a leg to stand on. If you don't, well, you are an exception to most working parents today.

Calling the police will likely accomplish nothing but increase the drama. Without a police enforcement clause the police are helpless to do more than ask the other parent to return the kids, maybe even put a little pressure. But without an enforcement provision in your court order, they are otherwise helpless. And notwithstanding that, all you've done is put a big flashing light on each of your houses that you are both unreasonable people (one for withholding outside the agreement, the other for going to the lengths of calling the police).

If he does provide his work schedule, at it mirrors his proposed schedule, would you agree to the change in parenting time?

[twokids]

My Issue with the work schedule is our separation agreement has a schedule in it that is worded to say 'on the day after his last night shift he will have kids for x number of days....'

The legal basis of our agreement is based upon when he works.

I have to disagree that it is none of my business to have his schedule.

Nevermimd the fact i can't plan my life, outings withy kids etc because he tells me when he will have the kids when he gets around to telling me - sometimes with no notice at all. I had a hard time getting a camp site with my kids because everything was nearly booked up in advance and that is just one issue i have with not knowing the schedule.

[FB_]

My Issue with the work schedule is our separation agreement has a schedule in it that is worded to say 'on the day after his last night shift he will have kids for x number of days....'

The legal basis of our agreement is based upon when he works.

I have to disagree that it is none of my business to have his schedule.

Nevermimd the fact i can't plan my life, outings withy kids etc because he tells me when he will have the kids when he gets around to telling me - sometimes with no notice at all. I had a hard time getting a camp site with my kids because everything was nearly booked up in advance and that is just one issue i have with not knowing the schedule.

This can be difficult, but it is in line with what your orders states.. If you don't like it you have to agree on something new, or get a court order stating otherwise.

[blinkandimgone]

My Issue with the work schedule is our separation agreement has a schedule in it that is worded to say 'on the day after his last night shift he will have kids for x number of days....'

The legal basis of our agreement is based upon when he works.

I have to disagree that it is none of my business to have his schedule.

Nevermimd the fact i can't plan my life, outings withy kids etc because he tells me when he will have the kids when he gets around to telling me - sometimes with no notice at all. I had a hard time getting a camp site with my kids because everything was nearly booked up in advance and that is just one issue i have with not knowing the schedule.

If this is the case then it seems like a 50-50 week about would be beneficial. Then the schedule is set for the kids and you and you don't have to worry about it at all and don't have to worry about his work schedule. Problem solved.

As for his girlfriend being involved, that's great that you and he have that additional support and that the children have another person in their lives to love and care for them. Congrats to all of you!

[Straittohell]

What Blink said ^^

I do week on week off with my ex, and we are both responsible for facilitating our own care for the kids. Once in a blue moon, she will ask me to take them on her time, and I usually accommodate. Otherwise, I trust in her judgment as a parent that they are being cared for even if she is at work and they are at her house on her time.

It really does remove a lot of the stress, and it gives you rock-solid consistency.

[twokids]

This thread is supposed to be about what recourse I have with an ex who refuses to
Provide his work schedule (that our agreement is based upon) and who dictates our access schedule by atating he will take the kids when he says he will take them.

It isn't about why i disagree with 50/50 access.

[Straittohell]

50/50 access with a week on/week off IS one of your recourses, that's what some of us are trying to tell you. Your agreement might have made sense at the time, but it is not workable, especially if your ex's work schedule is being altered and changed a lot due to his accomodations.

You can go to court, you can withhold access, call the police, etc. etc., and those are all of the other recourses that were discussed, with limited viability expressed by most.

My ex absolutely hated it when I demanded her work schedule, because then it meant that I always knew what she was up to, and she felt that she no longer had control over her own life. If work was scheduled in the evening and she had the kids that week, I would inevitably ask for them. She always had to deal with me. She was right to be eventually sick of me wanting to know everything. I understand that now.

I no longer ask her for her work schedule. I no longer worry about the kids while they are with her. I accept that there are things that I cannot control.

She in turn has to accept that last minute requests for me to take the kids on her time, due to her working are now pretty much off the table. That's the trade-off.

Just picture, for a moment, a week where you can do whatever the hell you want with your time, and the next week, having 7 uninterrupted days with your kids. There are a lot of benefits.

[Berner_Faith]

It seems he did provide his work schedule to you, just not in the format you wanted it. Does your agreement say he MUST provide a hard copy or just provide his work schedule? You really have no recourse but to go back to court and if that happens, be prepared for why you don't agree with 50-50 even though the days match up (according to your post)

[Berner_Faith]

50/50 access with a week on/week off IS one of your recourses, that's what some of us are trying to tell you. Your agreement might have made sense at the time, but it is not workable, especially if your ex's work schedule is being altered and changed a lot due to his accomodations.

You can go to court, you can withhold access, call the police, etc. etc., and those are all of the other recourses that were discussed, with limited viability expressed by most.

My ex absolutely hated it when I demanded her work schedule, because then it meant that I always knew what she was up to, and she felt that she no longer had control over her own life. If work was scheduled in the evening and she had the kids that week, I would inevitably ask for them. She always had to deal with me. She was right to be eventually sick of me wanting to know everything. I understand that now.

I no longer ask her for her work schedule. I no longer worry about the kids while they are with her. I accept that there are things that I cannot control.

She in turn has to accept that last minute requests for me to take the kids on her time, due to her working are now pretty much off the table. That's the trade-off.

Just picture, for a moment, a week where you can do whatever the hell you want with your time, and the next week, having 7 uninterrupted days with your kids. There are a lot of benefits.

Just wanted to say that it says a lot about you when you can realize what you did. Good for you!

[Straittohell]

Thanks Berner!

My intentions were originally good, which was the principle of maximum contact for both parents with the kids, but that didn't mean that my ex was interested in that level of coordination, nor should I have expected her to change her mind on it. I was getting my kids half of the time in the beginning, plus 2-3 days during her week, and I got used to it. Once she started saying no to me taking the kids off of her hands, and startedmaking her boyfriend do some of the work, I realized how spoiled I had been, and initially had trouble letting go.

That's what a lot of this whole thing is about, knowing when to let go, and knowing what is really worth fighting for. I won't lie and say that it is the easiest thing to do in the short term, but it grants one a lot of peace in the long term.

[Beachnana]

Threads never stay on topic!

But you stated you have been served with court papers, so get some legal advice fast. You have a certain period to which you need to draft up a reply.

Clearly you are not happy with the current parenting schedule where he gets to dictate when he will take the children and you can never plan anything in advance so this is your time to do something about it.

Working with some good legal counsel come up with your proposal. There are lots of different examples of access. Week on week off, 2/2/3 etc. What his work schedule is has no real bearing on either of your parenting times.

Do yourself a favour and move on from living under his life and get your own. IMO the only way to do that is to mediate a suitable schedule and if he works during his parenting time then he needs to find daycare. You could both have first right of refusal clauses.

Maybe he is doing you a big favour by bringing this up and its time for you to take some control and be able to plan your life. " oh I do not have the children this weekend so I am off to Vegas. Or oh its my weekend, so I have booked a trip to Disney and can do so 6 months in advance to get the best deals". Thats the big advantage of taking a second look at your agreement and letting go of his schedule.

Its none of your concern when he works. Repeating myself now, so I will finish.

[stripes]

This thread is supposed to be about what recourse I have with an ex who refuses to
Provide his work schedule (that our agreement is based upon) and who dictates our access schedule by atating he will take the kids when he says he will take them.

It isn't about why i disagree with 50/50 access.

It sounds like the problem is that your parenting schedule is hooked to his work schedule, which is unpredictable and fluctuating, because of his injury and shift work. Is it possible to unhook them? Suggest to your ex that you settle on which days each month he will have the kids (with plenty of lead time), and then on his days he has the kids, whether he's working, not working, night shift, day shift, whatever. He makes arrangements for the kids on his days (which may include his girlfriend), you make arrangements on yours. That way you don't need his work schedule. If you both agree to this, you don't need to get into heated legal battles over his schedule every month.

I have a situation similar to Straittohell's. It really is better to have as little involvement in the ex's life (including his work life) as possible.

50/50 is another issue apart from the hooking-together of work and parenting schedules. In general, unless there are major concerns about the other person's ability to parent, 50/50 is what's best for the kids as they maximize their time with each parent.