Re-introduction Access

[representingself]

Hypothetical...

If you are in a situation where it has been many, many years since the child and bio-logical father have had contact... how would you go about re-introducing them.

The child is not comfortable with meeting him alone.

[standing on the sidelines]

i would suggest the first visits be short ones until the child is more comfortable. Maybe lunch or something like that? Gradually build up the time as the child becomes more comfortable. If you force it on the child then it will not be a good experience for any one involved.

[InterprovincialParents]

Having been through this, this was how I handled it:

First meeting, both parents present. Child aged 5. Lunch at a McDonald's with a playland. This allowed the child to participate with each parent as much or as little as his comfort allowed, and gave me (CP) the reassurance that child is safe.

Next day: 2 hours alone with NCP.

Next day: 6 hours

Child had no ill affects, I encouraged full days on the weekend.

Next: Full Weekend, including overnights.

On the other side, with stepdaughter...and more acrimony between the parents;

1 hour with counsellor and child, approved for regular...
then 2 hours with parents at a park
then 2 hours at same park without CP
then 3 hrs, then 4, then 5, then 6, then 7, then 8...etc...

It depends on the child's age, maturity, and the propensity of the parents to ensure it is a positive experience...and each child is different, as are each set of parents.

[AnarX]

The child is not comfortable with meeting him alone.

What is wrong with the child?
or
How has the child been prejudiced?


Unless this child has been living in a bubble, chances are pretty good that he meets a new adult every single day of his life. I doubt he cowers in fear when he walks down the street or goes to the mall. Why should a meeting with his father be overly dramatized?

[mrsb]

Started with one Sunday a month 2 hours at access center. Then 3 hours, 4 hours. Moved to "alone visits" for 4 hours one Sunday per month, then every other Sunday for about a year. Than over night every other week. I tried to follow the lead of what my kids felt comfortable with. This was a high conflict/abuse situation though. I found having a 3rd party present a lot easier as did my children. The process took about 18 months.

[mrsb]

To Anarx, there may be several valid reasons the child is not comfortable. None of them relating to somthing being wrong with the child. This is not just any other adult.

[AnarX]

MrsB or RepresentingWhoever,
Do you not think that those extra details change the hypothetical question? I do.

If you are looking for a general rule, there is none. You know that. It makes more sense to provide more details so that other people can give you a useful.

So, tell us about this adult. Why is the child uncomfortable?

[representingself]

What is wrong with the child?
or
How has the child been prejudiced?


Unless this child has been living in a bubble, chances are pretty good that he meets a new adult every single day of his life. I doubt he cowers in fear when he walks down the street or goes to the mall. Why should a meeting with his father be overly dramatized?

Wow..... you are wound a bit too tight...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the child.... nor has she been prejudiced in any way.

And she certainly does not fear her bio-logical Father...

[representingself]

MrsB or RepresentingWhoever,
Do you not think that those extra details change the hypothetical question? I do.

If you are looking for a general rule, there is none. You know that. It makes more sense to provide more details so that other people can give you a useful.

So, tell us about this adult. Why is the child uncomfortable?

The "hypothetical" part of my post was the re-introduction.

Even though we have been going through court for over a year, and I have offered to facilitate access... he is not interested.

When we have discussed the possibility of seeing her biological Father, she has expressed discomfort, in that it has been 9 years since they have seen each other, and she wouldn't know what to say, or what to talk about.

If you were a 13 year old child who hadn't seen your Father since you were 4 and had no recollection of him whatsoever... wouldn't you be a bit nervous?

[standing on the sidelines]

What is wrong with the child?
or
How has the child been prejudiced?


Unless this child has been living in a bubble, chances are pretty good that he meets a new adult every single day of his life. I doubt he cowers in fear when he walks down the street or goes to the mall. Why should a meeting with his father be overly dramatized?

spending time one on one with someone you hardly know vs passing by someone in a mall is very different.

[InterprovincialParents]

ok...so child is 13? That helps...

***Let the child pick the activity and perhaps even the pace***

You can start as slowly as an email, then to chat function, then to telephone...and if she is nervous about the face-to-face meeting, suggest that she be able to bring a friend or two along.

I have half-siblings that are older than me, and when my parents split and my father died, I did not see them for 9 years. When I did, it was because I chose to, over my mother's objections. I took two friends with me, and travelled to meet all of them. It was very VERY awkward for me, in large part due to the age gap between us (oldest is 22 yrs older than me).

Having my friends with me helped to ease the awkwardness, brought more to the conversations, as they could contribute to my siblings about my life, hobbies, habits, etc...It made a big difference for me, and it might for this child as well.

[AnarX]

The "hypothetical" part of my post was the re-introduction.

Even though we have been going through court for over a year, and I have offered to facilitate access... he is not interested.

He is not interested in what?
Is he completely disinterested in meeting his own child?
or
Is he completely disinterested in meeting his child under "re-introduction access" or your specified terms?

If you were a 13 year old child who hadn't seen your Father since you were 4 and had no recollection of him whatsoever... wouldn't you be a bit nervous?

So what? When I was 13 I was nervous standing up in front of class to say a speech.

spending time one on one with someone you hardly know vs passing by someone in a mall is very different.

Big deal.

Wow..... you are wound a bit too tight...

With reason. All I get out of this thread is a passive aggressive foreshadowing of impending doom upon meeting this child's father but when I ask you to tell us about the father, you tell us nothing.

[standing on the sidelines]

i do not get the same message of impending doom that you seem to be getting. The child is nervous, that is understandable. Put yourself in the kids shoes, Dad wanted nothing to do with them for a lot of years. Do you figure that just because he is the bio-dad that they will have an instant connection?? It is up to the CP to make this less stressful for their child.

"Is he completely disinterested in meeting his child under "re-introduction access" or your specified terms?"

To me any father that really wants to see his child and spend time with them would do it. He would understand that jumping back into a childs life after so long will be stressful for the child and want to do what he could to make it less stressful for them.

[dadtotheend]

Unless this child has been living in a bubble, chances are pretty good that he meets a new adult every single day of his life. I doubt he cowers in fear when he walks down the street or goes to the mall. Why should a meeting with his father be overly dramatized?

You don't meet your father (or mother) who has been absent from your life for 9 years every day. There would definitely be lot of pressure, anxiety and a host of other emotions at work for the child vs the regular casual occurence of meeting other people.

I get where you are headed with the idea that kids meet new people every day, but you have to give some recognition to the very high degree of stress that will be present for a child who is at least 9 years old, probably has many questions about the situation, doesn't know how to ask them, and is generally going to understandably be a bit of a wreck in this pressure cooker.

[blinkandimgone]

I think there's also the 'what if he/she doesn't like me?' concern for the kids in this situation. If it's just a teacher, babysitter or any other adult the kid probably wouldn't care near as much but the fear of rejection from ones' own parent can be pretty stressfull.