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  • Shared Access & Everyday Expenses

    Hi Everyone,
    I'm trying to negotiate a way to share the week to week expenses for my son. In the past several years I have found that simply looking after things like school trips, birthday party gifts, hot lunches, haircuts, (and the list goes on and on) on a biweeky basis simply doesn't work. I find that one parent seems to ALWAYS end up with the majority of expenses on a regular basis.

    My proposal is that we try to do things on a monthly basis. That seems simpler for the child as well. In September I pay for all expenses, and he look after Oct. Could it work out that one pay a little more one month? Absolutely, but I think it would work itself out by the end of each year. I've suggested that if there are particularly higher costing school trips (ski trip @ $50) that we can split those.

    I'm looking for ideas to make things simpler. The less we have to ask one another for half of this and a half for that will make life easier for all involved. Especially our son!

    Looking forward to your ideas.
    Also wondered what any of you thought about. High school uniforms. So far $550 (approximately) spent. Is this a special expense? (ex says it's simply back to school clothes)

  • #2
    Not suggesting you be petty. Assuming the concept of shared parenting means 50/50 with each parent.


    Option 1. Suggest that each parent provide their own clothes, supplies etc. Just like they provide their own bed for the child. You purchase school clothes for when child is with you and other parent purchases school clothes for when child is with him. Same with Hockey and other sports. If the game is on your time - then child uses your equipment conversly if the game is on other parents time then they provide their ownequipment. If the Birthday party or school outing is during one parents time, then that parent foots the bill.

    So if the child has 2 homes and both parents are not willing to split the cost of major possessions, to move back and forth between homes, then each parent provides their own. Suggesting this option may show how expensive it could get and how its better to go with option 2.

    Option 2 Work out a annual budget. Both agree to contribute monthly to the account that you Open a bank account in sons name and all expenses can be paid from there. Helps son also to understand neither parent is a bottomless pit for the asking.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks Beach,
      I certainly don't want to be petty. The hockey equipment and clothing for son aren't really an issue. We both shop for him.

      I'm just trying to simplify things for the child and myself. School trip forms are due on one date and happen on another date. Perhaps we should just go with DUE dates. Same with hot lunch forms etc. To be honest, it FEELS petty but at the same time it adds up!
      I just wanted to due away with the need to split things so often so thought the bi monthly thing seemed like a good idea.

      There are other larger costs that I pay more for so the thought of having the little things worked out better was just something I wanted.

      Does bi monthly seem like an odd way of doing things?

      Comment


      • #4
        What Beachnana is suggesting is pretty close to where my ex and I have landed.

        Our kids are in hockey, soccer, and other things that have specific uniforms and equipment. We trade those back and forth each week (as we each paid for them), but have complete sets of clothes at our respective houses. Even the clothes that the kids wear coming back from their mom's is pretty much what they wear back.

        For winter, boots and coats are also a shared expense, because only one of each is required. The only issue we run into are mitts and hats that don't come back, but intact families lose that crap all of the time anyway.

        When we hit the summer, however, it was getting to be a pain for my kids to wear their only pair of sandals to their mom's house, and come back wearing old shoes. We pretty much made them wear their old shoes to mom's had her buy her own sandals, and that fixed the problem.

        Comment


        • #5
          I will add that we tend to advise each other by email whenever a school trip or lunch cost comes up, and if there is any glaring disparity at the end of the month, it gets adjusted against the child support payment. (we don't use FRO and are pretty flexibile about how we do things)

          Just get a spreadsheet and keep trackof what you pay for. If your ex can't show any offsets for what you have paid for, then just request half (or whatever income proprortionate share that you have agreed to) to be paid to you at the end of the month.

          Comment


          • #6
            Hot lunches are day to day meals. If you are finding your budget is stressed (aka you said "it adds up") then perhaps do without the hot lunch.

            We pay for most everything for the children. And yet we pay full support and have them over 40 percent of time. We ski, mom doesn't. We outfit them and skis stay with us. I also outfit them in winter wear from head to do despite mom doing so as well. We spend an enormous amount of time outdoors and while the winter wear she purchases is standard for cold climate, it doesn't fit our activities (skiing) and lifestyle (lots of outdoor play).

            Kids have clothes in each home. Kids wear what they want to their mom's when going to her house. Some we don't ever see again. So be it. No biggie, we don't complain.

            Mom requests we purchase indoor shoes and the like for the children, and we ignore request. That's what CS is for.

            If we attend field trips (and we mostly do) we pay for them. If we don't attend we put it back in the bag for her to pay as this type of expense is included in our CS.

            Haircuts - how many does a kid need in a year? And first choice is 12$ with coupon. Not worth the time to even email the other parent in my opinion about it. Well...not worth my time anyhow.

            School uniforms? See if you can do the same with less, i.e. 2 outfits is sufficient and need not come to $550.

            Before you start sharing expenses or proposing to a new way - why not assess if these things are really necessary? The school uniforms are necessary but I can't imagine one kid *needs* over $550 worth. And if I were the other parent, I'd be questioning this expense off the top.

            Comment


            • #7
              This is often an issue in shared custody situations - particularly when the parents have close to equal income.

              Some ideas.

              A - Tally up all costs (clothes, haircuts, erasers, ice skates) each month, whoever paid less ponies up half the difference.

              B - Assign responsibility (mom gets winter clothes, dad gets summer clothes and all footwear, mom gets ... ) to different costs. If the breakdown means one parent is paying more, split the difference, unless the issue is one parent is spending more than the other believes is reasonable.

              C - Look at each parent's habits and goals for the child. Sometimes one parent is spending more because they enjoy shopping for their child. It may be that becomes a choice by that parent ; or that parent should curb spending and the other parent agrees to pick up the slack.

              You may wish to look at the value, on a yearly basis, of the money in question. If you add up the extra mittens, birthday parties and school supplies are we talking about more or less than $500 per year (or $250, divided in two)? Sometimes it is wiser to get over the difference rather than trying to split hairs, if the relationship is otherwise harmonious.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Serene View Post
                Hot lunches are day to day meals. If you are finding your budget is stressed (aka you said "it adds up") then perhaps do without the hot lunch.

                We pay for most everything for the children. And yet we pay full support and have them over 40 percent of time. We ski, mom doesn't. We outfit them and skis stay with us. I also outfit them in winter wear from head to do despite mom doing so as well. We spend an enormous amount of time outdoors and while the winter wear she purchases is standard for cold climate, it doesn't fit our activities (skiing) and lifestyle (lots of outdoor play).


                Kids have clothes in each home. Kids wear what they want to their mom's when going to her house. Some we don't ever see again. So be it. No biggie, we don't complain.

                Mom requests we purchase indoor shoes and the like for the children, and we ignore request. That's what CS is for.

                If we attend field trips (and we mostly do) we pay for them. If we don't attend we put it back in the bag for her to pay as this type of expense is included in our CS.

                Haircuts - how many does a kid need in a year? And first choice is 12$ with coupon. Not worth the time to even email the other parent in my opinion about it. Well...not worth my time anyhow.

                School uniforms? See if you can do the same with less, i.e. 2 outfits is sufficient and need not come to $550.

                Before you start sharing expenses or proposing to a new way - why not assess if these things are really necessary? The school uniforms are necessary but I can't imagine one kid *needs* over $550 worth. And if I were the other parent, I'd be questioning this expense off the top.
                To be honest Serene, when child support applies it's much easier. Ex is finally paying for support for D14 so day to day, week to week, month to month expenses aren't an issue. The expenses are mine....Easy

                It's sharing our son week about that things become not so straight foward. We've come to an agreement. Things should be fine. We do most things the way you've described your situation.

                Now as for the school uniforms????? Kilt is $75, blouse is $37, pants are $40 (i believe), cardigan is $40, vest is $30 something.
                It came to over $400 very quickly!!!! Not sure if you have had to purchase high school uniforms? I got her ONE kilt, ONE pants, 4 blouse (2 long sleeve, 2 short sleeve), ONE cardigan, and ONE vest.
                tights, shoes........ Stuck with the minimum IMO.
                Anyways, he isn't questioning the fact that it was a Necessary expense, just whether it's normal cs or not. I wasn't sure.

                Also, I'm not suggesting I can't afford hot lunches or other expenses. I was looking for ways to split the costs so it wasn't such a frequent activity.
                For instance, since hot lunches are of topic, there are usually 2 time frames for hot lunch schedules. Fall and Winter. You get one, and I get one would be simple. Just things like that
                Last edited by kingstonmomof2; 09-01-2014, 02:24 PM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I'm in a shared parenting situation in which parents have nearly equal income, and we have language in our divorce order stating that expenses over $50 will be treated as S7, and these expenses will be reconciled twice a year, June 15 and December 15. We also have a list of what these expenses are: extracurricular activities (agreed to in advance), footwear and winter gear (where I live, you can easily spend $300 outfitting a growing kid to survive the temperatures ...), birthday parties, and school expenses (fees and supplies). If an expense is under $50 (e.g. pizza lunch), it's too small to bother with.

                  Over the last couple of years, we've moved from a situation in which I made nearly all the S7 purchases and then had to chase after ex for reimbursement to one in which the ex is stepping up and paying for more (e.g. he bought D8 school shoes this semester). Ex initially tried to argue that all sorts of things were S7 when they clearly weren't (Halloween costumes and haircuts), but that's tapered off too. We're moving towards a situation in which no or very little money needs to be exchanged at reconciliation time because we're both laying out roughly equal amounts in S7.

                  So my advice would be:
                  1) A very specific list of what is or is not a shared expense
                  2) A dollar limit for minimum expenses so nobody is nickel-and-diming (some people use $100, we used $50, the number doesn't really matter as long as you agree)
                  3) Specified dates for reconciliation, esp. if communication with the ex is not great, so that you deal with all these expenses only once or twice a year rather than having to go back and forth on email or text for each one.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I'm a bit confused. What does it matter that you have child week about? You mention that dad pays support. So I guess my question is why are you asking for reimbursement of things like hot lunches? I'm thinking this can't be more than a few dollars a lunch and that's what support is for?

                    As for the uniforms perhaps I'm stingy. I'd rather (and do) do laundry twice or more a week. Your list above includes 4 tops. She can't wear all four at once! I'm not being petty but we have kids that have two full uniforms and then a cardigan or whatever. They do Just fine in that. If I were being asked to contribute I'd be saying some of it is excessive. Perhaps I'm not the average person.

                    Birthday parties - you buy presents for parties during your time and dad on his. I can't imagine asking my ex or my hubby's ex for money towards a bday gift for someone else. Again, perhaps I'm not the norm.

                    Easy is taking on the typical stuff yourself - the 12$ haircut at first choice, the 20 gift card for a bday party, etc.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by stripes View Post
                      I'm in a shared parenting situation in which parents have nearly equal income, and we have language in our divorce order stating that expenses over $50 will be treated as S7, and these expenses will be reconciled twice a year, June 15 and December 15. We also have a list of what these expenses are: extracurricular activities (agreed to in advance), footwear and winter gear (where I live, you can easily spend $300 outfitting a growing kid to survive the temperatures ...), birthday parties, and school expenses (fees and supplies). If an expense is under $50 (e.g. pizza lunch), it's too small to bother with.

                      Over the last couple of years, we've moved from a situation in which I made nearly all the S7 purchases and then had to chase after ex for reimbursement to one in which the ex is stepping up and paying for more (e.g. he bought D8 school shoes this semester). Ex initially tried to argue that all sorts of things were S7 when they clearly weren't (Halloween costumes and haircuts), but that's tapered off too. We're moving towards a situation in which no or very little money needs to be exchanged at reconciliation time because we're both laying out roughly equal amounts in S7.

                      So my advice would be:
                      1) A very specific list of what is or is not a shared expense
                      2) A dollar limit for minimum expenses so nobody is nickel-and-diming (some people use $100, we used $50, the number doesn't really matter as long as you agree)
                      3) Specified dates for reconciliation, esp. if communication with the ex is not great, so that you deal with all these expenses only once or twice a year rather than having to go back and forth on email or text for each one.
                      Yes. Since my post we've decided to practice 1. & 2. and do it more diligently.
                      This will surely help

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by OrleansLawyer View Post
                        This is often an issue in shared custody situations - particularly when the parents have close to equal income.

                        Some ideas.

                        A - Tally up all costs (clothes, haircuts, erasers, ice skates) each month, whoever paid less ponies up half the difference.

                        B - Assign responsibility (mom gets winter clothes, dad gets summer clothes and all footwear, mom gets ... ) to different costs. If the breakdown means one parent is paying more, split the difference, unless the issue is one parent is spending more than the other believes is reasonable.

                        C - Look at each parent's habits and goals for the child. Sometimes one parent is spending more because they enjoy shopping for their child. It may be that becomes a choice by that parent ; or that parent should curb spending and the other parent agrees to pick up the slack.

                        You may wish to look at the value, on a yearly basis, of the money in question. If you add up the extra mittens, birthday parties and school supplies are we talking about more or less than $500 per year (or $250, divided in two)? Sometimes it is wiser to get over the difference rather than trying to split hairs, if the relationship is otherwise harmonious.
                        and ...

                        D - Find better employment for yourself so these costs don't cause you hardship.

                        Good Luck!
                        Tayken

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Serene View Post
                          I'm a bit confused. What does it matter that you have child week about? You mention that dad pays support. So I guess my question is why are you asking for reimbursement of things like hot lunches? I'm thinking this can't be more than a few dollars a lunch and that's what support is for?

                          As for the uniforms perhaps I'm stingy. I'd rather (and do) do laundry twice or more a week. Your list above includes 4 tops. She can't wear all four at once! I'm not being petty but we have kids that have two full uniforms and then a cardigan or whatever. They do Just fine in that. If I were being asked to contribute I'd be saying some of it is excessive. Perhaps I'm not the average person.

                          Birthday parties - you buy presents for parties during your time and dad on his. I can't imagine asking my ex or my hubby's ex for money towards a bday gift for someone else. Again, perhaps I'm not the norm.

                          Easy is taking on the typical stuff yourself - the 12$ haircut at first choice, the 20 gift card for a bday party, etc.
                          I don't understand the confusion. Ex pays support for one child (new as of yesterday) so I take care of ALL expenses for her.

                          We share expenses for our Son equally.

                          It's been difficult in the past to actually have those expenses shared in the past (for BOTH, but at least it's just one now)
                          While it's easy to say bd ' s, haircuts, hot lunches, school trips, & omg the list goes on are just minor so just pay it, it adds up. (For me) we make relatively the same income so it SHOULD be shared.

                          Anyways I feel we've worked it out. Here's hoping anyways

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                            and ...

                            D - Find better employment for yourself so these costs don't cause you hardship.

                            Good Luck!
                            Tayken
                            Was that response for me?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I had to read it again. Lol
                              I have zero issues with my income or affording anything and not sure what would give you that impression.

                              Comment

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