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4 year old doesn't want to go to daddy's

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  • 4 year old doesn't want to go to daddy's

    My Ex and I have been physically split since jan 2010. When he moved out, his gf moved in with him right away and we had 50/50 shared custody. The gf was very nice in my opinion and has treated daughter very well.
    GF moved out of Exs home 4 weeks ago. So my daughter is missing her. I am assuming here of course, but EX was never that engaged with daughter, so I suspect that she is not doing much at her dads (maybe watching tv while dad is on the computer).
    We are on a 2/2/5/5 access.

    Daughter has voiced to both my EX (ex has told me) and to me that she does not miss daddy when she is with mom but she always misses mommy. We have both said to her that both daddy and i want to spend time with her. She says she is bored at daddy's.
    While we have lived in seprate homes since Jan 2010, this is the first time my ex has had to parent alone (without girlfriend).
    Is there anything I can do to help the situation? I suspect that I need to bide my time as he figures out out to be a single parent, but it is difficult to hear daughter say that she does not want to go see him.

    Is there anything I can do?

  • #2
    I would agree with the biding time thing - it will work out.

    Also, I would make sure that she is not given the impression that there is a choice regarding where she is, otherwise she will pick the 'funnest' place, or with whom she currently feels more comfortable with - and that could set up a pattern for the next 10 years, where she plays that card.

    I know that it is hard to hear when she complains, but for me I don't worry about my kids relationship with their mom, nor worry about her decisions while they are with her - she is a reasonable parent (actually a good one), and it is not my place to interfere with or worry about that relationship. When I tell myself this, I feel better about anything that might otherwise bother me. We are all stuck with our parents!!

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    • #3
      lol true enough.....my daughter will need to develop her own relationship with her dad.

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      • #4
        Encourage her to go with her Dad when the time comes, and encourage Dad to engage his child. In a day Breakfast, Walk to the park, fly a kite, lunch, read a story, play a board game or two- if the weather is nice play some lawn games, snack more interactive game playing, supper, movie or reading, bath bed. That is a pretty full day. Keep your chin up, and your child will do the same

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        • #5
          Originally posted by nowwhat View Post
          Is there anything I can do?
          If everything you wrote is true, then please consider this post to be a standing ovation.

          I would also hereby invite a lot of people here to read your post again and again and again until they GET what it is that they're supposed to be doing.

          As for advice, you've recieved good stuff in this thread. I would emphasize the need for you to make sure your daughter feels that a trip to Dad's is a happy, happy, happy event. Lots of jumping and excitement and clapping of hands.... Then take the time to call your ex and say "I want (our daughter) to enjoy her time with you. Please believe me when I say that she needs you to [insert desired behaviour here]." If he's a dink about it, suck it up: This is for, and about, your daughter - and you love her more than life itself, right?

          Keep it up, Mom!

          Cheers,

          Gary

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Gary M View Post
            If everything you wrote is true, then please consider this post to be a standing ovation.

            I would also hereby invite a lot of people here to read your post again and again and again until they GET what it is that they're supposed to be doing.

            As for advice, you've recieved good stuff in this thread. I would emphasize the need for you to make sure your daughter feels that a trip to Dad's is a happy, happy, happy event. Lots of jumping and excitement and clapping of hands.... Then take the time to call your ex and say "I want (our daughter) to enjoy her time with you. Please believe me when I say that she needs you to [insert desired behaviour here]." If he's a dink about it, suck it up: This is for, and about, your daughter - and you love her more than life itself, right?

            Keep it up, Mom!

            Cheers,

            Gary
            Amen!

            This thread already looks like a sticky.

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            • #7
              I had a similar predicament with my seven year old few years back. I consulted a few professionals, and they advised it more or less was separation anxiety. Not uncommon considering the mechanics of the relationship to that point, then.

              Today, not so much the case now, but took effort not only from Mom, but Dad as well to correct. Even now, and is no secret, our child is closer to Mom than me, and probably always will be, but it's not something I resent, but only have endorsed since day one. I know, and am confident enough to say that my daughter has a special place for me.

              Currently, parenting time is limited but it is quality. Geographic distance has that effect. Fortunately for our child, Mom endorses extra curricular on her schedule which I generally follow through.

              As far as parenting, weekends go fast and there is no shortage of activities to engage. To each their own ... and what makes my kids happy is my main prerogative.

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              • #8
                Thanks everyone for the kudos. I certainly try my best. I actually phoned my daughter at her dad's last night(something I dont make a habit of), and she was happy to hear from me but not clingy so that put my mind at ease. I'm sure a big part of it is that the fun gf is gone, but daughter will need to adjust on this issue regardless.

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                • #9
                  Gary said it best! Kuddo's to you for not letting the other crap invade the relationship. It's not easy and by no means is it meant to show you are a better parent; it simply means you are a good parent by recognizing and acknowledging your child does have two. It can get difficult at times but keep that mantra going through all the good and the bad.

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                  • #10
                    My ex told me that our boy (at the beginning of seperation) would cry every time he was coming to see me. She used that as an excuse to withold access several times. I didn't seem to matter to her that he would cry when going back to MOM too. I suppose using her logic I shouldn't have let her have him on those occasions.

                    My point is - I wish she were more like you.
                    Children first. My and your feelings last.

                    Comment

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