idiot here ;)

[Tim Cash]

Ok tis the standard on again off again relationship, been 3 yrs , we do own a home both on title , she had a child 6 months old when we got together , I have fathered her since then, she is 3 now and love her like my own. So please understand when I say "my kids" she is considered my kid.

She left the home with the child 10 months into the relationship, but we continued to carry on the relationship. Now we have since had a baby who is now 1 yr old. I do spend every weekend with my kids unless she is having a bad day and decides to not allow me to , keep in mind they used to come to my home . Now she has her own place she has made it very clear I need to come there if I want to see the kids. I agreed to this as her place is set up for the kids , But understand she is doing that to carry on the relationship.

When she first left she was staying at her fathers house, and she used to come to the home throughout the week with our daughter and every weekend and for the first 6 months of having our son. So truly its only been 6 months of her in her new place that I have been going there on weekends and sometimes during the week.

I dont know if any of this makes any seance?

[billiechic]

parenting a child for 10 months is not a long time for establishing a parenting relationship (unless you were a bio parent or legally adopted). Accept that you love that little girl and hope that you can be part of her life. It was too short of a relationship for any court to give you legal rights to her.

Why haven't you set up your home for the kids? If you want to be a parent it should be your priority to make a place in your life , and home, for them. Obviously she accepted your place as safe and a good environment for the first 6 months, therefore she has no reason to insist access happen on "her ground" now.

Your child is old enough now to be away from his mom for long periods of time, possibly even overnight. There is no reason (that you have given) for you not to have the child without her present. Start asking for time with him at your place. Make sure you have a car seat, safe transportation and a safe place for him to sleep. Once you have all that in place then you need to put your request in writing.

See how easy that was??

[Tim Cash]

a little more info for you, I have had them both for extended periods of time , I have a safe place for them , remember it was our home , I said once before it was easier to comply then resist, yes it's my fault for allowing it to happen and for allowing the relationship to go on ...and on and on. Now b4 I get beat up again , I am not looking for a hug , I realize my mistakes.
She for the most part is fine until one of two things come into question , 1st the house, 2nd my not wanting to continue on the relationship. That is when there are problems.
Now when you say I have no legal rights to our daughter it breaks my heart ...she has been my baby girl since 6 months and when I see the kids I see them both and have since she left . Not sure that makes any difference. Her bio father lives in Ireland and sees her once a year, so regardless of whats legal and what rights I have if not on paper she will ALWAYS be in my life.

[Tim Cash]

I have read that the courts will have a counselor talk with the kids ...the ones that are old enough, and also watch the reaction of the kids with the parents?

I know love alone does not make a good parent , but it should certainly be part of the equation? The rest can be proven right?

The home is set up for the kids , each has a room and toys and ....everything a kid needs , her problem is or was that our dog had brought home fleas, and yes I understood not having them here until that was resolved and it has been , no my home is not Martha Stewert worthy but it most certainly a fine home for kids. Big yard nice neighborhood.

When she is angry , It makes no difference .

[billiechic]

Your kids are VERY you to participate in this. The Office of the Children's lawyer could help, but at their age their "opinion" is not relevant. Your interaction with them is.

While you may not have much legal standing to the older girl do your best to be in her life. If your ex is willing to accept you as her "dad" then that is the best argument for you legally (and emotionally).

Remember though that if you are acting as her parent they the ex has every reason to expect for you to pay child support for the older child as well. And the courts will support that. CS is a small price to pay though to have 2 kids love you.

[Tim Cash]

Oh I agree 100% but I dont think bio dad is ready to give up his rights to her , he is paying CS to her and a large amount I might add. I do know when she asks for Daddy she means me And I love it when she does. And I dont think the ex will give up the $1400 a month just to hit me with CS ...cuz I gota say she will take a huge loss.

[dadtotheend]

If you can't get her to agree to have your child spend time with you, and she hasn't so far except as to forcing you to visit at your ex's home, you're only real recourse is to bring an application to the courts.

Tell her that unless you can come to a meeting of the minds on your child's right to have access to you, then you will be left with no alternative but to pursue this in the courts.

If after that she remains stubborn, then repeat that position in a letter that you send by registered mail. Don't pour your heart out to her in the letter. The courts don't give a damn about your feelings, rightly or wrongly. Stick with the facts and remain child centred, in other words your whole argument is that the child needs quality time with both parents.

I'll say it again, because you are clearly very upset about everything that has transpired, don't get emotional in the letter or with her. Just state that the child needs time with both of you, that you have a home that meets your child's needs, and leave out the emotional baggage.

The minimum the courts will give you is every other weekend and one night a week (maybe overnight, maybe a few hours). Even if you screw up, that's what you will get. Play your cards right, and you can end up with joint legal custody and 50/50 parenting time.

Finally, let her be the one that acts like an ass to the courts. Her position that you can only come see the child at her location sounds controlling and unreasonable. Don't fight with her on it, let her shoot herself in the foot in the courts. At all times, act and appear to act as reasonably as possible.

See how easy that was??

[Tim Cash]

Thanks, and yes I do see. I have read a lot of posts you have made and you do know what your talking about , that was never in question. Thanks for giving me a ....4th chance. Its funny you mention letting her burn herself ...she has a very very bad temper and it would only be a matter of time before the courts got a taste of it. Thanks again.

[NBDad]

You need to put forth an offer to her ASAP for SHARED 50-50 custody, with CS paid based on offset table amount. (You take what you would pay her off the table, then take what SHE would pay you, and the person paying MORE gives the difference to the person paying less).

Unless she is breastfeeding the child, there is NO reason that you should not be allowed to have the child for extended periods. (Very young child should see each parent at minimum once every 2 days, according to the latest child psycho-babble) Personally I don't put much stock in psychologists, but that's what the professional head shrinkers are likely to tell you, do with that info what you will.

IF she refuses, go along with her for now, but start paying her offset table amounts of child support for the one child you have together immediately. You want to come off as the reasonable, responsible parent.

Aside from that, either get a lawyer, or get your butt to court and file an application. You really want to push the fact of NOT going to her home soonest. It's probably a pretty raw wound at this point, and if you are serious about no longer continuing it, you need to separate from that part of her life.

[blinkandimgone]

Just to add to NBdad's post, make sure any money you're paying her is by cheque, then you have a paper trail. It couldn't hurt to write on the front of the cheque 'child support for Bobby and Sally'.

I'm not sure but I would think if you could be held responsible for child support payments 'in loco parentis', the courts would most likely give you access as well. Having both of the kids spend time with you may also help establish status quo with the girl and help you gain access to her as well, I would think but don't know for sure for common law relationships.

Anyone know how that works?

[Tim Cash]

Hi thanks everyone for the input, Is there a standard agreement letter with proper wording ...I dont want to sound like a moron?....easy everyone lol left myself wide open there.

[NBDad]

Not really, I'm sure you could find something around. Cheques work, or you can also use email money transfer if you are setup for online banking.

Essentially you want a paper trail, and to establish she was fully aware it was for Child Support.

Basically you want to begin VOLUNTARILY paying her offset table amounts, even in the absence of an actual court order.

[Mess]

Tim, the Surving your Divorce book I recommended has several example documents in the back, an example separation agreement and example offer for example.

[Tim Cash]

thanks Mess , I did find one and if you have the time could you read it and see if I have made any mistakes??? I do understand if you are reluctant to.

[Tim Cash]

well its too long to post ...but i think I did ok...but I can post the e-mail I sent after ...

Look I hope you read the offer and read it well...If you read it with an open mind you will find I am only wanting to be a good father for my son, I have left the times blank as I do want to do what is best for him so I think we need to sit and talk about that, It is up to you if we need to have 3rd parties involved in figuring that out , but I think we can do this as I know we both love him and want whats best for him.

I have a date that has to be entered for this offer to expire and it is 1 month from today, at that point I will ask if you accept it or not and then I will proceed with other avenues of securing my rights as a parent to a child I love.

I do know that this house is a sore spot for you and I did try and speak to you in regards to this house , and also made you an offer on that as well , still not sure you really meant it when you said "Fine" but that offer still stands.

Unfortunately I have been advised not to continue to come to your place to see the kids, rather Callum should come here , I only hope you don't make that difficult as it's our son who will be damaged from that. The house will be clean and fit for him and you will be more then welcome to come and have a look, I will do whatever it takes to ease your mind that OUR son will be well cared for. This should not be a problem as both kids have been here in the past for long extended periods of time (meaning 3-4 days).

Please let me know asap if there is anything you would like to discuss, change or ??? anything.