Parenting plan

[dorano]

Hi everyone!
I have been seperated for about 5 months now - we unfortunately had to live together for 4 months and have just started living apart for about 3 weeks now and have some kind of understanding for visitation while I'm still on Maternity leave. Four months of living together but being seperated was terrible for everyone - and he left very relunctantly as he is a controlling manipulating bully who is not willing to let me go. (he's now living at a neighbours house to make sure I'm never out of sight and he's never out of mind )

My kids are 9 months old and 3 years old.
He and his lawyer have come up with a parenting plan to "share" custody but I would like some feedback from parents who have been there and know how it all works in practice.

Its also a high conflict seperation - I'm more than willing to and have tried very hard to cooperate and communicate in a positive manner, but my ex is having way too many negative strong emotions to allow that for now.

Any advise, links, ressources appreciated
I'd be happy to email you the plan for review/feedback if you are interested.

[Mess]

Hi,
Always try to remember that they are not "your kids" in all of this; the kids have two parents, a father and a mother and they have a right to both of them. This is not about your rights or the father's rights, it's about the children's rights. The father does have joint legal custody unless there is a court order or signed agreement stating otherwise. I'm sure you have your reasons for doubting his motives but I assure you that every parent here would prefer to live close their children under the circumstances you describe, in itself it is not indicative of controlling behaviour.

My ex and I have shared custody (slightly variable, always within 60/40) of our 2 children, now aged 6 and 14. We separated when our youngest was 3, and began a shared parenting situation immediately. My ex and I don't get along well at the best of times, but we rarely need to see each other as we do the switch offs by one parent dropping off at school/daycare and the other parent picking up. As such, control issues are non-existant.

The period immediately after separation is hard on everyone and any conflict will be magnified. We all do best if we step back and focus on keeping the children happy. My ex was a lousy spouse, and would say the same thing about me, but we are both good parents to our children. Hopefully you and your ex can work towards at least that much.

[today]

dorano, what is the parenting plan you seek? In terms of the childrens time between parents?

[dorano]

Right now he sees the kids 3 times per week for approx 3 hours and both mornings on weekends.

The specifics I'm asking about are recommendations about holidays, and arrangements for very young children, considering that our son is 9 months old and still nursing (refuses bottles and frankly I don't want to force him to take one) When he finally has a place of his own, he wants them all day Saturday and overnight. I have no problem with my daughter spending overnight, as as nice as a night to myself would be, I worry about my 9 month old and as nice as it would be to have a night to myself, everything I read warns against overnights for young children (even my 3 year old in some cases) and to just stick to lots of regular daytime visits to keep that bond. They would sleep at my home 6 nights a week.

And how does it work if I want to take the kids away for a weekend or a holiday somewhere? How can I build some flexibility into the agreement?

He's built his parenting plan around his work schedule, and it leaves me on standby all the time with no opportunity to work part time, or have regular activities, or even take an evening class, or even go out in the evenings without having to pay for a babysitting.

I'm trying to find a balance between making sure the kids are taken care of (priority) and rebuilding my life at the same time. Does that make sense?

He has been deemed abusive to me by my therapist and by CAS (I did not want them called or involved! grrr) so needless to say our relatioship is less than ideal but I'm trying best I can to keep the kids out of it and just let them enjoy their time with dad and mom seperately.

[dinkyface]

Unless you have some unusual circumstances, overnights and full weekends should be considered starting sometime between 12mo and 18mo, no later.

The time will pass very quickly, so I think you should be working out a final schedule that can last for at least a few years, and also agree on an interim schedule for the next few months. Maybe also think forward to how the proposed schedule will work when they start school.

Wakeup time, bathtime, bedtimes are precious bonding times...more intimate and physical and one-on-one than those more active daytime hours.

I agree also that this 'few hours at a time' schedule is putting more burden on you, and is a lot of exchanges for your little ones. Think about opportunities to minimize the number of handovers, and the number of times you need to see your ex in person (e.g. pickup/dropoff at daycare).

Your access schedule should include some description of how much vacation time each of you can take with the kids e.g. 2 one week periods, and 1 two week period per year. You get first choice in even years. 30 days notice required. If during school, other parent's agreement required. Plus describe how are you going to split xmas, easter, march break and other long weekends.

Notice that if you settle on a typical access schedule of EOWE + Weds overnight, then you can take 6 day trips across any of your weekends.