Can't deal with her BS anymore

[HammerDad]

I am going to cut all verbal communication with this woman.

You should have done that long ago. Radio silence. She can speak, but unless it is related to the child, it is garbage in/garbage out.

Document any negative comments that you child parrots from her mom for future reference should have to take her to court for anything. Because if you're gonna deal with 1, may as well deal with 10.

Otherwise, if you ex calls let her go to voicemail. Then reply via email if it relating to the child. If it is nonsense, ignore it. Should she want to alter the schedule, a simple email of "I intend to abide by our court order and stay to the current schedule as that is what is in the best interests of our child."

But yeah, quick talking with her. It rarely does any good....

[Deputy Daddy]

What if you were to change up the schedule to split the weeks up a bit? I couldn't be away from my kids for a week at a time and have them Tue and Wed and every second Fri, Sat and Sun.

If you are in a very high conflict situation then fine, go by the letter of your agreement and everyone suffers. If you can communicate enough and both can be flexible then life is MUCH less stressful and easier on the kids and you. Why have the kids avoid a family gathering at their mom's place to sit watching TV at dad's place because you can't trade days? It does take two to make it work though...

[formyGirls]

Great advice- try to stick to email for sure.

I have an extremely volatile ex, and she says unbelievable things in front of our girls when I would drop them off and pick them up. She used to call me and scream at me 20 minutes at a time. I got to the point of not answering phone, and emailing reply. Thank goodness - now I have bunch of emails of her swearing, saying how she is F###ing sick of dealing with our oldest (who was 5 at time - sad, I know). Now she is lying her ass off in affidavits and police statements, and I have lots of emails to prove that.

If you have a volatile situation,

1. Always stay calm yourself - never get drawn into it.

2. Walk away- don't let any conflict happen when your kids are there- no matter what, walk away, and follow up with email.

3. Get a personal recorder or video device, and make records. Absolutely do not let ex or your kids know you record anything. Only do this in extreme situations. I did this on occasion, and the one time I didn't, I got charged because she told cops I threatened her. Fortunately, I have video of previous time she tried the same threatening charge, and I could prove she lied - turns out it is my "Get out of jail free" card

4. Email, email, email. Try to keep away from texts, unless you have a phone you can download data from for records.

5. Keep a witness handy if possible. I have my girls every other weekend on temp order, and my girlfriend moved in with me (much earlier than we planned) so I would have a witness at home- went through a bunch of false cas allegations too- all cleared thanks in part to witness.

Good luck- hopefully you will be able to use the volatile situation to your advantage later in court or negotiating... but hey, this is family court - what was I thinking?

[NBDad]

Radio silence. Stop talking to her. Email communications surrounding the children ONLY.

If you MUST do the pickups, then bring a witness with you. My own situation was extremely volatile, so now I have a local transportation company do the exchanges.

There's almost ALWAYS some similar service in the area that can do that for you for a nominal fee. It totally takes you needing to be near the ex out of the equation AND gives you a neutral third party that can attest to things like her refusal to hand them over/etc.

[NBDad]

Practice making your eyes glaze over. DON'T bite at the bait dude.

Anything discussed verbally needs to be followed up with an email to her the second your butt gets home. Whether she responds or not is irrelevant.

Your de facto response to ANYTHING she says at pickup/drop off is "Please send me an email with these issues so I may review and address them".

Pickup should take a grand total of 5 mins...how long does it take to buckle a kid in the car and leave?

[mama2bee]

Question for you NBDad, (and other fathers who support/have shared custody). What would you say if your ex told you she is the better parent mainly because she carried and gave birth to your child, and says is more caring than you.

Obviously I am not a father but I can sympathize with you... to a point. Your ex seems like she is just trying to push you out of your daughters life because for some deranged reason she needs to make you the bad guy. True we carry and give birth but in no way does that mean a mother is the superior parent. She knows what buttons to push with you to get under your skin, so stop letting her. Whether she will use email or not stick to emailing, pick up your child on time on the designated days get her buckled up and GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE ! Ignore whatever your ex is saying and instead strike up a conversation with your daughter, let your ex rant and rave but tune her out. Unless you want her to continue verbally attacking you I don't see any other option ... unless you have a roll of duct tape handy :P

[billm]

She is referring to the child having 2 homes and thinks that is bad and unsteady for the child.

Question for you NBDad, (and other fathers who support/have shared custody). What would you say if your ex told you she is the better parent mainly because she carried and gave birth to your child, and says is more caring than you.

I would tell her that you think equal shared parenting is best for the kids, but if she feels that is not in the best interests of the kids, you would be willing to take them full time

Also, you can simply tell her that you believe the she offers a lot of things to your children, some of them 'motherly' qualities. And you also offer a lot of things to your children, some of them 'fatherly' qualities. The combination of this gives them balanced parenting, and is the best situation for them given your separation.

[NBDad]

I wouldn't tell her anything until I had a signed and final order. Because I would be practicing "radio silence".

[mom4everthere]

There are alot of good points in the replies, so I would like to address one other thing you mentioned: the smoke.
Is there any delicate way that you can find out from your daughter if your ex is smoking in the car? It is illegal in many jurisdictions. It is disgusting that your child is exposed to this health hazard in the house...can your ex be persuaded to smoke outside of the house for the sake of her innocent daughter?!
Take care.

[mama2bee]

There are alot of good points in the replies, so I would like to address one other thing you mentioned: the smoke.
Is there any delicate way that you can find out from your daughter if your ex is smoking in the car? It is illegal in many jurisdictions. It is disgusting that your child is exposed to this health hazard in the house...can your ex be persuaded to smoke outside of the house for the sake of her innocent daughter?!
Take care.

I agree with you but if the mother is already doing it around the child so she likely doesn't give a crap as is and him saying anything to her will only further provoke her

[mama2bee]

Try taking a social worker with you? That is opening your lives up to 'professionals' though and that usually comes around to bite everyone on the ass. It seems you're stuck for the time being and she just needs to grow the hell up and get over herself. I mean really she is complaining that she can't get time away? If you get this all in an email you can build a stronger court case, just hold strong and be patient....very very patient

[Marcos]

She is referring to the child having 2 homes and thinks that is bad and unsteady for the child.

Question for you NBDad, (and other fathers who support/have shared custody). What would you say if your ex told you she is the better parent mainly because she carried and gave birth to your child, and says is more caring than you.

Wow, that is just exactly what mine says and that couldn't be further from the truth, even since the child's birth she has been unable to put her to sleep because of her constant state of anxiety. The child doesn't feel safe and comfortable or at ease with her mom, its really something to see. But how would one prove such things? -- It sickens me.

[FaithandMorals]

[quote=iceberg;61188] SHE SAID YOU ARE JUST A DAD, DAD MEANS NOTHING. Then said OK DAD IS DAD BUT MOM'S ARE MORE IMPORTANT, CARING AND EMOTIONAL.

Maybe. In vast majority I believe it is the case worldwide.



Brother, Are you on drugs? Mom's are never more superior than father's and likewise father's are never more superior to mother's. Both are qual yet different. Sure, mother's gestate and carry the child but did anyone get to choose who offers the seed and who offers the egg? Nope.

Kid's need both their parents. It is a crazy world out there and the more people any of us (esp children) has cheering for them, the better!

[janedoe99]

wow that seems so strange after 3 years she is just now saying this? How old is your child? Why did she sign a 50/50 agreement if she doesn't believe it is in the child's best interest?
As far as the smoke goes...that is wrong and based on that fact alone I would think it's best that your child spend as much time NOT in that smokey environment. I couldn't imagine doing that to my child. Selfish is what it is.