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  • Sole Custody?

    Quick background on what is going on, I am currently expecting my first child. When my partner and I found out for some reason he flipped and has done nothing except leave me and try to verbally "force" me to abort the pregnancy I am 7months now and am trying to get everything straightened out information wise about legal actions before the baby is born so it's less worry and stress.
    My partner is now living back at his parents and I have not heard from him in 4months since I cut off communication due to unneeded stress he was causing.
    I am wondering when and how I should go about getting sole custody of my daughter once she is born. I know it's early yet but I just need as much information as I can get ahead of time. I have a feeling that just to be a jerk my ex will cause an issue. The only reason for this issue not being because he wants anything to do with his daughter but because I am receiving assistance from the government right now which they will force me to go for child support in order to keep getting assistance.
    Please if anyone has any suggestions or input it would be greatly appreciated, I just want to do what is best for the well being of my daughter.

    Also on a side note - I have no problem with visitations or something like that, I would love for my daughter to have a relationship with her father but it just really doesn't seem like he has the maturity for that; proven by he actions.

  • #2
    Best for your daughter is a relationship with both parents, as per every study out there, unless there is issue of abuse or other pertinent matters that would affect a custody issue. As you are receiving assistance, they will represent you in court, and likely encourage sole custody with either "reasonable and generous access, as agreed between the parties" or access at a supervised access center. If you can agree to it without too much stress for either party, I would also consider having the father spend the first month or so learning to parent at your home, to allow the security for the child, and the assistance if needed for him.

    Good luck!

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    • #3
      Oh for sure having her grow up with both parents involved is what is best for her. I have absolutely NO issue with that, I am not trying to keep her from him I am only trying to protect her. It is him who has shown no interest. I am just trying to think ahead that if I don't push for sole custody right away what if heaven forbid something happens down the road. Also I wouldn't have an issue with having him being around her right away, it's just with him being so negative and still pushing for an abortion even though it's definitely not happening I do not know how to reach back out to him now to approach the subject. I know this may seem irrelevant but his reaction the first 5months of my pregnancy scared me and I am very cautious with how I approach him in the future. I don't want to make a mistake that could have been avoided with the proper knowledge.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by mama2bee View Post
        Oh for sure having her grow up with both parents involved is what is best for her. I have absolutely NO issue with that, I am not trying to keep her from him I am only trying to protect her. It is him who has shown no interest. I am just trying to think ahead that if I don't push for sole custody right away what if heaven forbid something happens down the road. Also I wouldn't have an issue with having him being around her right away, it's just with him being so negative and still pushing for an abortion even though it's definitely not happening I do not know how to reach back out to him now to approach the subject. I know this may seem irrelevant but his reaction the first 5months of my pregnancy scared me and I am very cautious with how I approach him in the future. I don't want to make a mistake that could have been avoided with the proper knowledge.
        I am hoping not to judge or offend...I was a single parent when my son was born, and had an absent father for the first 5 years. Expect a request for a paternity test (all the walk-aways do this), and try to give him the benefit of the doubt...while he may not be ready to be a parent NOW, there may come a time. Also, when your child is born, you will either have to have him sign as the father, or list "father unknown". It is a heart-wrenching step in the process for some, so be aware. If you have no issues with him having that parenting ability, why aren't you considering Joint Custody with Primary Residency going to you?

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        • #5
          Only reason I am not considering it now is because there has been no effort made on his end. Would be different if he was involved and not causing so many problems I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Now though I am worried about doing joint custody and him purposely causing issues just in a way to get back at me for not "doing as he told me to do".

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          • #6
            So you are thinking selfishly about what it MIGHT mean to you?

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            • #7
              If he really is as disinterested as you think, then beware of making access (visitation) a valued commodity to him by witholding it. So the 'trick' is to offer access, and be flexible (within reason of course) in facilitating access (so he doesn't perceive that you are controlling it) and perhaps he will decide that it is not so important to him to show up for visits.

              But then again... you might be completely wrong and he'll fall in love with his baby and decide to become an involved father. He's a jerk to you... but that's nothing to do with the relationship he'll have his child.

              Get over the idea that he cannot care for a young infant for extended periods and overnights. You would be so wrong, though I understand it tears at the maternal heart to believe it.
              Last edited by dinkyface; 11-08-2010, 09:04 PM.

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              • #8
                Oh no sorry that came off way wrong, I could care less what he say thinks or does concerning me. I am concerned that say heaven forbid something ever came up that our daughter needs a choice made he would purposely disagree with me just because he could. And yes dinkyface I do hope that he turns around once she is born and love her and move past all this foolishness. I am sorry if I came across as it sounding selfish, I am only worried that if I do not push for sole custody then she may end up suffering in the end out of pettiness. I know this may all sound silly but right now I am just worried about the what if's and worst case scenario's. All I have to go on is his previous actions up to now, could this all change? Yes and I truly hope so but in case it doesn't I want to be prepared to know what to do.
                InterprovincialParents, you have been a great help and I appreciate it so much. You've given me a lot to think about that I haven't thought of yet.
                Yes right now I am probably seeming up and down with my approach to this I just want to make it clear that if the father can be a positive influence with our daughter, can love her and put her first then by all means I am more than happy to share responsibilities with him. I am just scared of that not being the case.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by mama2bee View Post
                  I am just trying to think ahead that if I don't push for sole custody right away what if heaven forbid something happens down the road.
                  I am curious to know what that potential 'something' might be. He will either want to be involved or not. If he does then fantastic, best scenario for the child. If he doesn't, you can't force him to, not in the best interest of the child but you can't make someone be a parent when they don't want to be. As long as he is taking care of his financial responsibilities in supporting the child that's pretty much all he is obligated to do.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                    I am curious to know what that potential 'something' might be.
                    Could be anything as mundane as what school she will go to, what religion or anything like that but also if a health issue came up.
                    I'm going to be a first time mom at the age of 20, I am scared and only want to gather as much info as I can to fall back on if I need it. Ive seen the worst case scenario happen with a friend and I just want to be prepared.

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                    • #11
                      Ok, I can see how those things could be a concern for you but you also have to consider that even if he had embraced the pregnancy, you could still have ended up disagreeing on those things and have to work it out.

                      I assume he is fairly young as well, have you heard from his family at all? Do they support your choice and want to have a relationship with the child? You might try talking with his parents and letting them know that you of course want them to be a part of the baby's life.

                      Being pregnant when you're young can seem like a very scarey time, especially for a lot of men but having a child changes your whole life and who you are. You may be very surprised to find he does come around and want to be a part of the baby's life. He may not choose to be a part of yours - if that door is even open for you - however you will have to work together to be the best parents you can be for the baby.

                      ETA: You can't expect the courts to give you all the rights because he MIGHT screw something up in the future. It just doesn't work that way.
                      Last edited by blinkandimgone; 11-08-2010, 09:33 PM. Reason: the voices told me to...

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                      • #12
                        His family does not know about my pregnancy, he decided not to tell them and I did not think it was my place to.

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                        • #13
                          That's a tough spot to be in for sure. His family may well want to be a part of the child's life and in my opinion, they have the right to know the child exists and make that choice for themselves. He can make whatever choices he wants to make but doesn't have the right to make the same choice for everyone else. Grr!
                          Last edited by blinkandimgone; 11-08-2010, 09:41 PM. Reason: the voices told me to...

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                            That's a tough spot to be in for sure. His family may well want to be a part of the child's life and in my opinion, they have the right to know the child exists and make that choice for themselves. He can make whatever choices he wants to make but doesn't have the right to make the same choice for everyone else. Grr!
                            I agree full heartedly, I just didn't feel it was my place to tell them but I have been thinking about it more and more as I get closer to my due date.
                            Thank you very much for the insight,

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                            • #15
                              Mama2Be

                              First of all, let me say, CONGRATULATIONS on your baby girl. How wonderful for you, and sad that the father has chosen to not be around for this.

                              I can only speak from my own personal and similar experience. When I was 18 I had my first son, when I was 5 months pregnant the father (who is just in the last year now my ex husband), left me high and dry. As I was still in high school, needless to say, this was something that left me feeling alone and abandoned.

                              After many months of discussions with my parents, sleepless nights and crying myself to sleep, I came to the conclusion that the best thing for my baby was to give it up for adoption. A month before I was due, I contacted my ex to let him know of my plans. He called me back a few days later and stated that he would take the baby and give him to his aunt and uncle to raise. I had planned on a closed adoption and this certainly was no where near being acceptable to me. I again felt trapped. I talked it over with my parents and we decided right there and then that we would keep the baby.

                              My ex started calling a couple of weeks before I had my son and asked if he could come see me. I allowed it and he actually happened to be out to lunch with me when I went into labor. After I had the baby, my ex moved in with me and my parents and stayed for another month (he had joined the United States Marine Corps a few months earlier and was scheduled to go to boot camp).

                              To make a long story short...he turned out to be a wonderful father. We got back together, married, had 2 more sons and had a wonderful 18 years together.

                              I am not offering false hope here - I am simply saying - he has the opportunity to become an amazing father. Lets cross our fingers and hope he realizes what is most important.

                              Comment

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