Parent Alienation

[girard]

Soon after my Ex and I settled with no SS in April(was $950). My 14 year old has been coming home with alot of attitude (50-50 access). My daughter 10 years, has been great. As I move forward with my life and continue to spend time with my girlfriend and her children which they both used to rave over. My son barely utters a word, and treats everyone like crap. I have had many talks with him to make sure he is comfortable all the time and he says yes. Until a few weeks ago he stopped coming and now only wants to come every other weekend. I talked with him today and he blamed me for alot of things such as not doing anything with him when he is here, or not treating him fairly compared to his sister. He has everything a kid could want. He has friends over at a moments notice, and I take him anywhere at the drop of a dime. I do not miss a single pitch at his ball games and schedule vacation time at work for games I will miss on afternoon shift. My daughter says he does nothing spectacular at his mom's house and yet he is so angry with me. His mom lives outside the school district and he rarely has his friends over there, but most weekends he has sleepovers here. I can not figure out what is wrong! He says that my gf is the cause of everything but his mom can do no wrong having a baby with another guy and living together, and I live alone. Most of my weekends are me alone with my children but as my girlfriend and I (dating for 2 years) are spending time with her kids too, things are getting worse for me and my son. He packed up some of his things today and said that he wants them to play with his soon to be step brother at his moms(mom's bf has 2 kids too). I feel that he is getting his head filled by his mom so she can go for sole custody of my son, and get a bigger monthly cheque out of me. Neither his mom of her bf have jobs and don't have much $. Believe me, I have offered him the world and he has no interest, just anger. Is it teenager????or am I going to far to believe its Parent Alienation?

Thanks for ay adivice.

[Rioe]

My first guess would be teenage hormones, but you never know. Are you still in good communication with your ex? Can you ask how he's behaving there, or if she's heard about anything that may be going on at school?

Obviously I don't know more than just what you've said about the situation, and I'm certainly not the one to offer advice on the man to youth talk, but he's of an age where kids start keeping secrets from their parents. Perhaps he's got a thing for a neighbour girl, and wants to spend more time at home, and it's nothing to do with you or his mother. Or he may feel conflicted about your girlfriend, and having to share you, even though he may like her. How old are her children?

The more you pressure him to open up, though, the more he'll clam up. All I can suggest is to be a steady influence, but not necessarily a generous one. You say you are offering him the world, but he may perceive it as trying to buy his affection when what he really wants is less tangible. And he may not even know what it is himself.

Just some thoughts. My personal experience with teenage boys is still a decade down the road, and I'm already dreading it!

[HammerDad]

You have to be consistant with him. Also, see about getting him and you into some post-divorce counselling sooner rather then later.

He is probably just having a hard time adjusting. Mom is having a baby. Dad's g/f is around and he probably believes that his sister is being favoured. Although it may appear to you he has everything, he may feel like he is being left out of something. Plus, being a 14y/o boy is a little tough. Starting high school and possibly not seeing old friends as much. Plus going from grade 8 to high school you go from top dog to little fish.

I would also suggest taking a couple weekends and doing something just the two of you if possible. Camping, guy stuff and baseball game, really anything that guys do. Let do it now and then make it a routine of once a month of just you two doing something. It may help him feel more included at a tough age.

[NBDad]

What your son is suffering from is a classic case of....ready for it?


Teenage Boy.


That sounds like most of it, however I wouldn't be surprised if he has some issues over the divorce. As has been mentioned, it may be worthwhile to maybe have him see a counselor or some sort to perhaps help him with any issues he may have. How amicable are things with your ex? Can the two of you present a united front to your son on this issue?

[girard]

Teenage Boy

Thank you for all your help. This Forum really is the best thing for Parents.

I will contact my Ex and ask her about Counselling for our Son. My first instinct is that she will try for full custody of my Son because she has never let off about money through the whole Divorce. But she may surprise me. I find it very funny that this happened 2 weeks after her monthly from me was cut from $1350 to $800.

I guess time will tell.

Thanks again.

[LostFather]

Soon after my Ex and I settled with no SS in April(was $950). My 14 year old has been coming home with alot of attitude (50-50 access). My daughter 10 years, has been great. As I move forward with my life and continue to spend time with my girlfriend and her children which they both used to rave over. My son barely utters a word, and treats everyone like crap. I have had many talks with him to make sure he is comfortable all the time and he says yes. Until a few weeks ago he stopped coming and now only wants to come every other weekend. I talked with him today and he blamed me for alot of things such as not doing anything with him when he is here, or not treating him fairly compared to his sister. He has everything a kid could want. He has friends over at a moments notice, and I take him anywhere at the drop of a dime. I do not miss a single pitch at his ball games and schedule vacation time at work for games I will miss on afternoon shift. My daughter says he does nothing spectacular at his mom's house and yet he is so angry with me. His mom lives outside the school district and he rarely has his friends over there, but most weekends he has sleepovers here. I can not figure out what is wrong! He says that my gf is the cause of everything but his mom can do no wrong having a baby with another guy and living together, and I live alone. Most of my weekends are me alone with my children but as my girlfriend and I (dating for 2 years) are spending time with her kids too, things are getting worse for me and my son. He packed up some of his things today and said that he wants them to play with his soon to be step brother at his moms(mom's bf has 2 kids too). I feel that he is getting his head filled by his mom so she can go for sole custody of my son, and get a bigger monthly cheque out of me. Neither his mom of her bf have jobs and don't have much $. Believe me, I have offered him the world and he has no interest, just anger. Is it teenager????or am I going to far to believe its Parent Alienation?

Thanks for ay adivice.

There is a book I would recommend; Alec Baldwin, A Promise to Myself. Very good read.

[standing on the sidelines]

Thank you for all your help. This Forum really is the best thing for Parents.

I will contact my Ex and ask her about Counselling for our Son. My first instinct is that she will try for full custody of my Son because she has never let off about money through the whole Divorce. But she may surprise me. I find it very funny that this happened 2 weeks after her monthly from me was cut from $1350 to $800.

I guess time will tell.

Thanks again.

hmm coincidence?

[girard]

Counsellor

I went to talk to a Counsellor today about the issue. My son is still opting to stay with his mom when my daughter comes to stay with me. The Counsellor said that I should wait it out a bit and stand my ground as a parent, and not kiss his ass. Anyone I talk to says that he is just being a teenager, but anyone who really knows the situation says that his mom is feeding him. I guess time will tell.

I am all out of fight anymore. I just want my son back.

Thanks for all your advice.

[HammerDad]

Anyone I talk to says that he is just being a teenager, but anyone who really knows the situation says that his mom is feeding him.

Dude, in reality it probably a little bit of column A AND column B. His mom is probably feeding him a bunch of BS, and hormones are probably all over the place.

But yeah, you have to be firm with this, don't give into temper tantrums and be straight up. You're his dad, you're not going anywhere and you are willing to stay the course to be there at the end of the day.

[girard]

Just as I thought

I recieved an email from her asking for more money as she wants my son full custody! Imagine that!

[Elvis]

Have you seen counsellor?

[LostFather]

Custody, has nothing to do with money, is she try to extort money from you by using the children? Money usually come to play when dealing with access.

[dinkyface]

I'd guess that the OP's ex really meant.. "I want more CS money because our son is living >60% with me", and not "I want more CS money because I have sole custody of our son". i.e. misuse of the word "custody".

[girard]

Cousellor

I have seen a counsellor. She said to wait it out. Give the boy some time and no pressure. I am trying to connect with him....meet for a pop....lunch...things ke that. Only a few hours at at time.

When I call to speak to my children when they are with their mom, she rarely picked up the phone, now its even worse. I swear she is feeding them on this!

Meanwhile my daughter and I are having the time of our lives....that is after I pick her up from her Mom's and deal with all the things that her Mom has convinced her that is bad, such as my girlfriend and her children!!!

We will see what happens.
My son wasnt interested in seeing a counsellor. I wish he would but I can not force him.

Still sad, but I have hope things will change.

Anyone know if they will change support payments on a 14 year old child's decision? He may come back and not want to go to his mom's for a few months......then what? Back to court?

Thanks again

[girard]

Custody

Oh yes. She says that our son stayed with her most of last month and she wants me to pay more money to her for that. She even forwarded to me the link for CS tables.

Oh Yes....she is all about the children. NOT!