Dad needs daughter

[caro46]

Hi,
I've been separated for almost 4 yrs and we've had ups and downs... I can deal with pretty much anything but don't mess with my kids mind tho! We have 3 daughters and my oldest has been living with me since last september due to some mental health issues that were worstened by her relationship with her dad and the other 2 still week on week off.
Lately my youngest has been getting anxious at bedtime and has asked to go back to her dad's, I agreed for the first couple of nights without too much questionning but on the third night I had to find out what was going on so I asked her to tell me why exactly she had to go to her dad's at bedtime. One of the reasons she gave me was that she felt bad for her dad that he was all alone. (he broke up with his girlfriend in the past weeks). That she wants to spend some alone time with her dad I can understand and accept but that she feels responsible to keep her dad company I have a hard time with... I don't think it should be a child's responsibility to help her dad feel better. As much as I am proud of her for her empathy!
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
I told her that, from now on she would have to plan ahead if she wanted to spend time with her dad during my time so I can plan and also talk to her about it b4 she just decides to go when bedtime arrives. Still not sure if it's the right thing to do tho and would appreciate input from others...

[Access Dad]

Hi,
I've been separated for almost 4 yrs and we've had ups and downs... I can deal with pretty much anything but don't mess with my kids mind tho! We have 3 daughters and my oldest has been living with me since last september due to some mental health issues that were worstened by her relationship with her dad and the other 2 still week on week off.
Lately my youngest has been getting anxious at bedtime and has asked to go back to her dad's, I agreed for the first couple of nights without too much questionning but on the third night I had to find out what was going on so I asked her to tell me why exactly she had to go to her dad's at bedtime. One of the reasons she gave me was that she felt bad for her dad that he was all alone. (he broke up with his girlfriend in the past weeks). That she wants to spend some alone time with her dad I can understand and accept but that she feels responsible to keep her dad company I have a hard time with... I don't think it should be a child's responsibility to help her dad feel better. As much as I am proud of her for her empathy!
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
I told her that, from now on she would have to plan ahead if she wanted to spend time with her dad during my time so I can plan and also talk to her about it b4 she just decides to go when bedtime arrives. Still not sure if it's the right thing to do tho and would appreciate input from others...

How is this "messing with my kid's mind.."? The girl obviously loves her father and picks up on the fact that he's a bit lonely because he no longer has the woman he loved in his life.

Obviously, your daughter has to spend your scheduled time with you, but I don't get how you conclude that he's messing with her mind.

[hadenough]

I would be concerned too. Dad shouldn't be having that big of a pity-party happening that a child feels they need to keep him company. My son was 8 when "dad" laid out his (one of many) 'break-ups' for the child. Pretty pathetic. I thought - "doesn't he have any friends he can talk to?"

Great that the kids have empathy. But no child should be put into the position where they are feeling compelled to comfort the parent for a relationship gone south. I don't know the whole story - but it reminded me of the situation my ex was attempting to put our son in - and yeah - it was pathetic.

[Berner_Faith]

I am sorry, but I don't see where it is saying that the Father has been pressuring the child and telling the child he is lonely? You can't blame the father if their own child wants to comfort them... would there be an issue if you were upset and your child felt bad for you and wanted to spend extra time with you?

Before you go blaming the father and accusing him of playing with the child's head, maybe speak to him and find out if things have been said to a child. Children feel emotions just like everyone else. It is possible Dad is playing games, but until you know for sure you should speak to Dad. I think its great when children show their emotions and show they care. But thats just my opinion.

[Lorac]

How old is your daughter? You have 3 daughters and I'm sure all 3 have different personalities. I don't see anywhere in your post where you said that your ex is pressuring your daughter into feeling how she does. Empathy is a great quality, one I hope she never looses.

I agree with Faith. Talk to her father and feel out what the problem may be. It's possible your ex has said nothing to her but her own intuition has come into play. From the time children are born they learn quickly to observe and listen to us without our knowledge. Example a newborn/baby will quickly learn to understand your mood by the tone of your voice. You could be on the phone is one room and the baby in another, but because of the manner in which you speak ...quiet, loud, laughing, crying they will pick up on it and begin to associate it to your mood.

I guess what I'm trying say is sometimes "actions speak louder than words".

[caro46]

I have talked to dad and he does admit that he was caught being upset about the break up... What I said to him is that I would trust him to make sure he's in control of his feelings while with the children and if he's having too much of a hard time I would make myself available to take the girls. If I say "messing with the children's mind" it's because it happened before and I was actually blamed for letting the kids see him when he was unstable. He can be very stable for a few months and then things fall appart.

[Tayken]

Hi,
I've been separated for almost 4 yrs and we've had ups and downs... I can deal with pretty much anything but don't mess with my kids mind tho! We have 3 daughters and my oldest has been living with me since last september due to some mental health issues that were worstened by her relationship with her dad and the other 2 still week on week off.
Lately my youngest has been getting anxious at bedtime and has asked to go back to her dad's, I agreed for the first couple of nights without too much questionning but on the third night I had to find out what was going on so I asked her to tell me why exactly she had to go to her dad's at bedtime. One of the reasons she gave me was that she felt bad for her dad that he was all alone. (he broke up with his girlfriend in the past weeks). That she wants to spend some alone time with her dad I can understand and accept but that she feels responsible to keep her dad company I have a hard time with... I don't think it should be a child's responsibility to help her dad feel better. As much as I am proud of her for her empathy!
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
I told her that, from now on she would have to plan ahead if she wanted to spend time with her dad during my time so I can plan and also talk to her about it b4 she just decides to go when bedtime arrives. Still not sure if it's the right thing to do tho and would appreciate input from others...

Section 30 Custody and Access evaluation or OCL to determine your allegations of "alienating" behaviour by the other parent. You can't be the judge and jury on how your children "feel".

Rather than blaming why not work on the problem instead and everyone go to family counselling together?

You still are a family despite being separate and apart. Divorce doesn't change the fact that you are all still family. It just changes the fact that you and the other parent don't live together.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Clean]

Adult issues are adult issues. Children shouldn't be aware of them and our feelings should be sheltered from them. Really, divorce is traumatic enough for them. We need to be their rocks. I know it's hard, but still.

I would just talk to him about it. Be polite and just remind him that they are children and need to be shielded from this kind of stuff.

[Mess]

Nonsense. Children are perceptive and you can't hide things from them without being an emotional robot. There is no way to keep the fact that he broke up with his girlfriend from them, nor should he. If they knew her at all, if they ever met her, then they deserve to have at least a simple, basic explanation that the gf won't be around any more.

The father is obviously going to be sad for a while, if it goes on too long or is too deep, he should check in with his doctor. But he is a real person and his children are going to know him as a real person, not as a mannequin.

There's nothing wrong with the child knowing and feeling empathy. Exactly how is this causing harm? Yes, there is a point where it can drag on too long, but who's decision is that?

When my mother died a couple of years ago, I was sad then, and my children were too, and we shared it. Was I having a "pity party"? How is a situation like a breakup any worse? How is it hurting the children exactly?

The negative comments here smack more of control, hostility, and jealousy that a child might be feeling empathy for the ex. Not caro46 as much as some other surprising comments. Are we bound to 50s style parenting where we show no emotions or humanity to our kids so we remain absolute authorities or something?

[HammerDad]

I agree with Mess.

The kid is likely half observant and can probably tell dad isn't as cheerful as he used to be and that seems to go back to when his g/f broke up with him.

There is nothing wrong for a child showing empathy to their parent and wanting to support them. Further, it isn't really just the break-up that is the issue, it is the fact that the child knows dad is there by himself and she feels for him and wants to ensure he has some company.

Dad can reassure her he is fine and will have company etc. But that may or may not change the fact that children by nature are emotional and compassionate. We wouldn't want to change that either would we?

[Berner_Faith]

Nonsense. Children are perceptive and you can't hide things from them without being an emotional robot. There is no way to keep the fact that he broke up with his girlfriend from them, nor should he. If they knew her at all, if they ever met her, then they deserve to have at least a simple, basic explanation that the gf won't be around any more.

I agree her...when my bfs ex broke up with her boyfriend, she told us she was not telling the kids...about a month later when we picked up the kids they were in tears and they told us that they were VERY mad at Mom for not telling them about breaking up with G because they were expecting to go to his house for the monthly sleep over.

Kids who are involved with another adult, deserve to know when things end... because their feelings need to be taken into consideration also.

[hadenough]

No one said that children don't feel empathy - I should hope so, and I certainly did not suggest that parents should be like "robots" and not share some info. IE: if the kids knew the gf, etc. Sure, they have a right to know as potentially it affects them too if they will no longer be seeing someone. Kids are very perceptive. That is a given.

The OP presented the info in terms of the child being anxious right before bedtime and pretty insistent on going to Dad b/c she worried that he was "alone." Sure that's very sweet of her to be concerned but it sounded more like high anxiety. I've ended one or 2 relationships. I of course tell my child (it's pretty obvious) but I would not want my son to feel that he couldn't go see friends or be at his dad's without feeling compelled to run back to me to (presumably) make sure I'm "ok." I think that's a bit heavy.

Fact is, we heard a small portion of the situation. Mom (OP) knows her kid(s) best, and her EX. As always, communication is the key - encouraging the child to speak freely and openly about this or any matter.

[plky]

The OP presented the info in terms of the child being anxious right before bedtime and pretty insistent on going to Dad b/c she worried that he was "alone." Sure that's very sweet of her to be concerned but it sounded more like high anxiety.

^^^^

The issue here is the child's reaction. IMO, both of her parents need to help her understand that it is OK for her Dad to feel sad, and it is not her responsibility to take care of his feelings.

[hadenough]

HD; yes, kids are and should be compassionate. Compassion shapes them into the adults they will one day become. We don't know what was said to the child in OP. It may be a little, it may be a lot. I personally was pretty floored by the play by play my son (at the age of 8,) gave me re: one of his dad's breakups. It included way too much detail and even derogatory names that ex referred to the woman as. And then there was another: more blah blah blah. In the case of my X, these were not long-standing serious relationships. The OP did not include what the children's relationship to their dad's gf consisted of.

@Mess: Mourning the death of a parent/family member or close friend is certainly not a pity party. It's mourning a great loss. A natural, healthy response for all those affected by that loss.

My ex is re-married with a full house. I'm single at the moment and that means I'm home "alone" sometimes too. My child is very compassionate to others, adults/kids, loves animals etc. He does not worry about me being single or home alone, and there's no reason why he should. We have a great time together, and with friends - and when he goes to Dad's, he enjoys his time there w/step-siblings. *If* I was upset over a break-up, I imagine my son would "feel" for me - but not to the point where it caused him anxiety.

[hadenough]

plky ^^ Bingo!