Additional Access Request

[Anne]

Has anyone had experience, under a joint custody situation, of having their ex spouse request additional access to the child?

Out of our legal proceedings we agreed to attend counselling, however this does not have any binding effect over our original access agreement. I suspect my ex spouse would like to see more of our child because he believes that eventually he will be able to manipulate our daughter into wanting to live with him. Of course that would have dollar signs attached to it..hence the real motivation. I am not sure what will come of the counselling, but how do I take my stand without risking more future implications.

Any comments or advice?

[nikitaforce]

What kind of access is scheduled now? How old is your child? If there is counselling involved, is there a risk to the child?

[Carla]

similar situation...

I have a similar thread in my situation...unfortunately my ex is trying to convince my eldest daughter (but not the younger one!) to come and live with him---he's in another province, a 24 hour drive/3 hour plane ride away from us.

My daughter will be turning 12 years old in February and he keeps telling her that she can come and live with him when she turns 12. He believes that a child can legally make their own decision regarding where they want to live when they turn 12. I've tried looking for case law on this point but haven't been very successful. Does he have a legal leg to stand on?

[nikitaforce]

Unfortunately there is some truth to this...but you are best checking with Jeff on this one.

[Grace]

This is what I've been told on the subject. If it is the best interest of the children vs the wishes of the parents, the children's best interest always prevail. A child between the ages of 12 - 14 can hold some weight with a judge. It is not until the age of 14 that they can swear an affidavit.

[Carla]

I completely understand and agree that if it is in the best interests of the child then she should go...but i believe that she will have better opportunities in life here, and that her father's main motive for getting her out there is to eliminate his child support obligations. He has a long history of looking out only for himself and many of his previous access visits were "party central"---staying up late, lots of junk food, basically a free-for-all--- so he makes me look like the "work" parent and him like the "play" parent.

I don't think a child of 12 years old is capable of making a good decision when the main pull for her to go is "because it's more fun". Of course she's going to say it's more fun there when she doesn't associate his place with school/homework but associates it with holidays and parties.

[logicalvelocity]

A male perspective,

I share joint custody of our child. Our child lives with both of us equally. I still pay child support calculated like this; my income tabled amount what I would pay to her if she had custody - her income tabled amount what she would pay to me. Subtract the difference and this is the amount of child support that is paid to her. We share in the extra curricular expenses. We both buy things for our child. We both have to maintain an independent homes. In my situation the tabled amount if I was a non-custodial parent compared to a joint custodial is very little. There is no motive for me to have have sole custody. Wherever the child lives it is going to cost that parent money to provide a suitable home.

[Danno]

Another male perspective,

I've been raising my two kids on my own for ten years now, I share 'joint' custody with my ex but she pays me child support and only sees them at most twice a month (her choice)...now, this is the bottom line, when the kids get older (mine are 14 and 11 now) the kids' opinion of where they want to live does hold more weight- with family and with the courts. After all of the fighting between ex's and the money issues are resolved and negative feelings have subsided (even if not completely) the only thing that really matters is the parenting. When kids get older they will choose to stay in the household that: (and this is in order, in my opinion)

1. Affords them the most opportunity to gain, maintain and build their self-esteem. Kids stay where they feel wanted and important.

2. Enables them to live in the best financial situation possible. Kids these days (whether right or wrong) want to enjoy all of the trappings that our society has to offer. The cold hard fact is that when kids get older they will usually gravitate towards the money regardless of which parent happens to have it. It's not an attractive concept yet it is true and any lawyer with any experience will tell you that, all things being equal, kids will tend to choose to live with the parent that can 'give' them more. Now, before anyone writes me nasty messages about this one, I'm not condoning 'buying' your kids or enticing them with monetary rewards for the prospect of a move...I'm simply stating an existing statistical fact.

3. Affords the child/children a sense of optimism towards the future. Now, I'm only 38 years old and this may come off sounding like an 80 year old man but when I was a kid I wasn't as aware of the 'future' as kids seem to be these days. Being keenly aware of the future and future plans starts in school and is fostered throughout a childs student career by the school system. Personally, I agree with this approach although it must be tempered with a healthy dose of caution so as not to pressure a child that isn't ready to approach life this way.

People often ask me how I raised my children to be such caring, empathetic, responsible and forward-looking.

My answer is simple: Treat them like people, put them first and, above all, look them in the eye every day - tell them that you love them and that you'll be there for them 'no matter what'.

Hope this helps.

Dan

[Anne]

Access

Nikitaforce - access is alternating weekends, half of the christmas holidays and half of the summer. In retrospect, I believe this is too much given there are health issues involved that dear old Dad has chosen to ignore. Yes, I understand the mechanics of custody and access assessments, however you are gambling that a stranger will be deciding the fate of your child. Parental counselling was a saw off in the court proceedings to attempts at obtaining sole custody and was a trade off for other non-child related things being settled. What people misunderstand is that custody and access are two totally different and separate considerations. Custody is for decision making....access is largely looked at as down the middle unless there are criminal implications. I am concerned that in a few years time, my ex spouse will have manipulated our daughter into thinking that life would be better with him....I have rules, homework and respectful guidelines...everything that a budding teenager despises. I do however have all of the items that Danno has listed in his response to fall back on, so at this point I am crossing my fingers. One thing I did learn is that a judge does not want to hear about child related issues...they defer to what a so called expert has to say and relies heavily on the outcome of the assessment. My situation is still joint custody, however I anticipate that this will be come an issue if there is ever a circumstance where we meet at crossroads for decision making. In the world of custody...my ex spouse and I are at opposite extremes in terms of parenting. If only there were lottery winnings to be able to afford to fight for what is really important!