am I clueless? (soap)

[di77ane]

I will try to make this long story short. This is regarding seperation issues.
I was with this guy for 9 years, we were never married, but in 2003, when I found out I was pregnant, he proposed. We did live together for two years.
Well, a year after having our baby, I realized that this guy was not going to change. I was able to deal with it up until the paint of taking care of one baby, now I had to take care of two. I realized that working full time, taking care of baby, and answering to control freak was not my piece of cake.

SO, I left him last year. In October, I took our son and moved in with my sister. HE did not fight, argue, ask me to stay, etc. He, (in my mind) "let me go". Anyway, we are going the hell of selling the house we shared. He got himself a new girlfriend and she lives in the house we shared. So I am just signing the house to him- be done and over with, not worth the battle, no money in it..etc.
He has not paid me support, nor is it a big deal to me. I think- well- one day he will have to pay. Finally I got some funds together and put a retainer down for a lawyer to work for me.

Well, the big issue is..... he claims he loves our son and all, but he rarely- if at all calls. He see's our child every third weekend ( the weekend I work) which I forced (why should I pay daycare?), he very rarely asks for additional days, but yet he wants our child on the holidays? Why, and why should I have to give it to him? He does not deserve that! I feel bad, am I taking away from our son because I think his father is a deadbeat? Why should I encourage his father to see his son? His father is a grown man!! I need some direction here ladies- men- am I tthat clueless?
And, he (the father) has issues about introducing me to his girlfriend!!! I saw her, but was never introduced. He told me it was "none of my business". I told him, I could care less what "they" do, I am more concerned about my child!! and who he is around! Is that wrong? Is it none of my business?
I don't allow sleepovers because of it... and they are getting married and he has no balls to tell me!! (I found out thru a friend).
Please email me, just wondering if I am the only loser in this story... just need advice and some direction... sorry for the soap opera.

[nikitaforce]

Although it is difficult to bear, access to the children unlike what most people believe is...
the right of the child! Not the parent!
If your ex boyfriend is a deadbeat, in time your son will realize it as well. Keep a close eye on your son for signs of things that may be bothering him but time with his father is important.
And again although it may be difficult to swallow...he is getting the benefit of three caring adults in his life instead of just two...isn't it important for your child to be loved and cared for.
Often the bitterness of our own feelings for our ex partner cloud our judgement of the benefits for the children...they love the extra attention and extra holidays at two parents homes...don't rob him of that enjoyment, divorce/separation is hard enough on children who tend to blame themselves for the actions of their parents.
Count to ten...send him on his way...enjoy a night of bubble baths, candles, quiet time or a night on the town with your friends and know that he is with his father who is at least wanting him...not like some fathers who don't want to be involved with their children.
Just my thoughts...hope it helps a bit!

[quake]

I am not no lawyer but I would think your son had some right to spend time with his father. As you said already, your ex is a grown man and upon saying that, he is capable to make his own decisions including who his partners will be, much the same way you have a choice who your partners are and will be in the future. If your son is in harm while in this person's presence then yes you do have the right what goes on. I would demand child support as it is expensive to raise children. Your son deserves this. For what its worth this is my opinion.

Quake

[di77ane]

Dear NakitaForce,
Yes it is the right of the child, but am I not looking out for his best interest? Don't get me wrong, you are definatley making me see the other side- and it is very nice- sometimes people you don't know open your eyes a lot more than friends or family.
I understand the time with his father is important, and that is what breaks my heart- because it seems to me, that the time with his son is not as important.
But yes, you are absolutley right about the other things- (big swallow). Thank you.

[di77ane]

Quake,
So, you are telling me that I should not care that I am not introduced? I am not "stopping" him from seeing his son, I am just concerned for my son's well being. Just an over protective mother I guess. And how would I know if my son was in harm of this person presence, I have no idea who she is. I have nothing against her at all- my ex and I are done and I have accepted that long ago. Thank you for your opinion, it did help me...

[nikitaforce]

Letting your child go to another home with new people that you don't know is a difficult thing. When my ex took my girls to his girlfriends' home at Christmas where he lived, I was devastated...hated that MY girls were being subjected to another woman's advice, attention, etc...it was extremely hard and there was no discussion of gifts ahead of time and I was sooo angry that they bought the same gifts as I had and they were opened before mine were given, especially after me working so hard to save to buy the gifts...but what I had to swallow was...I had no control and it was better for my children that I swallow my pride and my fears...watch them carefully for any signs of concern and just take the gifts back and go shopping after the returns...and be thankful that my girls were getting two sets of gifts. Emotionally their benefits were for them to see a mother who was confident and not insecure and accepting that things were ok...children don't need to see us sweating over this stuff...we want to raise secure and loving children..not frustrated, scared/paranoid, and messed up/in the middle kids...right?

Glad you are seeing another side to things...remember to take care of you!!

[di77ane]

Wow, sometimes someone explaining the truth, that you already knew in the back of your head hurts, but it sure helps! And makes total absolute sense- something women lack when their mind is elsewhere!

[nikitaforce]

Awww chin up....I m glad I could help you see things from another angle...I know how hard it is...surround yourself with friends when your ex has your child for a bit...that helps...you can drink chocolate martinis, call him the sperm donor, crack a few jokes, vent and then go back a confident secure mother to pick him up after having YOUR time to cope with things. And in time, you will see how YOU are so much the better person for not living each day with bitterness and anger.
I don't know what I would have done without my venting time with friends...and it so much healthier for you to do it with them and for your child to hear any of it or feel any of it.

[quake]

di77ane,

There may come a time that you will meet this other person. This would be ideal if you discovered she was a very nice person. If they do not want this to happen, there isn't much you can do. I do agree with you that this other person will likely have an influence on your son. There is nothing wrong with being a protective parent either. Remain open-minded and don't necesarily assume the worst.

[di77ane]

Quake,
I am sure that she is a nice person- however- doesn't she wonder why she has not been introduced to the mother- or his ex considering she will be a big part of his life?
It makes me feel as though I am a bad person that she doesnot, or my ex does not want to introduce us. I made it clear to my ex, that I wanted to be introduced for the sake of my child- not for the sake that I am nosy. I could care less what my ex and his fiancee are up to, I am over that and have moved on with my life. However, I was just concerned (not for the worse) of my child's well being.
I know one day I will meet her, when we are both ready- but I have been given advice by friends to email her, or call her on my own- and that I am definaltey not ready for. Thanks for your reply, much appreciated.