Bedtime Issues

[Berner_Faith]

For the past couple time we have had bfs children, his S7 has been having issues at night. We have never had any issues with him sleeping at night. However we have made a few changes.

We used to live in an apartment, during that year, S7 had a small TV in his room, as we had no other location for it. He often watched a movie at night and then turned the movie off when it was done and fell asleep. We bought a house and since the start of June, we have lived in the new house. The house we bought has a room that we consider their play room. All their toys are in that room, including their TV... the reason we decided it was best to put the TV in the play room was because D3 was getting upset that S7 was allowed to watch movies at night, but she wasn't as she did not have a TV in her room.

The first weekend they were with us, S7 had no issues going to bed without a movie, both nights... the next time, he asked to watch a movie, he was told we would watch one on the family TV before bed (which we did and then he fell asleep in his own bed)... the third weekend they were with us, he had a major freak out about not being able to watch a movie, then it turned into the birds outside were keeping him awake, then he said he just didn't like his bed, after about 4 times of him coming to complain and being sent back to his room, he finally fell asleep.

Last night we received a call from S7, freaking out that he wouldn't get "cuddle time" at night when he is at Dad's... bf spoke to stbx about the issue and it came out that for the past year she has been laying with S7 while he falls asleep. Obviously, we are not against cuddling with the children and do so while we watch our nightly movies. Dad feels there is no reason either him or I should have to lay with S7 each night for him to go to sleep. He is able to go to sleep overs, where we are sure parents friends don't lay with him to fall asleep. However, Mom said last night that Dad MUST lay with him as it is when he is most comfortable. She also said that if this does not happen, she will speak to her lawyer about it.

Legally there is nothing she can do, different houses, different parenting styles, but we would like to help S7 through this, but laying with him every night is just not an option (bed too small) and we don't feel he needs to watch a movie every night. This could be a case of S7 trying to get his way with the TV thing, however, the TV will stay in the play room where both kids have access to this.

Any advice on how to work with S7, as well as the ex?

[blinkandimgone]

I would consider writing out the bedtime routine, WITH the kidlet so he has a hand in helping to design the routine and give a few different options for him to choose from so he feels he has some control over the routine. Perhaps reading time, drawing time or some other quiet wind-down activity that he enjoys.

As for the ex, I would politely thank her for her suggestions and leave it at that while quietly enjoying the fact that she is making an idiot of herself.

[billm]

I like the 'wind down' idea. Book reading etc.

The main thing is to be consistent and firm - the child is not in charge and the mom is not in charge (though you should always consider what she says as she is co-parenting with you).

Call a lawyer because you are putting the child to bed wrong? - funny stuff that is

[Tayken]

Call a lawyer because you are putting the child to bed wrong? - funny stuff that is

Although "funny stuff", it is what defines "psychological abuse" and is often the prime example of a highly conflicted individual when they do this and make these kinds of threats.

I would recommend that the incident be documented and should the matter find its way into affidavit material before the courts sight it as being "psychologically abusive" conduct and a reflection of the other parent's inability to respect parental privacy.

In fact, I would even recommend being proactive and crafting a very well written response to the incident directly to the other parent's lawyer and raise the violation of parental privacy, a demonstration of the other parent's "controlling behaviour" and inability to respect the other parent's rules, parenting style etc...

Also, the threat of potential legal action is also abusive and you should note to the solicitor on the other side it is this very type of conflict that leads to affidavit materials filled with irrelevant material and recommend they provide their client with a copy of "Tug of War" or simply attach a copy of the book to the letter. If you do that make sure you directly reference the attached schedule. You can even sight from the book quotes where by Justice Brownstone identifies how the whole incident is irrelevant.

If you really want to make a statement, you can attach a copy of "It's All Your Fault" or "High Conflict People in Legal Disputes" to the letter.

Should the other party even complain in affidavit materials about the letter it would make them look incredibly stupid to a judge. Especially if you leverage direct quotes from the materials.

A good lawyer will advise their client properly and tell them to stop this kind of stupidity. A "negative advocate solicitor" will disregard the material, take offense to what is written and go on attack mode. When they do this... You
simply quote Eddy back at them from "Splitting"... There is a really great chapter in that book on "negative advocate solicitors". Generally, best written as a strongly worded response sighting the Law Society Act and Eddy in combination.

I am coming to the conclusion that the only way to end the stupidity of Family Law is to bring forward the materials and evidence that you are aware of bad conduct (both by the solicitor and litigant) right away. The 80$ in books attached to a letter can save you 10's of thousands in legal fees and countless lost hours (even days) before the court.

Let them file the "education lesson" and the attached materials into the continuing record and demonstrate to the court that they operate on "jackassedness" high conflict patterns of behaviour.

Good Luck!
Tayken