Seeking advice

[farmcountry]

Hello forum members.
I'm a Dad to two kids, ages 12 and 14. I was separated back in 2004 and divorced a year or so after that. My ex spouse was granted sole custody and I was given alternating weekends plus half xmas vacation and two weeks in summer.

I have always exercised & enjoyed my parenting time to the fullest and have always paid what I was supposed to pay. This past year, my income took a nosedive and I had to have my child support payments come in line with what I make.

As a result of this, my ex spouse has somehow turned my kids against me. She showed them all court documents and said to the kids that because I'm not paying more that I don't love them and don't want to support them.

My kids are now spewing venomous words at me and I feel like my heart is just near broke. I've never heard my kids speak like this about anybody.
So I mentioned this all to my lawyer and he said because of their ages not much can be done but he would send a letter to her lawyer. I'm sure that won't do a thing.

So what do I do? The kids won't take my calls. If I send a letter to their house, for sure it would be intercepted & tossed. She's a pretty hostile person despite the fact that she's the one who cheated and left me all those years ago.

I don't want to give up but what can I really do in the end?
It's been 6 weeks now since I saw them last and it feels like an eternity. I can't imagine not being in their life as they go through their teen years and all the stuff that being teen is about. I'm so so lost but trying to hang on.

[standing on the sidelines]

Is there anyone like your parents who still see them?? Maybe they can tell the kids that you love them and miss them. I do not believe in letting kids see the financials but now that she has opened that door, maybe you can explain to the kids the reason why the CS has dropped. Show them the % of income you paid as CS before and the % you pay now. Like I said I hate going down that path but she has used that against you and maybe the kids now need the whole facts.

So sorry for what you are going through.

[Roni]

Good Luck ! The whole justice system is biased. Father = bad. Mothers =good. My ex is doing the same thing with my daughter she is telling her lies and I have to explain myself and it's not fare as my daughter is stuck in the middle listening to those things. she has showed disrespect and doesn't give a damn about her dad. I'm torn inside and feel betrayed.

that's want I was told, ''oh well, she is a teenager now and you can't tell her what to do etc'' basically the parent has no authority over the child. But when it comes to paying moneym they come to you and make you feel guilty. If you kid gets in trouble nad gets arrested by the Police, everyone looks at you as it's your fault as a dad. ''What were you thinking man''. ''What is your kid doing out at 2am''

I feel for you man !

[Mess]

If they decided not to go to school would you and their mum agree? If they "decide" they aren't going to see you, why should that mean any more?

You should expect them to spend the same access time with you, and you should communicate this to her/her lawyer that if she does not comply then you will seek legal action. (Even if this is a bluff.) You should also google parental alienation, read as much as you can, especially as it pertains to legal cases in your jurisidiction (not sure are you in Ontario?) Discuss this with your lawyer and print out some of the pertinent info you find (we can help of course but you need do your homework). If your lawyer says "nothing can be done" you have the wrong lawyer. Something can be done, the question is, can you pressure your ex in a way that won't kill you financially? At the very least, if you have court ordered access, you should be able to bring an inexpensive motion forward to have it enforced.

Meanwhile, your childrens' attitude doesn't come about in a vacuum just by her having one conversation. "Something" has been going on for a while. If your ex feels they are mature enough to understand the court documents, then she should agree they are mature enough to hear your side as well. I don't recommend putting them in the middle, but if they are already there, you have to take steps to get them out. You have every right to insist on group family counselling to get this out in the open and show how she is manipulation the facts.

Even if all else fails, be aware that by the time they are in their twenties and learn some of the realities of life, they will understand your side a little more. That is no consolation, you are missing a lot now that can never be replaced, but if you are in the right, you will not lose them.