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  • Here we Go

    As many of you know, I currently have supervised access to my daughter. I recently finished with an OCL investigation and the OCL recommended that visits with my daughter now take place in my home supervised by parents for a period of 3 months. If all goes well in the 3 months then I move to unsupervised EOW and half of holidays.

    My ex, to my stunning surpirse, actually agreed to the home visits for 3 months. I saw my daughter today in my ex's house (she cancelled the visit at the Access Center and gave me a makeup today in the home).

    The moment I walked in the door, my daughter did something I've never seen before. She appeared extremely stressed (sweating and panting) and the first words out of her mouth were "I don't want to go to your house." I said "why not?" and she said "because I just don't want to go." She then grabbed me and hugged me and made me pick her up and she rested her head on my shoulder. She said "can we just go downstairs and play?" She was extremely sad.

    I didn't want to push her at this point so we just sat on the couch and watched tv for a while until she felt better. She went upstairs to get some paint (where her mother was) and came back down and again she says "Daddy I don't want to go to your home on Sunday okay?" I said "tell me why and maybe I can help...you always asked before if you can come to my house and we couldn't go...now that we can finally go how come you don't wanna?" She said: "mmmmmmm coz.....I'm afraid of your dogs." I said "who told you I have dogs?" "Mommy told me."

    This is unbelievable. I never thought my ex would do this. For God's sake these are just visits. I know this is my ex's doing. We're talking about a kid who is always happy to see me, who has so much fun with me when we're together and has asked me countless times if she could come to my home.

    Any advice? I was thinking since the OCL investigator has not finalized his Report yet, maybe I should call him and tell him what happened and maybe he can re-interview my child and see if this is something her mother is putting her up to.

  • #2
    Keep a diary and carefully record these conversations. If you see a pattern developing then contact the OCL investigator. Keep cool. Enjoy time with your daughter.

    Comment


    • #3
      I realize this is hugely frustrating for you you. Stay the course, see your daughter where she is most comfortable for now. Maybe see if you can take her to a park near your place so you can show her what the neighbourhood looks like, or take for a drive around your area. Bring one of the dogs to one of the visits (but have a back up plan if there is a problem). Maybe you could say that you'll keep the dogs outside or in the garage for the first few visits. There are a lot of ways to address this if your daughter has a genuine fear of dogs (quite common fear in young children).

      If it is your ex's influence there are ways to deal with that as well.

      I agree with arabian that you should keep a diary not just of your conversations with your daughter, but also your ex. If your ex is coaching her, or putting her ideas in her head they will start to use very similar language when describing events, and could be evidence of parental alienation.

      When you get the report it should have a synopsis of what the investigator and your daughter spoke about. If she had any reservations then it would most definitely in the report.

      There are ways to counteract parental alienation, but you have to be careful.

      Comment


      • #4
        Don't get discouraged. You've come such a long way. Are these big dogs? Just curious. I think you should just offer assurances that your dogs are nice dogs and that you would never, ever let her come to any harm from ANY dog, or anybody. It might be jumping the gun to call OCL (although others can answer you better on that). It could easily be chalked up to a transitional reaction and even if your ex hasn't actually "coached" her on this - she's bound to have been acting different since this recent decision came down in your favor. Your daughter will be feeling that big time, even if the ex is trying to put on a brave face.

        In all of this, always try to put yourself in another person's position. It's a big change for everyone. See this as a transition, document and keep your chin up. Your ex has lost a degree of control over things and as you know and have stated, she is a good mom and she's got her child's interests at heart. You can't be crucified over and over again for the choices you made in the past, but it's going to take time for everyone to see that you are in this for the long haul and that your daughter (and being free of drugs) is your #1 priority.

        As always, I wish you luck and enjoy every minute with your daughter.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Access Dad View Post
          As many of you know, I currently have supervised access to my daughter. I recently finished with an OCL investigation and the OCL recommended that visits with my daughter now take place in my home supervised by parents for a period of 3 months. If all goes well in the 3 months then I move to unsupervised EOW and half of holidays.

          My ex, to my stunning surpirse, actually agreed to the home visits for 3 months. I saw my daughter today in my ex's house (she cancelled the visit at the Access Center and gave me a makeup today in the home).

          The moment I walked in the door, my daughter did something I've never seen before. She appeared extremely stressed (sweating and panting) and the first words out of her mouth were "I don't want to go to your house." I said "why not?" and she said "because I just don't want to go." She then grabbed me and hugged me and made me pick her up and she rested her head on my shoulder. She said "can we just go downstairs and play?" She was extremely sad.

          I didn't want to push her at this point so we just sat on the couch and watched tv for a while until she felt better. She went upstairs to get some paint (where her mother was) and came back down and again she says "Daddy I don't want to go to your home on Sunday okay?" I said "tell me why and maybe I can help...you always asked before if you can come to my house and we couldn't go...now that we can finally go how come you don't wanna?" She said: "mmmmmmm coz.....I'm afraid of your dogs." I said "who told you I have dogs?" "Mommy told me."

          This is unbelievable. I never thought my ex would do this. For God's sake these are just visits. I know this is my ex's doing. We're talking about a kid who is always happy to see me, who has so much fun with me when we're together and has asked me countless times if she could come to my home.

          Any advice? I was thinking since the OCL investigator has not finalized his Report yet, maybe I should call him and tell him what happened and maybe he can re-interview my child and see if this is something her mother is putting her up to.
          Get rid of the dogs. (Just for the access visits.) Tell your daughter that they won't be there. Find someone to watch the dogs. You can slowly introduce the dogs into her life and she can form a relationship with them.

          Comment


          • #6
            I'm not sure he actually HAS dogs, he simply said mom told kidlet that he had dogs and scared the child.

            AccessDad - do you actually HAVE dogs or was mom pulling this out of her ass?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
              I'm not sure he actually HAS dogs, he simply said mom told kidlet that he had dogs and scared the child.

              AccessDad - do you actually HAVE dogs or was mom pulling this out of her ass?
              I hope he has dogs and the other parent is not doing as you suggested.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                I'm not sure he actually HAS dogs, he simply said mom told kidlet that he had dogs and scared the child.

                AccessDad - do you actually HAVE dogs or was mom pulling this out of her ass?
                Yes I actually have two little yorkies. But the way my ex must have put it to my daughter was that they were really scary.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Well, we got the dogs thing sorted out. I'm taking them to my sister's house for the first visit and thereafter I will slowly start introducing her to the dogs.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I'd be tempted to get her a couple of little stuffed yorkies for her visit so she could see what they looked like and get used to the idea!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      even better take a cell phone video of them being cute and fun and show them to your daughter.

                      Don't be surprised if it turns out there are 'more' things to be afraid of once its known the dogs won't be there.

                      Thats the way it goes in these situations....

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Aren't yorkies smaller than cats???? The cell phone video is a good idea.

                        Agree that there will be lots of other things she will be frightened of. Poor kid. Hate it when parents use kids as pawns.

                        Sounds like things are going well for you otherwise. Happy Canada Day!

                        Comment

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