Dealing with boyfriend's difficult ex

[informedmom]

My boyfriend and I each have a child. Mine is seven years old, lives with me and sees his dad every other weekend. My boyfriend has an eleven year old boy with a woman (they were never married) and have been separated since their son was eighteen months old. My boyfriend works shifts so agreed to joint custody at the time of separation with the mother having primary custody.

As we prepare to move in together, we have some concerns. My boyfriend's ex has been very difficult throughout the separation and it appears if parent alienation syndrome is in full force. My bf's son started refusing to sleep over at his dad's three years ago and carries a cell phone on him during his visits so mom can text him. Long story here but in a nutshell, mom seems to be doing a great deal of sabotage here.

My bf sees his son on all of his off days and picks him up for lunch and evenings when he can. He calls him every night to say goodnight. He pays his child support is an excellent father. Mom occasionally cancels visits, constantly texts her son when he is with his dad and is very negative about my son and I. Mom has also been heavily encouraged rep baseball which results in several nights a week of games or practices as well as tournaments. My bf has expressed his concern about baseball interfering with his visits and school but to no avail. Mom tells son that dad "doesn't love him or support him enough" if he doesn't go along. Also, if my boyfriend takes his son to practice or games, she shows up too.

Mom wants to sign the son up for a intensive full-year baseball program. My bf doesn't want to support it but is afraid of the consequences if he doesn't. Our concern is how to balance our time and our lives with his son when the relationship is already strained and the baseball demands so much time. We plan on seeing a counselor to help us make good decisions for both kids but I was wondering if anyone has been through anything similar? My bf doesn't want to go to court as he sees it as a waste of time and money and in the end, if the son is so heavily under mom's influence, then what is the point?

By the way, my bf's son likes my son and I and we all get along well. He tells his mom differently.

Any words of wisdom? Anyone know a good counselor that is good on advising on how to blend families?

[Mess]

Speaking as someone who was once an 11 year old boy, he will very soon be getting sick of his mum texting him all night when he is at his dad's.

Your BF has been doing all the right things. If the boy enjoys baseball that much, he should go for it. Dad should go to the games and practices, watch with pride and cheer him on and sit on the opposite side as his ex and ignore her. The boy just needs to see his dad there with a smile on his face regularly.

Whether the mum is trying alienation or not, if the boy isn't refusing visits altogether and the do fun things and actually spend meaningful time together, then dad is winning. It may be something simple like he prefers his bedroom, or has friends nearby or a favourite activity that he can't do at his dad's.

If they don't have a good time together, if the boy is resentful and angry with his dad, then you have a problem. I don't know from your post how bad that is.

You moving in with the dad will be a huge adjustment for the boy. He may not like you. He has that right. He certainly won't pay attention to your opinion or your instructions. Within a couple of years, he won't pay attention to his mum's instructions either. You have to let him come to you, let him decide what kind of relationship he wants with you, if any. Just be open and don't force it.

Do fun things together as a goup sometimes, and sometimes let him have alone time with his dad, and smile either way. That's what he needs to see, that you are open to his needs and not trying to force anything.

By the time he is a teen, he will have his own opinion about his living circumstances, and it may be very different than now. Don't go to court, you have nothing to go to court for (too much texting?) unless you want some huge custody battle. And trust me, you don't want some huge custody battle.

[standing on the sidelines]

is the kid any good at the baseball? Is it a career path he wants to try? If it is then giving him every advantage is a good idea.

so what if she shows up at the practices or comes to cheer her son on in the game. They are held in public places and she has that right.

As for her texting the son when he is with her dad, yes that is a bit much. There is no need for that especially since he doesn't sleep over. Has the father asked why he doesn't want to sleep over??

She occasionaly cancels visits is very vague. How many does she? I can understand how the baseball interfers with the visits but it is something that can be worked with. Her talking trash about you and your son is a no-no. She has no right to do that but at 11 years of age he can probably figure out that you and your son are not the monsters his mom paints you as.

[informedmom]

Mom's intentions are very questionable. Yes the boy likes baseball but not as much as his mom sees it as her success. She does have a right to go to practices and games but she makes a point of going when it is my boyfriend's time with his son. She shows up and insists on taking him home.

My bf's son is often very resentful and angry when they are together. He says things like, "mom hates you", and "mom is the only person I can trust" and "mom says you don't love me". He will come for visits but is often difficult and moody.

The baseball schedule demands a great deal of time and my bf is so afraid to miss anything for fear of mom turning into something negative. Last time my bf expressed concern about something, mom interfered with several visits (had son call dad and say that he wasn't coming over because he was scared of him). Could she be using the baseball as a way to keep both son and my bf on a short leash? She hasn't ever moved on and doesn't seem to want anyone else to either.

My bf is doing so much right by his son. He is a remarkable and loving dad.

[dadtotheend]

If the kid likes baseball, your BF should support that all the way down the line. He should look on his games as an opportunity for him and his boy to be together, over and above the schedule.

If the boy doesn't like it, or if Mom is pushing him there, he will let everyone know.

You and your BF are in the crappy place where the best you can do is to be patient - extremely patient.

When he says things like "mom hates you", and "mom is the only person I can trust" and "mom says you don't love me" you need to come correct with a answer that protects his regard for his Mom (even if she's a dick) but that deals with his concern:

"I'm(We're) sorry that Mom feels that way. I(We) want to get along."

"You can trust me(us) too."

"I(we) love you very very much. That has always been true and always will be"

[susiecanoe]

Wow that is a tough one. Whenever there is a parent who instigates the alientation stuff on kids, it is almost impossible to alleviate it or prevent it. Don't even think about going to court, they cannot stop it! . What you really don't want though is to let on the child that you suspect it is occurring because he will be caught in the middle. He wants to love his mother and he wont believe she is capable of doing that to hurt him. ( UNless of course it is severe) I understand your BF concern's that if he doesn't go along, Mom can easily twist this into a statement that "Dad" is not interested enough to attend your baseball. However, I would suggest an open and honest talk with the child, explaining that Dad and you would like to attend all of the games, but it is not always possible. If you have your son living with you full time and you are planning on moving in with your bf, you need to also leave yourself, your bf and your son time to connect and build a relationship as a family with your own interests too. Maybe, your bf ( please not you, the child will resent it) can talk to his son and ask him if there are activities he would like to do while at the new home. Yes, Dad and Lad time alone without you and your son will be critical. He can also be asked respectfully if while at your home, he turn off his cell for a period of time. I believe honesty is the best approach, so you don't need to discuss your concerns about Mom's behaviour, but you can tell this child that it is a new change for everyone, and you would like him to know that it is ok to talk openly and honestly about what ever he may be experiencing.

I do hate to say it though, if Mom continues in her alienation, he may not have the courage or the capacity to completely to stand up against it. Mine certainly did not. So I must now likely wait until he is an adult before he reconnects. I miss him but I know one day he will come back.

[informedmom]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel badly for you and for any parent that is dealing was parent alienation syndrome (PAS). I hadn't ever heard of it but seeing it in practise is terrible. The mom of my bf's child has a lot of power and control and it frightens me seeing how much damage she can do.

I appreciate all the suggestions on coping and handling the situation. Our first priority will always be the kids.

My bf's son refuses to turn the cell off and will sneek away to the bathroom to use it. He refuses to visit if he can't have it so we will just have to learn how to deal with it but it is hard as it is a constant battle.

[logicalvelocity]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel badly for you and for any parent that is dealing was parent alienation syndrome (PAS). I hadn't ever heard of it but seeing it in practise is terrible. The mom of my bf's child has a lot of power and control and it frightens me seeing how much damage she can do.

I appreciate all the suggestions on coping and handling the situation. Our first priority will always be the kids.

My bf's son refuses to turn the cell off and will sneek away to the bathroom to use it. He refuses to visit if he can't have it so we will just have to learn how to deal with it but it is hard as it is a constant battle.

One of the best books I read on PAS was "Divorce Poison"

Dr. Richard Warshak, Psychologist, Author of Divorce Poison, and Authority on Alienated Children

Various examples and techniques to deal with the other parent are given.

[standing on the sidelines]

My bf's son refuses to turn the cell off and will sneek away to the bathroom to use it. He refuses to visit if he can't have it so we will just have to learn how to deal with it but it is hard as it is a constant battle.

then do not make it a battle. By doing that you are playing right into her hands. Once you make it a non-issue then the whole thrill of doing it just because you say no will be gone. Is he texting his friends and wants to keep in contact with them??

[informedmom]

No...that is the problem. He and his mom text the entire time. He tells her that he isn't having a good time or complains about having to be with his dad and I and she sympathizes with him. She will also text him and tell him to lie to his dad about homework so he can come home early. It is a really unhealthy situation. When my bf tells him to put the phone away, he goes to the bathroom to use it.

[NBDad]

So lay down some rules. He's there for his time with his father. Take the damn phone away, put it on top of the fridge and leave it there until it's time for the visit to end.

[informedmom]

I don't actually think there is an answer to this issue and I trust my bf's judgement with his son. I am just seeking support and ideas for a very disruptive and controlling issue that will ultimately become my issue when we move in together. Mom supports the use of the phone and son won't visit without it. It is a very unhealthy leash and unfortunately for my bf, fighting it doesn't do it any good. Ground rules are explained but it just forces sneaky behaviour.

I have read many posts on this forum where a custodial parent prevents or severely affects the relationship between the child or children and the NCP. It is disgusting. In our case, visits are happening but for some reason, mom (CP) feels the need to interfere by providing and constantly using the cell phone.

[NBDad]

Unfortunately it appears your BF is willing to support the behaviour from his son. Have clear rules set about the use of the phone, and if the rules are not followed, take the phone away. If it creates sneaky behaviour, then punish said behaviour in an age appropriate way.

This is all pretty basic parenting. Otherwise the child is just going to do whatever he damn well pleases.

If the mother's behaviour is alienating the boy, then perhaps look into other alternatives or investigate a possible return to court to have a parental capacity assessment ordered due to alienation.