friendly exs sorting out support & custody

[country girl]

I told the ex a few weeks ago that I am getting re-married and will be moving to New Brunswick. He has agreed to let me move and that I get sole custody of our 3 year old son but we have differences of opinion over support. He feels that because I am getting remarried and moving out of province that my fiancee is becoming the new father and therefore assumes all responsibility for the "expenses" of our son and in turn letting the ex off the hook from paying support since he will not be be spending any time with his son. (Even now it has only been 1 phone call a week and a visit when ex feels guilty.) The ex surmises that I am getting my cake and eating it too having sole custody and child support. I think that regardless of getting remarried or not that he has a financial responsibility to his son until age 18. Our Mediator even gave us an excel table to use for splitting expense amounts which has helped immensely.

I am now on my feet financially after struggling for 3 years while the ex never kept regular support payments and is in arrears of $7000+. Now he is struggling financially and in school on Second Careers with debt accumulating again. Truthfully I probably will not ever see the money and budgeted without his payments...Do I just take the custody and walk away or fight for him to take responsibility for the first time in his life?

Our divorce went through very quickly as I did not fight it but custody and support were never addressed. We do get along and can talk things out but are lost on how to proceed as the courts seem to be based on people that do not get along.

Any direction would be great....

[Rioe]

As I understand things, child support is the right of the child, and not yours to give up. This is his son, this is his responsibility, even if he never wants to see the child again, sad as that is. He should be happy that you and your new husband will be able to be good parents and provide for his son, but that doesn't excuse him from any responsibility for financial support as per the guidelines. Granted, if he is struggling financially, there won't be child support while his income is too low, but in the future, that may change and you would want your son to benefit from the support your ex could provide down the road.

[Mess]

If you want to be done with it, you and he and your new husband can agree that the new husband will adopt the child. That will free your ex of any responsibilities or connections. If not, then he is responsible for support. Access and support have nothing to do with each other (unless it is equal physical custody between both parents.)

If you express it in this way, and express that you will not agree to an adoption, then this will make it clearer to him that he can't just say no because the child is moved away.

[representingself]

If you push the support issue, he may change his mind and refuse to give you permission to move.

If he is already facing substantial arrears, and struggling to re-educate himself for employment, it could take years before he is able to make consistent payments.

Your friendly disposition towards each other could rapidly deteriorate.

[logicalvelocity]

In your plan to uproot, you make no mention of how you will support your three year old's child's relationship with their parent and who pays for the child's or the other parent's travel expense to foster and consolidate the existing relationship considering it is you that is moving to a new location.

What you did mention is your expectation of the parent to pay child support which you are making it very difficult for your child to foster a relationship with their other parent considering the move.

No surprise the other parent appears to be bailing.

[dadtotheend]

Something's fishy here.

What the law says about mobility issues and CS does not trump what two agreeable parents decide as far as what is best for their child. The law says that he could probably block your move to NB. It also says that he owes CS.

But if you two get along, if you are going to remarry and have another income in your household, and he is agreeable to the move, why can't you cut a deal that reduces or eliminates CS? Yes, CS is a right of the child, but so is access to the father. You seem to be OK with cutting off his access, why not CS? I realize that in the law CS has nothing to do with access. What about in your morality?

Statements like "I told the ex a few weeks ago that I am getting re-married and will be moving to New Brunswick." and "Do I just take the custody and walk away or fight for him to take responsibility for the first time in his life?" imply that there's more to this than meets the eye. You don't just tell him you're moving his child away from him. He has a say here. And what does his level of irresponsiblity have to do with this?

The reality is you could screw him over if you want by moving, establishing a status quo down east, and then demanding the table amount of CS. But the bad feelings and possible court involvement down the road probably aren't going to be best for the child.

You say you are back on your feet. You say he is retraining (i.e. taking responsiblity?). Cut him a deal whereby you revisit the CS again after he has re-established a career, and in good faith consider a reduced amount of CS down the road.

[NBDad]

In order for a divorce to go through there are a couple things that either need to be addressed or there has to be a pending court action already.

Custody/access
Support
Division of marital assets.

This stuff HAD to be dealt with for you to get a divorce. So your story doesn't quite add up.

It's very easy to block a move, and you should really consider agreeing to lower his cd obligation by a proportional amount of his increased access costs.

[dadtotheend]

You can sever the corollary issues i.e. Custody/access, Support and Division of marital assets from the divorce and have the divorce granted.

[blinkandimgone]

How does one do that?

[country girl]

The divorce did go through in 2007 without custody, support or a parenting agreement. 2009 I had to start court proceedings for custody, support and parenting agreement because he was not taking me seriously or paying support while he was making good money and I was struggling to make ends meet even after cutting out the "extras".

During mediation in December 2009 he agreed to make weekly phone calls/Skype with his son, 1 visit a month (leading up to 1 over night stays starting May), an amount for child support and portion of daycare fees. What has come out this in actuality is inconsistent phone calls, inconsistent visits, no overnights and I just cashed March's child support. He says that he will make $70-80 K/year once graduating but also tells me that he may need to go on welfare if he can't find a job. He promises the world but never follows through.

With his current schooling for power generation the ex told me in the spring that he must go where the job is and was hoping to go to Alberta. He had no issues with not spending time with his son, paying child, and weekly phone calls/Skype to son until he is old enough to travel by himself. So what is the difference if I move and he stays put?

He has been living in his parent's basement for 1 year, plays paintball a few times a month, has time for BBQs (even was in town for one without a visit or call) and was showing me his new I phone. It is really hard to know what to believe since his actions are different from what he is telling me.

Somebody told me that I should pursue joint custody but get sole guardianship. What does this mean?

[Deputy Daddy]

If your new man is willing to adopt, then please reconsider proposing that to your ex. You wouldn't be getting child support from the ex, if you ever receive anything anyway, but you'd be free and clear of him. He could become a real pain in the ass if you remove the no-child support insentive from him. Is it really worth a few hundred$$ to be tied to your ex, and him have some input on anything to do with your son for the next 18 years?

DD

[InterprovincialParents]

As you are the parent moving, you need to look at how you will foster your child's relationship with his father from a distance...and the courts often do reduce child support when access costs are increased due to a custodial parent's relocation.

Part of your job, as custodial parent, is to "facilitate and encourage access". Have you even discussed with the amicable ex how you will do this?

As for him, yes, he has a responsibility to his child-not to you-for child support. However, from the sounds of things, if he were to apply to the court for a reduction of arrears or a lessened amount, he would likely win based on his financial circumstances and the fact that you are moving. If you want him to be a part of his child's life, start facilitating and encouraging...if not, why not look at adoption by your spouse?

[country girl]

My schedule has always been rearranged to accomodate the ex and try to increase the access to his son but he either is a no show (says he forgets) or cancels at the last minute. 2 years ago after changing the plans with my family for Christmas to accommodate him he cancelled last minute and it was late January by the time the presents were done....Just me and my son for Christmas in the end.

I have stopped oraganizing visits as it is his choice whether he wants to spend time with his son or not. He has his own free will to make decisions. If the desire is there then he will make it a priority. If not then distractions will always arise. In the meantime I sit and wait for him to tell me what is going on instead of being undecisive.

[billiechic]

Since he is agreement on the move, I think you should offer him an olive branch as well. Maybe you can erase the arrears and offer a lower amount of CS.

You could also offer that all travel costs for access be covered by him up to the amount of table CS he would have owed, and then be split according to income. That way he has no additional costs for access, and you acknowledge that you are more than willing to support his bond with the child, if he decides to pursue it.

Personally I don't think that you should be asking him if your new husband can adopt. Maybe once the new husband has been the father figure for many years, but it is unfair to take that title from him just yet. It sounds like he is turning one part of his life around, why assume that he can't change the rest?