Am I Required To Switch?

[RAAAR]

Well, the ex is at it again. He emailed me today saying that he had plans during his weekend with the kids (Sept. 16th-18th) and I had the option of keeping them myself, or having him find a babysitter. (rights of first refusal) I am opting to keep them myself.

So then he starts talking about which weekend I'm going to switch. Uh.. what? Switch? I thought all I was doing was keeping the kids on a weekend that he couldn't see them.

I tell him that if he wants to switch, it has to be this weekend, as I have plans on the other available weekends. He states he has 'adult plans' this weekend, so it can't be this weekend.

I say ok.. well your options are to cancel your plans this weekend or cancel your plans next weekend. There are no other options.

He flips. Saying he's printing out our conversation to show the courts how uncooperative I am. Am I wrong in thinking that if he's made plans on his weekend with the kids it's not up to me to make up his weekend? It's up to him to either find a weekend that works with my plans, or cancel the plans he made?

[ddol1]

well this is about your kids - everything else comes second - they are not to be bartered or negotiated.

If he wishes you to keep the kids for his weekend - no obligation on your part to do anything but enjoy some extra time with your children. Over time you may find a valid reason for the return request and your ex will get the extra weekend. But this may never happen and there is no gaurantees. Take your children if he can't. Anything more is taking advantage of your willingness to take your kids - this time in a way you "win time". Enjoy!

[beebie]

Unless your Order says he gets compensatory time for weekends missed (and this is usually only on mutual agreement or unavoidable events or emergencies) , I would say ignore him (unless you want to be nice about it a few times on the grounds of' life happens').

Alternatively, get an Order that says weekends can be switched if the parties agree and in the event there is no mutual agreement, then the schedule shall apply as written.

Shoudn't he be scheduling dates around access not the only way round? Grrrr.

[billm]

You are fighting with each other for no benefit. From what you wrote, you are both being silly and childish and causing each other stress - smarten up!

If you have the kids for one of his weekends, even if it is because of his plans, then you should switch it back again.

Find a weekend that both works for you and switch it. Don't force him to switch a weekend that he has plans on and don't let him expect you to change your plans.

Talking about Court Orders, and if you're 'required' to switch is total insanity.

Your job is to work with each other, not against - keep it simple and be the bigger person or the acrimony between the two of you will continue which is not good for anyone in your family.

[formyGirls]

You are fighting with each other for no benefit. From what you wrote, you are both being silly and childish and causing each other stress - smarten up!

If you have the kids for one of his weekends, even if it is because of his plans, then you should switch it back again.

Find a weekend that both works for you and switch it. Don't force him to switch a weekend that he has plans on and don't let him expect you to change your plans.

Talking about Court Orders, and if you're 'required' to switch is total insanity.

Your job is to work with each other, not against - keep it simple and be the bigger person or the acrimony between the two of you will continue which is not good for anyone in your family.

Well put, billm !

If everyone is rigid and unflexing, you are setting yourselves up for a lifetime of struggles with the kids caught in the middle. Yes, what he is doing is not quite right, but he doesn't have the kids very much compared to you, so a little flexibility is truly in the best interests of the kids.

As long as he is not continually walking all over you, being flexible is in everyone's best interests.

[RAAAR]

I didn't realize I was being childish and unyielding by letting him know what weekends I do have free. The problem is that I schedule my weekends around my kids. If I have them, I plan kid-centric activities. If I don't have them, I plan accordingly. Therefore, any weekends he's demanding I switch with him I already have plans including the children.

Is it fair to ask me to shuffle my schedule around due to his poor planning and refusal to schedule his 'adult' activities on weekends where he doesn't have the kids? Guess not. Food for thought, guys. Thanks.

[formyGirls]

It sounds like you have every right to refuse to cooperate with your ex.

If you feel he is being a jerk, you feel even more vindicated in not trying to work something out.

The point that some here are trying to put across.... is that though it may be your right to do whatever you wish in this case, what would be best for the kids at the end of the day?

Yes, there is bad blood between you and your ex. We can tell that in a second from reading your first post. And honestly, from reading your posts in this thread, you need to step back and realize you are both at fault here for this issue to blow up like this. Both of you are lacking in post-separation communication skills.

Perhaps some of the replies have been a little harshly worded, but it is to make you stop and realize that neither you or your ex are thinking about your kids first. You may feel you are being attacked because we don't agree with you. Not necessarily the case. You're being attacked because you're treating your children's access as a commodity to be traded and negotiated, instead of a RIGHT that belongs to THEM.

You both owe it to your kids to figure this one out.

[formyGirls]

From Canlii:

CanLII - 1994 CanLII 244 (BC SC)


"As I indicated to the petitioner, the solicitor for the respondent, and the grandparents, and it bears repeating, that access and custody are rights of the children and are not rights of the parents. The interest of the court in these proceedings at this stage is the best interest of the children. Their best interest dictates that all concerned minimize the hassles, largely unnecessary in the court's view, on both parts, in connection with the exercise of access. The parties are ordered to cooperate with each other and to facilitate access in the best interest of the children."

[blinkandimgone]

I do believe that typically the parent who asks to switch loses the makeup time - if you guys can't work it out. No, you aren't expected to change all your weekends to accomodate his schedule. If he wants to be somewhere else other than with the kids on his weekends then it's his responsibility to make arrangements for their care. Hopefully he'd offer it to you first if you're available.

If you're always his back up plan then it's unlikely he'll ever get into the habit of better managing/scheduling his time.

So no, you're not obligated to switch weekends.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Anything more is taking advantage of your willingness to take your kids - this time in a way you "win time". Enjoy!

Custody access really isn't about "winning" ..its not about you either...its about the kids and the time that they need to spend with both parents to continue to maintain and develop their relationships with them. Your children have a right to have time with both parents.

Unless he's being completely uncooperative and unreasonable on your time, I would try to find days to switch that aren't inconvenient to you. He wants to see the kids, he's notifying you in advance...its not that big of a deal. If he has a date, then good for him for moving on. You can arrange a date on another weekend when he wants them.

Be thankful you've got an ex that wants to be with his children...that's a good thing for them. And in reality, its really all about their needs. You're not obligated to switch weekends, no matter what he prints out and threatens you with but why head down that road at all? Unless he gives you reason to be rigid...why do things that way? Ask yourself, is it in the best interest of you or the kids?

[Pursuinghappiness]

The problem is that I schedule my weekends around my kids. If I have them, I plan kid-centric activities. If I don't have them, I plan accordingly. Therefore, any weekends he's demanding I switch with him I already have plans including the children.

Is it fair to ask me to shuffle my schedule around due to his poor planning and refusal to schedule his 'adult' activities on weekends where he doesn't have the kids?

Unless you've bought tickets or made travel plans...seriously, big deal.

I change plans that I make every single day...the one constant in life is that things change. Roll with it.

I get the impression that there is an issue here with the fact that he made other plans (ie, a date) on the weekend....that's what divorced people do. Maybe schedule a time way off next month when you haven't detailed planned the entire weekend with them so that they can be with their dad. Again, this is about the kids.

[wretchedotis]

You are fighting with each other for no benefit. From what you wrote, you are both being silly and childish and causing each other stress - smarten up!

If you have the kids for one of his weekends, even if it is because of his plans, then you should switch it back again.

Find a weekend that both works for you and switch it. Don't force him to switch a weekend that he has plans on and don't let him expect you to change your plans.

Talking about Court Orders, and if you're 'required' to switch is total insanity.

Your job is to work with each other, not against - keep it simple and be the bigger person or the acrimony between the two of you will continue which is not good for anyone in your family.

BillM is right on the money.

I didn't realize I was being childish and unyielding by letting him know what weekends I do have free. The problem is that I schedule my weekends around my kids. If I have them, I plan kid-centric activities. If I don't have them, I plan accordingly. Therefore, any weekends he's demanding I switch with him I already have plans including the children.

Is it fair to ask me to shuffle my schedule around due to his poor planning and refusal to schedule his 'adult' activities on weekends where he doesn't have the kids? Guess not. Food for thought, guys. Thanks.

I understand how you feel - but you have offred him only one possible week-end as make up? There is NO possabiltiy of doing it next month, or sometime down the line?
This is what Bill meant by you are playing games being rigid, whatever. Surely you COULD find a week-end to switch?

Now having said that - you should bring up with your ex that there are two questions he can ask you in this situation. And it would be best to pick one when asking for you to watch the kids...
1) can we trade/switch days?
2) will you watch them instead of a baby-sitter? no trading of time involved.

Sounds like he asked you question 1, but worded it to sound like he was asking question 2.

You have no obligation to trade time, or watch the kids on his time. It is only for your and the kids benefit that you would.

If it were me - and my ex was making it so difficult, I would just say "no thanks - you figure it out on your own", or "we can switch days, but you won't get your days returned to you until (check your schedule) X number of weekends from now.

I understand you want to stand your ground and not get pushed around. But it sounds like you are enhancing chances for conflict but drawing such a line in the sand.

[cashcow4ex]

I am sorry but I dont agree with everyone here. Why should the OP change her plans, change the way she manages her life to suit a father that would rather get his rocks off than see the kids.

I understand it being about the kids and them seeing their father. However the reality is the father doesnt have his priorities straight and by the sounds of it never will. He is an adult thats quiet capable of planning his escapades on his off weekends. So why should the OP be the person to always alternate her plans to accomodate her ex's sexual urges?

To the OP: you keep on doing what your doing and thats raising your kids and enjoying every minute of it. Your not a babysitter thats been hired by your ex to fill in the gaps when he wants to have a little adult time. You gave him an option for a switchable weekend which didnt suit his royal highness and thats as far as you need to go in my opinion.

[Pursuinghappiness]

I think the assumption of a "date" was the OP's perception, however, who knows what the guy is doing on the weekend...and really, who cares? As I said, this isn't about the OP...its about the kids and their right to time with their father.

I'm not suggesting she should do it often...or if he's unreasonable to deal with, she should do it at all...but he wants to make an alteration in plans..if she's available and wants to watch the kids and can accommodate a later weekend so that she can have a "date" ...big deal. Is it really worth having a fit with a dad that clearly wants to spend time with the kids? Also its leverage she can use later when she might need to change plans. If he doesn't return the favour at a later time...then remind him and never do it again. But honestly change happens.

To me, there's enough conflict that happens as a result of real misunderstandings...why create them when its something manageable? Chill out, stop being so rigid, and use a little common sense.

[blinkandimgone]

I disagree entirely with the notion that she should cancel her plans because he fails to plan accordingly. She has clearly taken their schedule into consideration and made appropriate plans well ahead of time. The notion that, if he is in fact gonig on a date, she should be happy he is moving on and change her own plans - potentially her own already planned date - to accomodate is ludicrous.

It doesn't happen often, but I agree with Cashcow4ex.