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Spousal Support - Why It Matters

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  • #31
    Still afraid to fight this....

    I feel choked up reading this entry. After 17 years of marriage, the last year both of us struggling, in counselling etc. my husband reconnected with an old flame & we were done. I had been a stay-at-home mom. had given up two permanent jobs early in our marriage as it wasnt' working for both of us to work & was very stressful on my husband. I was, however, happy to be at home and always had jobs on the side to make extra money - fitness instructor, supply teacher, swimming instructor, selling exercise clothes - stuff like that. To this day I am still trying to rationalize to myself why I need spousal support. Long story short, at 42 I had 5 job interviews, was turned down, decided to go back to school, moved away to do so, ex-husband lost job, gave up support while he was unemployed, he remarried, I remarried and now he says he's not going to pay anymore. My combined income with my new husband is HALF of what my ex made just on unemployment. He has a new higher paying job. I'm still only asking for 10% of his former gross income per year as spousal support. He pays child support & helps our son with college loan payments, but he doesnt' get it why he needs to pay spousal support & I suppose he never will. My problem is not wanting to stir things up - our relationship is good - between new spouses, with kids. I feel stuck - can't continue schooling, therefore higher paying job not going to happen, therefore income no increasing therefore need support etc. etc. etc. I need some suggestions/support in this.


    • #32
      I'd contact a lawyer . A lawyer will tell you what you are entitled to . Show this info to your ex & explain you only want a portion of this amount . This will show compromise & hopefully the ex will see that he better pay something or get nailed by lawyers.


      • #33

        Thanks for the suggestion. I guess the thing is I've spoken with a lawyer and have been reassured that I'm not being unreasonable but am still feeling yucky about the whole thing. Why do I have to beg? I wish I were in a position to say "do what you think is right" and live with that.
        ps. nice name


        • #34
          The need to chime in..

          I have looked after my kids since they were born. When their mother an I were married, we shared responsbilities when her "fibromyalgia" was'nt acting up.

          Since the seperation I have looked after my kids 4 nights a week, since they were 3.5, 2, and 3 months.. I have sacrificed a lot for my kids.. The worst thing for me is that my daughters primary female role model earns a living by stealing money from her kids and former spouse.

          And I would not for one second think it is the kids mom's responsibility to support me. The choices I made are my own responsbility, even if I made them in the context of being married to her.

          Pretending that being a stay at home mom with three kids in school is anywhere near as much work as staying at home with three kids at home is just silly. All those years that you watched soaps for three hours a day while the kids were at school are hardly some form of economic oppression.

          A couple of years of spousal support to get someone who stayed at home on their feet is one thing. All of these sob stories about why you needed to stay at home for 17 years makes me want to be ill.

          Take some responsibility for yourself, stop robbing your former spouse.

          I am currently well past the two year mark paying spousal support (On top of child support) on a 4 year marriage, and my former spouse is currently inventing new reasons why I need to continue supporting her. Apparrently, her depression and fibromyalgia is never bad enough to affect her ability to parent the kids, however it prevents her from being able to work full time.

          Read the document on the attached link and try and disprove the hypothisis that CS contains SS anyway.


          • #35
            ? not sure how to respond

            I am not sure how to respond to your comment. I am sorry for your situation but please don't lump all "stay-at-home" mothers into one ugly steaming pile. I never watched "soaps" because we didn't have cable. I was my kids soccer coach for 10 years, swimming teacher, Sunday school teacher, dance instructor, babysitting course instructor and went on school outings etc. every chance I could. I made everything homemade. I taught my kids piano. I became a fitness instructor and all the things mentioned above to make extra money while still being available to our children. I'm not here to boost myself up - my husband and I made the choice for me to "stay home" because he didn't want to "co-parent." He found it too stressful. Upon separation I wanted equal time and no support. He didn't want that. He wanted one night a week as he was in a new relationship and needed to work to travel etc. These are choices he made. How wonderful that you want and have time with your children - I'm sure it's not easy as they are so young. I hope that you find some kind of support for your situation as it doesn't sound easy. Don't be a hero and try to do it on your own. Your kids will suffer. Take good care of yourself and your children.


            • #36
              What about love?

              When I got married, our vows were based on sharing love. My vows were not based on money. After I got married, I did not get much love. The only spousal support I wanted was love but I never got spousal support in marriage. However, now in divorce, I have to pay spousal support to a spouse who did not support me.

              It is pretty sad when everybody thinks spousal support in terms of money. It is quite pathetic actually.

              Anyway, there are some economic flaws in the opening post.
              Originally posted by Divorcemanagement View Post
              Reason prevailed and an agreement was reached. Dad was resentful of having to pay but realized that he had to pay lest he go to court and be forced to pay.

              Moral of the story - stay-at-home parents are undervalued in our society.
              I object. By your calculations, stay-at-home parents are overvalued by virtue of the fact that they are expected to be compensated equally to other jobs in the labor force.

              Reason does not seem to be prevailing. Nannies can get fired if they do a poor job or if they do not cooperate with their employers. That is not the case with a stay-at-home parent. It is exactly the opposite.

              Making an equivalency between a stay-at-home parent and the job of a nanny is not reasonable.

              Originally posted by Divorcemanagement View Post
              that they stayed home implies that it was consentual and as such, spousal support should be paid.
              It makes no sense to conclude that it was consensual by the very fact that you have to threaten a spouse in a court of law to accept it.

              If it was consensual, that means the father could have left the family high and dry long ago if he objected to the performance of the stay-at-home parent. However, that is not the case. If he left, the strong arm of the law is always threatening him to pay the wife according to some arbitrary calculations.

              To put it a different way, the decision of the working parent to accept the status quo for 5, 10, 15, 20, whatever years is made under duress because the wife can always threaten to extract alimony.


              • #37
                A lawyer will tell you what you are entitled to .
                When is one going to then be told what they are responsible to provide?
                But then I also find interesting the statistics in respect to custodial parents and working full time as opposed to part time....and which parent the single custodial father versus the single custodial mother is most likely to even be asking for child support....but then it is interesting to see the statistics on which parent is most likely to be working full time...and which custodial parent is most likely to be the part time worker....which then perhaps explains the suggestion of entitlement to spousal support!
                But then I was despite being the custodial parent the one who was required to pay spousal support....a lump sum payment to rid myself of ever having to be financially responsible for her ever again....
                But never was she held back due to the children...never was she disadvantaged from the children...but only her own lack of interest in working...lack of desire in paying her own way...but I was I started to earn more income...because i worked hard and did what was required to get ahead.
                Spousal support is the means and tool for many to make up the income they were unwilling or unable to earn themselves.
                When I first married my wife she was earning more than i .....but then as I did not settle down until my 30' income was erratic...and slow to build...once i started to earn a decent income it seems my wife felt she was entiltted to not work or stay at home.
                For that sense of entitlement...i was or could have been forever enslaved to paying for her decision or choice of not working.

                10 years of marriage was expensive.....and after I left without a investment I ever and clear of any further financial liability....lump sum loaders or dead beats are they not the same?
                And after 9++yrs of primary or full time custodial...i know the teachers...i did the driving and supported the children....and did the housework...the cooking and the required child caring duties...
                And along with those required chores...I earned the income that was required to pay for my choices...unlike those who feel entitled to holding out their hand saying they require someone else to pay for what they are not willing to pay for themselves...


                • #38
                  Were you drunk when you posted that?


                  • #39
                    Not at all...but like the last post...just this morning>>>.with a little more care and attention to the "arguement" it seems I get timed out and the post is I was rushed to get the posting in!

                    But why not actually say something concrete?


                    • #40
                      Use the "Preview Post" feature every few minutes and it won't time out.


                      • #41



                        • #42
                          I think it was well said Period!


                          • #43
                            Originally posted by mess View Post
                            use the "preview post" feature every few minutes and it won't time out.
                            Awesome ! ! ! !


                            • #44
                              I agree stay-at-home-parents are mostly undervalued by society. Those who have traditional paid employment away from home think stay-at-home-parents "slack off" and sit around all day watching soaps and yakking on the phone. Nothing could be further from the truth.
                              To add insult to injury, the work done at home without financial gain, doesn't qualify for pension income after retirement. So a woman (or a man, but most likely a woman) who has stayed at home 10+ years doesn't qualify to receive pension for those years. Once divorced, she's at an extra disadvantage when she retires. I realize there is pension sharing, which can help to some degree.
                              I did receive spousal support for a number of years after my ex and I separated. Did I spend the spousal support on myself? No, not really. It was spent on the children. Divorce is h**l on the child(ren) and I think people should NOT contemplate marriage if they have the attitude, "Well, if things don't work out, we'll get divorced." Never, ever enter into or contemplate marriage with an attitude like that, or if your future partner has that attitude.


                              • #45
                                By society, yes, they are undervalued. On a personal level, I know how much work it is. Staying home for a year with my much work! I was excited to get a "break" and return to work!


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