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  • Household expenses....need help!!!

    Since separation in Jan we have continued to occupy matrimonial home. We split expenses 50 / 50 with me paying daycare, loan payments, etc and her paying utilities and property tax. Basically I apportion expenses so it works out to as close to zero as possible.

    At the end of each month we would payout the other i.e. equalize to whoever paid more. Then in May she spent hundreds of dollars on none essential things I did not agree to and asked theybe added to monthly equalization of household expenses. I refused because i did not agree to any of these.

    So I just been keeping a running tab - this month she is refusing to pay utilities i.e. hydro and natural gas are over-due and soon so will property tax. She is saying I should pay because i owe for all the non-essential expenses i didn't agree to. I, as usual, have paid daycare, loans, etc.

    She has the money just digging her heels in to cause tension on another item. Unfortunately, if they are paid things will start to go off and we have 2 children so this isn't an option. Don't know what to do? I'm financially strapped with all the legal fees and everything i'm already covering.

    Options please! I recently filed and we have a case conference in December if that helps. Does this qualify for an emergency motion - i don't think so.

    At my wits end - can't believe how unreasonable for her to just go out and spend hundreds of dollars without telling me and then expect equalization. If I pay - she wins and this will just happen more often and for larger amounts.

  • #2
    Do you guys have a list specifying which is essential and non-essential categories? Could you sit down with her and make up the list together? As your children grow, so do their needs. If you can learn to cooperate with each other at this stage you should be able to handle problems like this in the future. Tell her it's more about cooperation than on proving who is right and who is wrong.

    Once she agrees to "the list" things should be less acrimonious. You may find yourselves adjusting the list frequently at the start.

    No "winners" in divorce.

    Comment


    • #3
      It is good you are setting boundaries and standing by them. However it would help if you detailed what she spent the money on; some things are essential to some, not so obvious to others.

      If they hydro goes off, she will suffer as much as you. She is putting on pressure. It would be a good time to suggest going to mediation, at least to come to an arrangement on the short term situation.

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      • #4
        Contact and communication is next to impossible without police showing up so everything is basically limited to email. Even if we are in the house at the same time. I send a spreadsheet monthly with the expenses and who pays what.

        As much as I would cooperate she's not having any of it - angry, bitter the whole nine yards.

        So still need options since having a "chat" won't work - I could re-send the last email advising that I would not cover her frivolous non-essential expenses such as hydro, gas, etc. and indicate as usual I have paid child care expenses (our biggest expenses btw), loans, etc. And that as usual she needs to cover utilities as they are over-due.

        She will ignore and not pay i suspect. Then what do I do?

        Really upset right now - this is on top of the tons of crap they have put me thru during the last 8 months of co-habitation!

        Comment


        • #5
          Mess - the expenses were related to outside yard work, soil, tons of flowers, aquarium equipment, things like that - I don't think in our current situation adding more flowers to the property was a priority!!!

          Lawyer is suggesting a 4-way conference in October before CC but this will probably be a waste of time.

          What do you think I should do about the situation right now? Just keep paying what I have always and let the utilities get shut off - since yes it impacts her as much as me?

          Comment


          • #6
            In my opinion a person should never leave themselves hanging out to dry like you have my friend. I did it and ended up not having money for my utilities at one point in my separation and, yes I did go without power and water for a while. No fun.

            It sounds as though you haven't separated your expenses. Are both of your names still on loans? Are the household utilities under both of your names or just one person?

            What was the frivolous thing that she spent money on (you mentioned several hundred dollars)?

            It sounds like the two of you are living beyond your means if you have no emergency funds set aside to fall back on. I'm not intending to be mean by saying that but just that you should have funds set aside so that one or the other isn't left paying all the bills if one or the other is ill. You have to consider this if you are intending to live together in the same house through your separation process (which we know can take years and years by the sounds of some of the cases on this forum).

            I assume both of you are working full time?

            Comment


            • #7
              I just read your response to Mess and to be honest I think you are doing a bit of a knee-jerk reaction here. It's not like she blew a pile on an expensive day spa. Money was spent on the home that you share with your children. Everyone enjoys the flowers. If that's the biggest boo-boo she's done then get over it.

              Make up a list of "essential" household expenses and email it to her. Tell her emphatically that she is to pay 1/2 of everything (or whatever % the two of you have agreed to).

              Hope you can get on with your life and aren't stuck nit-picking about plants and shit.

              Comment


              • #8
                Evrything has been separated i.e.car insurances, etc. So just the household expenses, utilities, etc. that are in joint name.

                She has more then enough money to cover - she is just digging her heels in to create another "burden". I can cover from lines of credit but the point is i would be conceding to expenses that had nothing to do with child care, household essential expenses i.e. hydro, gas, etc.

                As i said earlier the hundreds in expenses were for outside beautification i.e. filters / pumps for ponds, soil, more perrenial flowers, etc.

                I still think I send another email indicating that I did not agree to these expenses and as a result we now have a break-down in household expenses CAUSED BY HER for expenses she under-took on her own VOLITION. And yet another example of why an interim agreement is required. She will ignore or have a huge email written for her and sent to me.

                UGH!! This is crazy on top of the other crap. Really would like options!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Sorry Arabian didn't see your post before I responded - I know it sounds nit-picky but it's in addition to a ton of other things they have been throwing at me including police, ignoring requests to resolve issues, stealing things from the home, interfering with my time with the children, etc.

                  Quite frankly it's part of an overall strategy to give me a nervous break-down since they can't find ways to have the cops take me out! She is bitter and very hostile / angry.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I think you should take the words like frivolous and non-essential out of your vocabulary.

                    That doesn't mean you should pay for the aquarium, it means you have to calm down and stop escalating conversations with criticism.

                    You are going through a high-stress situation. You don't fix that by getting angry.

                    Pay the bills you have agreed to pay. Continue to email spreadsheets without any commentary. If the hydro goes off, buy some candles.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I think you are correct in sending her information on how her spending in one area on the house has put you in a sticky situation regarding the utility bills.

                      Just last night I did what I advise most people not to do - I ENGAGED in a war of words via email with my ex. We do not talk anymore and communication is done pretty much through lawyers. He wanted some tax information and I decided to save him money having his lawyer request it from my lawyer so I emailed it to him. He indicated he had problem reading my scanned documents so I blocked my number and called him. Not two minutes into the conversation he was blasting me with accusations. The conversation ended but the emails kept up. What did we gain from this? Absolutely nothing. My point is that sometimes its HOW you deliver the information that can really make a big difference to the listener.

                      I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you to remain civil to your ex right now. It sucks. Just remember that lawyers absolutely love it when people can't get along. It is how they make their living.

                      If the two of you can put aside some petty issues (which I'm sorry I think this is insignificant) and learn to cooperate then you will save yourselves thousands of dollars in legal bills.

                      You should really be grateful that your stbx is trying to keep the place looking decent. Many people have to worry about the other person trashing things.

                      Whatever you do... keep it civil and polite. I really wish I would take my own advice all the time LOL.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
                        ...

                        Quite frankly it's part of an overall strategy to give me a nervous break-down ...
                        When say the above, which is not the first time you have said that here, you sound whiney and illogical.

                        I know that living with your ex is hard, but it is hard for both of you.

                        Share the expense, without spewing crap at her, and be the bigger person. I am not sure you are being reasonable. She took the time and effort to shop for, buy, and maintain the outside gardens etc. All you have to do is pay half - you should be thanking her.

                        If it really bothers you (which it seems to), ask her to clear things with you that she expects you to help pay for in advance next time. She may not do it, but overall it is not worth fighting over.

                        For now I suggest you simply pay for it and apologize by explaining that you are worried about money and don't agree with that type of spending at this time, but realize that you are both for the time being sharing the house and have different views which you will try to keep in mind. And thank her for taking the time and effort to keep the house nice.

                        Or, you could fight and rant and get nowhere with settling things and live with her forever.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          You've received some excellent advice from everyone.

                          This spring and summer I too have spent hundreds of dollars on beautifying the property, almost all on flowers. I figure this might be my last year here in the mat home, and I want to beautify it as never before, not only for selling purposes, but for my own benefit. I love flowers, and have enjoyed spending the summer making the property look more beautiful than it ever has been. I have lived in my home for almost 40 years. It has never looked so beautiful.

                          Your wife likely sees her working to make the property look more attractive as a form of therapy. What is so wrong with that? Would you rather have your wife use a different type of therapy such as drinking, using drugs, have a sleep over with a boyfriend, or have the satisfaction of making the property look more beautiful?

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                          • #14
                            Thank you all for your feedback. After a good night sleep things always appear clearer.

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                            • #15
                              one has to wonder if the husband would have spent the money on something like a new riding mower or something if the wife would have been so eager to pay for half of that??

                              Comment

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