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  • Advice re: Letter to High conflict ex

    Hi all,
    Hoping to get a bit of advice on the wording I should use to let ex know I plan to pay a fair share of post secondary for D.
    Background:
    Ex & D (19 yrs) refuse to disclose any financial info including: amount of trust fund from Gramps - I know it's around 30k (he told me) but they won't admit it - ex's income - D refused to apply for any grants etc., told me I should do it if I knew so much
    - D won't discuss her school plans with me, just says she hates school, wants to go back home to college MAYBE...
    - D in 1st yr of uni got most expensive residence room ( shares with only 1 student), kitchen etc. - I was informed this was the ONLY option, found out later it was yet another lie
    - I still pay CS to ex (through FRO)
    - CO states "share equally" regarding post secondary - ex interprets this to mean D pays nothing
    - Ex has stated because I'm being so unreasonable (according to her lawyer) by "demanding" all of this information that I'm not "legally" entitled to she will be taking me back to court in the new year because (in her mind) I will once again be in contempt of the court order.

    So after reading many of the posts on here and looking at many cases on CanLII I think a fair portion would be 1/3 of tuition & books, CS would be attributed to cost for residence & meal plan. I offered to put D on my health plan and she refused so I will let them cover that cost themselves. (May sound petty at this point but I'm really sick of being treated like shit by these two).
    Also, I did pay a year of CS while D did the victory lap taking only 1 or maybe 2 classes, I only found out later.
    Does this seem like a reasonable offer in this situation? I really don't want to go to court again so although I'm made to feel like I'm a walking wallet I will still take care of my obligations as a parent.
    Any helpful suggestions appreciated, thanks.

  • #2
    I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think it's unreasonable for them to expect you to contribute financially, and not be provided these particulars.

    What does your order say, in regards to this? How specific or general is it? Or is it mentioned at all?

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by dad2bandm View Post
      I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think it's unreasonable for them to expect you to contribute financially, and not be provided these particulars.

      What does your order say, in regards to this? How specific or general is it? Or is it mentioned at all?
      Thanks for your reply.

      My Order states " parties shall share equally in the reasonable special and extracurricular expenses provided that:
      -The Respondent ( my ex) advises the Applicant in advance of the expense to be incurred and provides full information and documentation of the expense.
      -Consent shall not be unreasonably withheld."

      In my opinion a lot of what my ex has done is not what I would consider "reasonable" but from my previous experience in court and what I've read if you end up in front of a judge you have a 50/50 chance of common sense prevailing. That's why I'm asking for unbiased opinions and ideas, I don't think I know what "reasonable" means anymore... cheers

      Comment


      • #4
        I think you are being reasonable in your requests for information. It can't be nice being treated like an ATM. I would question the student housing arrangement closely and ask to see, and approve, the housing request your daughter submits each term. That, in itself, might be quite revealing.

        I would think your daughter should have to maintain a respectable GPA and attend as a full-time student. Perhaps the grand-father's money is going to be considered your daughter's contribution?

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by arabian View Post
          I think you are being reasonable in your requests for information. It can't be nice being treated like an ATM. I would question the student housing arrangement closely and ask to see, and approve, the housing request your daughter submits each term. That, in itself, might be quite revealing.

          I would think your daughter should have to maintain a respectable GPA and attend as a full-time student. Perhaps the grand-father's money is going to be considered your daughter's contribution?
          Thanks for your reply.
          I did question the choice of residence when I figured out they had not given me all of the options that were available, I was told this certain residence was the ONLY option for first yr students. Shit hit the fan instantly, ex went ballistic, her usual reaction if I dare question anything, told me that extra $700 wasn't going to stop her D from going to school & suddenly D has "personal problems" that she needs a private room with double bed. Ex's current husband/wallet paid for whole yr tuition, residence, meals etc. He has much higher income than me, ex was not working but I think she has a job now.
          As for the trust it has been one continuous lie after another. I did get a copy of the will which stated money to be used for school, ex & D deny this. D even bragged to me during a particularly shitty conversation she will be able to buy a house with this money when she is finished school, because she isn't court ordered to pay a penny for school herself don't ya know.
          Frustrated & disappointed is the nicest way to describe my situation at the moment. No matter how I handle this I know it won't end well...
          Cheers

          Comment


          • #6
            I don't think you can do anything about the grandfather's money. However, it is a good thing that you have a copy of the will and it is also good that there is mention of the money being used for education. I believe you mentioned in an earlier post that the money was left to the grandmother and she can do with the money what she wishes? It's a bit vague here - was the money left to your daughter or to the grandmother in a separate trust for the granddaughter?

            If there is no separate trust established for your daughter's education I believe you might have to walk away from that argument. Your ex-wife and her mother's money may no longer your business. You will have to deal with your daughter's education at face value.

            Be careful to weigh everything carefully and ensure you aren't beating a dead horse.
            Last edited by arabian; 12-05-2012, 01:48 PM.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by arabian View Post
              I don't think you can do anything about the grandfather's money. However, it is a good thing that you have a copy of the will and it is also good that there is mention of the money being used for education. I believe you mentioned in an earlier post that the money was left to the grandmother and she can do with the money what she wishes? It's a bit vague here - was the money left to your daughter or to the grandmother in a separate trust for the granddaughter?

              If there is no separate trust established for your daughter's education I believe you might have to walk away from that argument. Your ex-wife and her mother's money may no longer your business. You will have to deal with your daughter's education at face value.

              Be careful to weigh everything carefully and ensure you aren't beating a dead horse.
              Hi Aabrian,
              I think you are getting two threads mixed, there was no grandmother involved and my ex certainly wasn't mentioned in her father's will. He cut her out after she helped her mother(who decided she wanted a divorce but didn't tell gramps) take all she wanted from their home ( he was sitting in the kitchen at the time) then ex got into an argument with him and had him thrown in jail on assault charges ( he was old, crippled up & she tried to knee him in the balls)... but I digress.
              D was left a 1/3 of an insurance policy shared with the 2 other grandkids, ex's sibling was in charge of estate and the money was supposed to be put in trust for D. One of the lies ex told me was all D got was $2500, who buys a $7500 ins. policy? Gramps left his church $100k and he told me he was giving D approx. $30k. Ex's hubby is in financial planning, he also verified amount when gramps passed on, even assured me D's education was 'taken care of" but now will not admit it (covering his butt due to up coming divorce). Ex & D bought a second horse (without telling stepdad, he thinks it's a lease) so I think that's where money is gone, according to stepdad that is where all my CS goes as well. So D cries poverty with 2 horses to ride every time she goes home, ex has everything paid for by current spouse, she used to work for him but quit unexpectedly over a year ago, she was worth more than the 75k/yr he was paying her apparently.
              I have been dealing with this shit for 17 yrs so for all of you who ask "how long can this go on", I got some bad news for you. Cheers

              Comment


              • #8
                Not sure if anyone is still following this thread but I just saw on social media site that my ex is bragging about D quitting uni to move back home, I of course have not been told anything. Supposedly D is now going to take a trade, which is good but now what should I do? Wait for them to tell me, send my letter pretending I know nothing, not say anything... how in hell do you handle this crap?? Some advice would really be appreciated, thanks.

                Comment


                • #9
                  beenthere: sorry for getting you mixed up with another post. There was someone recently who had a somewhat similar situation regarding inheritance from grandfather for child's education.

                  I think I'd keep quiet about finding something out online. Your social media info might be the only info you receive in the future and unless they know you are on there on a regular basis it might do you good to keep this tidbit of information close to your vest. If you are on the social media all of the time, and they know it, this could be simply them trying to bait you into a confrontation.

                  Yes it is, indeed, a bunch of crapola.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    "
                    Originally posted by arabian View Post
                    beenthere: sorry for getting you mixed up with another post. There was someone recently who had a somewhat similar situation regarding inheritance from grandfather for child's education."

                    No worries Arabian, you seem to be on here a lot helping lots of people like me so no wonder things get mixed up.

                    "I think I'd keep quiet about finding something out online. Your social media info might be the only info you receive in the future and unless they know you are on there on a regular basis it might do you good to keep this tidbit of information close to your vest. If you are on the social media all of the time, and they know it, this could be simply them trying to bait you into a confrontation."

                    I have no social media ties but my spouse does and somehow she is able to see what ex posts. This is my only way to know at least part of what is going on. I spoke to D just last week and she did not say one word about her change of plans, was just snarky & rude as usual. Ex constantly bashes my spouse so in her superior mind wouldn't for one minute think my spouse was capable of finding any of this, so info is probably true.
                    So do you think it's best for me to send letter with my offer as I was planning & see if they come clean? I despise these stupid games ex plays, she is so desperate to keep D under her control and keep me out she keeps this constant drama going when in the end it could all be so simple.

                    "Yes it is, indeed, a bunch of crapola."
                    Yep.


                    Thanks for your reply, cheers

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Yes sending a letter might not be a bad idea.

                      My mother used to tell me that the best way to handle miserable people is to be extra nice to them as it confuses them and they don't know how to respond. So with this in mind I'd send a really super friendly letter, starting out by saying how you wish her the very best through the Christmas season and before you know it "suzie cue" will be starting her next term at school.... you thought it would be good time to get some issues out of the way so you can both deal with things and then enjoy the Christmas seasons with your respective families etc... You may want to gag while you're preparing it but the end result might be worth it.

                      Comment

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