Non-cooperating parent

[malvina]

I have a shared parenting with my ex. He set his mind to hate me to the end of his (or my) days. It had come to the point that in order to communicate with him I have to leave the notes in his mailbox (he doesn't use email), because he screens my phone calls and doesn't pick up the receiver. Our child is finishing the elementary school and goes to the junior high, so I really need to discuss stuff related to our kid's education and sport activities, but my ex is deliberately avoiding any contact with me and talks bad about me in front of the kid. If fact, the child told me please not to try to contact the father because the father will be mad and will give him hell.

It's been 5 years since our divorce. My ex was very consistent in displaying the same attitude since the day one of separation, so we had probably only 8 or 9 conversations since then. Because we are in shared parenting situation, I do need to get in contact with my ex time to time. The last time I had to ask the school principal to call my ex and ask him to call me about the school incident our child happened to be involved in.

This situation is becoming increasingly ridiculous because the whole point of the shared parenting is the cooperation between the parents. I don't know what to do. It's very hard on the kid too because his father demonstrate his hostility to me with passion.

Can I complain about my ex's behavior to Child and Youth Services? He respects the authority of public offices and official documents and a call from someone powerful might make him behave better. Is there anyone I can contact about my ex's behavior and how damaging it is for the child?

[blinkandimgone]

Have you asked him how he wishes you to communicate with him about your son?

[billiechic]

Registered letter. I know that is basically what you are doing, but by having it registered you can prove that you are making an effort.

I am in the same boat ( though we use a communication journal). I don't know what we will do once she starts to read, as I don't want her reading it. My ex refuses to use email as well. I am going to ask in our SA that he get an email though.

[HammerDad]

Can I complain about my ex's behavior to Child and Youth Services? He respects the authority of public offices and official documents and a call from someone powerful might make him behave better. Is there anyone I can contact about my ex's behavior and how damaging it is for the child?

No, they won't care. They would not determine that the dynamic between the parents and their inability or unwillingness to communicate a material matter for them to use their resources.

In my opinion, start using a communication book. It goes with the child as they go from house to house. You're not the first parent with this issue and the communication book can be used as a consistent means of at least advising the other parent of what is going on.

If he doesn't want to speak to you there isn't much you can do to force him. You just have to find a consistant method where you can at least communicate for the best interests of the child.

Personally, I don't speak to my ex. I don't answer her calls because they rarely ever go well and are mostly her venting about how bad a dad I am. So now I have limited our communication to email, this way when she starts calling me pathetic and such, I have it in writing.

[NBDad]

so I really need to discuss stuff related to our kid's education and sport activities

Like what? Any kind of reports/activities/issues/notices/etc from the school should be copied and either sent with the child on the access switch, OR should be copied and held at the office for the other parent to pick up on their own time. It's HIS responsibility to make arrangements with the school for this (and the reverse is also true), it's ALSO HIS responsibility to keep himself informed about the child's schooling while on HIS time, just as it's YOUR responsibility on YOUR time.

If he's consistently failing at this and the child's education is suffering (ie. consistent and measurable negative effect) , then this constitutes a material change in circumstance that can warrant a review of the existing access arrangements.

Use a communication book. Or insist on email use. Letters are inadmissible, unless you copy them beforehand and can PROVE he received them. (And who really wants to spend $10-20 a crack to send a registered letter EVERY time?) Otherwise, you can't force someone to communicate with you.

IF he's consistently refusing to co-parent with you, and the child is suffering, then it's grounds to file a motion to have the custody changed accordingly. Co-parenting requires two parents...you cannot co-parent alone, and you can't force someone to cooperate with you.

[blinkandimgone]

If they have an agreement that he has to approve of special expenses before she signs them up for it and sends him a bill I would imagine this would require some form of communication with him.

[malvina]

Thank you all for the replies. I did talk to the Child Services and got the answer that they could do something if there was more to the story, like physical abuse. You are right, they don't want to be involved with the parenting dynamcs.
I also talked to a lawyer about what could be done. Everything that could be done costs so much that I'll be broke at the end of the process and possibly with no satisfactory results.
On the bright side, though, I was able to get my ex on the phone and had a second to inform him that our parenting cooperation needs to be improved before he screamed to me to go speak to his lawyer and slammed the phone down. At least I had a chance to speak my mind if only for one sec.
Thank you for your advice on a communication book. I'm afraid that would be just me writing in such book. Plus my child is in the habit now of hiding my notes to his father because a littlest notice of my existance puts his father on the edge and provokes swearing. Do you think he's insane? It's been 4 years now, and a normal person would go on with his life. And he didn't even love me when we lived together.

[Nadia]

I am in a similar situation in respect to communication. Its been three and half years since we separated and two years since we legally divorced. Conflict remains high as ever. I don't communicate directly with him because of the verbal abuse I receive with each exchange. Communication via email is no better.

Nadia

[malvina]

I think the abusive former partners continue behaving like that because they know quite well they can do that and not being held legally responsible. I wonder if there was any case in Canada when one parent would go to the court and charge another parent for being verbally and emotionally abusive to another parent?

[Mess]

I think that people don't wake up in the morning and think "I am going to be abusive today". It is learned behaviour that is often the result of being abused themselves. I think that many will rationalize it after the fact if they are intelligent and can't reconcile their behaviour with what they know is right or wrong, so they come up with a dozen excuses or apologies, but they aren't in control of their behaviour.

[HammerDad]

I wonder if there was any case in Canada when one parent would go to the court and charge another parent for being verbally and emotionally abusive to another parent?

Charged as in criminally?? I would have to umm...no. And probably rightly so as it would be too a broad area of could be deemed abusive to be managable. As what one person could feel is abusive, may not be the same as the next person.

Personally, I like not having to talk to my ex. I call it "radio silence". Only means of communication we have now is email, and that is so I can save everything she sends me.

[Nadia]

Mess, I have to disagree with when you write:

"I think that people don't wake up in the morning and think "I am going to be abusive today". It is learned behaviour that is often the result of being abused themselves. I think that many will rationalize it after the fact if they are intelligent and can't reconcile their behaviour with what they know is right or wrong, so they come up with a dozen excuses or apologies, but they aren't in control of their behaviour."

Not all people who have been abused themselves turn out to be abusive.
I think one of main reasons some people become abusive and remain abusive post-divorce is because of some serious "control" issues often exhibited in anger. It may also be poor coping skills or failure to come to terms with the new reality.

I married someone who had never been told "no" by his parents, so he always got what he wanted and was never challenged even when his behavior was unacceptable. No boundaries were ever set for him. The marriage didn't last long partly because he was married to someone who didn't do as he wanted on his own terms. Post-divorce little has changed.

He continues to live in his own world of fantasy where he thinks he can tell me what to do and I am supposed to be frightened and intimidated and just do it. He has used every tool at his disposable from involving the police, to dragging me to court on false allegations etc.

The last time we were in court the Judge informed him that if he continued on the course that he planned, he will be deemed a vexacious litigant.

With the Police Department I had to go in and see the most senior police officer I could find and try and sort out all his false allegations. I was informed that I could have him criminally charged for harassment.

But when you have two small children (like we have), you still have try "communicating" with the other parent for the sake of the children. I'm still trying to figure out how that can happen in our case.

Nadia

[billiechic]

NO, not all abusive people have been victims. Not all victims were abused by their family. But in the majority of cases, both are true.

Abuse is a learned behaviour. Whether it was modelled or taught. Abuse often stems from the fear of losing control and insecurities, and so the person attempts to control every little thing they can. Others become abusive because they feel a sense of entitlement, like they deserve more that others. When they don't get what they want , they punish others.

It might not be a conscious thought to be abusive, but at some point, when it has become a regular habit, you have to ask WHY they can't see the damage they are doing to someone they love. While you may not ever intentionally hurt someone, the intention to STOP hurting them was not there either. I may be able to forgive my ex for hurting me, but I cannot forgive him for NOT STOPPING when he acknowledged he was wrong.

[Mess]

Nadia, I did not say that all abusers were abused themselves, so I'm not sure what your point is.

I said that often they were abused themselves, which is true. And as Billie points out, if they weren't directly abused they can learn the behaviour watching others, usually one parent against the other.

I do not believe that anyone makes a concious decision to be abusive, either when they wake up in the morning and plan their day, or when they have a conflict with someone. What they do is engage in their habitual behaviour.

Why don't they see the damage and stop? If we had the answer to that we'd be millionaires. Why don't people see the damage of cheating, why don't they see the damage of overeating, why don't they see the damage of poor hygene? It is human nature to rationalize and make excuses for our behaviour and say "Well it doesn't matter, everyone does that."

Some people wake up at some point, an hour later, or a day later, or a year later, and realize they shouldn't be doing that. And some people don't. Some people choose to seek help, or manage to address it themselves. And some people stay in denial and blame everyone else for what goes wrong.

What's the difference between the two? What is the solution? I don't know. But I don't believe that most people are choosing to be abusers.

[malvina]

My ex wasn't abused in any way as a child or an adult. I think the problem was that in all the years of our living together I never had a direct confrontation with him on anything. I preferred to avoid anything that could provoke an outburst of his anger because I was timid by nature and much younger than him. And also, which is very important, I was financially dependent on him with no family to support me in case he kicks me out.

So he was used to that. We were never emotionally close because our relationship were more like landlord-tenant relationship, and he couldn't bother with asking what makes me happy or unhappy. He was happy, and I kept my mouth shut. When I left, he became uphappy and furious, and I still kept my mouth shut.

After talking to the nice lady at the Distress line yesterday and after she told me about the "abuse cycle" and the danger of the emotional abuse to my child, I think, yesterday it was the first time in 16 years I told my ex what I really think about him. And, of course, got the angry suggestion from him to address all my concerns to his lawyer. Today, I called him again, just in case. No answer. But to my suprise he called back (!), so I told him more what I think about his behavior. I don't know what happened to him but he even agreed to meet in person this week.

I got a feeling that he refuses talking to me for the lengthy periods of time because he created in his mind a vision of me as the worst person in the world and he doesn't want to part with this vision. It's an ego issue. It's like "it's her fault that I'm unhappy because she's a monster". He believes he's never wrong and can't be judged. When he talks to me, the sane part of him probably has some doubts if his behavior is appropriate, that's why he doesn't want to talk to me. To shut down his sane part.

Sorry, too much psychoanalysis