General vent

[HammerDad]

Now she is inviting herself over to my house to "see how D6 lives" and she also told D6 in front of me to make sure "it is ok". I don't want her in here, my fiance hates her, so she refuses to have her over (it is her house).

So I guess I will have to send her an email Monday advising that she is not entitled to come in and we are not obligated to invite her. We have nothing to hide, we just don't need her coming through our house judging us and playing CAS worker in the mean time.

She's argued that I have saw her house, so she should get to see mine.....she must have forgot that I lived there for a bit......

[blinkandimgone]

Oy, HD she definitely has some control issues. She needs to recognize that you are a good and responsible parent and she has no business trying to patrol everything you do. I feel for you, not sure how you put up with the stress of all that.

[gumby]

Sounds to me like she is jealous because your daughter is having fun at the camper. Ignore it.
My ex does things with the kids that I know are mildly risky but I wouldn't make an issue of it because usually the kids are having a riot at said events.
Likewise I wouldn't want him going all PC on me for stuff we do when I am at our camper. If you're not in court I would put her on ignore and even if you are I think a judge would see her behaviour as controlling.
Summer is for fun, enjoy!

[LostFather]

OK, my ex is a CAS worker. As such, she pretty much see's the scum of the earth day in and day out (not saying everyone involved with CAS is scum, but when you hear about 7y/o's being molested and 2y/o's with cigarette burns on them, you will start to see what I am talking about).

IMO, due to her job, she has a extremely jaded view of the public, people in general and parenting. She feels she is supermom. Her mother feels the same. They both believe that the world is out to get my D6 and that she should pretty much be left in a bubble to grow.....for example of the differences in parenting style...

1. My family are seasonal campers. Site has 90 spots, 70 of which are seasonal, 3 of those are my families. We've been going there approx 5 years. We know the owners and the neighbours fairly well. As such, I allowed my D6 to walk less than 50 metres to the site store. I watched from the deck.

2. One of my brother-in-laws buddy was up at the camper for the weekend. We were all down by the lake swimming and using Buddies Sea-Doo taking the kids for rides. I head back to the camper to bring the dog back and clean up a touch leaving D6 with my parents and my sisters and their husbands. As they were walking back from the beach (it is about 200 metres from beach to camper) Buddy offers to drive the kids back in his quad-cab pickup. My 8y/o nephew and D ask to go, my sister (8y/o's mom) says yes. Buddy, nephew and D drive to camper...going 10km/h.....

Now, D6 has been programed to tell Ex EVERYTHING. What she doesn't outright tell, ex and her mom pull out of her. And they take everything she says as gospel. Like D6 said she went to the store by herself, which my ex has taken that I was inadequately supervising my D6 as she could be hit by a car, abducted etc.......the speed limit is 10km/h.....and apparently she missed the part where I watched her walk over.

Second, D told her about riding in the front seat back to the camper in Buddies truck. Ex is all up in arms about no booster and air bags, but more so about how Buddy (my brother in laws long time friend) could have molested my D and that she is not alllowed to allow with anyone who is not family.....apparently, the worlds is out to get my D and that all men are potential predators.

Now, I will agree, there are sicko's in the world, but really....I feel I am a good judge of character and so is my family. For Ex to get so bent out of shape borders on complete paranoia. And now I have to deal with D6 who looks up to her mom and Ex telling D6 what she can and cannot do on my time.....

It just sucks having someone who is paranoid as an ex. They don't see logic or reason. They just see what they want to see....and in my ex's case, she wants to believe that I am a bad parent......

end rant...

A lot of good advice in response. The main one here is to just ignore. I know its easier said than done and probably the hardest to heed for many of us.

I think your child though I do believe the mother is totally over reacting is lucky to have you as dad as by the sounds of things, being kept in a bubble and not being able to experience life and all its issues, good and bad would only be to the detriment of the child in the long run. You are doing a great job in keeping your child safe and at the same time giving your child the basic freedoms appropriate for the child's age.

Though I can not site the article(s) or studies but there has been numerous done about parents who keep their children in bubble rap and are basically so fearful of the child getting a scratch, that those parents are actually doing more harm than good. I think if you Google it you could come up with some info pdq, then the next time you get flack just send the links....nothing else in response.

Don't let anyone...you ex mainly tell you anything different.

[LostFather]

Now she is inviting herself over to my house to "see how D6 lives" and she also told D6 in front of me to make sure "it is ok". I don't want her in here, my fiance hates her, so she refuses to have her over (it is her house).

So I guess I will have to send her an email Monday advising that she is not entitled to come in and we are not obligated to invite her. We have nothing to hide, we just don't need her coming through our house judging us and playing CAS worker in the mean time.

She's argued that I have saw her house, so she should get to see mine.....she must have forgot that I lived there for a bit......

F that, she really needs to get a life. Has she moved on? Again the appropriate response would be silence. Even though I am sure you might want to respond with an F U.

[LostFather]

My ex's mom is just as bad. D6 was invited to a birthday party by one of her classmates (SK). Ex's mom told me on the Wednesday when I picked up D6 for my mid-week that I had to stay at the party as "D6 is a pretty girl" and she "doesn't know this family".......

Yeah, the family (outside of her brother who is a cool guy) is nuts...

Your time is your time....your decisions to parent as you see fit. who gives a rats ass who your ex knows or doesn't know.

[wretchedotis]

This isn't about her being jaded and paranoid.

This is about her attacking you, using your daughter to do so, and using the power of her position inappropriately and unprofessionally as a tool for her personal aggression.

You are a competent, loving parent and are fully capable of making judgement calls while she is with you. Your ex effin knows this. This isn't about your daughter, it is about her own lingering bitterness and hostility and her need to strike out.

It doesn't matter what you do or how perfectly you parent, she will find ways to exagerate possible danger, your behaviour, your choices, things your daughter says, exagerating anything she can to find ways to criticize you.

Because deep down inside she knows that she small and hopeless and an idiot, and the only way she can build herself up is to take you down.

Wow. I should send this word for word to my ex's husband.
Very well spoken.

[HammerDad]

Wow. I should send this word for word to my ex's husband.
Very well spoken.

Yup she's a peach and she's allllllll mine.........fuckmylife.....

[HammerDad]

OK, so I am torn.

I spoke with a lawyer today at my firm and she said the ex isn't entitled to come into my house. But she said, is it such a big deal in the grand scheme of things and what kind of issues can this cause down the road. Effectively to pick and choose my battles. She actually said to invite her over for coffee another day, sit her down to start and get her reaction. If she is a bitch, she see's D6's room and nothing more and leaves. If she is pleasant, return in kind......personally, I don't like this and I know my fiance will hate the idea.

If my ex hadn't of invited herself into my house and stated she wanted to "make sure it is ok" I wouldn't have an issue with her coming in as I have nothing to hide. But because of the way she has come off, and her apparent intention of playing the CAS worker, I have become defensive and apprehensive.

Anyway as it stands, I don't know how I want to proceed. I don't want her in my house under these pretenses. But we are also finalizing another agreement which will provide me with more time with D6 and getting my ex's agreement in writing to D6 coming to my destination wedding (which won't happen if D6 isn't there). So I need the ex to sign this, and because of that I am in a tough spot.

Chances are I cave, and allow her in to see D6's room (and only her room, nothing more and nothing less).

[Rioe]

How about telling your daughter that her mother is interested in knowing about her room in your house, and having her help you make a little movie, showing her around?

The girl can narrate - "Here's my bed, here's my toys, here's the view from my window," that sort of thing, from a child's perspective, and then you can send the video to the ex.

[Mess]

Your ex doesn't care what your house is like, she is doing this out of control and harrassment.

The primary thing you must not do is allow her to get a rise out of you because this feeds her behaviour. She does it to get a reaction from you, if you give her the reaction she keeps doing it.

Shrug your shoulders and in the most blase way, say you have no idea why she would care but she is welcome to come in go through your cupboards and closets if that will make her feel better. Then laugh at the idea, roll your eyes, smirk and hand her your house keys and ask her if she wants a copy.

[KeepSmiling]

Mess is absolutely right on! (again)

Then you should ask her if she wouldn't mind putting in a load of laundry while she's there

[blinkandimgone]

I agree with Mess, and really like Rioe's idea of engaging the daughter in helping show/tell her mom about her home with dad!

[May_May]

And knowing that she will probably use your bathroom on purpose...and be nosy...you could stock your medicine cabinets and cupboards with condom boxes and sex toys and wait for her to scream !

[HammerDad]

Your ex doesn't care what your house is like, she is doing this out of control and harrassment.

The primary thing you must not do is allow her to get a rise out of you because this feeds her behaviour. She does it to get a reaction from you, if you give her the reaction she keeps doing it.

Shrug your shoulders and in the most blase way, say you have no idea why she would care but she is welcome to come in go through your cupboards and closets if that will make her feel better. Then laugh at the idea, roll your eyes, smirk and hand her your house keys and ask her if she wants a copy.

Pretty much.

I told her that she can come and see D6's room, but due to her actions (effectively being a bully) I am unwilling to allow her to see any more of my house.

She wrote back that D6 says my house is filthy and she will see her lawyer about not having D6 live in filth at my house.....um, yeah...while I am not one to clean every day or whatever, I am a neat person. Everything goes in its place. My fiance is the same. This was just her getting one last jab in. I know after she comes in I will hear from D6 that "mommy doesn't like your house"...which is fine, she doesn't have to.

But this is putting a lot of stress on me and my fiance. My fiance is pissed. She feels like the NJ is winning by playing the bully and forcing her terms on us. She also doesn't want her privacy invaded like this. It is her house (not mine). I keep telling her that we will compromise a little, be the bigger people and get this over with. But she doesn't see much end in sight, especially knowing how controlling and abusive my ex has been over the years......

It is hard on me two, to be in the middle. But for my kid, I do what I have to.