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Concerned about "negative advocate" daycare

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  • Concerned about "negative advocate" daycare

    I have been divorced for 2 years. I have joint custody of my son with EOW access.

    Come September, our son will be in school full-time days and my ex will presumably return to the workforce. At that point it's pretty obvious that our son will need to be enrolled in an after school care program for the tail end of the work day and that we'll both be picking him up from the daycare depending on the day.

    It turns out that my ex's best friend runs a home daycare, lives close to the school and has a daughter in the same grade as our son. She has known him since he was born. It would seem that she would be a great candidate for his after school care except...

    Throughout the divorce proceedings she was my ex's best friend. She stood by her through thick and thin, including baseless allegations of child sexual abuse against me and attempts to have my access revoked. It cost me a lot of money but I was able to clear my name. Additionally, this person even provided evidence against me to my ex's lawyer which became part of the record for the case. As such, she falls under the role of a negative advocate for my ex. I feel that under no circumstances can I trust this person to be impartial or fair and that there's every likelihood that she would be recruited and willingly participate in any future distortion campaigns my ex wants to start.

    There's way too much risk to me, and more importantly to our son, that his daycare will not be a safe, neutral environment away from parental conflict. If my ex has already tried to go the sexual abuse route once, there's every likelihood she would do so again. With the support of a daycare, who knows, maybe she would succeed this time.

    Does anyone have any suggestions for how to respond to my ex when she inevitably "informs me" that "her son" will be attending daycare at this person's house?
    Last edited by FightingForFamily; 01-30-2013, 03:08 PM.

  • #2
    Be proactive right now, and investigate all the other possibilities for after school care that are in your area. Send them to her in advance of her having the opportunity to put forward her friend. Give your ex the choice of several of the best that your research found.

    If she argues, indicate that it would not be appropriate for her best friend to provide care, as a daycare provider should be a neutral party between the parents.

    If she still argues, I guess you'd have to take it to court.

    Comment


    • #3
      I agree with Rioe about getting alternate names prepared for your ex's consideration. This must be a tremendously stressful situation for you. I would recommend writing a letter to your ex to accompany the list of neutral after school care places. I would be quite specific for your reasons why you object to the friend's dayhome in the letter. Has your ex indicated that this friend is the place she wants to use or are your just assuming this at this time?

      Be careful not to jump the gun and put your ex in a defensive situation. If she hasn't indicated she wants her friend's dayhome then it might be wise to simply be proactive by sending her a letter anyhow. This letter could simply indicae that you feel it is important to agree on after school care placement before her anticipated return to work, etc. Possibly throw in a few more things such as pre-agreement on swimming lessons or any other activity you might want your child to participate in.

      You are smart in dealing with this now rather than at the 11th hour as you don't want to be told "every other place is fully booked so we have no choice but to go to Nancy Drew's day home."

      Comment


      • #4
        Yes, as others have already said...make sure you do your homework now, so that you can offer a bunch of choices that make sense and are available/convenient to both of you. Sometimes this involves putting down a waiting list deposit. That is good advice.

        If your ex brings up the "friend's daycare", you will have all these other choices to consider. If the ex demands that the friend's daycare, will be the only choice, and only daycare, that she will consider, she will seem unreasonable, and you can then say you think it would be in everyone's best interests that the daycare be a neutral third-party. That will be best for <childname>.

        I would be concerned too, if I were you, if there were past allegations of child sexual abuse against you, by this "daycare provider friend".

        Comment

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