Compelling Communication

[Simcoe]

I have joint custody of DD with my Ex. Her primary residence is with me. My Ex hasn't been happy with the way things have progressed with regard to which school DD is attending. The School Board dictated that she attend the school within the boundaries of her primary residence, which is the school by my place.

Since this has happened he has, on a number of occasions, called me at work and on my cell phone to yell at me and hang up on me. As a result of this abuse, I asked that all communication be in writing, via text or email. He has refused to comply. I had sent him an email regarding the over $1k he owes me and told him that if I didn't receive either a cheque or a detailed written payment plan by the end of the week, I would be forced to file with FRO and take him to small claims court.

He responded by once again calling me at work, stating that he has nothing to say to me if I won't talk to him and that he refuses to communicate via email or text. Then he hung up on me before I had a chance to say anything.

DD has had medical/dental/ortho appointments that are scheduled on his access time and he has refused to acknowledge these appointments, leaving me to scramble at the last minute to get her to them.

Is there any way I can legally compel him to provide written communication with regards to our DD and finances? I refuse to be yelled at and hung up on and have provided a solution. He refuses to cooperate.

Could this be a good reason to go for sole custody? I believe that joint custody presumes cooperation and communication between the parents.

Apart from following through on what I said I was going to do, I have no idea how to co-parent with someone who refuses to cooperate!

[InterprovincialParents]

lol...starting to discuss money owing, threatening him with court action and FRO enforcement, and you expect him to want to communicate and be reasonable with you?

Change your style of parenting...and don't automatically assume that because two people (yes, that includes YOU) cannot communicate, one should be granted sole custody.

[InterprovincialParents]

As for the appointments, etc...send him an email outlining the month's appointments, and ask which ones you will need to provide transportation for, rather than dictating. One parent is not entitled to schedule appointments during the other parent's time with the child...could that be the issue here?

As for communication, add that you will not discuss financial matters via telephone, and that you will no longer take calls from him. Inform him that all communication shall be done via email only. Then don't answer the phone.

[Pharah]

Simcoe:

In our case, we have simply set the appropriate boundaries in writing stating that all communication be child focused and via email unless in cases of emergency. If a call is made, we let it go to voice mail and respond via email with a reminder of our expectations.

On the matter of conflict, you are creating conflict with your ex using threats. I would suggest taking some parental education courses via Family Services (For the children's Sake, if available) to help educate you on how to communicate with your ex and reduce conflict around your children.

On the matter of scheduling, you are not entitled to schedule appointments for your children during their access with their Father. As suggested above, send an email to him and ask what appointments he would like attend or ask that he arrange appointments for those visits himself.

Lastly, it is my understanding that sole custody is only granted if there is a safety concern and you would need supporting evidence such as OCL or CAS to prove that. Lack of communication or conflict does not equal sole custody.

For more information, I recommend reaching Parallel Parenting or check out The Psycho Ex Wife, Divorcing Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder. (great site)

[NBDad]

I had sent him an email regarding the over $1k he owes me and told him that if I didn't receive either a cheque or a detailed written payment plan by the end of the week, I would be forced to file with FRO and take him to small claims court.

You were out of line with this. Threats only add fuel to the fire. If he refuses to pay, file with FRO and eliminate the back and forth crap that ensues.

If there are arrears owing, you have a process you can follow to be reimbursed if it's an issue. File with FRO and they'll collect the arrears for you.

DD has had medical/dental/ortho appointments that are scheduled on his access time and he has refused to acknowledge these appointments, leaving me to scramble at the last minute to get her to them.

If he won't acknowledge or cooperate with you, then document the fact that the visits were missed, and start scheduling them on your time. You know he's going to be uncooperative right now, that's a constant variable you can account for.

Just because he won't work WITH you doesn't mean either of you has grounds for sole custody. You might have grounds for residential care and control as well as arguing final say on medical and education issues given his history of non-compliance with appointments.

Research Parallel Parenting, and STOP answering the phone. If he's harassing you at work, have your boss answer and tell him to stop, or call the police and report it. They won't do much in the beginning, but if he continues it, you pestering them is going to eventually annoy them to the point they should at least call him and tell him to lay off.

[rwm1273]

I agree that you have added fuel to the fire.

If you have problems with support, file the order with FRO. In other provinces it is automatically filed with them. It makes some upset, but it removes you from the argument.

As for the school issue, you have primary care of the child, and therefore the child goes to school in your jurisdiction. If there is any communication then try to find a reasonable solution such as a school half way between the two homes, or see if there is a busing option so neither parent needs to drive.

If you provide the doctors appointment info, and the other parent does not take the child, then you have some issues you can take back to court and ask for a change with.

It has been pointed out that you were dictating in your communication. Was your ex irresponsible in the marriage, or are you now just angry with him? You need to limit your communication to the bare facts about the child. If the other parent needs more info, they will ask. If they try to get you into a heated discussion, don't do it. Just keep your comments to the bare facts needed for the child.

I used to have problems with my ex and emails. I stopped having problems when I would reply to her rants with "Thank you for your email however it is not accurate." No more problems.

[Simcoe]

Pharah, thank you for that website! I'll be reading a lot tonight. I've TRIED to set the boundary, but he refuses to respect it. He likes to try to engage me and yell and scream and stomp his feet in an effort to get his own way.

NBDad, I will research parallel parenting and not answer the phone. Thank you for the suggestion.

The threats were an attempt to get him to respond to the conversations and emails I've been sending him for 3 months now regarding DD's ortho expenses, and med expenses which I paid for and submitted the receipts to him to get reimbursement from his insurance co. (I don't have my own plan due to contract work). I also went to the dentist and the $$$ I paid to the dentist back in July was deposited into HIS bank account a few days later. He is trying to profit off of $$$ I spend and am to be reimbursed for. And I am quite prepared to act on those threats. They were NOT made lightly.

As for the appointments, he has constantly stated that he wants to be involved in EVERYTHING related to DD. He has access from 4-7 pm Mon-Thurs and every other weekend, so it's difficult to schedule appointments at other times when DD will not miss school. I think he just deletes the emails I send him without reading them. I have no desire to speak to someone who is so obviously out of control.

I'd really like some constructive suggestions on how to deal with this. Judgement of my parenting is not helpful. This is a guy who screamed at me that our DD11 needs to 'suck it up' with regards to her ADHD and special needs at school because it means he has to drive a 35-40 minute round-trip to pick her up from school (the same round-trip I do to pick her up each evening). He's worried about his best interests, not hers and has proved it on many occasions to many people. Due to his own behaviour, the principal of her new school had to have a talk with him that the case conference we had was about her, not him and warn him that he would be asked to leave if he did not focus on DD's needs. He also thinks an 11 year-old needs to know the details of our divorce and told her when we were going to court. She completely lost it at school that day. I could go on and on.

I agreed to this ridiculous access schedule in an effort to minimize conflict. I have tolerated a lot of other concessions as well in DD's best interests. I will not tolerate being screamed at. That's where my line is drawn.

She is my world and practically everything I do is focused on her. I could really use some constructive advice.

rmw1273 (hope I got that right), my emails are absolutely professional. There is no ranting or raving, just facts.

[rwm1273]

That is great your emails may be professional and about the child, but if you are countering his every rant, then you are engaging him in the argument, and the cycle continues.

Do reply with what is wrong with his arguments, just don't engage him. If the issue is about a doctor's appointment, just inform him of the date and time and location. Nothing more needed. When he rants back about the situation, just reply back with a "thank you for your concerns", or "thank you for your comments, however they there are not accurate."

You will have accomplished several things. You are communicating, and it will make him angry that he can't engage you into a ping pong of opinions. And within a short time the emails will calm down. And it will also remove any ammunition he may have for court to claim you are controlling.

I learned this the hard way. But since learning this, the few emails she has taken to court have hurt her credibility, not mine.