Am I crazy on this one...

[officenurse]

....my child's father and I rotate March Break. He has her this year. At 1:30pm today (Friday before March Break) he calls me at the office and leaves a voicemail message that he is going to the US on business until Tuesday night (in fact he was already at ther airport waiting for his flight)....BUT his wife will still pick our child up and take her for the week. She is working so the nanny will watch both my 9 year old and their 1.5 year old on Monday and Tuesday.

I told him this was completely unacceptable and advised him that his wife was not to pick her up and that he could resume his March Break with her when he returned to Canada on Tuesday night.

Was I out of line?

As a step mother is she automatically considered a guardian?

He has now threatened to take me to court.

[Mess]

I think you were quite a bit out of line, but you have some room to grow.

"Completely unacceptable" doesn't leave much wiggle room. Maybe when you have the March break access you take the week off so you can be with her 24/7, but a lot of people work and have to utilize nannies and daycares and relatives.

It would have been great if the two of you could have worked it out between you, he had to travel at the last minute, are you free? Did you make plans already? Could you take her? Could he then have extra make-up time later in the month? That would be co-operative. He could have offered that. You could have offered that instead of "Completely unacceptable" and maybe he would have worked it out.

Presuming he had to do this at the last minute, and had little choice. I would have said "Somewhat unacceptable".

I don't think you should really be ordering him or his wife around, saying what they will or will not do on their legal access time. Suggest, request, offer, yes, all those things. I don't think you would appreciate it if the shoe was on the other foot.

A step-parent in this situation doesn't have any legal standing, but it is still his legal access time. If you feel this is an ongoing problem, you should seek a change in your agreement that the other parent have the option of care if one parent is unable to be home, instead of utilizing a daycare or a nanny. This has to go both ways of course. It means you should report to him whenever you have a date and need a babysitter.

[officenurse]

Dear Mess..."I have room to grow?" What exactly are you talking about?

He was not able to utilize his access with her because he was/is NOT in the country....his wife does not have legal access to her. Do you really think it makes sense for my daughter to spend 4 days with a woman she does not like rather than stay home with her mother and grandparents?

This trip was not last minute...he told my daughter about it last Wednesday.

It was wrong, plain and simple.

You have to know the history to really appreciate the situation....but thank you for your thoughts.

[representingself]

You have to know the history to really appreciate the situation....but thank you for your thoughts.

When you provide vague details and only your version of the story, you are bound to get advice that you disagree with...

You asked if people thought you were "out of line".... and from your initial post.... you were.

You shouldn't get angry when people disagree with you. If you came here looking for a thumbs up and a pat on the back, then you are in the WRONG place...

[today]

I have to admit I would be extremely annoyed, however it is the other parents time. It is the reality of divorce and working parents. Proper etiquette would suggest he offer you an opportunity but not necessarily something he must do. We all parent in different ways and do not usually agree with the other, however we must live with it and it is seldom harmfull to the child.

[Mess]

As I said, you were out of line, but you have room to grow, it's possible to be even more out of line.

You did not have legal access to your child on those dates either. What makes sense is to keep your temper and deal with your husband like a sensible, reasonable adult, not a child throwing around exagerated terms like "completely unacceptable".

The question wasn't was the father out of line, it was whether you were. Could he have handled it better, yes he could, and I said so. Could you have handled it better? Yes you could, and I said so.

It takes two to maintain a conflict like the one you have with your ex. You are a part of it. Your child is not benefiting from it.

[tugofwar]

What if he had picked her up and then took off on the trip? You would have had no idea what was happening until he came back and at the point it would have been too late.
It would have been good if he gave you the heads up as soon as he knew what was going on and not waited till the last minute to call and tell you, leaving you, your daughter and his new wife to have to deal with this.
Personally he probably should have explained the situation and yes I think it would have been better for you to have her but the way things are going it doesn't really matter I guess who is watching her on his time. sorry about your situation

[blinkandimgone]

Maybe it is a good opportunity for the child and her step mom to spend some time together to grow their relationship if your child is not currently all the comfortable with the step mom?

[tugofwar]

Maybe it is a good opportunity for the child and her step mom to spend some time together to grow their relationship if your child is not currently all the comfortable with the step mom?

Are you serious???? Really yes in the perfect world everyone would get along just great and dandy.

But really, I think I would want to see my daughter over the stepmom!

And why doesn't the ex try to work this out beforehand instead of leaving her hanging and angry as I see why she would be.

HE didn't help in the matters and now mother is suppose to be like "Yes i would love for my daughter and her step mother to have some quality one on one time"

It should be up to HIM to do that. HONESTLY

[NBDad]

I agree that the father should have been a little more open in terms of his business trip, however is the reaction you had common to such conflicts between the two of you?

Going by the reaction I can understand why he might be hesitant to share anything with you.

He is under 0 obligation to inform you of his plans. Is it the adult thing to do, certainly...does he HAVE to...nope.

Was I out of line?

Short Answer...yes, you allowed your frustration with being informed at the last minute to get the better of you.

As a step mother is she automatically considered a guardian?

No, but there are some very easy ways around that. All he would have had to do is send his new wife with a letter stating she was picking the child up on his behalf for his access time, listing the date, his signature and his phone number. That + a copy of the court order is all she needs.

At that point, would you have been able to stop her from picking the child up? The answer is No, though that's assuming there is an actual court order in place.

Since she would have been acting on his behalf to transport the child for his access time, with his permission, you would have no right to stop her.

If you had contacted the police, who would they have sided with? Not you. They would most likely not wish to be involved, but if they were called, then YOU would be the one in the wrong.

If there is a court order, are you in contempt of it....technically yes, you denied him his legal access. Would this actually make it to court...probably not. He's probably threatening that to try to drive the point across.

It is HIS legal access time. Unless there is something stating otherwise in a court order, what he chooses to do with her, who he decides to have watching her, transporting her, etc, or whether or not HE decides to spend time with her...it's not your business. (An area where you would have CONCERN, perhaps...your business...no...unless you have reason to believe the child is being abused or is in danger from the father's household).

If you have concerns about the new wife, or about this kind of thing happening, Mess has given you some good advice on how to modify your existing order to prevent such occurences in the future.

As it stands, you were out of line, you were angry, and YOU were in the wrong. (I'm NOT saying it's not an understandable or non-justifiable reaction, it *was* a pretty prickish thing to do)

However, that's the truth, like it or not. You trusted him at some point enough to have a child with him, you have to at least trust in the fact that he is not going to put her in harm's way, and that he has made appropriate arrangements for her care when he is not there.

The adult thing to do here would be to offer him an apology for your reaction, explain that you were upset and frustrated by the last minute notice, and offer a solution to the issue to prevent it from happening in the future. Whether that's offering up extra time for the days he misses, or adding that clause in that Mess suggested (it's called the "right of first refusal") or whatever.

[blinkandimgone]

Are you serious???? Really yes in the perfect world everyone would get along just great and dandy.

But really, I think I would want to see my daughter over the stepmom!

And why doesn't the ex try to work this out beforehand instead of leaving her hanging and angry as I see why she would be.

HE didn't help in the matters and now mother is suppose to be like "Yes i would love for my daughter and her step mother to have some quality one on one time"

It should be up to HIM to do that. HONESTLY

I agree, he should have been more upfront about his plans sooner. It's important for the parents to know how and where to reach each other if there is an emergency so she should definately be aware that he will be away.

And yes, I'm serious. You are saying she should make a fuss over the child spending time with the step mom to foster a better relationship simply because she is upset that she was not informed sooner. When will parents stop letting their negative feelings affect the kids?

It SHOULD be up to him to help build the relationship between his child and wife, perhaps he thought the 'girl time' together would be good for them. Or perhaps it didn't occur to him that it would be a problem because....it shouldn't be a problem.

But really, I think I would want to see my daughter over the stepmom!

It's not about what the parent wants, it's about what is best for the child. Parents SHOULD want and encourage their children to spend quality time with their step parents - and yes that includes your ex spouse's new spouse. If they will be a part of their children's lives then they should get to know them very well and be comfortable with them.

Why do people object so much to their children having MORE people in their lives to love them?

If she is a horrible abusive person, I could see it being different. That hasn't been said. The child should enjoy going to visit their home and having a better relationship with her step mother would go a long way towards that.

'A perfect world' doesn't just happen, it has to be built.

[#1StepMom]

You have been offered some excellent advice.

As a stepmom myself, who happens to have been with her stepson's father since before the child's birth, I have suffered through all the "evil stepmother" attacks on behalf of my stepson's biological mother.

It did not stop until one day in court, when the judge spoke openly to the three of us, stating the following:

- The child currently has three loving parents in his life, and perhaps will one day have four. Two are blood related, and one is not but loves him just the same. You should be grateful that your child has been so lovingly accepted and loved and cared for by his stepmother. Not every child is so fortunate.

- The father's access time is his access time. Who he chooses to act in his place to pick-up or drop-off the child, or to care for the child should he not be available to do so himself is up to his discretion. Even if the father is absent for an extended period of time, it is beneficial for his son to develop or strengthen his relationship with his family... grandparents, aunts and uncles, or step-parent... during his father's absence.

- The father has the right to cancel his access and request a make-up time if he so chooses.

Now, this may seem "completely unacceptable" to you, but it is the honest truth of what we were told by a family court judge.

Just some food for thought in today's reality of blended and step-families.

[tugofwar]

Im sorry I just blinked, and your not gone.

I understand where u are going with this, but how many people can really put there anger aside when given a little surprise. He didn't even talk to her, just left her a voicemail message.
In the perfect world they would have discussed this then. He probably knew it would have been a problem and instead of talking to her directly, took the coward way out and left a voicemail message and leaving it for the girls to fend for themselves.
I get it, he can do whatever he pleases, guess what's the difference if his parents said they were going to take the child in place of the parent.
Maybe we should have a "VENTING" category where people can post things they kind of feel without the rest ripping into them
Im sure you have great points to get across and are doing so as stating the facts but come on now, how many people are as open as you claim to be?

[tugofwar]

Who he chooses to act in his place to pick-up or drop-off the child, or to care for the child should he not be available to do so himself is up to his discretion..

What is protecting the children from cases of that party who is coming to pick up your child instead of ex enjoys drinking everyday and see's no problem in drinking and driving and actually thinks it's funny, what do you do in that case? Surprise mr.drunkass is coming up to my door and I had no idea and Im gonna say "here you go"
or make sure I have it in an order not to have them pick the child up.... man this could be a very long list

[blinkandimgone]

Im sorry I just blinked, and your not gone.

I understand where u are going with this, but how many people can really put there anger aside when given a little surprise. He didn't even talk to her, just left her a voicemail message.
In the perfect world they would have discussed this then. He probably knew it would have been a problem and instead of talking to her directly, took the coward way out and left a voicemail message and leaving it for the girls to fend for themselves.
I get it, he can do whatever he pleases, guess what's the difference if his parents said they were going to take the child in place of the parent.
Maybe we should have a "VENTING" category where people can post things they kind of feel without the rest ripping into them
Im sure you have great points to get across and are doing so as stating the facts but come on now, how many people are as open as you claim to be?

You're right, I'm not gone, lol. I guess I just don't approach every situation assuming the actions were taken to upset me or the choices were made irresponsibly. If the child is not in any danger then I see absolutely no problem with it and I don't think its healthy for anyone involved to shoot first and ask questions later, which tends to happen when one's first reaction is anger.

If someone is showing up to pick up a child drunk, parent, friend or otherwise, then the person who is currently responsible for the child has every right to refuse to hand the child over even if that person is not the child's parent. The law protects the child in that anyone who would release a child to another adult who is clearly intoxicated and driving would be equally irresponsible. The proper and expected action would be to call the police immediately and report the drunk driver. There is nothing wrong with standing up for the rights of the child, yours or someone else's.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not ripping into anyone for the way they feel, just providing a different perspective.