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  • changing visitation/custody arrangement

    My ex just emailed me last night telling me that he want's to change our 50/50 custody to week to week.
    It would still be 50/50 but right now I have them Monday and Tuesday and he has them Thursday and Friday and we flip weekends.

    It's been like this for almost 4 years. I've worked my work schedule around it..and arranged to share school pick ups on Monday and Tuesday with my son's friends mom.

    And now my ex has decided that he wants to go week to week and he's informed me that he's starting this next Friday whether I like it or not and it's his right to change it if he wants.

    ACK! I despise dealing with his bully tactics but does he have the right to change it.

    Oh, and the best part - his reason for wanting the change is that he may want to do stuff on a Wednesday or Thursday night once in a while

  • #2
    Originally posted by bookgirl1209 View Post
    My ex just emailed me last night telling me that he want's to change our 50/50 custody to week to week.
    It would still be 50/50 but right now I have them Monday and Tuesday and he has them Thursday and Friday and we flip weekends.

    It's been like this for almost 4 years. I've worked my work schedule around it..and arranged to share school pick ups on Monday and Tuesday with my son's friends mom.

    And now my ex has decided that he wants to go week to week and he's informed me that he's starting this next Friday whether I like it or not and it's his right to change it if he wants.

    ACK! I despise dealing with his bully tactics but does he have the right to change it.

    Oh, and the best part - his reason for wanting the change is that he may want to do stuff on a Wednesday or Thursday night once in a while
    Do you have a written agreement? Without a written agreement you can both do whatever you want really. Which means you can just say no and pick them up on your regularly scheduled day if you like.

    On the other hand, have you thought about the pros/cons of the new arrangement? Maybe tell him that you will consider the change but you need some time to look into to it as you will need to arrange pick ups, etc. It's completely unreasonable for him to expect you to change things immediately without consulting you, however, the change itself is not unreasonable.

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    • #3
      No...he can't just tell you the schedule is changing. You have to be in mutual agreement. I suggest you pull out your separation agreement. There is more than likely something in there to that effect.

      The first thing I'd suggest to him is switching the weekdays and keeping things as they are. If the kids aren't asking for the change I'd leave things as they are.

      With your schedule you can plan to do things yourself...ie: sign up for classes, take part in weekly sports yourself, etc.

      With a 7 day rotation you cannot do anything every other week. You may gently point that out to him. He'll only be able to something on a Wednesday or Thursday...every other week.

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      • #4
        I have looked at it.
        I work every Wednesday night til 8pm. I have had the pick up arrangement with a friend for over a year. I pick the boys up on Monday and she picks up on Tuesday when I work til 5 and can't.
        So now I'd have to come up with a whole new pick up deal since I cannot pick my son up on Tuesdays. (not to mention I'm leaving her high and dry on the Monday I wouldn't have kids)

        We have an agreement...that was never finalized. But in all four years worth of drafts the custody arrangement was never any different.

        And now because he wants some social time on his days I'm supposed to put my schedule into upheaval...that's bull. Why can't he just make arrangements for a night out like every freakin' other parent in the world does?

        I guess what I'm learning is that if one person wants to be a jerk and change things on his whim he can....
        I'm so tired of him making pronouncements and telling me the way things are gonna be.

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        • #5
          I have the same schedule as you do. I don't like week on/week off - a week without parenting/seeing my kids - no way.

          He is out of line to change it and to force it. It is clear that a change to something agreed, would require both parents to agree.

          As much as he says he can do what he wants, so can you. Obviously you don't want to involve the kids in your struggles, but he has no power over you.

          I would deny his request and play it hard - assuming of course that you really don't want week on/off and don't think it is good for the kids.

          Send him to this forum to set him straight - he is being an ass, plain and simple.

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          • #6
            I sent a quick email to my lawyer and she said the same thing...he has no right to just change things.
            My plan now is to talk to the kids and find out what THEY would prefer and then make my decision on what to do.

            Funny part...my lawyer said she felt bad that I still have to deal with him and she is almost wanting to send correspondence to his lawyer so she can deal with some other outstanding issues that I just let go so as to not rock the boat.

            So I will leave it up to the kids, instead of just telling them what's going to happen.

            Thanks for all the advice.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by bookgirl1209 View Post
              So I will leave it up to the kids, instead of just telling them what's going to happen.
              I would be very careful how you word your request to them. You are the adult making the decisions; you can let them know you value their opinion and will take it into account, but don't tell them the decision is theirs. It's too much responsibility to put on children, of any age. It's a lot of pressure for younger children, and older children will grab that inch of power and run for a mile. (just didn't sound right when I wrote that in metric first)

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              • #8
                So I did discuss this with my kids...in a way that led them to believe it didn't matter to me either way. They wanted to keep the schedule the same.

                So, I told my ex that I'd rather not change anything. He said he was just going to starting the next Friday. I said no. He didn't
                Then he sent an email saying that since I wouldn't agree to change the schedule from now on Fridays when the kids come to my house I would be responsible for getting them there. (For the last two years he has picked them up and delivered them to my house as I work til 6 on those Friday).

                So now I have to scramble and find a way to get the kids to my house...which I did. A recipricol agreement with another mom. No problem

                Now THIS Friday is a PD day, The other mom will obviously not be picking up her kid so she won't be picking up mine. I made arrangements for my sister to swing by his house and pick them up on her way home from work at 1:30pm.
                I gave him the choice of her picking them up at 1:30 or I could pick them up after work at 6.

                He say no. He says the schedule is I get them after school so I have to pick them up at 3...not 1:30, not 6pm...3.

                I cannot tell you how much I despise this tiny, tiny little man.

                I don't even know that I'm looking for advice...All I can do is go pick them up at 6 cause I'm working til then

                Oh, did I tell you the best part...he's not working at all...quit his third job in 9 months and just sits at home thinking up ways to screw with my life.

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                • #9
                  He sounds like my ex. I'm not sure, but re: your arrangement - wouldn't the "Status Quo" rule apply??

                  Comment

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