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  • What else is child support for, if not that...

    Not looking for advice...just venting. lol.

    Received the "out of the blue" txt message from ex this morning, telling me that I need to buy our child shoes, as she bought the last pair, and that pair is wrecked now. Apparently, the spare pair of shoes sent over there is lost? "New-spouse", is out of work again, so it would be helpful to their living-a-two-income lifestyle, if I can buy our child shoes.

    Ex will be receiving her child-support from me, within a day. What suitable timing. What else is child support for, if not buying our child footwear.

    A text, I won't be responding to.

    My "in-my-head" txt, that I won't be sending, would clarify for her, what child support is and why I pay her that, and possibly suggest cost-savings measures, like"

    - not buying our child a 2nd Halloween costume, knowing I already purchased our child one (apparently she didn't like the one child and I picked out together, so she's sent him in another costume to a party already, and won't be sending child to school with our costume either)
    - or buying our child a 2nd $70 sport bag, with custome name on it, when child already has a sport bag.
    - Or not pulling child out of sport tonight, because they have "going out for supper" plans tonight.

    There's at least two pairs of shoes right there.

  • #2
    That must be so frustrating for you. I think id lose my mind having to deal with that nonsense. You are not alone though but I doubt that helps you any. As ive mentioned here, I know a payor dad who took his kid to CA last year. The mom payee would not give the child his clothes. Not even a change of underwear. The dad had to buy a new wardrobe. That was the last straw for him though. He has bought nothing extra since then. Its unfortunate when decent parents get taken advantage of.

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    • #3
      1600 of child support. And we pay for everything and in twos .

      Comment


      • #4
        I cant fathom how some people think no over hall is needed with respect to how cs is spent.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by dad2bandm View Post
          Not looking for advice...just venting. lol.

          Received the "out of the blue" txt message from ex this morning, telling me that I need to buy our child shoes, as she bought the last pair, and that pair is wrecked now. Apparently, the spare pair of shoes sent over there is lost? "New-spouse", is out of work again, so it would be helpful to their living-a-two-income lifestyle, if I can buy our child shoes.

          Ex will be receiving her child-support from me, within a day. What suitable timing. What else is child support for, if not buying our child footwear.

          A text, I won't be responding to.

          My "in-my-head" txt, that I won't be sending, would clarify for her, what child support is and why I pay her that, and possibly suggest cost-savings measures, like"

          - not buying our child a 2nd Halloween costume, knowing I already purchased our child one (apparently she didn't like the one child and I picked out together, so she's sent him in another costume to a party already, and won't be sending child to school with our costume either)
          - or buying our child a 2nd $70 sport bag, with custome name on it, when child already has a sport bag.
          - Or not pulling child out of sport tonight, because they have "going out for supper" plans tonight.

          There's at least two pairs of shoes right there.
          Frustrating.

          My ex once sent our child to school in her pj's. Why? Well, mom didn't send "her clothes" with the child (she was picked up from school, dropped off at school - too much for a child to carry to school!) and there is no way he's going to let "his clothes" come back to my house at the end of the day. She had "my pajamas" at his house already, so he put them on her.

          I had to remind him that neither of us where Size 7 girls clothes. So, the clothes actually belong to the Size 7 girl - and pajama's are not appropriate for school.

          My step-son's mom thinks we should pay half of his school uniforms (he goes to catholic school). Personally, I think if she doesn't have to buy the trendy jeans, etc. for school (which is what child support is for, right?) then we shouldn't be paying for the uniform. But, we did anyway. Cost of Peace = $150 in uniforms.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by takeontheworld View Post
            I cant fathom how some people think no over hall is needed with respect to how cs is spent.
            There needs to be an overhaul on the system - not on how CS is spent. The overwhelming majority of people take good care of their children, provide what they need and utilize the child support in a way that's beneficial. I would argue that this is the majority rather than the minority.

            There are also a lot of people out there who couldn't get child support from the other parent to put shoes on their kids feet at all. And because these people exist the opinion is often those that receive it are "lucky". There's no luck involved in supporting your child and people who do get child support shouldn't be seen as having an "advantage" that "luck" brings.

            And then there are others who think because they pay a small amount every month that they are entitled to order to the recipient around and dictate the terms of how they choose to spend their money.

            I don't think this type of thing is easily legislated. Too many unique issues, strong personalities and adversity. Part of the reason people split is that they can't agree on financial priorities in their marriage - not sure who thought that people like this can agree on financial priorities AFTER they split.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by MS Mom View Post
              Frustrating.
              \My step-son's mom thinks we should pay half of his school uniforms (he goes to catholic school). Personally, I think if she doesn't have to buy the trendy jeans, etc. for school (which is what child support is for, right?) then we shouldn't be paying for the uniform. But, we did anyway. Cost of Peace = $150 in uniforms.
              A year ago, my daughters met me for coffee, and asked if we could go to Walmart, where they proceeded to go shopping for some things.

              I paid the bill, then I sent an email to my ex stating that at $600 per child per month, I would not expect to be required to buy them any clothes period, and further I resented the intrusion on my time with the kids.

              Never got a reply, but it never happened again.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
                A year ago, my daughters met me for coffee, and asked if we could go to Walmart, where they proceeded to go shopping for some things.

                I paid the bill, then I sent an email to my ex stating that at $600 per child per month, I would not expect to be required to buy them any clothes period, and further I resented the intrusion on my time with the kids.

                Never got a reply, but it never happened again.
                Good for you. My ex would have told my daughter "I pay your mom each month for these things, don't ask again or you're grounded". He's never once in 8 years paid the correct amount of support - but she doesn't need to know that.

                How do I know that's what he said to her? Well, one day, shopping at Walmart she asked if she could have "these shoes from the money dad gives you for me".

                Good for you for not taking that opportunity to berate mom like my ex did. You took care of what the girls needed and then discussed with mom. That's a dad. That's a real dad.

                My ex takes the "I pay child support"....to mean "I pay you to work for me"....

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by oink View Post
                  BOLD 1: Where are you getting this from...circle of friends you know, or a survey that you conducted? I find this hard to believe

                  BOLD 2: So that is what the issue, the amount is irrelevant in this discussion

                  BOLD 3: No $h1t, finance as mentioned over and over is the #1 reason most couples split. I know in my particular case, it was part of a myriad of issues
                  Jeezus Oink. No I didn't conduct a survey, but the majority of people out there are responsible, reasonable adults that don't need interventions from authorities to figure out how to raise their kids. If the majority weren't like that, we'd be waiting 10 years for first appearances in court because people can't agree that a child needs shoes.

                  Personally I'm tired of hearing "oh, well at least you're getting support, you're lucky". I've heard it here actually. And, no, I'm not "lucky". There's no luck involved in child support. It's pure obligation and responsibility, nothing "lucky" about it. Lucky is winning the lottery. And when dad is $10G in arrears in that child support I believe that I'm anything but "lucky". What I am is in debt.

                  What makes people think they're going to agree on how a small portion of the combined budget is going to be spent when they're apart if they couldn't agree when they were together? There will always be that disagreement, no matter what the overhaul or revamp.

                  If the system were to be "overhauled" .... how would that be done? That's the real question. How can a system be overhauled to account for everyone's concerns, everyone's priorities and everyone's situations? I know how someone who believes they pay too much child support or that the support is irresponsibly used should revamp this system. But, I'm fairly certain my experience in the whole child support unfairness would yield a completely different overhaul than yours.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by MS Mom View Post
                    Jeezus Oink. No I didn't conduct a survey, but the majority of people out there are responsible, reasonable adults that don't need interventions from authorities to figure out how to raise their kids. If the majority weren't like that, we'd be waiting 10 years for first appearances in court because people can't agree that a child needs shoes.

                    Personally I'm tired of hearing "oh, well at least you're getting support, you're lucky". I've heard it here actually. And, no, I'm not "lucky". There's no luck involved in child support. It's pure obligation and responsibility, nothing "lucky" about it. Lucky is winning the lottery. And when dad is $10G in arrears in that child support I believe that I'm anything but "lucky". What I am is in debt.

                    What makes people think they're going to agree on how a small portion of the combined budget is going to be spent when they're apart if they couldn't agree when they were together? There will always be that disagreement, no matter what the overhaul or revamp.

                    If the system were to be "overhauled" .... how would that be done? That's the real question. How can a system be overhauled to account for everyone's concerns, everyone's priorities and everyone's situations? I know how someone who believes they pay too much child support or that the support is irresponsibly used should revamp this system. But, I'm fairly certain my experience in the whole child support unfairness would yield a completely different overhaul than yours.

                    So how do you know the majority spend cs properly? I disagree with your statement. So how do you know youre right and im wrong.

                    and speaking as someone who receives no financial help from my ex...you are lucky.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I don't know that you're right or I'm right. But, one can conclude that since the divorce rate is up over 50% and we certainly aren't seeing 50% of our population in the courthouse in any given day/week/year. I can also conclude that out everyone of my divorced friends, I'm the only one that has the cs issues that I do. Does that make me "unlucky?"

                      And no, I'm not lucky because your ex is a deadbeat. How can a negative in your situation become a positive in mine?

                      Your situation is completely different than mine. It's unfortunate and unfair, but that doesn't make me "luckier".

                      The person who doesn't get abused is no "luckier" than the person who does. The person who gets paid fairly is no "luckier" than the person who doesn't. And so on.

                      Luck is purely that, luck. It's what makes people win lotteries....nothing more. It's insulting to be told you're lucky because you're getting exactly what you deserve and/or entitled to get. It ignores the $25000 in legal fees, weeks off work, and "the fight" I put in to get what I have now. I definitely wasn't "luck".

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I have nothing constructive to add, just a minor vent along similar lines:

                        D8 was upset after coming from her dad's house on Monday. Eventually it came out that she was worried she was "growing too fast" and her "arms and legs were too long". I asked why she thought this was a problem, she said her pants were too short and other kids might make fun of her. I said that she has lots of new pants in her dresser - we cleared it out and organized it last week, and she has lots of her preferred yoga pants, leggings, sweatpants, etc., in the appropriate size. She said "yes, but my pants at my dad's house are too short". I said maybe her dad hadn't noticed how fast she was growing, and if she told him, he could get her some longer pants. She said "he says it's too expensive to buy me pants and I should wear what you buy me". (Note that ex earns over $100K, has remarried to a high-income earner, *and* is a recipient of CS from me).

                        Now: I don't know exactly what was said and D8 may be exaggerating, but it's consistent with ex. He'll shell out big money for "treats" - $250 pink Doc Marten boots (for which I expect to receive a bill any day, as our agreement says that we share the costs of "outdoor winter clothes"), $150 party dresses "just because" - but won't pull his weight with the boring, mundane stuff like running shoes, and will try every trick possible to get me to give him money on top of CS and S7.

                        The financial hit to me of buying D8 extra clothes and supplies on top of paying CS and S7 is not that big, and I'm really good at the frugal shopping, but this still sucks. I just repeat to myself "If ex was dead or left the country, would I pay for xyz?". The answer is usually "yes".

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by oink View Post
                          MS MoM,

                          You said said this "There's no luck involved in child support. It's pure obligation and responsibility, nothing "lucky" about it."....I'll say lets apply the same analogy to adults seeking SS i.e. it's their responsibility to find emplyment as opposed to expecting to be fed and waited on
                          I don't receive spousal support. I don't expect anyone who didn't bring me into this world to take care of me at anytime for any reason. I'm a capable, reasonable adult that is gainfully employed and always has been DESPITE disabilities that makes it difficult.

                          I just can't see how receiving what you deserve/are owed, for a valid reason can be considered lucky? By that definition minimum wage workers are "lucky".

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by dad2bandm View Post
                            Not looking for advice...just venting. lol.

                            Received the "out of the blue" txt message from ex this morning, telling me that I need to buy our child shoes, as she bought the last pair, and that pair is wrecked now. Apparently, the spare pair of shoes sent over there is lost? "New-spouse", is out of work again, so it would be helpful to their living-a-two-income lifestyle, if I can buy our child shoes.

                            Ex will be receiving her child-support from me, within a day. What suitable timing. What else is child support for, if not buying our child footwear.

                            A text, I won't be responding to.

                            My "in-my-head" txt, that I won't be sending, would clarify for her, what child support is and why I pay her that, and possibly suggest cost-savings measures, like"

                            - not buying our child a 2nd Halloween costume, knowing I already purchased our child one (apparently she didn't like the one child and I picked out together, so she's sent him in another costume to a party already, and won't be sending child to school with our costume either)
                            - or buying our child a 2nd $70 sport bag, with custome name on it, when child already has a sport bag.
                            - Or not pulling child out of sport tonight, because they have "going out for supper" plans tonight.

                            There's at least two pairs of shoes right there.
                            I get it.

                            Been down that very same road, and really didn't like the dust kicked up from travelling it, either.

                            BUT,

                            shoes are only like 20 bucks. What's more important? Your kid having good shoes, or your insistance that you've already paid for them via CS?

                            So you buy your kid new shoes, in effect paying for them twice.
                            Your ex is a pain in the butt, and uneducated on how CS 'should' work in a perfect world.

                            C'est la vie.
                            Last edited by wretchedotis; 10-30-2013, 01:14 PM.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by MS Mom View Post
                              I don't receive spousal support. I don't expect anyone who didn't bring me into this world to take care of me at anytime for any reason. I'm a capable, reasonable adult that is gainfully employed and always has been DESPITE disabilities that makes it difficult.

                              I just can't see how receiving what you deserve/are owed, for a valid reason can be considered lucky? By that definition minimum wage workers are "lucky".
                              For the simple reason that there are so so many parents whose children receive nothing even though they are entitled. It is a moot point that its due to obligation etc. It can be hard and stressful knowing that your child has no one else should they need help. So to have a parent who takes care if the child and not all responsibility falls on you, makes you lucky in my eyes. Dont get your panties in a bunch.

                              Comment

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