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  • Ex won't give her new address.

    We have 50/50 custody. The ex works nights and leaves the children with her mom on her nights with the children. Her mother has recently moved and the ex refuses to give me her new adress. Is there any way that I can find out? Her reasoning is that "it is none of my business." I would like to have a phone number and adress for emergencies or just in case I have to get in touch with the children. There is no reason to keep their address secret (no history of violence or harrassment). I have picked the kids up in the past at her mother's house and always been on decent terms with them both. I would never keep her from knowing where her kids sleep 50% of the time... Any ideas?
    thanks!

  • #2
    She is required to provide to you the contact information for any caregivers. Without grounds of violence, or abuse, that is both a custodial right and a right of the access parent as it pertains to the health and well-being of your child. Write her a letter (or email) asking specifically for what you want. If she refuses, then your option is mediation/arbitration or court...

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    • #3
      Thank you. I figured as much. Just don't want to go to court!
      (:

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      • #4
        Does anyone know of any alternatives to going to mediation/arbitration to get this information? If we could find any sort of legal form it would be much easier than going the long route - she will (as has proved in the past) bankrupt herself and her mother to play legal games. We could end up in mediation every other day for months...

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        • #5
          Write her an email (her responding is not necessary, you just need to get a date/time stamp that shows it was sent) requesting the information by X date...if she refuses, file a motion with the court to have it provided...if she has a history of playing games, then perhaps request a change in custody/access as she isn't acting in the children's best interests.

          At minimum, request to put into place "the right of first refusal" for any child care requirement exceeding 4 hours.

          Did you try doing a search for the mother via Canada411?

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          • #6
            Yes, tried all sorts of ways on the computer to get the address. Short of a stealth mission to follow her to her mom's, I can't come up with anything. We wrote an email 2 days ago and gave her a Tueday deadline (the next time that the kids will be staying with her mom overnight).

            How do you file a motion with the court to have the info provided? Which form?

            Is "the right of first refusal" for any child care requirement exceeding 4 hours a fairly standard thing? Can we file the paperwork ourselves or do we need a lawyer? I am not interested in a long court battle (again)... at least not yet.

            Sorry for all of the questions!

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            • #7
              Originally posted by lumpy View Post
              Is "the right of first refusal" for any child care requirement exceeding 4 hours a fairly standard thing?
              Yes it is.

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              • #8
                "Right of First Refusal"

                The Judge at our Case Conference said that it was a sad day indeed when a term from Real Estate Law makes its way into Family Law.

                The Judge didn't give that request from my ex a second thought.

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                • #9
                  The Judge at our Case Conference said that it was a sad day indeed when a term from Real Estate Law makes its way into Family Law.
                  Your judge was an idiot...it's a "contract law" term and has been used fairly commonly in this regard for close to a decade at least.

                  It's also pretty common in joint/shared custody situations. It amounts to if one parent is needing child care beyond X amount of time, the other parent is supposed to get first dibs on taking the kids. It's based on the principle that time spent with a parent is better than spent at a sitter.

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                  • #10
                    And what are the criteria for "needing child care? My problem with "first right of refusal" is that if my child wishes to play with a friend and goes over to their house, and I go to the office to get some work done - my ex screams at me because I didn't "offer" the time to him. Or if Grandma would like to see her grandson and the child goes for a sleepover - was I first supposed to offer the sleepover to the father.

                    First right of refusal only works when parents are can communicate and are on a somewhat amicable basis. Otherwise, it's just too hard to pin down exactly how it should work.

                    And if they are amicable, then you shouldn't need it, and if their not - just stick to the schedule.

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                    • #11
                      Neither of your examples would invoke right of first refusal.

                      First one is a playdate....second one is a visit with the grandparents.

                      It'd be more of a "I am going out with the girls and hired a 16 year old kid to watch my child while I go have a good time"

                      Basically any time you would need an actual BABYSITTER....the other parent is supposed to be offered the time instead if applicable. (Obviously if the other parent lives a fair bit away, then it's not always doable)

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                      • #12
                        We put in wording about if it was for 3 hours or more, something like that. As much as we snipe at each other, we both understand what the clause means, that it refers to a babysitter, and co-operate with it.

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                        • #13
                          One note here...on an issue like this that may go to the court, you may have a better shot at sending your request via courier, since you then have proof...a touchy-and too often won-defense is that the email never was received...prove it If emailing, request a read receipt...but even there, she has the option of saying no and you are back to proving it...

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                          • #14
                            Registered mail or fax works good too.

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                            • #15
                              Does she have a lawyer? If so, send the request to the lawyer, if not send her a registered letter to the ex asking for the address. Give a date that it needs to be returned by. Have an affidavit and notice of motion ready to be served on the next day after the deadline. In the notice of motion ask for costs. Then go to court. When you are in court, the judge will be pissed about the trivial issue, but point out the ongoing difficulty you are having. If the judge is interested in what you have to say, maybe point out that a custody change is in order. If the ex is always difficult, and also having the kids looked after by everyone but herself, then maybe she should be the non custodial parent.

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