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child running the access

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  • child running the access

    Hello all,
    It's been a while for me, but the time's come again for me to post something. I'll give you a little background as to what's been happening. I lost my job in the town that my kids are in and had to take a job 700kms away from them. I still try to maintain my every second week access, but my ex has been trying to buck that lately. In the beginning of November, I had my kids for my access, about a week after, I was phoned from the ex and accused of mentally manipulating my kids. She accused me of driving the kids past the old marital home, which was sold 2.5 yrs ago, and telling them, "see girls, that's where we used to live when we were a family." I told my ex that I would never do that and have not driven past the house with the kids and that the only house I've ever pointed out to them was the house I grew up in. My ex straightens my 5yr olds hair. I've always objected to this as my 5 yr old has a strawberry on her lip since a baby and shouldn't be worried about hair styles and just be a kid, but my ex continued to do so until recently. My daughter has beautiful hair, and she would always get excited with me when she had curls after a bath, I got accused of putting that in her head. I also got accused of discussing cs with my 5 yr old. My ex even told me that my oldest told her bf about the house ordeal and she has not heard the words come from my daughter.
    What has been happening is that my ex tried to tell me that it's not written in our agreement that I get my kids every second week, but it is stated that access would be revisited after june 30/2009. Now my ex, from these accusations is telling me that I can't have my children every second weekend. I know I need to try and find an arrangement with her, but she doesn't listen unless it's an order of the court, and from the fall of the forestry industry, I'm trying to rebuild myself and can't afford court proceedings.
    My main issue has to be with my youngest daughter. For some reason, she doesn't want to come with me anymore. I just had my kids for my xmas access, and the first night was just with my oldest, which was great because I haven't had time alone with her in 3 years, but my youngest should've been there and my oldest would even say that once in a while. The next day, I spoke with the ex, and she said that my youngest doesn't want to come for xmas so that was how it was going to be. I told her that whatever is going on with her, she needs to fix it because my youngest belongs with me and my oldest. She told me that I need to fix it and hung up. About a half hour later, she called me back and offered for me to just show up and see if that worked. I know that she probably talked to someone and they told her that she'd better get me my daughter or there would be reprocussions. My oldest was excited and even talked my youngest into coming. My ex, with my youngest being difficult about this, told me that if she wanted to come back to my ex's house, to call at any time and she would come and get her. Sure enough, when my youngest's head hit her pillow, she wanted to go to her mom's house. So, my oldest daughter asked if she could call. I know it wasn't the right thing for me to do, but I wanted to show that I had my daughters feelings in mind. I'm troubled as to what my action should be to rectify this situation. I know that my youngest is not getting the support she needs from her mother to spend time with her real dad. Both my kids call my ex's bf dad, along with calling me dad. Any suggestions as to how I can make this work. My ex is saying that she's not going to force my daughter to spend time with her dad because she wants to keep this child's respect. I think it's a crock, and am ready to say, you fix this, or the courts will force you to fix it.

  • #2
    I sympathize with your situation. I just logged in here today out of frustration because of the same thing. My partner's children are dictating access. We just got a text that they aren't coming because they don't want to. No phone call, no merry christmas, just that. It is sad because the children have been systematically alienated like your children are starting to be. If it doesn't stop, the kids will only get worse. The children need counselling. She will most likely oppose it.
    If(i know you have no money) you took her to court, the judge would force her to encourage and insist the children go to your access or she would be in contempt of court.

    If we let children dictate their behavior and actions, this world would be a total mess. They cannot make decisions like this because not seeing one parent is not in their best interests.

    Very sad for you I am sure.


    • #3
      see, the frustrating part is, they tried this on my oldest when she was the same age, and we've been seperated since my youngest was only 4 months, and until the past month, the bond that I've had with her was absolutely amazing. Once we got away from her mom's house, she immediately started telling me that she loves me. Came to me throughout the day out of nowhere and would ask for hugs, then really squeeze me and say, "daddy, I love you." I know that kids in this type of situation will start to play on each parents emotions to try and get the most attention they can. I think the major thing that troubles my children is that my ex went and had a child with her bf within 2 years of us splitting up, so my kids are also confused why their new half-brother doesn't go with them to spend time with me. I really want to pursue this in the courts, but like motions court, if I'm successful, would she be responsible for my legal fees since I was forced to bring this action?


      • #4
        Well, theoretically the losing party is to pay costs at a motion but in actuality, it doesn't always happen. Frequently the "success" is divided in the judge's eyes so each party is to bear their own costs. Or if the judge thinks that both parties were not unreasonable in their cases no costs are awarded.

        I have been awarded costs before in a motion and have yet to be awarded anything near the actual legal costs for that day. The most I was awarded was $2500.00 when my costs for that motion were billed over 4000.00.

        Parental alienation is the most insidious form of child abuse imaginable. For children to turn off their affection for a parent because of the other parent's comments/manipulations is truly sad.


        • #5
          I'm very aware of PAS. I've looked into it quite a bit when things were really bad in my divorce. I mentioned it to my lawyer and he didn't want to act on it. Now I have about a year and a half since things were settled and some more evidence of PAS which I would want to be used as my argument. I'm currently talking to a new lawyer, and dependant upon what he says, I will decide if I can push forward. I know that I have 3 options, and one does not even enter my mind, but it is an option. 1) fight like hell, lawyers, the works, but I have limited funds. 2) Keep going on the path that is and spend the rest of my life frustrated. 3) Wipe my hands of the situation, keep paying my cs and hope that one day my kids will want a relationship. I know with what's going on, that would never happen if I left. I'm in the sticky predicament that I had to leave town to find work and within two years, I will only have the family camp to exercise my access, besides renting hotels for the weekend.


          • #6
            Hi crispy,
            I'm in the same exact situation as you and share your pain and frustrations. I considered the same three options as you did, but concluded that option 3 is not viable. These are my kids and I can not simply walk away and hope they will reconnect in the future.

            The only option left is to fight, and also hope that the ex will come to her senses. As we all know, in a long custoday battle, the only winners are the lawyers.

            Sorry that I have no further insights to offer to make this situation better. Good luck to you and keep us updated.


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