Missing my two beautiful daughters - can't handle it!

[serioustrainer]

I've been separated for about 7 months now. I see my two children every other weekend and any other time I want or can. My ex moved about 140KM away so it makes it hard to go see the kids every time I would like.

Just recently I had a week off from work and spent the whole time with my two children. This was two weeks ago. I've been a train wreck since. Cannot sleep. Questioning myself. Wondering if my children will love me as they grow up. I am not sure if the emotions are only because I miss them or if it is the thought of them growing up without me being there on a daily basis.

I would love some positive feedback on dealing with this. My ex is not mean and understands my needs to see the kids and their need to see me.

I am torn.

[HammerDad]

First, why did your ex move? Did you consent to the move, and did your ex make any concessions to you as you now have a longer travel time and fuel consumption to exercise your parenting time? You should at least be meeting 1/2 way or each parent picking up the children for their parenting in order to minimize the time/costs.

As for how you are feeling, I think it is normal. When I had my d5 for a few weeks in the summer, it was hard as hell to let her go. I missed her everyday, as I was so used to having her. I called it withdrawls. But it is normal, and so long as you stay as active and consistant as you can in their lives, they will grow up fine. Phone calls and stuff help, attending activities where possible all go a long way to remind them that you aren't going anywhere.

If in the future you can move a little closer, then that wouldn't be a bad thing either.

[billm]

Hard to see a situation such as yours validates her moving that far away - not acceptable!

Why was this move a good idea?

[serioustrainer]

She moved away to be close to her family. She does not have anyone in the area I live. I did offer for her to live in the house and I pay for everything. I even went so far to say I would live in a box to keep them down here. I do not blame her for that. It was my decision to call off the relationship. Found we we arguing to much about everything and nothing. As for her coming half way, she does not have a whole lot of money.

My big thing is learning to deal with all these emotions. It is really affecting my daily life.

I think I need to talk to some caring dads that have experienced what I am going through.

I live in Moncton, NB and am curious if there is some sort of support group for such a thing?

This is killing me.

[HammerDad]

So her being close to her family is more important then the children being close to their dad???!?!?!? Seriously??!?!!!! My friend, you had some guilt issues when you agreed to her moving that far away.

Unless you find a way to move closer to her or convince her that she should move the kids back to their familiar location, you have effectively relegated yourself to "visitor" status. Now, that isn't something that cannot be overcome with consistency and effort on your part. But you have to understand that the distance will always be a burden.

There are various Dads groups that you could probably google. I am not sure if FACT is out that way, but there may be something similar.

Another thing that you may benefit from is speaking to a counsellor yourself. I am not saying this regards to your bad decision to agree to the move, but the obvious guilt you are feeling for a) agreeing to the move and not seeing your daughters and b) ending the relationship to begin with. I hope you see that your guilt, for whatever reason, may be effecting you here and speaking to a professional may help you deal with it easier and come with a clearer head.

Outside of that, I always recommend a hobby. Get a gym membership, take up canoeing or something. Do something to occupy your time when you don't have your kids or are speaking to them.

If you were arguing and fighting as you describe, you did the right move to end the relationship. The children deserve to grow up in a happy environment and shouldn't be put in a stress situation. There is a saying I use to justify this, as I was in a similar situation with a controlling ex - "Two happy homes are better then one unhappy home". Your guilt right now just needs to be focused on being a better dad, making yourself happy and understanding that until you make efforts to get closer to your kids, you will have to live with your current situation. Does it suck? Yes. Is it your fault? Yes, to a point. You can't control where she is from or her relatives, but you sure do have some control about removing the kids from their familiar surroundings.

[serioustrainer]

Thank you all so far for the replies.

I was unaware of the rights I have to not allowing her to move. I did not know this. We are not separated on any legal document yet. We live separately.

I am trying to figure out a way for her to live near by. I cannot move to where she is as I would probably starve with very little work up that way.

[HammerDad]

I was unaware of the rights I have to not allowing her to move. I did not know this.

Just to clarify, you cannot restrict HER movement. However, you have a say in the location of the children.

If it were me, and she wanted to move, I would say "No problem, you can move to be closer to your family.......but the kids are staying here in the area they grew up and are familiar with or within a reasonable radius so that I can effectively exercise my parenting time."

It is unfortunate that you didn't know then, but it isn't the end of the world. Would it be possible to find a place somewhere in the middle to live so you commute like 30-40 minutes to work and then only be like 40 or so minutes to your kids?

[BitHunter]

Just to clarify, you cannot restrict HER movement. However, you have a say in the location of the children.

Then the battle begins, and doesn't matter who wins the legal part, both of you and the kids would loose much more. I think the current amicable relationship and that you can see your children whenever you want (and can) worth a lot! Sometimes somebody needs to move, and then one will have the children most of the time, the other will suffer.

140 km is not much. Not a pleasant drive, but doable, even daily. (many people drive that much just to go to work every day). Maybe later you will be able to move a bit closer. If you keep the amicable relationship with your ex, your children will love you. When you start a legal battle where both of you can only loose, you will not be able to see your kids whenever you want anymore and the start of some level of parental alienation is inevitable. Maybe you will be able to get 50% time with them, still you will miss them in the other 50%, but the financial/emotional/moral cost would be enormous.

You will need to learn how you cope with the feeling. Beer/lorazepam/cognitive behavior training in the correct order and dose will help. If you look around on this forum you will realize that many of us can only dream about a situation like yours!

[Teddie]

Just to clarify, you cannot restrict HER movement. However, you have a say in the location of the children.

If it were me, and she wanted to move, I would say "No problem, you can move to be closer to your family.......but the kids are staying here in the area they grew up and are familiar with or within a reasonable radius so that I can effectively exercise my parenting time."

It is unfortunate that you didn't know then, but it isn't the end of the world. Would it be possible to find a place somewhere in the middle to live so you commute like 30-40 minutes to work and then only be like 40 or so minutes to your kids?

Exactly what I would say too; if you find a place in the middle that would be a lot easier. I live in the city and my commute is still around 50 minutes each way, so 30-40 minutes is not so bad. Once you move make sure to get a separation agreement in place so that she can't move again.

[Teddie]

Exactly what I would say too; if you find a place in the middle that would be a lot easier. I live in the city and my commute is still around 50 minutes each way, so 30-40 minutes is not so bad. Once you move make sure to get a separation agreement in place so that she can't move again.

Also, document all of your time spent with the kids in the event that you ever do have a disagreement about custody and access. The fact you are able to the see the kids whenever you like is something you can use to your advantage. See them as much as possible and document everything, trust me, it could come in handy. I had to spend 10 thousand dollars in court costs to get my kids 50% of the time......take full advantage of the access you have now.

[HammerDad]

Then the battle begins

I respectfully disagree. The battle began when one parent determines that it was more important to move closer to their family for personal reasons/support then it is for the children to be within a reasonable vicinity to the other parent.

140km can be a very long time depending on whether it is rural roads vs highways, and also taking into consideration weather. NB isn't known for sunshine and mild weather in the winter.

While I do agree that we should, at all times, do what we can to maintain an amicable relationship with our ex. But that doesn't mean we have to fall on our sword and agree to becoming a visitor in our kids lives.

If I were to accept this move, I would have negotiated extra time in the summer and other holidays for lost midweek parenting time (it would be unreasonable to exercise midweek time, as 140km can be approx 2 hours each way at 80kph. So get there at 7pm for what, like an hour to 1.5 hours just to drive back home). I would have also negotiated that the ex do the lion share of the driving as it was not my determination to make such a move so I shouldn't be adversly effected financially.

Yes, I may have ultimately agreed if, when all options were weighed, it was in the kids best interests to move. But the move effects me and my time with my kids, so I have a say in how it goes down and concessions that need to be made in order for it to be feesible from my end. It sounds like here, the OP fell on his sword and is having "buyers remorse". Unfortunately there is little that can be done now outside of trying to mediate and negotiate with his ex for some extra time where possible and get a proper schedule and agreement hammered out.

[KeepSmiling]

You will need to learn how you cope with the feeling. Beer/lorazepam/cognitive behavior training in the correct order and dose will help. If you look around on this forum you will realize that many of us can only dream about a situation like yours!

What's wrong with Wine, scotch vodka, Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Crack, Shock therapy, Rebirthing .... In the right dosage, they all might work, and if taken all together, the problem would definitely be gone.

I would like to say "you're absolutely nuts", but I will correct that and say that what you say "is absolutely nuts" cause I don't know you.

[BitHunter]

dealing with the situation might need a legal solution but dealing with FEELINGS is not a legal question. It is mostly medical issue, and the things I mentioned are all designed/used effectively exactly for this. If he deals with the anxiety and stress successfully, he will be able to evaluate the situation with clear head. The problem will not be gone as you suggest, but after calming down he will be able to choose the next step wisely. Having a few beers with friends who understand the situation can be a lifesaver. Lorazepam taken occasionally under a physician's control can help you make better decisions what you wouldn't be able to make after 2 sleepless night and cognitive behavior training could help him see that seeing his kids whenever he wants is a wonderful thing, one of the best could happen after a divorce.

[dinkyface]

OP, you say this feeling of missing your kids is killing you? I have no idea of your personality or circumstances, but maybe you can ask yourself a few more questions, like what feelings are contributing to this? e.g. the abrupt loneliness/quiet when they are gone; worrying that they are happy/safe when they are with their mother; worrying that they will forget how much you love them (and vice versa) while they are gone; remorse or anger at the failed relationship that puts the kids in this split-life; I think that so many different things can be jumbled into this, and each has its own very different 'coping' method.

[HappyMomma]

I respectfully disagree. The battle began when one parent determines that it was more important to move closer to their family for personal reasons/support then it is for the children to be within a reasonable vicinity to the other parent.

Hm. I have to agree with rszalai on this one. Sounds like right now they have a very amicable situation. That can only benefit the children. Making this a fight will bring no good. Just about everyone in this forum can atest to that. As it's been pointed out by other threads - children are not our property. I would continue to talk to the mother about what changes can be made to make things easier but sounds to me like these kids are going to grow up knowing that they have two parents that love them! What could be better than that?

Serioustrainer - as for your feelings, they are completely normal but hang in there! You'll adjust and it will become more bearable. Change is always difficult.