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  • Exchages problem. How to deal with such?

    Hello All,
    Here is problem on what I would really appreciated any help from outside

    We started overnights (Kid is 2y10m) about 4 month ago (when trial started). Everything was OK for some time. Than somewhere in a middle kid become upset during exchange... Crying, saying I do not want to go ... etc.

    He calming down thou very quickly (5-10 min top) after mom left. Nothing like that during time when he with me - just happy playful kid (most of the time).

    That was obvious for me and other people (co-worker) who sometime come with me to pick him up on my way from work that she doing it on purpose. Sometimes it’s so obvious.

    For example:
    He sees my car start jumping going towards door (hall with big windows in apartment building). She grab him (hug), say something and when I come to the door (30 sec) he is crying and upset...

    She also started to record it holding voice recorder in her hand just infront of me and little one. Sometime instead of just give little one, say bye and go she stay with her voice recorder for some reason (recording probably) so I can not even calm him down there and than go to car...

    When trail finished I said to Mom to stop it before it's too late. And what a surprise problem disappeared for some time. I was hoping she realized that there is no reason to do it anymore (or scared that she probably lost custody and may loose even more if continue to do what she was doing for last 2 years) and stopped...

    Now it came back again...

    Even knowing that he calming really fast and everything fine after it still breaking my heart to see it and really upset me...

    So question is how to explained to Mom (I tried number of times) that this is just plain wrong and stupid thing to do? Or if let's assume she is not doing anything on purpose (what is very unlikely and I do not believe in coincidences) what to do so kid will not be upset?

    Or if it impossible to explain to person who doing it so she will stop what to do to make her stop?

    As I said mom reading forum too. So I hope she will read this and stop doing that ... This just wrong thing to do to the child ….

    Thank you

  • #2
    It is a stage, and he will get over it. Mine did the same. She would fuss and pout and be clingy when mom was there, but 2 minutes down the road she is giggles and happy. I figured it out after a while that it was an act that she put on to prove to her mom that she was being loyal to her. Mom may or may not have promoted such a reaction, and definitely didn't do much to solve the problem by coddling them and going all gaga....but it is just a faze.

    Your best to just stay consistant with your boy. Pick him up and reassure him. It will pass and he will know that this is just the way things are.

    As for your ex, don't focus on her. Focus on your son and reassure him. Once she starts seeing you as a caring parent as well, it may melt some of the frost off her ass.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by WorkingDAD View Post
      Hello All,
      Here is problem on what I would really appreciated any help from outside

      We started overnights (Kid is 2y10m) about 4 month ago (when trial started). Everything was OK for some time. Than somewhere in a middle kid become upset during exchange... Crying, saying I do not want to go ... etc.

      He calming down thou very quickly (5-10 min top) after mom left. Nothing like that during time when he with me - just happy playful kid (most of the time).

      That was obvious for me and other people (co-worker) who sometime come with me to pick him up on my way from work that she doing it on purpose. Sometimes it’s so obvious.

      For example:
      He sees my car start jumping going towards door (hall with big windows in apartment building). She grab him (hug), say something and when I come to the door (30 sec) he is crying and upset...

      She also started to record it holding voice recorder in her hand just infront of me and little one. Sometime instead of just give little one, say bye and go she stay with her voice recorder for some reason (recording probably) so I can not even calm him down there and than go to car...

      When trail finished I said to Mom to stop it before it's too late. And what a surprise problem disappeared for some time. I was hoping she realized that there is no reason to do it anymore (or scared that she probably lost custody and may loose even more if continue to do what she was doing for last 2 years) and stopped...

      Now it came back again...

      Even knowing that he calming really fast and everything fine after it still breaking my heart to see it and really upset me...

      So question is how to explained to Mom (I tried number of times) that this is just plain wrong and stupid thing to do? Or if let's assume she is not doing anything on purpose (what is very unlikely and I do not believe in coincidences) what to do so kid will not be upset?

      Or if it impossible to explain to person who doing it so she will stop what to do to make her stop?

      As I said mom reading forum too. So I hope she will read this and stop doing that ... This just wrong thing to do to the child ….

      Thank you
      It won't stop. It is just a phase of transition. Children adjust to change and so will yours. I wouldn't fret about it. The best thing to do is to not do anything that will upset the child when you return her.

      Exchanges in situations like this should be band-aid approached. You could address it in a letter with some suggestions that the emotional displays could potentially be upsetting her. Both parents should be acting like they want their child to spend time with the other parent. Often times in the heat of a divorce this is hard to do for very emotionally charged people. (Emotional Thinkers)

      For some parents, they actually want their children to miss them, cry and throw temper tantrums. But, Justice Quinn addressed this by stating that just like doctors, school, etc... a child who doesn't want to go on an exchange shall go. (You can find it in CanLII.)

      Many parents attempt to use this kind of situation against the other parent. Just provide back Justice Quinn's decision which is used all the time in these situations. It is not speration anxiety but, just an adjustment to change. The one things Children are VERY GOOD AT is adjusting to change. Look at when they go to school, each year they have a new teacher, new rules... Sports teams, different coaches, different rules all the time.

      Generally when this happens it only demonstrates that the parent instigating this is not adaptable to change and demonstrates they are the true controlling parent.

      It takes a very emotionally mature person to be able to exchange children without acting like it is the last time they are going to see their children. It simply isn't going to be the last time. Parental anxiety is the source, not the child's anxiety. If your child is going back happy to see the other parent, that is a good sign of a GOOD parent!

      Good Luck!
      Tayken

      Comment


      • #4
        My 4 year old routinely cries or pouts when I bring him back to his mom. I don't think much about it. It's late, usually his bed time, he's tired.

        Of course he never used to do this until she had CAS cut off my access for a month straight (CAS closed the file, nothing to find)... if my ex wife ever has anything to say about it, I will put the blame squarely on her for hurting him this way.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
          It is a stage, and he will get over it. Mine did the same. She would fuss and pout and be clingy when mom was there, but 2 minutes down the road she is giggles and happy. I figured it out after a while that it was an act that she put on to prove to her mom that she was being loyal to her. Mom may or may not have promoted such a reaction, and definitely didn't do much to solve the problem by coddling them and going all gaga....but it is just a faze.
          that quite the same what I have ...

          Your best to just stay consistant with your boy. Pick him up and reassure him. It will pass and he will know that this is just the way things are.
          As for your ex, don't focus on her. Focus on your son and reassure him. Once she starts seeing you as a caring parent as well, it may melt some of the frost off her ass.
          I do not focus on her. Most of the times I do not even look at her. May be that what make her upset ? ))

          As for "seeing you as a caring parent" I think she will never accept that. Our mom that kind of person who think that she is way better by default. she quite often refer to herself as Mother (Capital M) or MOTHER. She knows better and so on... She just forgot that when little one came home she was even afraid to bath him and cut his nails - so I have to do it ... did it make me better ? I would not say that... she just not capable to see much bigger picture.. Saying that she done hardest part of raising kid (first 2 years) says a lot about regarding that...


          thank you for sharing HammerDad
          lets meet for another coffee? (may be when I get Judge ruling)

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Tayken View Post
            It won't stop. It is just a phase of transition. Children adjust to change and so will yours. I wouldn't fret about it. The best thing to do is to not do anything that will upset the child when you return her.

            Exchanges in situations like this should be band-aid approached. You could address it in a letter with some suggestions that the emotional displays could potentially be upsetting her. Both parents should be acting like they want their child to spend time with the other parent. Often times in the heat of a divorce this is hard to do for very emotionally charged people. (Emotional Thinkers)
            I tried and that what I do. I told her it should be happy to go to me and to come back (what he is). He just have to know that he has mom and dad and does not matter where he is he still have mom and dad...

            Couple of times he was crying and did not want to go back... Most likely just do not want to interact his play. That did not make me happy and I did not grab my camera and start recording it. Just calm him down and said: Hey we have to go. Let move all cars to garage and they will wait for you . I promise to you I will not play them without you ... that it. Worked like a charm.

            For some parents, they actually want their children to miss them, cry and throw temper tantrums. But, Justice Quinn addressed this by stating that just like doctors, school, etc... a child who doesn't want to go on an exchange shall go. (You can find it in CanLII.)
            I believe that one of the reasons. She just afraid that when he grow up he will not want to live with her... That why she worked so hard (and failed completely) to not let us created that bond.

            Many parents attempt to use this kind of situation against the other parent. Just provide back Justice Quinn's decision which is used all the time in these situations. It is not speration anxiety but, just an adjustment to change. The one things Children are VERY GOOD AT is adjusting to change. Look at when they go to school, each year they have a new teacher, new rules... Sports teams, different coaches, different rules all the time.

            Generally when this happens it only demonstrates that the parent instigating this is not adaptable to change and demonstrates they are the true controlling parent.
            You got it right on !!!

            It takes a very emotionally mature person to be able to exchange children without acting like it is the last time they are going to see their children. It simply isn't going to be the last time. Parental anxiety is the source, not the child's anxiety. If your child is going back happy to see the other parent, that is a good sign of a GOOD parent!

            Good Luck!
            Tayken
            I am not going to do it. It just wrong and I do not need it... He always happy when I bring him back. Mom probably think that because he do not want to stay with me and just wait that moment to come back... If that what she needs to think I do not care really. Well may be I would like her to think differently but nothing I can do about that...

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by WorkingDAD View Post
              Hello All,
              Here is problem on what I would really appreciated any help from outside

              We started overnights (Kid is 2y10m) about 4 month ago (when trial started). Everything was OK for some time. Than somewhere in a middle kid become upset during exchange... Crying, saying I do not want to go ... etc.

              He calming down thou very quickly (5-10 min top) after mom left. Nothing like that during time when he with me - just happy playful kid (most of the time).

              That was obvious for me and other people (co-worker) who sometime come with me to pick him up on my way from work that she doing it on purpose. Sometimes it’s so obvious.

              For example:
              He sees my car start jumping going towards door (hall with big windows in apartment building). She grab him (hug), say something and when I come to the door (30 sec) he is crying and upset...

              She also started to record it holding voice recorder in her hand just infront of me and little one. Sometime instead of just give little one, say bye and go she stay with her voice recorder for some reason (recording probably) so I can not even calm him down there and than go to car...

              When trail finished I said to Mom to stop it before it's too late. And what a surprise problem disappeared for some time. I was hoping she realized that there is no reason to do it anymore (or scared that she probably lost custody and may loose even more if continue to do what she was doing for last 2 years) and stopped...

              Now it came back again...

              Even knowing that he calming really fast and everything fine after it still breaking my heart to see it and really upset me...

              So question is how to explained to Mom (I tried number of times) that this is just plain wrong and stupid thing to do? Or if let's assume she is not doing anything on purpose (what is very unlikely and I do not believe in coincidences) what to do so kid will not be upset?

              Or if it impossible to explain to person who doing it so she will stop what to do to make her stop?

              As I said mom reading forum too. So I hope she will read this and stop doing that ... This just wrong thing to do to the child ….

              Thank you

              1. Why do you think she is doing something? Kid is in such age, that it is hard for him *to do something* to make him act , like you describing. Kid maybe feeling something, this court took all your time that supposed to be *HIS* time with you. Same with mom's time. Kid simply might miss you and mom as well. He also may feel frost and negative reaction between two of you.

              2. New regime, kid gets older, starts understand something- it is just transition or face. Try not to show that your fear this or that you upset. Try to be cheerful and playful, take his attention to something he loves. Like look here is a doggy. Or you know, that little car at home is waiting for you. You will see mom in couple of days, you will be back... Just little examples.

              3. To the mom. I think your wrong. She might feel as horrible as you . To that recorder, did she used before incidents? Even if not, I would not pay attention to that. It is not proving anything, but fussing child (and they do fuzz, not big deal). I understand your disturbance by this, but try minimum contact with her, and if you do contact, try to be short and civil and wormer, so child will see, that you not steeling him from mom or you not eval at all.

              cheers

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Storm View Post
                1. Why do you think she is doing something? Kid is in such age, that it is hard for him *to do something* to make him act , like you describing. Kid maybe feeling something, this court took all your time that supposed to be *HIS* time with you. Same with mom's time. Kid simply might miss you and mom as well. He also may feel frost and negative reaction between two of you.
                mom took all time not court. Mom went to court with bunch o lies and just took 2 years of life of Dad and kid

                3. To the mom. I think your wrong. She might feel as horrible as you . To that recorder, did she used before incidents? Even if not, I would not pay attention to that. It is not proving anything, but fussing child (and they do fuzz, not big deal). I understand your disturbance by this, but try minimum contact with her, and if you do contact, try to be short and civil and wormer, so child will see, that you not steeling him from mom or you not eval at all.

                cheers
                I think you have no idea what you are talking about or on other side you know EXACTLY what you are talking about... If you know what I mean...

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by WorkingDAD View Post
                  mom took all time not court. Mom went to court with bunch o lies and just took 2 years of life of Dad and kid



                  I think you have no idea what you are talking about or on other side you know EXACTLY what you are talking about... If you know what I mean...




                  no, I don't... I was trying to help you, but you do not need it ,obiosly... Good luck then. Will stay out of it

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Storm View Post
                    no, I don't... I was trying to help you, but you do not need it ,obiosly... Good luck then. Will stay out of it
                    that would be very nice of you. But I do not think you can.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I thought this forum for advises and for people who need them, if you do not need it, why you ask people? *that would be very nice of you. But I do not think you can*. What that suppose to mean? Did I do something bad to you? You the one who *try to eat me* with your I would say rude comments.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by WorkingDAD View Post
                        that would be very nice of you. But I do not think you can.
                        you and storm know one another??

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I do not know himstanding on the sidelines ... I think he thinks he knows me ...

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Storm View Post
                            I thought this forum for advises and for people who need them, if you do not need it, why you ask people? *that would be very nice of you. But I do not think you can*. What that suppose to mean? Did I do something bad to you? You the one who *try to eat me* with your I would say rude comments.
                            so if I ask you do not answer or comment on any of my post or messages would you be able to do it ?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              sure .... as I said, I only tried to help, as you did ask for it

                              Comment

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