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  • Case of neglect

    As some may remember, the OCL is currently assessing us for custody. CAS has been called a dozen times to report incidents of verbal and emotional abuse towards my son. There was one incident of physical abuse, but CAS decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

    He took my kids away last week for his holiday. They were camping at a Provincial park not very far from here. I spoke with the kids on their second day and my son told me quietly that he was sunburned. I told him I was sorry that happened and told him to make sure he had more sunscreen the next day. He and my daughter are very fair in complexion and I always use a 60 SPF on them. They've reddened slightly before, so I figured that was what happened.

    They came home five days later. My son was complaining his burn hurt, so I told him to take his shirt off and I'd put some aloe on it. When he removed his shirt, and I nearly cried. His shoulders were red as beets and there was blistering and grayish dead skin. I'm talking the entire surface of both shoulders. I've never seen a burn like this. I tried to put on aloe, but he began shaking and crying in pain. I had to tell him to lie on his stomach and put a fan on him.

    I asked him why he was so badly burned, when his sister didn't have even a tan. He said their dad gave them different sunscreens. He said hers had a number 50 on it, and his dad gave him one with a 15 on it and told him to put it on himself. Then, even with the bad burn, his father's air mattress had a leak, so he took my son's. So my son had to sleep on the hard ground, with a severe sunburn, and his sleeping bag was wet. When my son was trying to walk so his shirt wouldn't rub against his skin, his dad told him to "stop acting handicapped".

    I took my son to the clinic. The doctor on duty was shocked at how bad the burn was. She asked if his dad did anything about it, but he hadn't taken him to a doctor or gotten him any medication.

    She prescribed an antibiotic cream that is for the purpose of treating infected skin due to "serious burns". She also told me to get him Tylenol 1 for the pain at night. She also said for the rest of this summer and the entire summer next year, he has to wear the strongest SPF available, underneath those UV blocking shirts anytime he's in the sun or water. She said for the next year or so, he would be very sensitive to the sun.

    She also said to take photos and bring them to his regular doctor to be put in his file, which I did. My son's doctor also agreed that the treatment the first doctor prescribed was right.

    I am so upset. When his therapist spoke to my son, and he spoke to me about what happened (I showed him the photos), he asked if I wanted him to call CAS. I said no, because they won't do anything anyways. He thought about it and said he felt the need to call. He said he feels that given the history, he felt that this was a punishment towards my son.

    Is this not clear cut neglect? That burn was totally preventable, and when it did happen, my son deserved to receive medical care immediately...not a week later.

  • #2
    What exactly do you want? A witch hunt?

    Forward the doctor's comments and recommendations to your ex (as you should for ALL medical correspondence), and ask that he be more careful in future.

    That's it.

    Comment


    • #3
      Yes. A witch hunt. That's what I want. That would be so much better than having someone actually protect my son. I thank you for the suggestion.

      Oh, and not to worry. I always tell my ex whenever one of the kids is ill or if I've taken them to the doctor. It would be nice if he would do the same.

      Comment


      • #4
        In my experience with CAS, they do little in such cases. Long story I won't bore you with.
        The father needs to be made aware of the situation, forward him the doctors recommendation and ask him to be more careful. He probably did not realize how serious it was. Do you really think that he is doing this as a punishment?

        Comment


        • #5
          Yes, I really do and so does my son's therapist. This has been ongoing for over a year. Once my oldest son got an ear infection from being in the lake we were swimming in. My ex didn't want me bringing him to a clinic, because he had warned him to stop dunking his head underwater, so it was his own fault if he was in pain. I did end up bringing him in and he received antibiotics to treat swimmer's ear, which the doctor said was very, very painful. My ex was mad at my son all summer, for making him pay money for the medication.

          This was not an isolated incident. I guarantee you that if my ex or my daughter had received this severe a burn, he would have sought medical help.

          As for CAS, I agree they do little, which is why I told my son's therapist not to bother calling. I guess he felt he had a professional obligation to do so.

          I just don't get how people cannot understand why I want my children protected. All I'm asking, is for my son to be and feel safe when he's with his father. I think every child has this right. The child's well being should always trump a parent's rights. So no, I do not want a witch hunt. What I want, is for my kids to be safe. That's all.

          I should reiterate that I don't feel he had my son burn as punishment, but I do feel not seeking treatment was punishment. He probably warned my son not to sit on the shore or something, and is constantly telling him to stop being such a wimp.

          Comment


          • #6
            How old is your son?

            Comment


            • #7
              Keep records!

              As a parent who went through a 7 year custody battle, and involvement of CAS and the OCL, I know how they work, and don't work! Here is what I know.

              Since you are currently involved in a custody case and the involvement of the CAS (good luck to you on that one), it is imperative that you keep full and accurate records (report cards, letters of concern, pictures, Dr. reports, any other medical/dental records, record of appointments, etc) of involving the care or lack thereof, of your children...period. This covers, school, medical/dental, extracurricular activities, social activities, etc.

              In their investigations, any significant incidents or events involving the children in any of the above areas should be disclosed to the CAS during the investigation (usually in the form of one-several interviews with parents and children together and separately) by one or both of the parents, with supporting documentation to aid them in as their process for determination of custody. The more complete the records are, the easier the OCL's job is for assessing custody.

              As a courtesy, I would also give your ex a "heads up" of the medical care required for your son following his return to your house, for his unfortunate burn and lack of appropriate and prompt medical treatment.


              All the best to you and your son for his speedy and complete recovery.

              Cheers,

              Swimming with Sharks 2011

              Comment


              • #8
                "my" kids, "my" son

                "my" "my" "my"

                I'm getting a pretty clear picture now of what the real dynamics at play here are and I feel terrible for the children.

                Lady, the biggest thing you can do for your son's safety is to let him be a kid. OMG: A sunburn! OMG: an ear infection! Seriously? If you don't take your kid out of that bubble he will be sickly for the rest of his life. I betcha a billion bucks THAT is what pisses your ex off. Nothing like running to the hospitial every time someone has a runny nose or a scrape to put a strain on a marriage - AND what's left of our health care system.

                Here's a newsflash for you: Kids get colds. Kids get sunburns. Kids get bloody noses and skinned knees. It's NORMAL, and it's not abuse or neglect. Yeah, you can raise a kid in a rubber room and "protect" him from life.. for a while, anyway. And then one day you're not there and "life" smacks the poor bugger right in the face.

                Hell yeah, call CAS about the sunburn. Call 'em a dozen more times. Call the cops. Call 911. Call everybody. I'm certain that custody will be sorted out quite satisfactorily...

                Cheers!

                Gary

                Comment


                • #9
                  My son is eleven.

                  I have everything in order. I have therapists backing everything up. I have medical doctors backing everything up. I can sleep at night knowing I'm doing what I can to raise my children in a loving, nurturing environment.

                  Ear infections happen. Sunburns (sorry, but second degree burns should NOT happen these days) happen. Denying medical care to prove a point is disgusting and abusive.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    But can you prove in court, under the rules of evidence, that the ONLY explanation for these incidences is neglect, and NOT a different parenting style?

                    Maybe your ex wants your son to learn a little something from his OWN mistakes, take some ownership over his OWN decisions. That's a form of parenting, too. It is different than what you wish right now, I agree. But is it so different of what your ex would have done when you were together?

                    Sorry, but when I see a bunch of CAS reports mixed in with the OCL investigation, I start to question motives, too.

                    I know you want the best for your kids at the end of the day. Most of us do. But if you are looking for CAS or the OCL to back you up and tell you that your way is indeed the best, go ahead and call them and make another report. Otherwise, try communicating the health needs of your (meaning "jointly yours and his") kids, without the allegations and judgements. Put your kids before the fight.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      ProudMom:

                      I'm sorry for your son's burn but I have to agree that its probably not a CAS issue...there are just a lot of parents who use really bad judgements or even, as you stated, he might have some kind of built up resentment in your kids...it happens.

                      That being said, if your son is 11, I would take what precautions you can...ie, he's old enough to put on his own sunblock that you can provide to him...he's also old enough to learn how to unblock his ears (valsalva manuever), etc.

                      I know a lot of parents who just do really dumb stuff...ie, not properly treating broken bones, not knowing how to take care of a lice infestation, etc. They're not necessarily negligent...just a mix of lack of maturity, or knowledge, or practice.

                      I know its hard when your kid comes home in that condition, something similar happened to me once but it wasn't something to call in CAS for. I'd definitely write a letter since your son has longterm effects from this burn that he needs to take care of. But hopefully there's a chance that his father will improve in time if you don't give him bait?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Gary: These can be issues of neglect. I fully support the parenting style of learning from natural consequences. THis does not excuse any parent from getting medical attention when a minor needs it.

                        Ear infections and/or a burn this severe are very painful and often require narcotics to treat the pain level. THe injuries/infections momof 3 describes is much more than "a skinned knee".

                        I also think it is endearing when either parent calls the child "my son". My kids like it when I say, "my Andrew, or, my Alex". In no way am I implying anything negative or possessive.

                        As far as CAS goes, your therapist is obligated to report abuse. When your son does not receive medical care because his skin is falling off from a secondary infection , that is abuse.

                        I also have an ex who "is a real man" and thought the way boys should learn is through physical means and toughing it out. The name calling was apparently to make them strong....

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Gary M View Post
                          "my" kids, "my" son

                          "my" "my" "my"

                          I'm getting a pretty clear picture now of what the real dynamics at play here are and I feel terrible for the children.

                          Lady, the biggest thing you can do for your son's safety is to let him be a kid. OMG: A sunburn! OMG: an ear infection! Seriously? If you don't take your kid out of that bubble he will be sickly for the rest of his life. I betcha a billion bucks THAT is what pisses your ex off. Nothing like running to the hospitial every time someone has a runny nose or a scrape to put a strain on a marriage - AND what's left of our health care system.

                          Here's a newsflash for you: Kids get colds. Kids get sunburns. Kids get bloody noses and skinned knees. It's NORMAL, and it's not abuse or neglect. Yeah, you can raise a kid in a rubber room and "protect" him from life.. for a while, anyway. And then one day you're not there and "life" smacks the poor bugger right in the face.

                          Hell yeah, call CAS about the sunburn. Call 'em a dozen more times. Call the cops. Call 911. Call everybody. I'm certain that custody will be sorted out quite satisfactorily...

                          Cheers!

                          Gary
                          I do hope you can find some empathy for the 11 year old kid with sun burns. He blistered... ever blistered from the sun, Gary? Here's a newsflash for you: it's quite a lot more painful and damaging than a knee scrape or the common cold.

                          Cheers!


                          OP - I'm extremely fair, as is my dd. We apply SPF every day in the summer, and I have had it on her from the get-go (I've now convinced her teenage brain that she doesn't want to be an old shrivelled woman in her 60's, so she covers herself every morning).

                          I'd be teaching your son all about sunscreen, and sending his own 60 SPF marked bottle with him when he goes. He's old enough (and unfortunately he's had to learn a hard lesson), he will quickly learn to self apply. Show both kids how to help each other apply sunscreen.

                          I'd avoid the CAS, what is the point, how will it help the situation? I have to tell you, even my stbx wouldn't think of applying sunscreen to our dd.

                          Your poor kid - I feel sorry for him!
                          Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Thank you to those who show sympathy towards my son. He's a child, and spewing venom at me, has nothing to do with showing sympathy towards a child who is pain.

                            I think people misread. I did NOT call CAS. I prefer they not be involved anymore, because they are pretty useless. They only disrupt our lives, by making me pull the kids out of school for interviews, only to say there's nothing they can do. I have never called CAS. All these calls were made by professionals, who treat my children. If social workers feel the need to report these incidents, perhaps they see this as abuse as well.

                            I have my son put sunscreen on when he's here, but even adults can't do their backs and backs of shoulders on their own. My ex had his girlfriend do his back, and when we were married, he always had me do the same for him. So how can a child be expected to put in on properly.

                            I do not rush my kids to the doctor, as I've been accused of. I'm a fairly laid back parent. My older son was only 9 when the swimmer's ear situation occured, so that was seven years ago. I took my son the other day. Two visits in seven years, and suddenly my ex is tired of me running to the doctor? Please.

                            My kids are good kids. They do not complain about everything, so when they say they are in pain, I believe them. I will not apologize for making sure my kids get medical treatment when they are in need of it.

                            If a child is told to use two hands while pouring juice, they could refuse to listen. The juice spills everywhere, so you have the child clean up the mess. That is an appropriate consequence. Depriving a child of medical treatment when they have an infection, just to say "I told you so", is barbaric.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I will grant you it was poor judgement.
                              but you're barking up the wrong tree calling it 'neglect'.

                              The fact that you are so quick to point fingers tells me volumes about where you are emotionally concerning your ex. Just not willing to give up hating him yet, I guess?

                              Comment

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