One of many examples of "cooperating" mom

[WorkingDAD]

After pick up my little one today I noticed that his eyes watering, he is tearing all day, sneezing, nose look like swallow. My first thought was he has some sort of allergy. So I wrote to mom an email:

DAD:

Hi!
Did you notice that KID sick? Sneezing, tears coming from his eyes, something on his upper lip under the nose, but no temperature for now.

How was he yesterday and today's morning?

Dad

MOM:
He is not sick. Just sneezing, not big deal. He scrached himself there. He was fine

DAD:
He is not just sneezing... I think he has some sort of allergy. All symptoms point to that. His eyes watering and tears coming all day.
I will book an appointment to doctor to check allergy. Just in case. That will not hurt.

MOM:
I told you that is not necessary!!! He was fine home, sneezing is not big deal.Do not do it!!!! It is not urgent!!!! he scrached himself, not big deal. It is impossibly for allergy !!! He did not ate anything new!!!


and that is why, parallel parenting ids not good at all ((((((((((((((((((((((

MOM:
To the eyes, he started tearing , becase of wearing glasses all day...

MOM:
I will see how KID and do it myself on Manday (if it would be nessesary). OK.
It is not urgent, calm down. You did not do any apoitments, so PLEASE do not do it now. I am telling you that is not nessesary.

DAD:
What is wrong with you? Why I can not make appointment to check him for an allergy?
Does it really matter who will make an appointment and will go to check him for an allergy just in case?
Will KID loose something ? As a father I believe I have the same right and responsibilities as you so as responsible parent I think that what I have to do.

And the as matter of fact I did all his appointments before you started your revenge.

MOM:
You did not do any appointments, not even one!!! For starters.
Secondly it is not necessary, he did not ate anything new.
He scratched himself, I new that.
His eyes watering, because of glasses, I new that.
He sneeze every other month , not big deal.

Is he healthy otherwise? Cranky? Does it bother him? Did not bother at home, he was fine. Do not make anything ok. Those scenes you showing now, just safe for you and your daughter. Maxeem is fine. Anyway, if you not listen to me and do it, Maxeem will not come. I will not let him. Unless you book something on your own time. Period.

DAD:
OK (just do not want to write back and force all day)

Now who is not cooperating here and what is wrong with a father? Any inputs? May be I am missing something but did I do something wrong ?

[blinkandimgone]

You opened the door for an aruguement and then let her draw you in. Here's how the conversation SHOULD have gone:

Dad: I noticed he was sniffling and sneezing today. Was he like that over the weekend with you?

Mom: No, he's fine

Dad: OK

Then if you're concerned, you book an appointment, take him to it and keep her up to date on the results of the appointment. Stop putting yourself in a position of asking for her permission to tend to the child's needs.

[WorkingDAD]

You opened the door for an aruguement and then let her draw you in. Here's how the conversation SHOULD have gone:

Dad: I noticed he was sniffling and sneezing today. Was he like that over the weekend with you?

Mom: No, he's fine

Dad: OK

Then if you're concerned, you book an appointment, take him to it and keep her up to date on the results of the appointment. Stop putting yourself in a position of asking for her permission to tend to the child's needs.

That what I did saying
I will book an appointment to doctor to check allergy. I did not ask her. I just informed her that I will book an appointment....

[MommaBear73]

Has the sneezing been going on for a while? It could be seasonal allergies. Doctors don't like to do the big allergy testing anymore, they basically will test for something if the child has shown an adverse reaction to it ie:If your child eats peanut butter and gets hives they will test for an allergy to nuts, but they won't test for every allergy possible. Maybe try keeping a food journal too see if the sneezing co-incides with diet. Or it could be enviromental like dust, pollen, perfume/cologne, pets etc.
Good luck and I hope your little one gets well soon.

[WorkingDAD]

Thx
I do not see him everyday. Last time I saw him he was not. Since weather turn to spring like my first thought was like seasonal allergy ( dust, pollen, perfume).
That what I was thinking to test...

[Zhoozhelitsa]

Why can't you just take him to a doctor if you have a concern, instead of arguing with your ex? What's your priority here? It's your kid too, so do what you are supposed to, take care of him instead of telling her what she did or didn't. This could be alternatively named, One of Many Examples Of Dads Who Show No Initiative in The Face of The Obvious.

Unless you are prohibited from taking your little one the to a doc in which case I take it back. Are you?

[WorkingDAD]

Well, I do not prohibited but my schedule for now is outside of doctors hours.
I do not understand why I am one here who is arguing? You are to fast to making conclusions.

And again I did not ask or argue. I just said I think he has some sort of allergy and it better to check.... Base on your comment I should sicratelly take him to doctor and do not even tell other party?

[Zhoozhelitsa]

If it's outside, ask your employer to accommodate, it's your kid's health. There are walk in clinics that are open late. Not secretly, just say, hey Mom, our kid is sick, I'm gonna take him to the doctor and keep you posted on that. What's wrong with that?

Sorry, didn't mean to give you trouble. My kids' dads are kinda like that, so just an automatic response - Don't like smth? Fix it.

You posted a long argument thread with your ex, so it looked like you were arguing.

[WorkingDAD]

Not mine working schedule outside - My hours with KID outside of doctors appointments hours. If you read it you can see that mom arguing that I SHOULD NOT BOOK ANY APPOINTMENTS because everything fine with kid and if she will see that he need it she will do it by herself...

So base on dialogue WHO IS THINKING ABOUT KID FIRST AND WHO IS -NON-COOPERATIVE PARENT?

[blinkandimgone]

I don't disagree with what you're saying, I disagree with how you're going about it. You're giving her the opportunity to draw you into conflict about things that should be simple and straightforward. If there is an issue, notify her and then that's the end of the conversation. She can object and threaten all she wants but you don't have to entertain it.

[Mess]

If you have joint custody you may make an appointment yourself with the children's doctor and simply insist you want to be there. If the mother refuses to come, go yourself to the doctor and discuss the situation without making complaint about the mother. (The doctor's job is not to hear your complaints about the mother.) Be clear that you have joint custody, you have medical concerns and ask the doctor to deal with it at the next appointment.

What Blink is driving at, and I agree fully, is that the argument with your ex happened because you left the door open for it. It is your choice whether to engage in conflict, or to simply assert yourself and state facts and withdraw. Don't let her bait you, don't get sucked into an argument.

If she genuinely feels you never participated in things like doctor's appointments before, you should gently explain that things have changed and both parents need to be involved equally now. But you need to communicate by refering to the situation, not her, refer to your feelings, not her, refer to the children's needs, not her. Don't make conversations about her. If she tries to make conversations about you, change the subject back to the children.

[WorkingDAD]

I am just wondering why nobody saying that mom just say OK lets check for allergy... ?

[Mess]

You can't change her. The only thing you can change is how you interact with her.

[WorkingDAD]

I am not interested in that
I just hate an idea that is the one who is not cooperating and base on that OCL recommend sole custody for her...

[NBDad]

I am just wondering why nobody saying that mom just say OK lets check for allergy...

We're not saying that. If you suspect the kid may have allergies, then by all means he should be tested. What we're saying is that she's NOT going to change, so YOU need to change how you deal with her.

I am not interested in that

That's apparent from the exchange you provided, which is why it will continue to happen and why the OCL is recommending sole for her.

I just hate an idea that is the one who is not cooperating

Why would she? It's working from her perspective isn't it.

Look, you need to STOP getting drawn into an argument with her. It's called "radio silence". You got suck holed into an argument, until you learn how NOT to do that, it's going to continue to happen and the OCL report is going to screw you.

You've been told how to go about it. Make arrangements to take the kid on your time. (Hell there are walk in clinics available on the weekends/evenings.) Stop arguing with her, stop engaging her and stop the back and forth crap.