Case of neglect

[pokeman]

judge pokeman would sentence the father to at least
2 weeks of the boy living with him to tend to the condition

maybe Canada needs a new way of looking at things ....

[mcdreamy]

^^ you had, overall, a great experience with your dad. One that should be continued, heck water doesn't make me melt, as i tell my dd when it is raining and she doesn't want to walk the dogs. I've also killed, plucked and gutted chickens, oh my, my dd would choke and require hospital access.oh the drama.

However, from the op's post, 2nd degree sunburn and blistering, if that is what their son suffered, is not quite a similar experience as black flies. So i get her concerns, they are valid. And to my knowledge, the only one here initiating disparaging comments or questioning the truth of her posts would be Gary.

I'm guessing? he's not having a good month. Frankly, when I read most posts here, I tend to take and read the op, from their side. Of course, in this situation we don't have the other side..but we don't have that in any other post, either, do we?

The quick jump on his part to UFO parts and using children as pawns is out of line.

[ddol1]

I would like to add something of a pesonal note - me as a boy of 12. This might add a little perspective on what it is like to be a normal boy at your son's age. I hope this does not offend - it is not my intention.

I was the kid camping for the 4 day trip in northern Quebec in mid July. My dad, the alcholic, my older brother of five years and his best friend. I was about your son's age and I was allowed to go only because my brother WAS there. So I was maybe 12, wanted to be there so bad and I learned for the first time officially that my persperation was and remains like the best bug attractant ever. I was eaten alive! Where was my Dad? - Offering me not much in the way of help but encouragement to stick it out the best I can and left it up to me if I was going to hide in a tent sweating or having the time of my life tagging along with my brother.

Came home Sunday evening. I was bitten everywhere, they pulled so many black flies, yellow jackets and the worst, horse flies the size of bumble bees out of my then longish 1970's hair. Bites - they couldn't believe how many - so many bites that bites were on top of bites! I remember this to even today, the count on my neck was stopped at 250 - my face had over a hundred - ears , nose everywhere! Yes mom freaked out, yes my brother and his friend helped me as much as they could but in jest they admitted I was indeed thier best bud - I was the best bug spray they ever used.... if I was around they weren't getting bothered one bit!

Why am i posting this? To be graphic? To be proud that I made it through the weekend - got to go fishing, canoeing, snorkling (must admit the huge blood suckers freaked me right out of the water! They were the one's as I remember 6 inches long and since my brother and his friend both had those scuba diving wet suits on they were safe - I was freash meat!) and it was the best weekend with the guys ever!!

So again did my mom freak out - yes she sure did! Was she right to do so Yes! Was dad yelled at Yes. The first thing the next morning i was at the doctor's and he couldn't believe it and when he asked me how come I let this happen to me - I still remember as it was yesterday, I said, "because for the first time I was one of the boys instead of a little kid. I tried the tent to keep from going crazy in the mid afternoon of the second day when they were the worst but then I was missing out on everything!!!! This was the best weekend I ever had!!" Then do to my undiscribable fear of needles I cried as he gave me two...... pills for 10 days and I remember this now almost what 35 years ago as the best "out with the boys roughing it weekend ever!"

I have to add one thing, when my mom yelled at my dad for not getting me out of there on the first day he said, "I asked him every day and each day he said NO!!!!" As I think Gary M said here, boys will be boys - let them! Did you ever ask your son if he wanted to come home early? Did you ask your son if he had a great time? Now the best thing mom can do is teach your boy how to take care of himself, to use that SPF60 that his sister was using and maybe this will not happen again - you will help him be smarter for the next time. Mom, you would then have done the best job you know how to and for that your son will be thankful that you are there for him even when he has not exactly done the brightest thing on earth!

[pokeman]

I can only draw on my experiences

if dad is so mean as to steal the childs mattress then he would be a total @ss and these kids wouldn't even want to see him


i am not getting that his kids are dreading seeing their father


i cant explain why dad had boys mattress, laying in cool ground might be nice but not rocks, i'd at least lay on the deflated mattress wouldnt you?

but dad cared enough to plan something kids really love

theres alot of emotion in the post and i am currently giving dad the benefit of the doubt he made a mistake

[Pursuinghappiness]

I think the point is that given the story is valid (although thats being argued on the thread)...the father had every opportunity in the world to tend to the burn and didn't.

I know that fathers can be nuturing but if you take this story at face-value...it didn't seem that that was what happened.

Is the point you're trying to make that all kids should be returned to their fathers when they do this kind of stuff? What if he accidently lets the kid play in traffic or lets him juggle chainsaws? I mean what exactly is your point? Do you also take this view if mother's do this kind of stuff?

Afterall, mothers can be nuturing too.

[gumby]

Gary M. I don't check people's other posts before replying - don't know what the op is like, where she come from, or whether she is telling the truth or not. You don't know that about anybody on this forum. You have to take things at face value, and in this case, I would say that if the counsellor deemed it enough to call cas it was pretty serious. What about the kids' rights here?
This is what happens outside of the world of divorce in a similar situation

YMCA issues apology over camper's sunburn - Brockville Recorder and Times - Ontario, CA

As you can see it is taken pretty seriously, whether you agree or not.

Now I don't know either what exactly the op is asking or why she is posting it. If I was concerned about my child I would do something about it, not ask for validation on the internet.
Pokeman I feel for your situation but not every dad is like you. Dad knew he had a sunburn, forced him to sleep on the ground so he could have the comfy bed, and basically called him a sissy when he complained. I wouldn't think he'd be much inclined to take care of him. Kudos to dads like you but not all dads are, just like some women are terrible mothers.

[pokeman]

I came to my conclusion reading the info available in this thread, send the boy to dad and let him tend to his son as dad made a mistake ...

Dads can be nurturing too ....

[Gary M]

This is an issue of a child being injured, being in pain

Is it? Do you believe everything you read? If so, I have some UFO parts I wanna sell you.

and it's not ok.

I agree: It's not OK to use a child as a pawn in a custody/mobility battle.

I am really shocked and dismayed at some of the responses here.

Perhaps you need to toughen up some, then, before the Big Bad World smacks you down.

To the op, don't post stuff like that here

I agree: Don't fish for ways to exploit your children here, when you're real agenda is something sinister - especially when you've disclosed that agenda in another thread.

some people see it as an opportunity to flame. You know what to do - now do it.

Heh... Flame? Oh dear....

Cheers!

Gary

[Pursuinghappiness]

think if dads were given more custody then we wouldnt make these type of mistakes;

instead we try to do the best we can for our kids in a short time period, i think this dad tried his best to take them on a fun trip and seeing the results wouldnt make the same mistake twice ...

i say let the boy live with his father

What?!? What on earth made you come to this conclusion?

Honestly, how ridiculous.

[gumby]

This is an issue of a child being injured, being in pain and it's not ok. I am really shocked and dismayed at some of the responses here . To the op, don't post stuff like that here - some people see it as an opportunity to flame. You know what to do - now do it.

[pokeman]

i think if dads were given more custody then we wouldnt make these type of mistakes;

instead we try to do the best we can for our kids in a short time period, i think this dad tried his best to take them on a fun trip and seeing the results wouldnt make the same mistake twice ...

i say let the boy live with his father

[Mess]

When ever I get sunburn, the blisters and peeling don't happen until a day after.

The story goes, the doctor prescibed antibiotic cream, so it must have been serious. No, the antibiotic cream was so that it didn't become serious. We go through tubes of Polysporin at our house like it was candy.

The ex sounds like my older brother. He babied his daughter her whole life and paid 100% for her university degree. He played tough guy with his son, never helped him with anything, because he believed that he had to teach him this "lesson" that no one will ever help you in life so you have to do it all yourself.

My niece has university degree and a professional career, travels the world and owns several properties and has a great family. My nephew has struggled all his life and is bitter about the difference in treatment.

I don't agree with my brother's parenting style or his gender prejudice, but I don't have any power over it. I've been supportive of my nephew and he remembers me on father's day and ignores my brother.

Is it abuse? That depends on your definition. We all get fucked up by our families, and being over protective and doting can fuck you up just as bad. We all end up needing therapy for some kind of shit we grew up with.

[NBDad]

A sunburn is not neglect. Not taking the kids to the dentist is not neglect. An ear infection is not neglect unless it's life threatening. Not following a doctor's instructions is not neglect (again, unless it places the child in immediate danger).

Poor choices? Poor decisions? Perhaps.

The child is 11, educate him on being responsible. Ensure he has his own sunscreen. It's like a couple of bucks for a tube of it. Go buy the kid some damn sunscreen and send it with him.

CAS is only able to intervene is cases of obvious neglect where the children's life is being placed at risk. It took my ex wife running out of oil (thus no hot water and no heat) in the middle of winter for them to finally get their act together. The conditions in her home were shocking to say the least. Garbage piled high, sharp knives floating about the living room table and floor, in easy reach of the 1 year old just learning to walk, etc.

So I've been down that road. And yes, as an extremely fair haired person myself, I remember getting burned, and burned and burned again while I was a child. Were my parent's neglectful? Nope. I was too busy having fun to go and remember to put sunscreen on. I got a sunburn ON TOP of blisters one time. You want to talk "suck", that's the definition of it.

Several of my children are also fair haired and fair skinned... Yes they burn. Yes it hurts. As a parent you take what precautions you can, but unless the kid is coming back every single time with some horrific injury, it's NOT neglect and CAS isn't going to care.

[Gary M]

I do not rush my kids to the doctor, as I've been accused of. I'm a fairly laid back parent. My older son was only 9 when the swimmer's ear situation occured, so that was seven years ago. I took my son the other day. Two visits in seven years, and suddenly my ex is tired of me running to the doctor? Please.

Two visits to the hospital in 7 years? Only TWO? And 12 calls to CAS? TWELVE? Please indeed...

It's telling that custody is at stake and you're still chirping about an alleged ear infection from SEVEN years ago. heh

Cheers!

Gary

[Nadia]

Sun burn unfortunately does not qualify as neglect.

However, I do understand why you might be upset about something that could have been prevented or could have been treated earlier. It must have been very upsetting to see your son in pain and distressed.

But, there is not much you can do but accept that there are parents who (1) parent differently (2) only do a half arse job of it (3) do a terrible job at parenting. Children often adapt to each given situation and somehow survive.

All you can do is to be the best parent YOU can be when the child is in your care.

If you continue to worry about what you can do to "protect" your son when he is with the other parent, you will run yourself into the ground. Encourage your son to empower himself to take better care of himself in absence of the fact that his father may not occasionally make the right decision.

My children are young (four and six) and the best thing I have ever done for them is to empower them to take care of themselves. There is so much for them to learn, but they are a lot more resiliant then I ever thought they would be.

I hope things get better for you.