Q? for other parents about childcare

[blinkandimgone]

I am in a bit of a dilemma about childcare for my children, 11 & 14.

Background:
I was a stay at home mum while they were younger and a work at home mum up until a few years ago when, for various reasons including our separation, I took an 8 - 5 office job in the city which is an hour's drive each way.

The first year, my brother was living with us and watched the children before/after school and throughout the summer while my ex and I were at work. Watching the kids full time was too much for him to handle and he and my ex disagreed a lot over managing the kids and he finally left. About 6 months later, the ex and I physically separated leaving me with custody of the kids on my own.

Last summer, my boss allowed me to work from home with the stipulation that it was a one time deal and wouldn't happen again. The ex stayed with the children on Mondays while I went into work for meetings etc and I worked from home the rest of the time. This summer he wants no part of it.

My dilemma:

I can't afford to put the kids into a program for the summer, I've already booked each of them for a week's long day camp which is about all the extra I can afford. They are getting older and a bit more responsible however the older one has special needs and isn't capable of watching out for the younger one and they are still in a phase of fighting pretty much all the time.

I can't afford someone to come in and watch them full time, my friends and family all have their own jobs to tend to and their dad won't give up any work time to watch them unless he can get parental leave or some other form of paid leave for the time. My work doesn't want me to work from home again this summer.

I've always been here to watch the kids so never had to make other arrangements for them. Are there any other parents in a similar situation? What arrangements do other parents make for their kids for the summer when they work full time?

[logicalvelocity]

Check with your municipality - Sometimes there is subsidized or free programs or activities for kids running throughout the summer months.

[Mess]

It's crunch time, it would have been better (no offense) to look into this months ago, a lot of programs are full up already so it's hard to give you solid advice.

The YMCA has subsidy available, depends on need and if you have a decent income but not enough extra (and I know what that is like) you might not slip in as needy enough.

Some camps will take 14 year olds as volunteers, kind of pre-counsellor training. You don't pay for the camp, they don't pay for the work.

My 13 year old is going to do a kind of co-op at the local pet store this summer, so she goes in and learns to care for the animals and gets preped for a job there when she is old enough.

The 11 year old is tougher to place (not that the above are necessarily easy). If I had to I would take out a bank loan, and at least console myself that the camp fees were deductable.

[NotSoNiceEx]

The Boys and Girls Club are excellent, you can call you local one and they offer all kinds of supervised activities, swimming all kinds of things, you would have to go in and fill in a bunch of forms but they do offer subsidy if you qualify and they are amazing, all of my kids loved going there in the summer. You would have to call now and make it sound urgent, they are great.

[blinkandimgone]

I had already looked into several different summer camps and even with the financial aid we couldn't afford it, especially the special needs camps which cost a LOT more. I checked into the YMCA and boys and girls clubs again and I'm pretty sure we don't qualify for the subsidies and they are only good for a maximum of 50% towards two weeks of day camp.

I did find one program that looked great for the older one but it runs october to may. I've been looking into different options for a couple of months because i knew our situation wasn't going to be any different than last year but I couldn't come up with anything workable.

I find it frustrating because the ex likes to bring up every now and then that he at some point wants 50% custody of the kids, a week on/week off schedule yet he's chosen to live almost an hour away, refuses to make arrangements to get them back and forth to school and refuses to help make any arrangements for them for the summers. I'm not sure what he expects to do with them if they get sick or are off school or during the summers and he refuses to talk about it. I'm pretty sure it'll never happen because he can barely be bothered to make arrangements to care for them as it is but I guess I have to think about it at some point.

I was hoping I'd be making more money by this point and be able to afford more for the kids but despite my best efforts that hasn't happened.

Thanks for all the suggestions, I'm still looking and hoping that karma will come around and come through for me.

[dadtotheend]

I find it frustrating because the ex likes to bring up every now and then that he at some point wants 50% custody of the kids, a week on/week off schedule yet he's chosen to live almost an hour away, refuses to make arrangements to get them back and forth to school and refuses to help make any arrangements for them for the summers....I'm pretty sure it'll never happen because he can barely be bothered to make arrangements to care for them as it is but I guess I have to think about it at some point.

My ex loves her children just as much as the rest of us. But sometimes, as in "every now and then", she talks about the schedule in exagerated terms. She also lives an hour away. Our reality, IMO, is that she talks a big game but doesn't practice or deliver as much as she would like you to believe.

It might happen, or it might not. If not, it's frustrating, but you deal with it.

[blinkandimgone]

Yeah, we deal with it, It makes me sad for the kids that he's so detached and unengaged. They always feel like it's such a hassle for him to spend time with them and are getting afraid to ask for any time with him, especially our older one who has always had trouble bonding with him. I have encouraged and tried to make it easier for the two to bond but it's just never happened. He has always been better at buying them cool or expensive gifts to smooth things over but really, all they want is some time with him.

He gets very defensive when I try to bring it up so I've tried to step back and let them work it out on their own but it's hard to watch the inevitable tears and dissapointment when it doesn't happen.

[logicalvelocity]

That parent does not appreciate what they have... Kids are only that for a short time.

[blinkandimgone]

Preaching to the choir, LV, I've been trying to impress that on him especially since he moved out but his responses are always the same, he has 'lots of time' to fix things, things are 'fine' without me in the picture (interestingly enough I've never NOT been in the picture?), our child 'needs to learn to be more normal and then we can have a relationship' and my personal favourite, 'things are fine between us when the kids aren't around so when they're bigger and need less parenting we can get back together and salvage our relationship then'.

Erm.....no?? It's hard for me to believe someone could be so out of touch with reality to think that I should take care of all the hard times and the kids should do without him for the remainder of their childhoods and he can step back in when it's easier and more convenient for him, that there wouldn't be an overwhelming sense of resentment that neither I or at the very least the children were worth the effort. All I want is for my kids to feel loved and wanted - by BOTH parents.

[logicalvelocity]

Preaching to the choir, LV, I've been trying to impress that on him especially since he moved out but his responses are always the same, he has 'lots of time' to fix things, things are 'fine' without me in the picture (interestingly enough I've never NOT been in the picture?), our child 'needs to learn to be more normal and then we can have a relationship' and my personal favourite, 'things are fine between us when the kids aren't around so when they're bigger and need less parenting we can get back together and salvage our relationship then'.

Erm.....no?? It's hard for me to believe someone could be so out of touch with reality to think that I should take care of all the hard times and the kids should do without him for the remainder of their childhoods and he can step back in when it's easier and more convenient for him, that there wouldn't be an overwhelming sense of resentment that neither I or at the very least the children were worth the effort. All I want is for my kids to feel loved and wanted - by BOTH parents.

Just sharing my own experience...There's many parent's fight tooth and nail for quality time with their kids. Some successful but some not so.

[Nadia]

So how did it work out in the end? Were you able to make alternative arrangements for the boys over the summer?

[blinkandimgone]

I don't have boys. And yes.

[Nadia]

Just re-read your thread, and am sorry to hear that it has been very difficult for you to engage the children's father in their lives. What a shame. How is your relationship with him? Do you think it might be because he wants to avoid any interaction with you and hence avoids the children altogether? Just a thought.
Stick in there and don't give up. He might conform to your way of thinking.

[blinkandimgone]

It is what it is.

[Nadia]

But very, very sad. There is nothing worse for a child then to have a parent that doesn't want to spend time with him/her. You can't "make up" the time later on.

What sort of relationship did he have with them before he left you?