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  • How to convince ex

    Hello ALL

    My ex convinced that kid who lived between homes are (she wrote):

    1. In my opinion, in KIDS' understanding home is home with me...he used to that..even OCL agrees...you want to ruing it... how this is better?

    2. When I was small I USED TO LIVE THIS WAY with my perents... for short time (that what my perens think), but I NEVER EVER WISH this to my son...live, like *on a go station *... be broken, apart...I HATED BOTH MY PERENS FOR THAT.... do you really want this for our son???

    3. My father was leaving whole life like that... and you know... deep inside he hate his dad... never has dad feelings etc...


    All my arguments does not work. Can any out give some fresh look and arguments why Next (after both parents under one roof) best option to live with both parents equally.

    I would really appreciated it ...

  • #2
    You simply don't bother because it is a waste of time and energy.

    You are trying to convince a dog that it is a cat or a astro-physicist that earth is flat and the sun revolves around the earth.....they simply aren't going to agree.

    You are too hung up on trying to convince your ex of something and getting frustrated when she doesn't agree, without looking at the simple futility of your efforts.

    You can't fix stupid and you are not going to change your ex's mind or convince her what you are doing is in your kids best interests. You are wasting your time, energy and focus. What you need to be doing is bettering yourself so you can prove to the courts why your position is best.

    What parenting courses have you taken? Have you taken any child CPR courses (St. John's Ambulance offers them cheap)? Have you taken any parenting after divorce classes? How involved are you with your kids schooling (ie. do you call every couple weeks to check up on them etc. Do you volunteer to chaperone?).

    You don't have the right mind set right now. You are focus changing your ex, when the reality you would be better off taking a running jump off a tall bridge and convincing gravity it doesn't exist. And notwithstanding that, WHO CARES WHAT YOUR EX THINK!!! Your efforts are better focused on convincing the courts that your proposal is best and provide reasoning as to why. It is the courts that will determine how things go, not your ex.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
      You simply don't bother because it is a waste of time and energy.

      You are trying to convince a dog that it is a cat or a astro-physicist that earth is flat and the sun revolves around the earth.....they simply aren't going to agree.
      You are too hung up on trying to convince your ex of something and getting frustrated when she doesn't agree, without looking at the simple futility of your efforts.

      You can't fix stupid and you are not going to change your ex's mind or convince her what you are doing is in your kids best interests. You are wasting your time, energy and focus. What you need to be doing is bettering yourself so you can prove to the courts why your position is best.
      Try to work on both sides... I am hopeless I know )

      What parenting courses have you taken?
      Took one course. The co – parenting course I completed was designed for individuals who wish to improve parenting skills, and for personal growth. This course was designed by Ari Novick, Ph.D. Dr Novick is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert in family relationships. Pass it with 91% correct answers...

      Have you taken any child CPR courses (St. John's Ambulance offers them cheap)?
      Nope. I was going to and even suggest ex to take one too. She replayed that it's ridiculous as she is not going to have child care. Biggest problem to take course for me was that it two weekend so I will have to give up time with kid to take it as nobody will give me make up...

      here what I had in mind...

      First Aid - Standard (Red Cross)

      Description:
      A comprehensive course that provides training for dealing with life-threatening situations. Topics covered include all the material in Emergency First Aid (choking treatment, CPR, severe bleeding, shock, etc.) plus poisoning, bone and joint injuries, hypothermia, moving a first aid casualty, and medical conditions such as diabetic crisis, convulsions, heart attack and stroke (CPR component is equivalent to CPR A, adult). If required, level C (infant and child) can be provided by the instructor upon request on day of course . Certification is in effect for 3 years. A First Aid Recertification course can be taken once only before expiry, again effective for 3 years. Following the recertification, the Full Standard First Aid course must be taken to remain certified.

      You remind me about that. May be I should write email to ex that I am going to have that course and when I will be able to have make up time.

      Have you taken any parenting after divorce classes? How involved are you with your kids schooling (ie. do you call every couple weeks to check up on them etc. Do you volunteer to chaperone?).
      kid is 2yo. did not volunteer - I do not even know what is chaperone

      You don't have the right mind set right now. You are focus changing your ex, when the reality you would be better off taking a running jump off a talk bridge and convincing gravity it doesn't exist. And notwithstanding that, WHO CARES WHAT YOUR EX THINK!!! Your efforts are better focused on convincing the courts that your proposal is best and provide reasoning as to why. It is the courts that will determine how things go, not your ex.
      I agree with what you saying. I do not focusing on it. Still have some little hope as if she change her mind that would be easier to settle it without court...
      Last edited by WorkingDAD; 04-01-2011, 02:20 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by WorkingDAD View Post
        You remind me about that. May be I should write email to ex that I am going to have that course and when I will be able to have make up time. ...
        Take the course on your own time, when it won't interferre with your parenting time. Changes to your parenting time, that are your fault, do not generally entitle you to make up time. The general belief is that you scheduled the activity, you can work it around your parenting time. This would be one of the instances where, if you registered and missed parenting time, you probably wouldn't be entitled to makeup time.

        Find a time when you don't have your kid.

        And don't bother emailing her saying you are doing this. I mean, for the love of god, why do you need to include her in your daily life??!?! You guys are getting a divorce. You don't need to know what she is up to, same goes for you. Only information that needs to be discussed between you are matters relating to the kids. Otherwise, it is radio silence....use it!!! The only place where this needs to be brought up is before the judge when you can pull out your certificates and state that you took X and Y classes and have the A and B certification.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
          Take the course on your own time, when it won't interferre with your parenting time. Changes to your parenting time, that are your fault, do not generally entitle you to make up time. The general belief is that you scheduled the activity, you can work it around your parenting time. This would be one of the instances where, if you registered and missed parenting time, you probably wouldn't be entitled to makeup time.

          Find a time when you don't have your kid.
          Problem is that other dates are work days so I have to take off from work (course is 2 days). They have them (mcMaster) only on weekends (Sat, Sun) and I do not have to pay for it otherwise it's $130.00

          And don't bother emailing her saying you are doing this. I mean, for the love of god, why do you need to include her in your daily life??!?! You guys are getting a divorce. You don't need to know what she is up to, same goes for you. Only information that needs to be discussed between you are matters relating to the kids. Otherwise, it is radio silence....use it!!! The only place where this needs to be brought up is before the judge when you can pull out your certificates and state that you took X and Y classes and have the A and B certification.
          nobody would say her anything if I do not need to change my parenting time for it ... Also judge would ike to read (I think) dad - I need to take firs AID course and need switch parenting time from A to B. Mom - it;s you problem you choose course over your time with kid - you do not love him ))

          Comment


          • #6
            You have two choices when it comes to this then:

            a. you lose time with the kids;
            b. you miss time from work; or
            c. you pay for a babysitter or get a relative to look after the child for a few hours while you take the course.

            A court will not look at you upgrading your parenting skills by taking a CPR course as a statement that you were previously less qualified. And if they did, well you are now more qualified.

            And mom can think whatever she wants. Ultimately, you don't care. You don't need to explain yourself to her.

            If it makes you a better parent, what is the problem with making some sacrifices in order to take the course? I mean, you can ask you ex if she can change your parenting time, but when she says no, you will have to be prepared with plan B.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
              You have two choices when it comes to this then:

              a. you lose time with the kids;
              b. you miss time from work; or
              c. you pay for a babysitter or get a relative to look after the child for a few hours while you take the course.
              course is two days from 9-5. I can ask my wife to take care for kid alone. did not thing about that even (funny how brain work or does not work)

              A court will not look at you upgrading your parenting skills by taking a CPR course as a statement that you were previously less qualified. And if they did, well you are now more qualified.

              And mom can think whatever she wants. Ultimately, you don't care. You don't need to explain yourself to her.

              If it makes you a better parent, what is the problem with making some sacrifices in order to take the course? I mean, you can ask you ex if she can change your parenting time, but when she says no, you will have to be prepared with plan B.

              will go tomorrow and register for course...

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by WorkingDAD View Post
                course is two days from 9-5. I can ask my wife to take care for kid alone. did not thing about that even (funny how brain work or does not work)
                Sometimes the simplest answer is the best. You get more qualifications AND you don't need to involve your ex into this, who would only cause you a headache.

                will go tomorrow and register for course...
                Good times!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by WorkingDAD View Post
                  course is two days from 9-5. I can ask my wife to take care for kid alone. did not thing about that even (funny how brain work or does not work)




                  will go tomorrow and register for course...

                  H D is right. It is something very sad, but right. The more you try and convince her and she sees your frustrations. The more she feeds off of your misery and its like crack for her. She obviously gets huge amounts of pleasure from your pain and you need to cut the junkie off so she can not get her next fix. It won't happen overnight but the more you show you don't give a shit the more it won't be fun anymore. Again its sad.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    WorkingDAD I have read a lot of your posts and it seems to me that you are in a highly confllicted situation and that you very early on in the process.

                    HammerDad gave you great advice (the same advice he has given to countless others - this s/b a sticky BTW) about how to deal with denial of access, and you acknowledged same. Please re-read his denial of access advice ten more times and soak it in - real good.

                    You keep on returning to petty little "Look what she did now!" discussions. You don't seem to have clarity about an overall stategy.

                    You need to find some perspective, get a game plan and a strategy for dealing with her overall behaviour, not just knee-jerk reacting to each and every battle tactic she throws at you.

                    Right now it seems to me that you are playing a giant game of Whack-A-Mole without any purpose.

                    Get some professional counselling about how to deal with her behaviour. And get a game plan so that you stop fighting fires everywhere and creating drama in your own mind every couple of days.
                    Last edited by dadtotheend; 04-02-2011, 08:05 AM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by dadtotheend View Post
                      Right now it seems to me that you are playing a giant game of Whack-A-Mole without any purpose..
                      Think long and hard about this part.

                      When you play Whack-A-Mole, your behaviour is actually controlled by the little "moles" popping up out of the holes.

                      Your ex is controlling you by throwing confict after conflict in your path. Every time you "have to" stop and deal with it. Except you don't.

                      What she wants is for you to engage with her in the conflict. This keeps your attention. It keeps you reacting to her instead of living your life and forgetting about her. It keeps her in control of your time, and it keeps her in control of what you have to constantly be thinking about.

                      You have to learn to ignore her. It isn't easy, because she has trained you to pay attention to her for years. It's also hard because you have to separate the child issues from the ex's behaviour. It's really hard, but you have to learn. Otherwise she will keep sucking you in and you will remain in a high conflict situation and this will ultimately threaten your custody situation.

                      You can't change her, and you don't have the right to even try. You shouldn't change yourself to suit her. What you can do is disengage from her, separate, be divorced in practice, not just on paper. In some ways it is just a small, subtle change in thinking, but in other ways it is a massive change to your life.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Do you think that the ass in the hole in Mess's profile pic might be another Whack-A-Mole???

                        Hmmm....food for thought

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          You know, Mess and I have locked horns a few times on this forum, but I have to say that he is DEAD RIGHT about this.

                          Yes, yes, and YES. The Whack-A-Mole analogy is perfect.

                          Especially when the separation is new, and you are coming away from a relationship where you were bending over backwards to try to make an unworkable situation work, and both of you are used to that dynamic, it is so easy to fall into that same pattern again, but you don't have to. You don't have to get your ex to se things your way ANY MORE. That's what the mediators and lawyers and judges are for - they sort out the mess so that you don't have to play the game any more.

                          I recently had a situation where my ex was playing silly games ("I have a lawyer, but I won't tell you his name"), and I asked a friend why on earth he would be doing that, and she just laughed and asked me why *I* was expecting him to be a different or more reasonable person now that we were separated? LOL - it was a great wake-up call for me. You aren't your ex's pet cat - you don't have to chase after every bit of string dangled in front of you.

                          Very well said, Mess. I agree completely.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            At least in Whack-A-Mole there is the possbility of a stuffed toy at the end.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Mess View Post
                              Think long and hard about this part.

                              When you play Whack-A-Mole, your behaviour is actually controlled by the little "moles" popping up out of the holes.

                              Your ex is controlling you by throwing confict after conflict in your path. Every time you "have to" stop and deal with it. Except you don't.

                              What she wants is for you to engage with her in the conflict. This keeps your attention. It keeps you reacting to her instead of living your life and forgetting about her. It keeps her in control of your time, and it keeps her in control of what you have to constantly be thinking about.

                              You have to learn to ignore her. It isn't easy, because she has trained you to pay attention to her for years. It's also hard because you have to separate the child issues from the ex's behaviour. It's really hard, but you have to learn. Otherwise she will keep sucking you in and you will remain in a high conflict situation and this will ultimately threaten your custody situation.

                              You can't change her, and you don't have the right to even try. You shouldn't change yourself to suit her. What you can do is disengage from her, separate, be divorced in practice, not just on paper. In some ways it is just a small, subtle change in thinking, but in other ways it is a massive change to your life.
                              Mess, I understand what you are trying to tell but that not completely truth.
                              There is only reason why I try to convince her or at least give her some info to read about it's to try to reduce conflict. It's not what I thinking about all the time. As for divorce - we never been married and to be honest newer truly been together (as from my part for sure) so it's not problem here for sure ...

                              Comment

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