No Clue What To Do !!

[besidehim]

My fiance is going through a horrible time since his divorce... it has only escalated since we met and she became obviously jealous or something... bottom line with her is money, hence her always making snotty comments about me and "his children's" money that i'm supposedly taking .. anyways.. here is the situation...

They have joint custody, she has primary residence, he has visitation of every other weekend from saturday 10am to sunday 6pm... The last "real" visit was december 24th, 2009. The kids seemed all too happy to come for presents... my parents came too for the holiday and brought each of his 2 kids a present each as well.. we had a marvelous time... After that visit his daughter came infrequently, and his son not at all. His son is 8 and is said to all of a sudden started suffering seperation anxiety from his mom. She lives approximately a 10 minute drive from our home. The ex has claimed to the counsellor both the kids see as well as the ex and my fiancee (at different appointments) that my fiancee is the reason for the anxiety. It has nothing to do with her constant screaming at my fiancee or her over-protectiveness of the children or her constant bad-mouthing of he and I and how evil and horrible we are... NOooooo..not at all.

We finally saw his son 4 months after christmas... he was to stay overnight, but after we went swimming, played video games, played outside and had a marvelous day, he started whining he wanted his mom... we didnt push it and said no problem, he could call his mom and he would take his son home.. she proceeded to scream at my fiancee over the phone which we could all hear across the room, accusing him of many ridiculous things... he ended up taking both the children home as per their request that night. One month later the kids decided to come again, having not even bothered to return a phone call or email sent by my fiancee the previous visitation scheduled time. They stayed over that time but left the next morning at 10am when their mom picked them up to go to some fair. She has always booked their "outings" on his scheduled visitation dates and if he says no, the kids get upset and she reinforces to the kids how horrible he is... so we have just stopped even trying to argue with the 3 of them on this subject .

We again have not seen the kids for over a month. His ex states it is up to the kids, 8 and 10, if they wish to come or not and it is none of her business or concern and stays out of it... The daughter did finally write saying that she doesnt come because we dont "DO ANYTHING". What she means is what she always asks, to go shopping, to go out for dinner, to spend money .. money we dont have.

He pays alimony and child support and we very much try to live within our means and dont have alot of extra cash to do anything with or without the kids. We have ordered pizza on occassion, gone to a movie on occassion, and even a little shopping, but being with their dad should be the reason for the visit, not what they can buy.

His son, who is almost 9, still sleeps nightly with his mom. If, for whatever reason mom is not home, he will go and crawl in bed with his gramma. I dont think this is ok at all. His separation anxiety? His need to talk to her 10x a day when with his dad? I am at a loss.

This hurts me so much to see him hurt by this. These are his children... the only ones he will ever has, and he's losing them completely and no matter the fight so far, his ex stands in the way emotionally with him and the kids...

Any suggestions? They have been to court 2x in the past year and yet she still wont give him the access he has been granted, and the police cant/wont do anything to help him and obviously ignoring the court is something she doesnt care about... She stated he cant force them to come and she wont force them either.. it is their decision. I have such sympathy for the kids, they have been so totally brainwashed and are missing out on their amazing father. She claims to be a proper christian.. just wow !

thanks for listening.. i am sure i rambled.. it's a mess

[NBDad]

Ugh...go research on "parental alienation". What you have is a classic case. At 8 and 10 the children are NOT old enough to make their own decisions regarding visitation, the court will NOT buy that argument.

The mother has an obligation to encourage and support the children's relationship with their father. If there has been court ordered visits, then you need to be pushing that.

Her booking outings on HIS days is a definite ploy to make HIM look the bad guy. His days are his days. Request (in writing) she enforce the visits. If she refuses, haul her to court.

From what you describe you have grounds for a motion to vary the existing access order. You could make a go for a custody switch if that is something that you want. You probably want to arrange for counselling with your fiancee and the kids on his days, to try and help undo the damage their mother is doing to their relationship.

The 8 year old sleeping with his mother is definitely sending some red flags up for me. Does his counsellor know about his mother allowing that? Has your fiancee gone to meet the counsellor? Does he know what is going on with his kids?

He's allowing himself to be steamrolled over and bullied. Permitting it to happen, even by raising NO apparent objections is just going to lose him his kids eventually.

[besidehim]

He has seen the counsellor both alone, with his kids and with me. The counsellor asked to see me with him since we are engaged and I am in the kids' lives, as well as his ex's constant negative slanders against me to both the kids and everyone else she can. I have graves disease and as a side effect I have an anxiety disorder. It's not horrible bad and I function quite well... I have custody of my own daughter whom lives with me and my fiancee. She has, to the children, called me sick in the head, the psycho, insane, drug abuser, etc... Again, I believe this comes from her odd-minded jealousy because I am with him. Like a dog with a bone, she wanted to bury the bone so no other dog could have it, yet never wanted it herself as she went looking for younger dogs... anyways :P I digress!

To answer your question.. yes. We have enformed the counsellor of these facts. And it has been brought up in court a few times her lack of support in regards to the children. He, himself, has had to cancel on occasion due to work and she twists this around with the children to make it as if he doesnt wish to see them. The support he has to pay her for alimony and child support makes it necessary for him to work when he can and these odd, extra saturdays really help us financially. He has emailed her continuously only to never receive replies or to be informed that she has given the emails to his children to read. How is he supposed to communicate with their mother when on the phone she just screams and berates, and in written, she wont respond and shares all communications with them?

He has just received an email from his daughter. In it she states things like, "she doesnt come because he cancels on her to do whatever he wants", "we dont DO anything when we are there", etc... he has explained the financial strain we live under and do make many plans for him alone with the kids as well as activities for all of us, with my daughter (10) too, to do. Unfortunately they never if rarely show. More unfortunately, all the things his daughter wrote sound exactly like all the things his ex says, almost word for word.

Going to court before, 2x in the past year, hasnt helped and financially, and more importantly emotionally, this is very taxing. The judge tells her again to follow the court ordered visitation, yet out of court, this is the result..nada.

I guess we will continue to fight the good fight. It is just so hard dealing with his ex. She is a pathological liar, "was" an alcoholic (magically woke up one day and decided not to after almost 30 years of alcohol abuse which included hiding bottles all over the house, and has never had treatment for this), and I have yet to meet a bigger narcicist in my lifetime.

She goes to court all demure and with tears... yet day to day presents herself as queen sheba and works everyone and everything she can, including the system.

Is there anything OUTSIDE of court that can be done???

[HammerDad]

He needs to grow a set.

When the kids start whining they want their mom, he needs to do something to comfort or distract them and not take the easy route of giving them back. That isn't acting as a parent.

With regards to everything else, she is absolutely wrong that it is the child's decision on whether or not they choose to exercise their access. Normally a court will begin to CONSIDER a child's requests at the age of ~12, depending on maturity.

What your fiance needs to do is start beating her over the head with the court order. Advise her via email that you are exercising as prescribed in the court order/agreement. Show up with a witness who, if they can, video tape the exchange. If the kids aren't there, call and leave a message. Wait a little bit, call again. If you're not video taping, go buy a pack of gum from the store around the corner and get the receipt. From there, you email the ex and state that as the children weren't there for his prescribed access, you are requesting make-up time at the first opportunity. Rinse and repeat until about 3-4 instances of denial of access. Then take her to court for:

- contempt of court (denying access)
- request counselling for the children
- request extra parenting time to make up for the lost parenting time
- request a change to the current access schedule, because your fiance isn't even getting the full every-other-weekend-screwjob. Request at least EOW, 1-2 overnights a week.
- Have the court advise both parties that no parent is entitled to schedule activities on the other parents time without that parents previous consent.
- Also, due to the consistant denial of access, request an enforcement clause which provides that, if she should ever attempt to deny access, the police can be called and they will collect the children and deliver them to dad.

But he needs to take a stand. When the kids start whining, be a parent and console them. When the ex says she is taking them to some activity during his parenting time, he is to say no. When she says that the children are the ones making the calls, remind her that the kids are too young to make such a decision and that you have an order/agreement that provides for access that she is to honor.

Further, each parent has an obligation to the children to promote the other parents parenting time and not to disparage the other parent. If your agreement doesn't provide for such wording, that would be another thing to through in at court, which is probably where this will have to end up. And when he does, he will have to argue not that she is a bad parent, but that it is in the best interests of the children to have a strong relationship with both parents, and that the ex's actions have caused harm to the children by not allowing dad his parenting time and disparaging him in front of the children (parental alienation).

Edit - One more thing. Keep all communication to email and keep them written as if you were writing the president of your company or the judge himself. It gives you a paper trail of requests and her replies. And anything that doesn't relate the children does not get responded. Keep every email child centric.

[dadtotheend]

Great post Hammer. You hit the nail on the head there.

[besidehim]

awesome advice... thank you!!! and he does have a "set"... just between her and the system, he is frustrated with all this bending over and taking it !!!

He has been continuously doing all his communication with her via email, 99% she never responds claiming "talk to the kids, their choice"... this way we have a paper trail of his constant attempts to get his kids on the scheduled visitation.

When he gets home from work I will have him read your post and we will form a new direction of action and go from there...

Thank you all so much !! Having this support is huge!!! It's nice to be heard, believed and understood for a change in regards to this bs.

xoxo

[HammerDad]

Oh, as for his weekends that he takes on extra work, he is going to have to stop for a while if he wants this to succeed. What the kids need is consistancy and he hasn't provided that. I know if will be tough financially, but if he has to work, make it a weekend where he doesn't have the kids.

[NBDad]

Most of us have been there and done that...we get it quite well. The system is systematically broken and biased towards the "golden uterus" as one of the other posters had described it. (Totally LOVE that turn of phrase BTW...filing that one for future use )

I think the key part here is to stick to your guns, and document everything. Never go to her place alone. He should be arriving (with an adult witness that ISN'T YOU) to pick the kids up, and she should be picking them up at the end of access.

They HAVE to go. Video tape or wear a PVR. If she bashes him in front of the kids then it's recorded and therefore becomes admissible. Eventually her luck will run out and you will draw a judge that is going to bitch slap her.

They are few and far between, but they ARE out there.

Document EVERYTHING. Agree to NOTHING VERBALLY. If anything is discussed, the second he gets home, he RUNS (not walks) his ass to the computer and IMMEDIATELY sends her a followup email. (time stamp + written documentation = win) Her responding is just cake, the intent is to time stamp the email and indicate what was discussed.

Phrase ALL written communication to her like a business letter and ONLY on issues directly involving the children.

[dadtotheend]

If he has a set, then he wouldn't be letting the kids run the show.

He needs to figure out a way to redirect their anxiety when they whine about wanting to be with Mom while they are with him.

He can't be caving in to taking them back to her on his time, nor should there be ANY tolerance for Mom's assholishly selfish stealing of his children's access to him!!

Tell him to go see a counsellor in order to get some assistance. It will be worth his while, guarandamnteed.

[besidehim]

he never used to "cave" as you put it.. but finally seeing his son again after so long he didnt wanna upset him or the situation and wanted to seem reasonable to his sons needs... i understand where he was coming from... it was heartbreaking none the less...

[dadtotheend]

... it was heartbreaking none the less...

I'm sure it was. But a little tough love won't hurt. I wouldn't be liking the alternative if I was the father....or the children. As it is, those kids are getting screwed out of a relationship with their (sane) father.

[besidehim]

absolutely... and believe me, he called earlier and i read the thread... we are going to follow the steps and do all we can for HIS kids more than him... it benefits us all in the end but everything happening now will affect his kids for the rest of their lives... thank you again!!! he needs them, but they need him more... so we will fight for them even if they dont understand !

[HammerDad]

absolutely... and believe me, he called earlier and i read the thread... we are going to follow the steps and do all we can for HIS kids more than him... it benefits us all in the end but everything happening now will affect his kids for the rest of their lives... thank you again!!! he needs them, but they need him more... so we will fight for them even if they dont understand !

Glad to hear.

It is in the children's best interests to have a strong and active relationship with BOTH parents. If one parent is not promoting that relationship with the other parent, they are harming their children and it is a form of abuse.

You should really read up on Parental Alienation Syndrome. The kids have probably been brainwashed and you both will need to learn the skills necessary to combat it as best as possible and you will also need to learn coping skills for yourselves (so you don't go crazy and rant to the ex, giving her ammo to use against you).

Where the ex denies access or does anything she should not be doing (disparaging comments) he needs to email her and advise her that:

in the event of denial of access - there is a court order in place and no individual, outside of the court, can determine not to follow the clauses therein. Request makeup time at the next available weekend.

disparaging comments - email the ex and advise her that it is not in the best interests of the children for either parent to be saying negative things about the other parent to the children, or in the children's presense. Nor should either parent allow any other individual to speak negatively to the children or in their presense of the other parent. And that you heard on X occassion do such, and you respectfully request that she cease and desist, as it is in the best interests of the children.

activities on his parenting time - email the ex and advise her that he is plans on exercising his prescribed parenting time in accordance with their court order. Failing to have the children ready for his parenting time is denial of access, and not in the children's best interests. If the child is scheduled in a sporting event or activity with another child (ie. birthday party) that he is capable of bringing the child to such event, if he so chooses. Advise her that she is not allowed to schedule activities for the children during his parenting time without his prior written consent, and any activity she does schedule will be subject to dad's determination on whether or not the children go.

If she comes back with some nasty venom (which she probably will), ignore the noise because it will probably sound something like this:

"don't you understand the kids want to X. You would have to be very selfish to deny then that activity. The children have choosen to go there rather then spend time with you, and I am not going to force them to go with you."

That is pretty much toxic and would hurt any parent, but focus on the kids and go back with something like:

"I do understand the children would like to attend X. However, with the event happening on my parenting, it is my responsibility to determine their activities.

Further, our court order provides I have my parenting time with children from X to Y. Outside of the court, no individual is allowed to determine otherwise. I will be exercising my prescribed access, as it is in the childrens best interests to have a strong relationship with both parents."

But the flip side to that coin again is USING HIS ACCESS. He cannot start skipping weekends when convenient. I know it is for work, but his kids need him now more then ever.

[CISTEAD]

First of all, your fiance is lucky to have you. I am engaged to a man, and our situation is very similar to yours. Sometimes, I would like to just run away, as I am sure you have thought about, but I know if I stick it out, I can make a difference, and I have.
My fiance used to feel that fighting would be futile.....and that "golden uterus girl" would prevail. This came about after spending 7,000 just to get more access and prevent her from changing the boys names to her maiden name....(nasty).....and the next year we spent 9,000 to have CS varied.....the PAS is extreme, and we have gone as much as 5 months at a time without seeing kids......HOWEVER......we fight fight fight.....all day long...its exhausting....but we will always do it.....My fiance dreads court like he is going to be put to death.....I mean he dreads it.......but we do it....

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT.......and hammer the hell out of her whenever she tries to sabotage you..she will learn, even a monkey can be trained eventually.

...and be yourselves around the kids at all times....if they misbehave....discipline them....etc......don't let them learn from her that you both are weak......show them a united front....the respect will come....

[besidehim]

I have thought many times about running !!! Washing my hands of it... the drama that ensues the minute the children step through our door is blinding ! He and I are very affectionate.. like to hold hands.. like to hug.. lots of sneaky cheek kisses... we snuggle side by side when watching tv... heck we even slow dance at the drop of a hat just cause that's what we do, who we are ... i'm not saying it's 24/7 .. we are just a happy couple, like my parents, married 46 years and still madly in love bless them!! The moment the kids leave our home we hear that i was taking all his time, that i am jealous of his daughter's relationship with her father... etc...

so now when they come over... i make SURE they have "dad time" even if it's watching a movie together .. i busy myself elsewhere in the house or out so that SHE can snuggle with him , etc.. whatever it is.. HOURS I leave them and do laundry, cleaning, play on the computer, go grocery shop, whatever... still the emails saying i take too much of his time .

as i mentioned earlier, i have an anxiety disorder associated with my thyroid disease... so i have Lorazepam with me when we are out just in case I have an anxiety attack... my prescription is 0.5mg and i get a 30 pill prescription and it lasts me about 6 - 8 months. Well.. the ex got ahold of this information, thanks to snoopy daughter, and ran with it. If you read the definition of the drug and move down to the highest dosage on a daily regiment it can be used in the help of treating of major problems and can be considered in these doses an anti-psychotic. This is how she now names me... the psycho, the sick in the head gf, the insane gf... all to me, my fiancee and to his kids as WELL as the Judge in court ! She refused to even use my name in court even when the judge reminded her that i had a name. She asked the judge to motion that the children were never allowed to be left alone with me nor was i allowed to drive them at any time. She went as far as trying to get a restraining order against me ... Even though the judge has denied her claim stating that if that was the case why would i be granted full custody of my own child, she still has informed the children of her rules, has slandered me to the children's school, to the police, the children and their friends, the counsellor and everyone and anyone she can spew her lies to.. She uses this too now against him and throws names about me in every email she sends... "the children shall not be left alone in the psychos house" .. thank god for email documentation!!

I still believe my fave email yet is from her .. and i quote, exactly, "keep giving that fellatio for that free rent" .

Or the 3am phone call crying and screaming, drunk we believe, that i'm going to marry him, then divorce him and take all his money and the children will be left with nothing. The children have since stated numerous times that this is what they believe.. to the point of his daughter asking me "are you happy? mom said you're not going to get married and if you do it wont last and you will take everything". I'm also the "atheist or satanist" on any given day... Mom instills the most wonderful ideas in their head. His daughter asked me "do you believe in God?" .. I told her yes, that I did. I had been baptized, first communion, confirmation, sunday school... taht i was Catholic just not practicing... I explained to her what that meant to me was that I believed in God and could talk to him anytime I wanted , that I just didnt have to goto a church to prove this to anyone. That my relationship, like her relationship, with God was my own, as hers was her own. Too deep for me. But i'm still the atheist/satanist trying to convince her children God doesnt exist.

wow.. ok... i could go on forever but i wont.. CISTEAD... i have thought of running as fast as I can because no matter what he will always be tied to this woman through the children and she will always be as horrific tomorrow as she was yesterday... But I love him. Period. End of story. He's worth the time, energy, heartache, stress, and pain that comes with helping him to regain and love his children.