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  • Introducing a new partner

    I need some advice.

    My ex and I separated over a year ago. We currently have a week on/week off arrangement for our two girls, ages 4 and 6. I have recently introduced them to my new boyfriend (about a month ago). He sometimes joins us for events (ie: swimming/dinner, etc) but does not stay over when they are there.

    The girls recently told their father about my bf. My ex mentioned yesterday that I should have told him I was seeing someone. We do NOT get along. We separated because we couldn't communicate and things have not gotten better. I feel like it's not really any of his business. The guy isn't moving in with me and we've only been dating for a few months. I don't think I should have to tell my ex every time I date someone.

    I'm not sure, how to handle this situation. Should I ask my bf not to come around when I have the girls? When is it appropriate to introduce them to someone? Should they know that mommy is going to have a bf?

    Anyone have any experience with this or recommendations on how to handle a new partner??

    Thanks so much.

  • #2
    I don't think you have to tell your ex anything about your relationships. I think you might need to explain to your kids about him (new bf) and see what they think about it.
    I know I am not going to introduce anyone to my child until I really feel there is going to be something there and we have been together for sometime.
    It can't be easy on the kids especially younger ones that might not understand. Just be patient and ask your new BF the same and try maybe slowly introducing him to them.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by CSAngel View Post
      I need some advice.

      My ex and I separated over a year ago. We currently have a week on/week off arrangement for our two girls, ages 4 and 6. I have recently introduced them to my new boyfriend (about a month ago). He sometimes joins us for events (ie: swimming/dinner, etc) but does not stay over when they are there.

      The girls recently told their father about my bf. My ex mentioned yesterday that I should have told him I was seeing someone. We do NOT get along. We separated because we couldn't communicate and things have not gotten better. I feel like it's not really any of his business. The guy isn't moving in with me and we've only been dating for a few months. I don't think I should have to tell my ex every time I date someone.

      I'm not sure, how to handle this situation. Should I ask my bf not to come around when I have the girls? When is it appropriate to introduce them to someone? Should they know that mommy is going to have a bf?

      Anyone have any experience with this or recommendations on how to handle a new partner??

      Thanks so much.
      It's none of his or hers business. My ex tried to control that with me, telling me I couldn't introduce for a year, then she went to six months. People that are controlling will always be controlling, your a big girls now and can make your own decisions and decide what's best for your children.

      As long as the children have no issues and everyone is working well with your children there should be no issues unless the ex causes them.

      Comment


      • #4
        If you don't get along, then don't tell him. You didn't say anything up to this point for a reason. Follow your gut. My hubbys exwife gets a new boyfriend every few months, sometimes live in. We don't say boo, its her life.

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        • #5
          Thank you all so much. Sometimes my ex's badgering makes me doubt my decisions.

          Comment


          • #6
            Yes, that is their very special talent. They like to make you feel guilty. It's been over a year, he can get over it. I have found when it comes to kids, and new people in their lives, the more you make a big deal about it, the more a big deal it will become.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by CSAngel View Post
              Sometimes my ex's badgering makes me doubt my decisions.
              That's a common thing especially when you are used to it. It took me a long time, starting to see more clearer and that his thoughts and actions are not right. ( getting more verifications from others and those that have had to directly deal with him)
              Makes you think you are the crazy one sometimes but it's hard when you are used to their manipulating ways.

              Comment


              • #8
                I guess common courtesy would have been to give your ex a heads up, so that he is prepared should the girls mention it to him. But, your personal life is none of his business... and seeing as you don't get along, he doesn't need to be privy to your personal details.

                You know what they say... if you're unsure if you acted properly... simply put yourself in the other person's shoes. Would you have wanted to know if your ex was seeing someone and introducing his new girlfriend to your kids?

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by #1StepMom View Post
                  I guess common courtesy would have been to give your ex a heads up, so that he is prepared should the girls mention it to him. But, your personal life is none of his business... and seeing as you don't get along, he doesn't need to be privy to your personal details.

                  You know what they say... if you're unsure if you acted properly... simply put yourself in the other person's shoes. Would you have wanted to know if your ex was seeing someone and introducing his new girlfriend to your kids?
                  That's the problem - I guess what I would have expected and what he expects are two different things.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by CSAngel View Post
                    That's the problem - I guess what I would have expected and what he expects are two different things.
                    So you would not want to be given a heads up if your ex is dating someone and is planning on introducting this girlfriend of his to your kids?

                    Either way, it's been done... he can pout all he wants... but there's nothing you can do about it now. He now knows that you have a boyfriend who your kids have met... and that's that. ;-)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by #1StepMom View Post
                      So you would not want to be given a heads up if your ex is dating someone and is planning on introducting this girlfriend of his to your kids?

                      Either way, it's been done... he can pout all he wants... but there's nothing you can do about it now. He now knows that you have a boyfriend who your kids have met... and that's that. ;-)
                      What I might 'want' and what I 'expect' are two different things. What I 'want' is a normal ex who puts the children first. Someone I can have a normal conversation with and make decisions with. It would be really fantastic if we could even hang out now and then with the kids. Unfortunately, I can't have what I 'want'. So I have to go with the next best thing.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by CSAngel View Post
                        What I might 'want' and what I 'expect' are two different things. What I 'want' is a normal ex who puts the children first. Someone I can have a normal conversation with and make decisions with. It would be really fantastic if we could even hang out now and then with the kids. Unfortunately, I can't have what I 'want'. So I have to go with the next best thing.
                        That would be nice.... I feel the same way.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I personally think that when the kids know, it is time for the ex to know.

                          You don't have to tell your ex everytime you date someone. You just have to mention it when the kids are told, especially the first time.

                          It is a huge event for a kid to have their parents split up. It is an equally huge event when their parent starts dating someone new. Both parents have a role to play in the child's feelings. It would be very hurtful to me to think that my child might be experiencing this huge event and it is being kept from me.

                          I would also feel a bit antsy if someone was spending time around my child regularly and I didn't know their name. I'm not saying that I need a police check or anything, but I would like to know who it was, the same as I would want to know who a new room-mate was or a babysitter.

                          It's not a question of right and wrong here, but everyone's feelings and consideration. But if you were in a very controlling relationship I can see how it would feel the opposite.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quote:
                            Originally Posted by CSAngel
                            What I might 'want' and what I 'expect' are two different things. What I 'want' is a normal ex who puts the children first. Someone I can have a normal conversation with and make decisions with. It would be really fantastic if we could even hang out now and then with the kids. Unfortunately, I can't have what I 'want'. So I have to go with the next best thing.

                            And Tugofwar said "That would be nice.... I feel the same way."

                            (I don't know how to layer quotations on here, sorry)

                            I guess I have a close approximation of what you are both dreaming of here, and it's actually damn hard to endure. Seeing the kids laughing and happy is how I get through it, but it's taking all my inner strength to keep my happy face on when we're a "foursome" doing something. If I let my guard down, I forget that he cheated on me and lied and manipulated me and destroyed the family, and we're just pretending for a few hours that he didn't. And then I come to my senses and it hurts so badly all over again, that his sexual satisfaction was worth more to him than any respect for me and his vows and his kids' futures. And then when the fun with the boys is over, he goes back to his new place with his mistress and forgets all about us and what he did, and I take the children home to continue being the lonely full-time single parent. And I cry myself to sleep, hating myself for still missing him and wondering when my real husband got replaced by this evil twin.

                            I keep telling myself if I endure it long enough, it won't hurt so badly, and I hope it happens before the boys are old enough to see through my fake smile. Either that, or the ex will finish choosing the mistress over us and stop coming to see them.

                            I guess what I'm saying is don't waste time and energy wishing for some other situation, because all of them have their own problems. Just work with the one you've got as best you can.

                            And yes, when you've been living with a manipulator, whose advice you once trusted, it's hard to break out of the habit of considering their opinion, even subconsciously.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                              Quote:
                              Originally Posted by CSAngel
                              What I might 'want' and what I 'expect' are two different things. What I 'want' is a normal ex who puts the children first. Someone I can have a normal conversation with and make decisions with. It would be really fantastic if we could even hang out now and then with the kids. Unfortunately, I can't have what I 'want'. So I have to go with the next best thing.

                              And Tugofwar said "That would be nice.... I feel the same way."

                              (I don't know how to layer quotations on here, sorry)

                              I guess I have a close approximation of what you are both dreaming of here, and it's actually damn hard to endure. Seeing the kids laughing and happy is how I get through it, but it's taking all my inner strength to keep my happy face on when we're a "foursome" doing something. If I let my guard down, I forget that he cheated on me and lied and manipulated me and destroyed the family, and we're just pretending for a few hours that he didn't. And then I come to my senses and it hurts so badly all over again, that his sexual satisfaction was worth more to him than any respect for me and his vows and his kids' futures. And then when the fun with the boys is over, he goes back to his new place with his mistress and forgets all about us and what he did, and I take the children home to continue being the lonely full-time single parent. And I cry myself to sleep, hating myself for still missing him and wondering when my real husband got replaced by this evil twin.

                              I keep telling myself if I endure it long enough, it won't hurt so badly, and I hope it happens before the boys are old enough to see through my fake smile. Either that, or the ex will finish choosing the mistress over us and stop coming to see them.

                              I guess what I'm saying is don't waste time and energy wishing for some other situation, because all of them have their own problems. Just work with the one you've got as best you can.

                              And yes, when you've been living with a manipulator, whose advice you once trusted, it's hard to break out of the habit of considering their opinion, even subconsciously.

                              Wow. Thanks for the perspective. I'm so sorry to hear you are hurting so much. Kudos for you for enduring and doing what is best for your kids. You are obviously very strong (and wise) even tho I'm sure it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

                              Comment

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