Advice re amicable child custody DAD ?

[shellshocked22]

My soon to be ex and I are in the process of drafting the separation agreement. Given the circumstances (she requested divorce - no big drama as to why; she just wasn't happy in marriage anymore) things are almost surprisingly amicable.

We both agree in theory to shared (50%) custody of 2 young children (both under 10). However, given their ages and my demanding work schedule, we both agree its best for them AT THIS POINT for the Mom to be primary caregiver and I'll do the traditional every other weekend and one weekday thing. Lawyer has suggested acknowledging proposed visitation (with holiday guidelines added) BUT either party at end of each school year can request a review.

My thinking is that as they get older (ie. I don't have to be there after school for them but be there for dinner, etc.) that I have the opportunity to have them for up to 50%.

Again, things are amicable now but of course things "can" get ugly down the road.

Any general comments, especially from those that started out similar to me but a few years have gone by ? By the way, in our case whether I have 10% or 50% child custody the child support payments won't really change much since there is too big a gap between my income and hers. So, there is no "financial" motivation here, merely want to "preserve" my right to see the kids more when it makes sense. My ex and I agree at this point that the MOm is main caregiver (in the children's best interest) but I expect this to lessen somewhat as they get older.

Any comments are welcome !

Thanks

[dinkyface]

whether I have 10% or 50% child custody the child support payments won't really change much since there is too big a gap between my income and hers.

If she is making $30K (plus $20K CS from you?), then the move to 50-50 parenting will take over $5300 out of her pockets ... AFTER TAX. In addition, she would lose 1/2 of the CTC amounts (not sure how much that is worth - but at least another $1500?). It will be much a bigger deal at her income level than it would be at yours.

Just warning that the move to 50% time may be more difficult than you expect. It won't matter much that you agreed to it in principal, when 5 years later, there is a status quo of 30% time.

[mama2bee]

We both agree in theory to shared (50%) custody of 2 young children (both under 10). However, given their ages and my demanding work schedule, we both agree its best for them AT THIS POINT for the Mom to be primary caregiver and I'll do the traditional every other weekend and one weekday thing. Lawyer has suggested acknowledging proposed visitation (with holiday guidelines added) BUT either party at end of each school year can request a review.

I'll likely receive a lot of backlash for this but the " I'll do the traditional every other weekend and one weekday thing." seems like a cop-out. I'm sorry but I am a single mom to a high needs 2 month old and I juggle school as well as maintaining my home and all appointments for my child without using the excuse of "I don't have time"

How are your children going to react to rarely ever seeing their father? Why can't you do daycare at night or even just a sitter till you are done work? It just doesn't seem fair to the kids but easier for you.

[shellshocked22]

No, I appreciate your comments ! Unfortunately, my job is very demanding (ie. time consuming, not just normal 40 hours week; maybe close to double that) and with the big support payments I"ll have to pay I can't afford (nor can my family) to lose any income. The kids are younger and quite frankly closer to their mom at this age. My concern is that if they only have 50% contact with mom AT THIS POINT IN TIME they would be upset. My intent for the time I do have is to be VERY "high quality" (ie. 100% focus on them; no sundry jobs, shopping, etc.). It doesn't make sense to me to have them with a sitter during the week after school and effectively only have a couple of hours with them.

However, as they get older, they won't need the same level of supervision (ie. they can stay home by themselves after school until I get home for dinner) and hopefully down the road my work load will lighten.

The vibe I'm getting is that the current 'lighter" parental access may effectively be "locked in" down the road and I may not be able to go for a higher percentage later ?

Then again, don't the kids after age 12 have input on their preferences then ?

[dinkyface]

The kids are younger and quite frankly closer to their mom at this age. My concern is that if they only have 50% contact with mom AT THIS POINT IN TIME they would be upset.

Job demands aside, it sounds like you are selling yourself short in terms of how you can relate to your kids, and how quickly they would come to see you as 'equal' parent ... if you put yourself in that position. But then, everyone relates differently to their kids, and wants different types of relationships.

'High quality time' sounds nice ... but it in your kids eyes, they will see these roles, and perceive that 'daddy time' is very different from 'mummy time' -- something about it seems wrong, but I'm having trouble saying it . It can lead to a perception that mummy is hard put-on martyr while daddy is galavanting about ... which can become an alienation tool for mummy.

[Rioe]

'High quality time' sounds nice ... but it in your kids eyes, they will see these roles, and perceive that 'daddy time' is very different from 'mummy time' -- something about it seems wrong, but I'm having trouble saying it . It can lead to a perception that mummy is hard put-on martyr while daddy is galavanting about ... which can become an alienation tool for mummy.

Yes, I agree that you may want to consider what message you will be sending by doing it this way. No matter what you do during Daddy-time, having so little of it implies that your job is more important to you than your children. It can also cause friction with your ex because if all Daddy-time is high octane fun time, they'll eventually draw comparisons and you'll be seen as the permissive parent who lets them just play, and she'll be the bossy one who makes them do their chores and homework. They won't see your parenting roles as equal. Also, if they never see you do anything like cleaning or shopping or chores, they won't really internalize that you still have these things to do. They may fall into sexist roles of "mommies do housework but not daddies." If you plan for there to be more time spent with you when they are older, you may find it a HUGE uphill battle to get them to do anything but play and be selfish at your home, as you'll have a long precedent to get them over.

Just some thoughts.

[DDM]

No matter how amicable it is (or seems) at present I would advise that you get any access agreement in writing. Cross your 't's' and dot your 'i's'. You will save yourself a lot of heartache, lost time and legal costs if your ex has a change of heart down the road. "Hoping" to obtain 50% down the road is just that - hope. When my son separated his ex was very amicable and he had as much access as he wanted. Once he signed the SA the access was cut back to the minimum requirement, then she started to deny even that. She is now in breach of the agreement, my son has not seen his child in over a month and it is in the hands of the lawyers at $300/hr.

Hope for the best - but prepare for the worst.