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  • What should i do

    My daughter is preteen and has started to come over with a major attitude and when we try to correct it she screams at us saying she wants to go back to her mom's house and that she doesn't want to live here. What do we do? We try our best to make her home life here great we don't ask her to do much around the house since she doesn't spend all that much time with us to begin with. The only thing we ask her to do is to clean up after herself and to cut the attitude (the attitude she gives me is the same as her mom gives me- the I'm right attitude even when they are blatantly wrong).

    Part of me knows it's not wanting rules. I'm lost and don't want her feeling this way. What should I do?

  • #2
    Talk to her teachers, get some counselling.

    You're not going to get a good answer here.

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    • #3
      First of all, don't give in & give her her way; if you give in to 'keep the peace' and don't make her take responsibility for something so trivial (cleaning up after herself) it can only get worse.

      DTTE offered up the best advice.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by dadtotheend View Post
        Talk to her teachers, get some counselling.

        You're not going to get a good answer here.
        I second this, but also unfortunately you now have to realize she is a preteen and female... hard combo when you've got peer pressure, hormones and obviously your parents not together (no ones fault just life's messiness). The counselling is a great idea but don't be surprised when you still get the major attitude, welcome to having a preteen daughter! Only gets worse until she hits about 19/20.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Kimberley View Post
          First of all, don't give in & give her her way; if you give in to 'keep the peace' and don't make her take responsibility for something so trivial (cleaning up after herself) it can only get worse.
          Kimberley is right. I am having the exact same problem with my pre-teen son. Unfortunately, in the past both my ex and I have given in to 'keep the peace'.
          Now that I'm trying to hold him accountable, he doesn't want to come over anymore. I love my son with all my heart but by giving in, it only got worse. So now I'm holding firm and hoping that things will get better in the future.

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          • #6
            As a parent of a pre-teen female, I can tell you it's more age than anything else. Mine lives with me full time and 80% of the time the behaviour you described is what I get from her. Turns out she's the same way when she visits her dad where she has zero responsibilities at all but god forbid you ask her to do something and it's back to mom's house she wants!

            It's a ploy to make you feel like you're the most horrible parent in the world for asking/expecting even minor things from her. Part of it may be that she thinks she wants to have no rules but kids, especially teens, crave rules and guidelines and desperately need them. Be firm and strong, councilling for both of you may help as well, it's good for her to have an unbiased outlet for her anger and pre-teen angst.

            A book that I was given that really helped me out a lot is this one:

            How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk - Reader Review:

            It's very easy to get through and has some great perspective from both kids and parents and great tips for encouraging and improving communication.

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            • #7
              Amazon.com: Surviving Your Adolescents: How to Manage-and Let Go of-Your 13-18 Year Olds (9781889140087): Thomas W. Phelan PhD: Books

              This is a great book for managing teens. Runs off the same principles as 1-2-3 Magic for younger kids.

              It really is the age though.
              Last edited by Pharah; 01-03-2011, 04:42 PM.

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              • #8
                I hear you

                just wanted to let you know I have the same problem and that you are not alone. no idea what to do tho as I think it is a game to see which parent set gives in more
                hang in there.

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                • #9
                  Children, especially as they get to pre-teen ages, are testing their boundaries. It is a phase that most (not all, but definitely most) go through, that parental rebellion. A family therapist can help you learn why, as well as how to react to the behaviour. If you are in Ottawa, there is a great one in Billings Bridge, as well as another in Kanata that I recommend strongly...

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                  • #10
                    My 11 year old step daughter does this. Nothing new. Just don't play the games and make sure any consequences to the actions are enforceable.

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                    • #11
                      I have a teenage daughter as well and even though she is a happy well adjusted kid for the most part she does have her moments. I would not blame it on the parents split but if this is the case you should re-evaluate your behaviour as a parent and see what you bring to the table.

                      Blinkandiamgome- had it right, teenagers do crave boundries and rules. You have to set your boundries with your child and make sure you stick to them. I know that it is hard because you do not get to see her as often as you would like. I would not let them get away with speaking to you like that or being a slob though. Make sure you always follow through on whatever punishment you use to correct this behaviour.

                      Kids this age are also trying to gain their own identity and looking for indepenance. Try not to take it personally when they suddenly do not want to spend as much time with you. Let them grow up.

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