A week about is too long not to see your children

[Rhonda&Kids]

Is there anyone who would agree with me that a week about is too long for children to be away from a parent. This has been so hard for me, is there any chance of chaning a status quo after a year of 50/50 week about where there is only a 1 hour visit on Thursdays (same night as extra curricular) so it doesn't even count for quality visits as they are engaged in their sport. The children's dad is very mean spirited. Constantly threatens to take them away from me accusing me of using drugs and alcohol (digging up the past) and not something I'm concerned about now, however he constantly threatens me to take them away. I have them for a week and want to change the week about to a mon-wed, wed-fri, fri-mon schedule where the access is still 50/50 just less time between seeing the kids. I feel like I was stripped in this separation. Feeling like I lost my children, all my money, my home, my life, my family...everything and I can't stop crying sometimes as I miss the kids so much. I hate being alone without them. They are everything to me. I'm good to their dad. Made him a "worlds best dad Tshirt for Fday" from the kids with their picture on it. He still hasn't paid me my equilization payment that amounted to $150,000. And he hasn't paid a dime in spousal, even though I haven't worked in the last year and returned to school to upgrade and gain employable skills (this was planned years before our separation and thanks to second career it was funded). How long can it take before I see some money, division of the furniture, spousal support, a change in the schedule. I can barely afford the lawyer, but at least she's good. The questioning she did 2 weeks ago resulted in her finding several lies in his affidavid and hiding his income (he's self employed). Basically, I just want to have my kids in my life and want to get on with my life. I want a home equal to what we had (if not equal, then at least decent, above ground with a back yard) Our matramonial home is on 1.5 acres in a really nice rural area. How can this inequity be allowed to happen. Can Children's Aid help me change the children's schedule so I don't have to pay my lawyer and run up my bill as I really need her to work on the financials. I so regret giving away half of my kids, as he now abuses his power and my access to them, even so far as only allowing 1 phone call per day rigididly (not for anyreason or harrassment...just to have control.)

[blinkandimgone]

That sounds like a lot of switching around for the kids, confusing at the very least. The schedule you propose puts them at a different place different days each week, doesn't sound very stable.

I understand completely that you miss the kids etc however, it's about what's best for the kids, not what's best for either parent. You can't use your kids to make you feel better. I don't understand how you feel you lost your children, you and he both share equal time with them so it's not like he's taking anything away from you. If you feel he is, do you feel you are taking anything away from HIM in this situation?

Children's Aid is NOT there to change access arrangements so you don't have to pay a lawyer. If that were the case then lawyer's would be out of business now wouldn't they? Children's Aid is to protect the children from being in abusive or negligent situations, which yours clearly aren't.

Get counselling, join a support group and make some dates to go out with your friends when it's not your week with the kids. Find something you enjoy doing and keep busy. It's a struggle to get over the emotional strain of a divorce but you have to make an effort so that you can be happy. That's the best thing you could do for your kids.

[LostFather]

That sounds like a lot of switching around for the kids, confusing at the very least. The schedule you propose puts them at a different place different days each week, doesn't sound very stable.

I understand completely that you miss the kids etc however, it's about what's best for the kids, not what's best for either parent. You can't use your kids to make you feel better. I don't understand how you feel you lost your children, you and he both share equal time with them so it's not like he's taking anything away from you. If you feel he is, do you feel you are taking anything away from HIM in this situation?

Children's Aid is NOT there to change access arrangements so you don't have to pay a lawyer. If that were the case then lawyer's would be out of business now wouldn't they? Children's Aid is to protect the children from being in abusive or negligent situations, which yours clearly aren't.

Get counselling, join a support group and make some dates to go out with your friends when it's not your week with the kids. Find something you enjoy doing and keep busy. It's a struggle to get over the emotional strain of a divorce but you have to make an effort so that you can be happy. That's the best thing you could do for your kids.

I'm not sure I agree, in fact it is somewhat the arrangement I have now, just not 50/50. But I do have a through the week overnight. I am looking for one more night so it will stop an extra through the week transfer between homes, give the children more time to get back into the groove, make friends at their home here, and have more time with dad! Of course my ex is fighting tooth and nail, because that would give me and my children 50/50 access.

Realistically speaking as long as you're within a reasonable distance, I'm not sure of any reason why it doesn't or won't work? Children have no problem adjusting in my opinion. For example when it was ordered that I receive and overnight access through the week, the children had NO troubles whatsoever.

What does it matter which home they go to as long as they see each parent equally? I believe that it is more stressful on them when they go week after week without physical contact of the other parent. In fact my wife and her ex share access, and their children go back to each house one day here, one day at dads.....they're the most well rounded children I've ever seen.

As for the posters emotional attachment and it being about the children, if the parents are happy and content, the children will follow. So in my humble opinion it is as much about us as parents as it is for the children, this is what makes us happy, a family, being together, being loved, and letting the children know you love them every chance you get. Special occasions, vacations etc would be the exceptions.

[Elvis]

That sounds like a lot of switching around for the kids, confusing at the very least. The schedule you propose puts them at a different place different days each week, doesn't sound very stable.

I understand completely that you miss the kids etc however, it's about what's best for the kids, not what's best for either parent. You can't use your kids to make you feel better. I don't understand how you feel you lost your children, you and he both share equal time with them so it's not like he's taking anything away from you. If you feel he is, do you feel you are taking anything away from HIM in this situation?

Children's Aid is NOT there to change access arrangements so you don't have to pay a lawyer. If that were the case then lawyer's would be out of business now wouldn't they? Children's Aid is to protect the children from being in abusive or negligent situations, which yours clearly aren't.

Get counselling, join a support group and make some dates to go out with your friends when it's not your week with the kids. Find something you enjoy doing and keep busy. It's a struggle to get over the emotional strain of a divorce but you have to make an effort so that you can be happy. That's the best thing you could do for your kids.

Excellent advice

[Technodaddy]

I second that for excellent advice.

I do the week about thing and have made an agreement to see them on Tuesday nights when I don't have them.

This has worked fine until recently, now I think its best to just do the full week without a visit.

Situations have developed that caused some friction due to this and the children got stuck in the middle. I can see one of my kids starting to put up this defence mechanism to tell each parent whatever it takes so one parent doesn't get angry with the other parent.

Made me take a step back and after reading what is below by blink I would have to agree. Do what is best for the kids, I know it's hard but like it says, go have some 'you' time and keep busy.

All the best.

That sounds like a lot of switching around for the kids, confusing at the very least. The schedule you propose puts them at a different place different days each week, doesn't sound very stable.

I understand completely that you miss the kids etc however, it's about what's best for the kids, not what's best for either parent. You can't use your kids to make you feel better. I don't understand how you feel you lost your children, you and he both share equal time with them so it's not like he's taking anything away from you. If you feel he is, do you feel you are taking anything away from HIM in this situation?

Children's Aid is NOT there to change access arrangements so you don't have to pay a lawyer. If that were the case then lawyer's would be out of business now wouldn't they? Children's Aid is to protect the children from being in abusive or negligent situations, which yours clearly aren't.

Get counselling, join a support group and make some dates to go out with your friends when it's not your week with the kids. Find something you enjoy doing and keep busy. It's a struggle to get over the emotional strain of a divorce but you have to make an effort so that you can be happy. That's the best thing you could do for your kids.

[Rhonda&Kids]

I'm sorry, I don't see the benefits in keeping children away from one parent for a week. Their father is a control freak. He has no reason to be. I am collaborative and want a mutual relationship with him, but now that he's got a way to control things he goes to the extreme. I haven't yet seen my childs report card b/c he has it and won't share until the exchange. Next time I'll make sure I get to the school and see my child before he leaves and I don't get to share in the happiness of his results. If I'm not mistaken, its been men who are responding to my post from a less emotional perspective. I am a woman, I have maternal feelings and I need to see my children. I didn't ask for this divorce, yet I'm the one's who's lost. He doesn't let me talk to them more than what I was able to get Ordered (i call a night) which lasts for 30 seconds. The kids are far away. Its not like I get to see them during the week. The one hour visit I had that CAS finally helped me lenthen to 2 hours can no longer be done because of my time table at school and placment. I will be working f/t soon and will not get to see them mid week at all. So I've lost time with them. My youngest is 4. Dad has the luxury of making his own hours, starting work at 9 and leaving at 3. Its so unfair, there has to be something that will help equal things out. Women are far too oppressed by the inequities in life. I cry, my kids see me cry, I am human and no counselling, support group or dates will change my feelings. It took me 6 times being pregnant to get these children that I waited along time for. They will be happy with more access to each parent. He needs to have some control taken away. He deleivers them, he picks them up. The kids see him as the one who decides where they go, when they see mom. What does this teach 2 young boys. I do have alot of feelings, lots of anger and lots of regrets, but the fact is that I need my children in my life, just as nuclear families do. No one in their right mind wants to get separated and not have their children. Why do I need to suck it up and be satified with this arrangement. CAS is an agency that cares about the kids, and access schedules that are age appropriate. I don't agree that you have to have a lawyer to change something like access. If you can't afford a lawyer are you supposed to go without seeing your children because the other parent can afford a lawyer. Sorry, I'm just venting now, but what men have to realize, if women didn't have these emotions and need for their children, then there would be many orphans in the world. Look at all the dead beats who don't get involved in their children's lives.

[dadtotheend]

If I'm not mistaken, its been men who are responding to my post from a less emotional perspective.

Yes, you are mistaken. And you're offensive.

Sounds like you are pretty messed up. I'll take being "less emotional" than you right now. You sound unstable. To dismiss counselling the way you did hints that you aren't interested in trying.

Good luck to you.

[standing on the sidelines]

Yes, you are mistaken. And you're offensive.

Sounds like you are pretty messed up. I'll take being "less emotional" than you right now. You sound unstable. To dismiss counselling the way you did hints that you aren't interested in trying.

Good luck to you.

I agree with you. One thing that got me was that he picks up and the kids and drops them off. To me that is a point in his favour. If the OP has a problem with that then she can pick up the kids or drop them off, why should he do it all? She says that she wants a home equal to what she had when she was with him. Well life has changed and with it the circumstances. She cannot have the same life or expect him to keep her in the same lifestyle she had before. As for the one phone call a day what is the problem with that? Some NCP on here would be grateful just for that one phone call. To me she needs to get some counselling to help her move into the next new and different chapter of her life. The marriage is over and she needs to deal with that.

[HammerDad]

Because men don't have feelings or are capable of missing their kids also

Geeze you're right. The fact that I get 1 night a week and every other weekend is too long for me to go without seeing my daughter.

This 50/50 arrangement is standard and is set to eliminate an unnecessary number of exchanges. And from the sounds of it, neither you nor your ex really want to be around each other, so I guess only having to see each other once a week is a win.

If you want to change it because you believe it is harmful to children, hire a lawyer and argue why status quo isn't in the best interests of the children. If it is your feelings get counselling or find a hobby because a courts responsibility is not to consider what you want, but the best interests of the children.

[NBDad]

haven't yet seen my childs report card b/c he has it and won't share until the exchange

So why in the world aren't you keeping in touch with the school and requesting they make a duplicate copy of any notices sent home (including report cards) on your off week.

Having a split family is more common than ever these days, so schools are well used to accommodating these kinds of requests.

Sorry but I don't have any sympathy for you on that front. (I'm a FATHER with sole custody, and my ex perpetually whines about not knowing what's going on with the kids at school...despite it being available online, and despite my repeated invitations to her to call the school and book a meeting with the teachers, or request copies of notices. She has not yet called the school ONCE to arrange this)

Look at all the dead beats who don't get involved in their children's lives

True enough. Though this is not as common with women, it exists. Though I wonder how many "dead beats" are simply so burned out from dealing with an archaic, biased, financially devastating system....that they just don't care anymore.

In any event, your kids have a 50-50 week on week off arrangement....this might not sit well with you, but as long as it's stable and the kids are not suffering (ie. do they miss school while with Dad? Is there homework not done? Is he beating them? Not feeding them? Not taking them to extra curricular activities?)

Why are you allowing HIM to do the transport both ways? At a minimum you should be doing ONE side of it.

Spousal support, equalization, etc can takes MONTHS if not YEARS to finalize. Child support should be automatic and immediate, if he isn't paying it, then kick your lawyer in the ass to get an emergency motion in place. Then file it with the FRO and let them enforce it if your ex is being difficult.

[blinkandimgone]

I'm sorry, I don't see the benefits in keeping children away from one parent for a week. Their father is a control freak.

You have the children the same amount of time as he does. He can only control your time with the children if you LET him. Stop doing that, problem solved. You don't see the benefits, it's been explained to you here. Just keep pretending you don't understand, though.

He has no reason to be. I am collaborative and want a mutual relationship with him, but now that he's got a way to control things he goes to the extreme. I haven't yet seen my childs report card b/c he has it and won't share until the exchange. Next time I'll make sure I get to the school and see my child before he leaves and I don't get to share in the happiness of his results.

Or you could simply have them send two copies out, one for each parent. Both of my children's schools started doing that for us when we seperated without even being asked by either parent. The schools are VERY used to it and would likely not have a problem with it.

If I'm not mistaken, its been men who are responding to my post from a less emotional perspective.

You are mistaken.

I am a woman, I have maternal feelings and I need to see my children.

And again, access arrangements are not about what YOU need, it's about what the children need and what is in their best interest. If they are not doing well with the week on/week off schedule it's likely because either one or both parents is making them feel bad and/or guilty about it. If that's you, stop it. Regardless, how you feel is irrelevant. You can't expect any judge anywhere to make changes or rule on important topics based on how you feel. If they did, manic depressives would have the courts tied up for years.

I didn't ask for this divorce, yet I'm the one's who's lost.

Again, get counselling. Do something for yourself. Figure out how to be something other than a mom, like the person you were before you had children. It's easy to immerse yourself in your children but unhealthy for you to be living through them. You ARE more than 'just' a mom, go explore that.

He doesn't let me talk to them more than what I was able to get Ordered (i call a night) which lasts for 30 seconds

.

If that's what your arrangement says, than that's what he is obligated to provide, nothing more. If you're unhappy with that, speak to your lawyer and try to get it increased.

The kids are far away. Its not like I get to see them during the week.

Just like he doesn't when you have them?

The one hour visit I had that CAS finally helped me lenthen to 2 hours can no longer be done because of my time table at school and placment. I will be working f/t soon and will not get to see them mid week at all. So I've lost time with them.

You've given up a couple hours a week with them to be able to provide for them as you should be. It's the right thing to do and one of the best decisions you can make for your children. Stop whining and moaning that you are forced to live like everyone else that works to support their family.

My youngest is 4. Dad has the luxury of making his own hours, starting work at 9 and leaving at 3.

I'm sure he didn't when he first started working full time as you will be starting soon. Once you work your way up the ranks and have some experience under your belt you should be able to start looking for something with more flexibility. He had to work for it - why should it be handed to you?

Its so unfair, there has to be something that will help equal things out. Women are far too oppressed by the inequities in life.

If by 'inequities' you mean the fact that women are typically more emotional than men, it's not 'unfair', it's nature. Women were intended to be that way so we would be more sympathetic and nurturing to our families. Men were not made that way because their job was to hunt and kill and provide for their families. Nobody wants to see a cave man weeping over the poor wittle deer he just killed to feed his family.

Aside from that, I have no idea what inequities you are referring to. I am female, I am a single mum, I work full time. Before I worked in an office full time I took on as much work as I could at home so I could be a SAHM for my children. I feel blessed to have been able to do so, not all parents have the luxury of being able to stay home with the kids. Now I'm working my way up the 'corporate' ladder, so to speak, and I have NEVER felt opressed for being female. If I didn't get what I was looking for it was always because my skills weren't developed enough yet, not because I wear heels.

I cry, my kids see me cry, I am human and no counselling, support group or dates will change my feelings.

It's not a terrible thing for your kids to see you cry - once in a while if the situation is difficult ie: a death in the family or you've hurt yourself.

For the children to see you a crying mess all the time? Totally unhealthy for you and them. If that's happening then you should definately go see a doctor for the sake of your children. Sounds like you're depressed. Get help before you damage the children, they shouldn't have to see or go through that all the time. Counselling will only work if you have an open mind - which you clearly do not. If you truly wanted what was best for your kids, you would.

It took me 6 times being pregnant to get these children that I waited along time for. They will be happy with more access to each parent.

Your proposed plans doesn't give them more access, it give them different access. You want it because it makes YOU feel better. Stop confusing what YOU feel with what is BEST FOR THE CHILDREN.

He needs to have some control taken away. He deleivers them, he picks them up.

You'd like what...that he stay and have a nice romantic dinner with you? You're getting divorce, accept the fact that he is meeting his obligations and no longer wishes to have a relationship with you. Of course he pickes them up, drops them off. What did you expect?

The kids see him as the one who decides where they go, when they see mom. What does this teach 2 young boys.

Considering how you feel, maybe this is the best thing for them right now. At least they can see that they have one stable parent who is capable of making decisions based on their best interests.

I do have alot of feelings, lots of anger and lots of regrets, but the fact is that I need my children in my life, just as nuclear families do. No one in their right mind wants to get separated and not have their children. Why do I need to suck it up and be satified with this arrangement.

Sounds like you won't be satisfied until you have them all the time and he none of the time. You are trying to manipulate the children and your ex with your constant crying and 'poor me' attitude. And yet you feel he is the controlling one.

CAS is an agency that cares about the kids, and access schedules that are age appropriate. I don't agree that you have to have a lawyer to change something like access. If you can't afford a lawyer are you supposed to go without seeing your children because the other parent can afford a lawyer.

If you had already decided that CAS was the appropriate agency to use to change your access agreement then why did you ask? If this is what you're using them for then it's disgusting that there are social workers spending their time doing this because 'mommy feels bad' when they SHOULD be working on abuse and neglect cases for kids whose mommies make THEM feel bad.

Sorry, I'm just venting now, but what men have to realize, if women didn't have these emotions and need for their children, then there would be many orphans in the world. Look at all the dead beats who don't get involved in their children's lives.

There are over 143 million orphans in the world (as of 2006 ) so clearly your theory on 'if women didn't have these emotions there would be many orphans in the world'. And FYI, of all the seperated and divorced couples I know - the majority of FATHERS are the primary caregivers and the mothers are nowhere in sight, much less involved.

I can also tell you from having been very involved in school activities with both of my children as well as scouting and other volunteer organizations that there is a VERY high ratio of men/dads involved in their children's activities. There were far less moms dropping their kids at school then I expected to see.

You came here and posted looking for advice and support. You got your advice, you prefer to with what was suggested - because you're female and the replies were clearly from men who didn't understand what it's like to be a women.

I'm female. I am very familiar with how it feels to be a woman. I didn't enjoy getting seperated either. I got counselling before my emotions effected my children because it was the right things to do. Get off your ass and help yourself, otherwise you're just a self-pitying whining ex wife who will eventually be too unstable to care for her children at all.

[dinkyface]

Rhonda, the ONLY argument you've made so far against the week about schedule is that YOU are lonely without the kids, and that because YOU are a MOTHER, that YOU must be with your kids. You seem completely unable to understand that a FATHER also feels the need to be with his kids.

And then when people don't respond favourably, you pull out the 'carried in my womb', womens' oppression, blah blah bah stuff.

No sympathy here. This is all about YOU.

And oh gosh, blink, I LOVE your post!

[blinkandimgone]

Thanks, dinkyface. I just can't stand people telling me I'm supposed to be all opressed etc. (it appears I missed the memo??)

I have two kids, both with very different special needs, I work full time, maintain my home, volunteer both with my children's activities and other organizations, I own more than my fair share of power tools, build my own furniture, am capable of roofing and renovating my house on my own. I also do crafts with the kidlets, have read my fair share of bedtime stories, painted toenails, hosted slumber parties, planted flowers and love to wear high heels. I play good cop AND bad cop many days and my kids respect me MORE for it.

I only WISH my kids' father was more engaged in their lives, but I can't force him to be and we are happy, regardless. Not that we don't have many challenges, we do. We aqlso choose to deal with them. I don't see it as a failure on my part thatI chose to get help to deal with my feelings after we seperated even though I was the one who chose to seperate. I see it as doing what needed to be done to be the person I need to be for my children.

I consider myself fairly well rounded, don't dare tell me I'm freaking opressed!!

[standing on the sidelines]

Thanks, dinkyface. I just can't stand people telling me I'm supposed to be all opressed etc. (it appears I missed the memo??)

I have two kids, both with very different special needs, I work full time, maintain my home, volunteer both with my children's activities and other organizations, I own more than my fair share of power tools, build my own furniture, am capable of roofing and renovating my house on my own. I also do crafts with the kidlets, have read my fair share of bedtime stories, painted toenails, hosted slumber parties, planted flowers and love to wear high heels. I play good cop AND bad cop many days and my kids respect me MORE for it.

I only WISH my kids' father was more engaged in their lives, but I can't force him to be and we are happy, regardless. Not that we don't have many challenges, we do. We aqlso choose to deal with them. I don't see it as a failure on my part thatI chose to get help to deal with my feelings after we seperated even though I was the one who chose to seperate. I see it as doing what needed to be done to be the person I need to be for my children.

I consider myself fairly well rounded, don't dare tell me I'm freaking opressed!!

LOL great post!!! I also hate being painted with the same brush by people.

[CISTEAD]

Nice post Blink, at some points I was almost cheering.

Most of my posts on this forum are regarding my current situation with my husbands exwife and the issue we have with his two sons and herself.
However, I have two older boys, (now 21 and 19).
When thier father and I split up, we did the 50/50 thing, however we did it with 3 days on, 4 days off, then 4 days on, 3 days off. It seemed great ! We split all expenses down the middle. Then, two years later....Daddy moved .....only like 10 mins away, but another town, school etc.......my 3 days on turned to 4, 5 and got to the point where they were always with me. I was fine with that, and didn't go to court for money because my boys were happy.
I will say one thing........when we did the midweek exchange, the kids seemed tired and their homework really really suffered.
Just a few of my experiences.......for what its worth.

Rhonda&kids......I think you might need some help. You aren't supposed to be the needy one in the situation. Having an emotionally needy parent is very hard on children.Dont show your kids too much how sad you are......You will make them feel guilty!