Access when children are sick

[Nadia]

Not sure if anyone out there has been in a similar position, but would like to hear views in any case.

I was forced to take both children to the ER at 4am this morning. We were discharged six hours later with instructions on care at home and recommendation that should symptoms not improve/worsen they be brought back to the ER. My ex has his access tonight and I have sent an email via my lawyer, explaining that given the severity of illness, the children will not be able to travel out to him tonight. However, there will be a make up visit tomorrow night. Is this reasonable?

[Nadia]

I should add that ex lives an hour and half away in a different locality and that the children's symptoms included high fever, frequent vomiting and shortness of breadth.

[representingself]

Keeping the kids comfortable is what is best for them when they are ill. Travelling for an hour and a half isn't.

Your ex may be angry about it, but stand your ground. You are doing what is best for the kids.

Continue to offer a make-up time, but I wouldn't promise him anything for tomorrow...there is no way that you can be sure the kids will feel up to it so soon...

Breaking another agreed upon time will only add fuel to the fire.

[singledad99]

Your offer is very reasonable.

Just a comment regarding email through the lawyer. Try to deal with such matters directly as it is better for children unless you have a communication restrictions for any reasons. My ex and I don't get along at all but at one point we both agreed that lawyers should not be involved in day to day issues.

[billm]

It is reasonable and obvious.

Going through a lawyer is over the top (though I don't know anything else about your situation).

Your ex is a parent as well and you must work together and respect that you are not 100% in charge of your children, and that sometimes he will do things that you do not agree with. I often tell myself not to stress about things that I don't agree with when it comes to my ex and the kids - she has a right to be their parent, and because we are separated I concede to let most things go when it is the kids time with their mom. My point is that going through a lawyer sends the message that you will make the final decision and not be open to discuss it -- and that I don't agree with.

[Nadia]

Unfortunately, I have no choice but to go through my lawyer.

In the past if I have contacted my ex directly, he has either denied he was ever contacted. Even where an email was sent, he denies ever receiving it. He then turns up at my front door accompanied by police officers claiming he has been denied access to his children.

When I have picked up the phone and left a message for him, he has contacted the police claiming he is being harassed by his ex.

So, just don't have a lot of choice. Aside from costing me $$ each time I need to communicate, it is really frustrating.

[tugofwar]

You have to keep thinking about the children's needs first! If they were that ill and were advised to stay at home then so be it.
Whoever has really been there more for the children are the ones they want when they are sick and not feeling well.
I have read places that the mother keeps the child when they are sick (I think it was an order or something)
Thought that was alittle outrageous, the other parent is good all the other time.
I wouldn't worry about the ex and not agreeing. That just looks immature if he's putting himself before his children. Besides, if they are that sick, do you really think he will take care or would want to take care of them?
Did you get anything in writing from ER?

[Mess]

From the time they came home from the hospital, I fed, bathed, changed my babies, cleaned up throw up, changed wet sheets in the middle of the night, combed lice out of their hair, did laundry multiple times a day when they were sick and eveything was covered in vomit and diarhea.... I stayed home with them when they were off school, patched their skin and their pants when they fell, and held them when they were crying. And which is not to say that their mum didn't do these things too, she did. We both shared.

The kids more often than not cry for me when they were in distress. Some of the neighbour mom's were actually surprised at this, I know it's not totally common, but it's not impossible.

If the dad is willing to step up and fully become an involved parent and care for them when they are sick, then he should have that opportunity.

That said, Nadia I am totally on your side in this, if it were me I would tell my ex to keep them with her for a few days. And if they were that sick with me, she would equally tell me to keep them for a few days.

[NBDad]

1. Send your ex an email, CC your lawyer.

2. Get a doctor's note from the ER indicating that the doctor does not want them to travel until they are feeling better. (Might cost you a little bit of $$$ to have the doctor write a note).

That way if your ex shows up at your door with the police....you have the police call CAS...end of story. (There is ALWAYS an "on call" CAS person...ALWAYS). Something like this they'd have a field day with.

[Nadia]

We ended up in the Emergency Room at the Hospital for Sick Children in the end. Just got back home. I have a copy of all the tests that were done and results along with diagnosis and recommendations.

Thank you for all the feedback

NB Dad - you make some excellent points

Mess - I wish my ex did as much as you do, (has difficulty attending medical appointments that are court ordered.) I would also prefer my ex to keep them for a few days if they were ill. The last thing they need is an an hour and half drive on the highway back to my house when they are throwing up. However, when they are sick and happen to be with my ex, they usually return a day early.